Thursday, December 30, 2010

showing and snoogles

So, you read all of this stuff in twin books or in pregnancy books saying “Oh, if you have twins, you’re going to start showing really early! It will be crazy how early you’ll show! Like, you’ll start showing SO early that everyone will KNOW you are having twins just by looking at you!”

Well, I’m pretty sure I’m not showing yet. I have a feeling this is pretty much due to the fact that I was already carrying extra weight when I got pregnant, so, I can’t see if I’m getting any belly yet. It’s kind of a bummer, because I’m really getting ready to start looking more pregnant; though I know I shouldn’t be in a hurry, since I’m having twins and will most likely be ginormous by the end. But, I guess I just was hoping with the whole twin thing that I’d be popping out by now. I know, patience, patience. I’ll show eventually of course, and will probably be longing for the day when I wasn’t huge.

However, SOMEthing is happening in the belly region, b/c I’m already having trouble finding a comfy position to sleep in. I am a stomach sleeper, and try as I might to fall asleep on my left side (best, healthiest way to sleep for babies; good blood flow or something) I always wake up on my stomach. Which is my comfiest way to sleep. However, lately it is starting to make my back hurt a bit, which is making me think maybe my tummy is getting in the way even though it’s not really popping out that I can see. I bought a pregnancy sleep pillow and so far, I can’t really fall asleep using it.
This is the one I got. The lady in the picture looks SO happy to have her snoogle!
The name makes me laugh. I can lay in it and watch TV, but falling asleep is harder. I actually did fall asleep last night, but woke up on my back, which I never do. Also, starting in the 2nd trimester, you’re not supposed to sleep on your back, so I can’t keep doing that. It’s pretty much just supposed to be side sleeping. Anyway, I will keep working on ways to be comfy while I sleep, which I know will only get more challenging the more my little ones grow.

Speaking of growing, this week they are the size of large plums. So I’ve got two of these growing in mah belly. Crazy!
I love my little plums! Can't wait to see which fruit they are next week! :)

~M

*photo found here

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

holidays, heartbeats, movement and limbs!

So, first off; I apologize for the long hiatus. I could say “oh, yes, busy with holiday travel, shopping, caroling, wassailing, etc. and all of that” but, I’d be lying. See, since I’m all pregnant, my doctor said I should forego flying this holiday season, so we stayed home. And though we made a few treks out for movies and short little trips, we were generally quite lazy. It was lovely, actually. Lots of sleeping in, and relaxing and just cozying up on the couch. We had a blizzard here in NY the day after Christmas, so that made things even quieter. So, I have no good reason for not blogging this last 10 days or so. I just was feeling lazy and not wanting to do much of anything! :)

Anyway! So, on Monday we had what is called the Nuchal Translucency test. It apparently is a standard test in which they measure the back of the babies’ necks. Here’s how it’s defined:

This prenatal test (also called the NT or nuchal fold scan) can help your health care practitioner assess your baby's risk of having Down syndrome (DS) and some other chromosomal abnormalities as well as major congenital heart problems.

The NT test uses ultrasound to measure the clear (translucent) space in the tissue at the back of your developing baby's neck. Babies with abnormalities tend to accumulate more fluid at the back of their neck during the first trimester, causing this clear space to be larger than average.

So, that’s the deal with the test. They also took some blood and will combine the results for a “combined screening”. The doctor said that everything looked normal though, so that is good news. We’ll know a bit more when we get the blood results back, but so far all is normal! This was a huge relief.

Another great thing about this ultrasound was that we got to hear both babies’ heartbeats! They are both in the normal range (I believe both were around 165-170 bpm). It was super cool to hear their little hearts. Then we got really good looks at both of them, and we saw their arms and legs! And unlike at my last ultrasound, when they looked like little nubs, they look like regular arms and legs now! One of the babies even did a little dance move looking thing; it was really cool.

I go in next week for a regular check up with my OB. I think it will just be standard; blood pressure, weight, short ultrasound, just a general checking in. This week’s ultrasound was done at the hospital where I'll be delivering (Mount Sinai) since they have the super fancy machines there. I’ll have another ultrasound there in 5 weeks. It’s called the anatomy scan, and it’s POSSIBLE I could know the sexes of the babies then. Though, I’ve heard too many stories about how sometimes the babies won’t cooperate and show their stuff, so I’m not getting my hopes up. I hadn’t planned on knowing until about 20 weeks, so if I know earlier, that’d be great- but if not, no big deal. I honestly just want them to be healthy. I know people say that all the time, but it’s honestly all I care about. :)

I’d post pictures of the ultrasound, but the pictures aren’t that great. I’m sure I’ll get better ones at my next ultrasound. The images were pretty clear on the screen, but once she did a screen capture and printed them off; it wasn’t as clear. Probably would be less clear once I scanned them, or took a picture of them. So, you'll just have to trust me; it was really cool.

I think I’m starting to really believe that things are going to be ok this time. I think there will always be that element of fear that something will go wrong. But as the days go by, I feel more and more confident. I mean, I’m less than two weeks away from my the start of my 2nd trimester!! That’s very exciting.

I promise to be much better about updates from now on. Now that I’m no longer hiding
a big secret, or celebrating holidays, I’ll update like crazy! : )

Hope you all had a healthy, safe, happy holiday!

~M

Thursday, December 16, 2010

oh, and one more little thing….

So, I must confess a little something to all of you. I have not been entirely truthful with you about one tiny detail with this pregnancy. You see, with what happened last time, we even debated telling ANYone about anything with this pregnancy, because it was so painful to lose the last one. But then we realized that we loved the support we had from family and friends, and also, the interwebs. So, we told you!

If you’ll remember correctly, my first ultrasound was “
inconclusive”. This was scary, even though I read everywhere that since we had one so early (at like 5 weeks) it was most likely too early to see much of anything. So, I felt a LITTLE better, but you know, still worried. Then I wrote this post updating you and letting you know the doctor hadn’t expected to see a fetal pole, so the inconclusiveness was expected.

But there was more to that conversation on November 15th, that I left out. It went a little something like this:

ME- Hello?

NURSE- Hi, Mariah, this is so-and-so from Dr. David’s office. I’m calling to talk to you about your ultrasound Friday.

ME- Oh ok. (feeling all gloom-and-doom, because WOE is me! There was no fetal pole. This is probably a call with horrible news.)

NURSE- So, were you surprised?

ME- UM… I don’t know if surprised is the right word. More like worried, concerned, scared…

NURSE- Well, we told you this was a possibility! (Still thinking she was talking about the inconclusive no fetal pole stuff…)

ME- Um, no you didn’t. I never knew that it was a possibility.

NURSE- I don’t think we’re talking about the same thing….

ME- ……..

NURSE- The ultrasound tech saw two sacs. You’re having twins!

ME- ……..

………. WHAT?

NURSE- yep! It’s still very early, so don’t get too excited, but she saw two sacs! You’ll have to get another ultrasound in one week to confirm it.


**End scene.**

So… yep! Twins! We had another ultrasound the day before thanksgiving, and there they both were! Measuring normal and TWO heartbeats! We are excited, but we must admit that we go back and forth between- “YAY! Two babies!” and “HOLY CRAP! Two babies!”

So, sorry for the delay in telling everyone, but we just weren’t ready yet. But, we’re getting very excited! I just had an ultrasound on Tuesday, and they’re measuring at 9 weeks 2 days and 9 weeks 4 days. Their heartbeats were 171 each, and I saw little arms!! They still kinda look like gummy bears, but they are getting pretty big (I mean, relative to when they were as big as a poppyseed). They are now each the size of prunes, and about 1-1.5 inches long. :) Grow, babies, grow!

And, that’s our news, y’all! There are TWO baby Frasers on the way! Craziness!!

~M

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

olive you.

When I clicked on my “what to expect when you’re expecting” app today on my iphone, I saw the following:

“The baby is as big as a green olive (1 in long)”


An olive! :) Very exciting. The furthest along we got last time was to a raspberry, so this is good news. I’m in my 8th week, and I just CAN NOT wait until January when my 2nd trimester starts. I know that I won’t be all the way out of the woods yet, but it will bring a bit more security.

For now, I’m enjoying that we’ve reached the olive stage!

~M

*photo found
here

Monday, December 6, 2010

happy holida..zzzzzzzzzzzzz

Hoo boy. I’m tired. More tired than I’ve ever been like, EVER. I just want to be sleeping always. Always in jammies and always cozied up under my down comforter. This, however, is sadly not a possibility. So, today I sit here, day dreaming of my bed and how I’ll get to be in it in about 11 hours. Harumph. That’s not soon enough.

Everyone talks about the fatigue of pregnancy, and intellectually, I knew it was coming. But this is the most tired I’ve ever been, so I don’t think I was quite expecting this. Yesterday we attempted Christmas shopping and it was REALLY hard. Well, first off, Christmas shopping is always stressful. But yesterday, it was just physically hard to focus or care very much. Gotta snap out of that though; since we’re mailing most of our gifts home, we have to be done shopping by this weekend at the latest! So, I will soldier on, and continue to dream about my fluffy, cozy bed.

My mom is visiting me starting next weekend! She’ll be here on the 11th, and I’m quite excited. :) She’s going to come to an ultrasound with me, so that will be fun! Since I don’t get to visit her on Christmas, I’m pretty darn happy I get to see her beforehand. It’s her birthday on the 10th too, so I’m happy I get to sort of spend her birthday with her. :)

Today in New York we’re getting the tiniest little snowflakes. Nothing is sticking as it’s really hardly snowing, but it sure is beginning to feel a lot like winter!

Have a lovely day.

~M

Friday, December 3, 2010

a regular ol' update

Well, the ultrasound was a success! It wasn’t as exciting as the last ultrasound, only b/c it was with my regular OBGYN, and my other ultrasound was with an ultrasound tech who spends a lot more time showing you what’s happening in there. But, since I just had an ultrasound a little over a week ago, I was happy with the quick look. Everything is measuring on schedule and I saw plenty of heartbeating. :)

Usually at 7 weeks (almost 8), if you start with a reproductive endocrinologist (Dr. David) you aren’t seeing your regular OB until like week 9 or 10. But, I had to go see her for a separate issue, and therefore had to tell her I was pregnant. SO, I’m currently seeing two doctors, which is just fine with me, because at least for the next couple of weeks, I get to have extra ultrasounds. :) And since I’m constantly worrying that something is wrong in there, it’s nice to have that reassurance.

I have to go in and meet with my hematologist again about my Factor V clotting thing, to make sure that my dosage of Lovenox (blood thinner) is high enough. I’ve been giving myself injections again since I found out I was pregnant, and my stomach is back to looking like someone punched me all over with tiny fists. It’s real purty. Oh well; it’s for a good cause. :)

My nausea is a lot better, though this morning a guy was sitting next to me on the subway eating some sort of hot turkey and egg sandwich and I almost had to get off the train. It smelled SO bad. I think it wouldn’t have been pleasant even if I wasn’t pregnant, but MAN. I had to breathe through my mouth until he finished his gross breakfast. He also chewed with his mouth open and smacked his lips which didn’t help.

I realize I’ve been slacking a bit on updating lately, but it seems as though there aren’t as many things to update recently! I’m going to make an effort to post at least 5 times a week again though, like I was doing at first. I think most of it is; I’m really trying not to get too ahead of myself. It’s really hard, because I’m excited, but I’m quite aware that something could still go wrong. I’m hoping and praying that it won’t, but you never know. So, I hold myself back from looking at strollers, and cribs and reading too many books, because well; you just never know. I’m thinking positively though, just trying to protect myself a bit.

Have a lovely weekend, all! We had company all last week, so this weekend I plan on doing laundry, and a lot of lounging. :)

~M

Monday, November 29, 2010

holidays and sonograms!

Hello everyone! I hope you had a lovely Thanksgiving holiday! I know I did. My sweet brother is visiting us from Seattle, and we've just been having a grand time. I made us a small turkey dinner on Thursday, a fun day of sleeping in, lounging, cooking, visiting, and the Macy's parade on TV. It wasn't fancy, but it was cozy and the food was good if I do say so myself. :)

OH! And of course, as I mentioned, I had my sonogram on Wednesday! Everything looks a-ok! Heartbeat is good, in the 120's which is good for 7 weeks. Today we are officially at 7 weeks, 3 days, which is the exact point in my pregnancy that I miscarried last time. So, when tomorrow comes, we'll be in new territory. However, it all looked good on the sonogram, and I have another one scheduled for Thursday. Yay!

My nausea seems to be slightly less frequent, which is good, but always worries me. I like my symptoms; they're a little reassurance that all is well. However, I'm pretty darn tired all the time, and have other symptoms, so I think all is well so far. :) Can't wait until Thursday so I can see more baby and baby heartbeat!

On an unrelated-to-baby-stuff note, we took my brother to the Metropolitan Museum of Art yesterday. It was my second visit and I quite enjoyed it. Saw lots of cool stuff, including some very famous and lovely paintings.


All in all, everything is great! I just hope it keeps on going so well. :)


Hope everyone had a grand Thanksgiving! I sure know what I'm thankful for!


~M

Monday, November 22, 2010

perhaps i spoke too soon, nausea

Yes, I was hoping you'd show up, because you didn't really last time, and so I see this as a very good sign. HOWEVER... because of you I could barely eat breakfast this morning and am currently trying to decide what to have for lunch, and NOTHING sounds good. Except Sprite.

I also have a cold, which kinda blows. It’s not a really major cold, but it is seriously hanging on since I'm not taking any medicine for it. I am hoping it slowly goes away and is gone by Thanksgiving, because we have company! Our favorite Thanksgiving company; my brother. He is our Thanksgiving tradition. :) We’ve had Thanksgiving with him at least 5 times, though maybe more. Ok, well, I PERSONALLY have had many, many Thanksgivings with him, since he is after all, my brother. But as a married or engaged couple, it has been at least 5 times. So, that will be fun! I’m cooking our tiny little three person dinner, and we’ll just chill around the house watching the parade and Thanksgiving movies. Quite excited!

On the baby front, we have an ultrasound on Wednesday morning, so that will be a good thing. Keep your fingers crossed for all good news. I’d like to be able to see a heartbeat and all the necessary parts; fetal pole, yolk sac, etc. So, here’s hoping!

It's pretty nervewracking waiting for this ultrasound. We both are just praying that it all looks good. I have high hopes, since my hcG numbers were such
over-acheivers, and since I'm all nauseated and tired, etc. So, these are all good signs. We'll just have so much more peace of mind after Wed. Another thing stressing us out is that last time, we lost the baby at 7 weeks 3 days, and I'm currently at 6 weeks 3 days. So, we're nearing that point, and of course, it's scary. But, I feel a lot more pregnant this time, so I think it will be all ok.

~M

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

hello, nausea. i’ve been hoping you’d visit.

Well, folks, it seems the nausea has hit. Full force. Not every day, but several so far; a couple so bad that eating in general just sounded BAD. I quite understand “food aversions” now, as any type of meat sounds terrible, as do most sweet things. It seems to help if I’m really hydrated, though not always. And it also sometimes help when I eat something, but since I often times don’t feel like eating… well, you see the problem.

At first saltines helped, but now they just sound kind of gross. Mostly ginger ale and Sprite are the biggest helpers, but I feel bad drinking too much of that kind of stuff. I have not thrown up yet, though there are a few times when I wish I could have; maybe I would have felt better afterwards. I guess I’ll be careful what I wish for.

HOWEVER. Amidst all this “poor me, I’m nauseated! And did I mention tired? So tired!”- there is one major thing: I AM PREGNANT. And honestly- though being sick is never fun- it is COMPLETELY worth it. This has been a really long journey so far, and we're not out of the woods yet. So, every once in a while, as I sit here feeling green, I just remember the reason- and I smile. :)
I'm a lucky girl.

~M

Monday, November 15, 2010

update on "inconclusive"

So, I get my ultrasounds done at an imaging center; not at my doctor’s office. This is mostly because my doctor is a fertility doc; not an OB, so he doesn’t have time to do all the ultrasounds. Anyway, so, as I mentioned, the OB tech just told me that it was “inconclusive”. AH, how comforting, right? Just what every woman who’s hoping to be pregnant wants to hear.

Anyway, my doctor’s office called this afternoon, and said that my hcG levels are awesome, and are up to 25,321! YAY! And since they’ve only done nothing but good things this time, she told me I “graduated” from bloods, and I no longer have to go in to get them done! Double yay!


GRADUA-SHEE-OHN!

Here’s the rundown, if you care:

11/2- 80
11/4- 247
11/8- 1907
11/11- 5700
11/15- 25,321

So, that’s great news. THEN, she said that they did NOT expect to see a fetal pole in that ultrasound (um, that really would have been nice to know, but whatever.). So, that’s a load off (for now). Anyway, I have another ultrasound scheduled for next week- where they DO expect to see a fetal pole. So, cross your fingers!

~M

inconclusive

Well, my ultrasound on Friday didn’t go how I would have liked. I was nervous, but really wasn’t too worried- since my hCG is already so much better than last time (Thursday’s number was 5700- up from 1907 on Tuesday). The ultrasound tech is the same lady I had for my very first ultrasound, and also for the ultrasound I found out that I was miscarrying. I think at first she thought I was being abused or something, because she looked quite surprised when she looked at my stomach and it was covered with bruises. Then once I clarified, she looked relieved. :)

She did her thing and didn’t say much. I still wasn’t worried, because the first ultrasound I had back in August, she didn’t say much either until the end. So, I thought this was just like that time. At the end though, she said she was going to talk to the doctor and be right back. She was gone for 30 minutes, which really started to make me worry. When she got back, I asked her if everything was ok, and she said the ultrasound was “inconclusive”. I asked her to clarify, and basically she said she saw a gestational sac but no fetal pole. Don’t know what that is? Yeah, neither did I. So, I wikipedia’d it:

The fetal pole is a thickening on the margin of the yolk sac of a fetus during pregnancy. It is usually identified at 6.5 weeks with abdominal ultrasound imaging, and 6 weeks with vaginal ultrasound imaging. However it is quite normal for the fetal pole to not be visible until about 9 weeks. The fetal pole may be seen at 2–4 mm crown-rump length (CRL), and heart motion is often detected when it is seen. In the embryo, the heartbeat is seen as a regular flutter, which should be first evident at 5 mm CRL. If the embryo is less than 5 mm CRL, it is possible for it to be healthy without showing a heartbeat, though a follow up study in 5–7 days will almost always demonstrate the heartbeat.

Last time I was pregnant, I saw a heartbeat and everything at the first ultrasound, but I got it at 6 weeks; this time they sent me at 5 weeks. So, I’m just hoping that it was too early to see anything. Of course if you look up “ultrasound, no fetal pole” you get everything from “don’t worry, sometimes it’s too early to tell” to “this is a sign you will miscarry”. So, yay! I love not knowing. I just wish they hadn’t sent me in so early. Sigh. So, I’m waiting for Dr. David’s office to call me today to tell me what my blood levels were from this morning, and also to talk to me about the ultrasound. I hope they think it’s ok; that will help me a little.

More waiting, more not knowing. I think it’s positive that my hcG has been good so far (though we’ll see what it says today); so, I’m hoping that means things are going to be ok. Though it doesn’t help that you can find stories online that say “my hcG was great, but they didn’t see a fetal pole and I miscarried.” Blech. There are also stories that say “They didn’t see a fetal pole, but a week later, they did, and now all is well.” So, it goes both ways.

Just more waiting, and crossing of fingers.

~M

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

holding back

Well, I can't lie and say that being pregnant this time around is as full of hope as the last time. Don't get me wrong; I'm SO happy that I got pregnant so quickly after the miscarriage. And I do hope that it works this time- of course I do! I hope that with all of my heart. And, I'm excited to be pregnant… but it is completely different this time. I find myself getting excited about it, and then I feel myself pulling back a little. I guess just trying to protect myself a bit, and manage my expectations. Yes, it could definitely go perfectly swimmingly this time, and we'll have a little tiny Fraser come July 2011. Or, the same thing could happen as last time. It could go either way. I'm hoping for the former, but I think I'm trying to keep my heart from getting too attached for now.

As you'll recall; last time my hcG numbers were quite telling. The first three were very good, and then they stopped doubling, and even went down a couple of times. Not good. But, everyone told me not to worry, because the sonograms all looked good. This time, so far, the numbers are very good. I've only had 3 done though, so far, so, we'll see what the numbers are tomorrow and next week. If they keep going up the way they should (doubling every 2-3 days), I'll feel a lot better.

Here they are so far:

11/2- 80- yay, pregnant!
11/4- 247- more than tripled!
11/8- 1907- big jump! so far so good...

I have an ultrasound on Friday afternoon, which I'm both excited and nervous for. This first ultrasound is again to determine that the pregnancy is in the right place (uterus, not fallopian tubes) and to make sure that blood flow to the uterus is good. Last time when I had my first ultrasound, I also got to see the little heartbeat, so, I'm kind of hoping for that again. I would feel SO happy if my numbers were awesome and then I got to see a heartbeat.

I don't have many symptoms yet. Last night I did have some really wicked nausea though. It appears as though my worst bouts of it so far are coming at night. I've had a bit of it during the day, but it seems to be a little worse at night. (I mean, it has been for a few nights now. I guess I haven't known I was pregnant long enough for there to be much of a pattern yet, so we'll see.)

So, mostly? I'm happy and excited, but it's different this time. People reacted differently as well. I mean, we haven't told that many people (um, except the internet I guess), but with a few people we told in person or over the phone, there was a difference in the way they reacted. A hesitance. Which, isn't bad, because frankly; that's how I reacted too. I was excited, but equally nervous and scared.

I can't wait until things seem a little more sure. So I can enjoy looking at baby stuff instead of thinking "Why am I doing this to myself if things could just turn out like they did last time?". So I can think about the future and how different our lives will be after July, without thinking "or, maybe they won't be different. Maybe they'll be exactly the same as they have been for the last year and a half". So I can just enjoy my pregnancy. I want that so badly.

So, for now, all I can do is wait to see what the blood results are tomorrow, and the next one (Monday I think) and hope for a good ultrasound.

Keep your fingers crossed for us!

~M

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

all in the details

Yesterday was kind of a regular day. Yes, it was voting day, and yes, it was the day that I was going to find out if I was pregnant or not, but it honestly didn't feel like that special of a day once I woke up. I had to get up extra early, because my blood draw was at 8:15am on the east side in midtown, and I had to vote beforehand. So, I guess yesterday started out as a sleepy day mostly. Then a kind of dorkily excited day, because I really like voting. Even if my party doesn't win, I still feel so patriotic, filling out my little ballot.

Then I had to go get blood drawn. I was 15 minutes early, and grabbed the latest People magazine in the waiting room to catch up on Courtney Cox and David Arquette, and the Chilean miners. I still wasn't thinking much about WHY I was getting blood drawn. In the last 4-5 months, I've had so much blood drawn, it just didn't feel that different. I also think I've been trying to protect myself a bit while waiting for the results of this blood test. I WANTED to be pregnant, but the odds are always against you, so, I figured best to assume you won't be pregnant; then the disappointment won't be as bad. That's what I tried to tell myself anyway.

After the blood draw, I headed to work, and just went about my day. I wasn't expecting any sort of call until 3pm (because that's when the last two calls came). I worked away, trying to distract myself. Trying to think about what it would feel like to start all over again; again. Really trying to gear myself up for the good possibility that I was not pregnant.

At 12:20pm yesterday, my office phone rang. I thought nothing of it, because they don't usually call my work phone. I answered with my customary "This is Mariah" greeting, and was greeted back by, "Hello Mariah- It's Kathy from Dr. David's office." WAIT! Wait. I had planned on seeing that it was them on the caller ID before I picked up, because then I could gear myself up and also, listen to the nurse's voice. You see, the first call I got, when I wasn't pregnant, the nurse sounded all sympathetic when she said "This is so and so from Dr. David's office". And then the second time (when I WAS pregnant) she sounded all chipper and happy! So, I was planning on listening for that tell-tale clue, but I wasn't prepared! They called 3 hours early, and they called a different phone. Annnnywayyyy.. (is it getting annoying that I'm drawing this out with such stupid mundane details?), then she said… "Congratulations! You're pregnant!"

So, yep! We've done it again. It was weird getting the news this time. I was happy, but I felt COMPLETELY different this time. I felt excited, but at the same time scared- thinking about my miscarriage; wondering if it would happen again. Worrying about getting my hopes all up only to miscarry again. But as the day wore on, I started to feel even happier and more excited, because- hey! Maybe it will work this time! Maybe we'll be parents come July 2011. Maybe the best will happen, instead of the worst. This is what I hope for. :)

So, there's my news! Knocked up once again! Quite pleased about it, and looking forward to everything ahead. In the meantime, I've got lots of things I'm not allowed to do; exercise, carry heavy things, no air travel- which sadly means no coming home for the holidays :( I go in tomorrow to get more tests done on my blood, so I'll let you know how that goes.
In the meantime; I'm just happy as a clam, and feel so excited to start this journey again. :)

Thanks to everyone for all the amazing support. :) I'm so lucky to have all of you!

~M

Monday, November 1, 2010

patience

Patience is hard. I have been told on several occasions regarding all of this fertility stuff that I have a lot of patience. Maybe this is true; but honestly, it's not like you can rush things along. You can only go as fast as your body will let you.

I am working REALLY hard at managing my expectations for tomorrow's news. Trying to be realistic. Realize that the odds are against me. BUT....

It sure doesn't help when you're nauseated all day. And yes, you realize that you ARE really tired (didn't go to bed early enough) so that could have caused the nausea, and that you ARE on metformin, which is known for stomach problems, and also you ARE on progesterone, which, who knows if it messes with your stomach, but it's a hormone, so, I'm sure it messes with everything. But no, being nauseated all day does NOT help you to not think about the fact that you're taking a pregnancy test in the morning.

SIGH.

~M

Thursday, October 28, 2010

holding back

So, as you know, I'm in the dreaded "waiting" period. Waiting to see if I have a bun in the oven. There are also several other annoying waiting periods in this whole infertility game:

1. The period you're actually waiting to get your period. If you find out you're not pregnant (which has happened to me a bazillion trillion times) then you just have to wait to get your period so that you can start the cycle all over again. This is an annoying time, because there's no hope involved; only annoyance that you're eagerly waiting for something that is so decidedly NOT fun.

2. Waiting to ovulate. This is a more exciting thing to wait for, but also slightly nerve wracking. If you're one of those lucky people that those cool ovulation predictor kits works for, maybe it's not as nerve wracking. But for me, they don't work. I've tried WAYYY too many of them, spent WAY too much money on them, and never have they worked. So, I'm always a little nervous that I'll miss my window. Luckily, more recently, I get ultrasounds to check for me, so it's not as stressful.

3. And now, the most stressful waiting period; waiting to see if I'm pregnant. I think that this got more stressful for sure once I had my miscarriage. When I first miscarried, I couldn't imagine trying to get pregnant anytime soon. But then I realized that I want a baby more than anything, so, even if it was emotionally hard; it was worth it.

And now I'm walking this fine line of getting excited for Tuesday and trying to think positively, and then at the same time, trying manage my hope. I don't want to get my hopes up, because every time you try to conceive- even if you're perfectly healthy- the odds/statistics are against you. So, it doesn't make sense to get excited. But… it's pretty hard not to at least think about it. The problem is, when I start to think about it, and get excited, I do things like look at baby websites/blogs (they are seriously like crack, people!) and then I do things like look at little outfits. Like these.


OH MAH GOD. I will for sure be dressing my children in fun, crazy colorful things like this. But no, I'm not getting ahead of myself or anything….

Anyway, so now I wait. Nothing to be done about that. Wait until Tuesday afternoon, and just see what happens. I'll have to keep myself busy this weekend. Luckily, I have Saturday covered, as I'm babysitting for the cutest 18 month old ever. :)

Have a great Thursday everyone!

~M

(Oh, by the way, I last updated on Thursday, and I hadn't ovulated, but I woke up on Friday and my temp went up, so, that means I ovulated sometime on Thursday, or early Friday morning. So, that's good. Good timing, since I got the IUI on Thursday.)


*photos found here and here

Friday, October 22, 2010

oh good. the crazies are back.

Well, first off; I had my IUI yesterday. It went- well? I don't know. I mean, it was easy- not much more to it than you usually have to put up with for a regular pelvic exam. So, it was simple. The only sad part was after it was over, then I was left there in the room by myself. I think if we do an IUI again, I'll have Ian come with me, to hang out in the room with me afterwards. Maybe that will help....

Anyway, he tested my pH again; and I'm still all acidic, even though I used the baking soda solution the night before I went in. So, I'm not sure what the deal is. I'm doing everything the same as last time, and it worked last time. I have to figure this out though; because if I can't, and we don't get pregnant this time; we'll have to make sure I'm not all acidic or I'll kill the sperm every time. And, well, that's no good if you're trying to get pregnant! (a little biology for you guys. The sperms have to be ALIVE to make a baby.) So; we'll have to figure that out for sure.

But, on to the crazies. What do I mean by "the crazies" you ask? Well, I'll tell you. I suppose they could also be called "the googles". Let me explain. So, on Wednesday, I got a shot of hCG to trigger ovulation. He said it would make me ovulate in the next 24-48 hours. So, I figured on Thursday or Friday morning, I'd wake up and take my temp, and it would be up- indicating that I ovulated. But; it didn't. Now, technically 48 hours from my trigger shot would be this morning around 10am; so, it's possible I didn't ovulate yet and did or will today- and then when I wake up tomorrow, my temp will be up. But, I started worrying- "Does the shot ever just NOT work? I'd better google it to see if it ever just straight up doesn't work for someone."

Yep. I googled. Yes, I know; bad news- but how ELSE do you expect me to get my answers? I mean, really. Anyway, so I googled "hCG trigger shot always work?" and it turns out, that NO, it doesn't always work. Can you believe it?!? (ha. kidding.) Now, I have no percentages or anything, because it was mostly forums I read it on, but still. Sigh. I guess that since we've resumed "trying" again, with that comes the crazies. I do my best not to go google crazy, but sometimes you just want answers. There's nothing I can do really; except wait. I'm just going to be super bummed if I don't actually ovulate until like Sunday or something, since my IUI was on Thursday. I HOPE I ovulate today. Keep your fingers crossed.

Anyway, that's all for now. The crazies are back. Can't say I missed 'em; but I am excited that we're trying again. For now- just trying to stay positive.

Have a lovely weekend, all!

xoxo

~M

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

giant potatoes, acid, and Haley Joel Osment

So, this title may have thrown you off a bit, but I assure you, all 3 of these things are relevant to today's post. You just have to be patient.

So, I had my second ultrasound of the week, and my follicles are MATURE. Like, so mature, they must have read this
article. They grew from 15mm on Monday to a whopping 20mm today. Two of them! Double the chances! (Ok, I don't actually know if that's true, but in my mind, it makes sense. Two eggs are better than one... or something. Right?) ANYway...

Ok, plug your ears, mom... TMI coming up. So, the good doctor told me in my appointment on Monday that Tuesday night he wanted me to get "romantic" with my husband (snicker, snicker- their word) so that he could do a post coital test to see how the sperms were surviving. Remember
last time when it turns out I'm all acidic and I kill the sperms, but then later on we fixed the issue with a little baking soda? Well, yesterday I totally used the baking soda solution before the romanticism ensued, and apparently it didn't work. Because he did another post coital test this morning, and I'm all acidic again! AND, he looked at the sperms again under a microscope and they're all dead. I am killing them again apparently. :( I mean, it doesn't TOTALLY matter, because an IUI bypasses all the acidic areas, but still. Annoying! Because if the IUI isn't successful this time, we certainly can't afford to keep doing it that way. So, I will have to figure out how to be less acidic.

One way is to eat alkaline foods. All meat is acidic, so that would be out. Which isn't a huge deal, because I don't eat a ton of meat anyway. I decided to try to be alkaline at lunch today, so I ordered a baked potato (alkaline) and an all fruit smoothie. Fruit is alkaline as well. I was too cold to order a salad. Sounds like a lovely, light lunch, right? Um, guys, check out the potato they sent me:

It's GINORMOUS! I left the fork there for scale. It's huge! I ate a third of it and then sadly had to toss the rest.

Oh, and here's my smoothie:

Nothing special about it, just was in a dorky picture taking mood today. :) Smoothie! Smoothie! That's kind of fun to say. No, I'm not drunk.

So, ANYway...back to the inner workings of my lady parts.

As I mentioned, my follicles are super mature, and so they gave me a trigger shot (in the muscle of my bum- ow!) of hCG to force the eggs to pop out. I am supposed to ovulate in the next 24-48 hours. Which means, tomorrow is IUI day! Huzzah! Paper confetti, balloons! I'm trying to psych myself up about it, because I'm nervous and worried it won't work. So, I'm psyching myself up- wahooo!

Ok, lastly. Are you wondering about Haley Joel Osment? I bet you were. I bet you read this whole post and were like "that bitch isn't going to tell us the significance of Haley Joel Osment in the title of this post! Did she see him today? Are they secret lovers? what is going ON??" Ok, well, first of all- Calm down! Jeez. Alright. So, the nurse this morning was writing down my appointment in their appointment planner. I watched her write it, and she wrote "AI- Mariah Fraser". I was confused. AI? What is that? Isn't that a movie? Starring Mr. Haley Joel Osment? So, I asked her what "AI" stood for- and she told me: "Artificial Insemination". OHHHH. Duh. Then I was like "All I could think of was that movie, AI, with that kid from the Sixth Sense." And then I laughed, because I thought it was funny. Not funny ha ha, so much, but you know. She did not. She just stared at me. So, I grabbed my bag and split.

Ok, this was a weird post, but I think you got all the general information of the goings on right now. Tomorrow morning at 10am Eastern, they will attempt to artificially knock me up. Cross your fingers that it works.

~M

Monday, October 18, 2010

the results are in: keep waiting.

Well, thanks to the clomid, my follicles (little round houses produced in your ovaries every month to hold your eggs) are coming along- but they're not quite there yet. At my doctor appointment this morning I discovered I have two follicles that are almost exactly the same size at 15mm. Dr. David considers a follicle mature at 17-18mm. So, I'm going back in on Wednesday to get another ultrasound. Hoorah for more waiting! Waiting is my favorite! I can't think of anything else I'd rather do than wait! (I'm trying to psych myself up to be patient. I think it's totally working.)

Yes, I realize it's only one and a half more days until I get to go in again, but BOY is the patience so much harder this time around. Seriously. I think it's harder for a lot of reasons. I will list them for you.

1. I've already been pregnant, and sadly miscarried. It's like someone gave me the most awesomest present in the world, that I'd been wishing to get for a year. Then they let me have it for a while, and show it off to friends and love it more than anything, and then yanked it away. nope! Never mind- you don't get this awesome present.

2. Now I know we can get pregnant. It has happened. Before, the waiting was always tinged with "well, maybe it's just not even possible for me to GET pregnant." Now I know that it is, so it makes me more impatient to have to wait for it.

3. I'm now scared of miscarriages. I mean, I was scared of them before, but now I'm scared that it could happen every time. It's more of a reality now. So, what if I wait ANOTHER year... and it just happens again? I read/hear these stories about women who miscarry 5, 6, 7 times before finally having a baby. This frightens me, because I really honestly don't feel like I have the strength for that. I mean, I hope and pray that I don't HAVE to face that scenario, but I worry that if I did... I wouldn't be able to be as brave as those women who are able to summon the strength to keep trying.

4. I got a lotta love to give! I can't wait to love a little baby. I will make it feel like the luckiest baby in the whole wide world- and I know Ian will too.

So, there you have it- my reasons that patience is not as easy this time. But what choice do I have? Can't rush these things; just gotta keep on chuggin', be patient, and WAIT.

~M

p.s. the cute clock in the photo is actually my new vintage alarm clock. It ticks REALLY loud, so while we originally had it in the living room- I had to move it, because the ticking was stressing me out. :) It's now in the bathroom and it looks super cute.

Friday, October 15, 2010

here I am!

Oh. So, I haven't written for a week. I think this might be my longest hiatus from blogging ever. Sorry, bout that guys! I really just haven't had a lot to report… combined with the fact that some of the stuff I COULD report…I didn't really want to. So, there ya have it. My excuse. :) Onward!

This week was a weird one. Not super crazy wacky weird, but I felt weird about a lot of things. I blame the clomid. Messing with your hormones does crazy things. So, on Sunday I started my clomid for this cycle and took it for 5 days- finished up yesterday. So, hopefully, my ovaries are doing their thang, and getting all ready to pop out some awesome eggs. Dr. D upped the dosage of clomid this month, so, we'll see what that does. I really really hope that all systems are a go, and that things are happening the way they should. I go in on Monday to get an ultrasound to check out my follicles, to see when we can do the IUI. (And for my non-fertility following friends out there, IUI stand for Intra Uterine Insemination- you can read about it here, if you so choose). See? See how I keep you so informed and knowlegeable? You're welcome. I've given you the PERFECT cocktail party convo topic. Really- just bring it up to a random stranger. They'll be all impressed with your phat fertility knowledge.

Speaking of the IUI, Ian and I had some talks about that this week. He said he sometimes feels (and I completely agree and understand) that doing an IUI is "cheating". I mean, we were able to get pregnant before "the old fashioned way" , so why shouldn't we try that again? Well, the reason we are fairly sure we're going to do an IUI this time, is because of the trauma Ian's poor sperms have been through lately. See, he has had pain issues in his nether-regions for about a year now (that's right- a YEAR. We truly are the household of broken junk. Poor guy!). Well, when we got pregnant, Ian started being more aggressive (as per his Physical Therapist's instructions) with trying to fix things, since we no longer had to worry about his sperm quality for a while. One of the things he did was take hot baths every night for a couple of weeks. Well, if any of you are familiar with the "things-dudes-have-to-stop-doing-whilst-trying-to-knock-up-their-women"; taking hot baths or being in hot tubs is a no-no. Also, he had gone back to having the occasional drink, because well, I was already pregnant. Oh, but then I miscarried. SOOO…. the baths, the alcohol… well, they very well could have affected his soldiers. We don't know for SURE, but it could have. ANYhoo- this is why we are strongly considering the IUI this time. Because before they do the IUI, they take his sperms and they separate the good ones out by spinning them in a centrifuge thing, so only the top notch ones are deployed during the IUI. No slow-moes getting in the way. So, if there did happen to be any damage done with the baths and the martinis, we can hopefully still have millions of guys that were NOT affected. Especially since as soon as I miscarried, he stopped with the baths. However, even with all of this, our odds will be only SLIGHTLY increased; but not a ton. Just very slightly.

So, there's the other risk for me; getting my hopes up that since we're doing this all "fancy schmancy scientific like"; that we'll for SURE get pregnant! Because nope; the chance still hovers around 15-25%.

Anyway, are we cheating doing it this way? Maybe. It's not ideally how I'd like for it to happen. But, I also don't want it to take another year and a half. I want a baby. No, I'm still not willing to do IVF- and we don't need to- but I think I can handle this. Sometimes though, it feels a little like I imagine women who had to give birth via c-section might feel. Like, yes, you had your baby, but you didn't birth them in the traditional sense. I know that from what I've read on other blogs, that this can sometimes be really hard for women, because they feel like they didn't get the experience of actually delivering the baby naturally. They didn't "pay their dues". Of course, we all realize that no matter HOW you bring a baby into this world; natural birth, epidural, c-section, adoption; you are a rock star mom. So, I need to keep telling myself that if I do an IUI, it doesn't make me any less of a woman or Ian any less of a man. If it brings us a beautiful baby to love; then that's all that matters.

I'll keep you in the loop with Monday's results as to how my follicles are doing. Cross your fingers. :)

Have a lovely weekend, all.

~M

Friday, October 8, 2010

friday!

Happy Friday, everyone! Woo hoo!! I love Fridays.

So, it is most definitely Fall here in NY- and it's just lovely. Fall makes me crave yummy fall foods; pumpkin things, spice things, apple things. Fall is my favorite.

So, for breakfast today, what I REALLY wanted was this:

and this:

but instead.... I had this:

...which was tasty, but it was no pumpkin scone and pumpkin spice latte. And, I had just regular drip coffee. AH, well. Responsible choices aren't usually as fun. :)

I'm very much looking forward to this weekend. I have a skype date with my friend and her brand new baby on Saturday, and I'm walking in the AFSP Out of the darkness walk on Sunday in memory of my old friend, Mike. It brings awareness to suicide prevention, and I feel so privileged to be participating and helping to raise money and awareness for the second year in a row.

I also want to do some closet cleaning-out. We'll see if that happens. :)

I hope you all have a lovely weekend!

~M

*photos found here and here

Thursday, October 7, 2010

on your marks, get set, go! (again!)


Sorry for the long gap in posts, my friends. Really, I just didn't have a lot to report. I've just been in the "waiting" period, waiting for a new cycle to start so that we could officially start trying again. In the meantime, I've been doing weight watchers for 5 weeks and have lost a total of 6 pounds. If you'll recall, last week I was up 2.2 pounds. Well, this week I lost 1.2 pounds, so, I've ALMOST gotten rid of what I inexplicably gained the prior week. I'm very happy I lost, but a little bummed that I didn't completely get rid of that stupid 2.2 pounds. Oh well. Next week.

Anyway, I guess it wasn't SO inexplicable, given that I was on progesterone, and apparently progesterone makes you gain weight. Whee. I had been on it trying to induce my period so that we could reset things. Anyway, it worked! As of yesterday- I've started a brand new cycle. This is the most excited I've ever been to be crampy, bloated, irritable and breaking out. This Sunday I'll start the clomid and dexamethasone (my wonder ovulation drugs) and take those for 5 days and hopefully get some ovulation goin'! Then I am going to the doctor on the 18th to get a sonogram and then hopefully we'll do an IUI that week. I may just be projecting, but I'm pretty sure I can feel that my ovaries are psyched to do a really good job this month. I can tell they are ready to ROCK this.

Honestly, I hope I'm able to get pregnant faster this time. I have hope (?) that I could, (only because we know so much more about the drug combo that works for me, and various other things about my cycle/body) but I don't want to get my hopes up TOO much. I just feel like I don't have as much patience this time around. It's not an angry impatience… it's more of a "I've already had a taste of what could be, and I can't wait another YEAR for it! Hurry up, body!" kind of impatience. Anyway, I know that I just have to be patient, because there's no way to rush it. I just have to do everything I can, trust my doctor, and hope that it works. Keep your fingers crossed for me!

On another, totally unrelated note, I think I'm going to widen my horizons a tiny bit when it comes to this blog. You see, originally I had intended for it to be a place to chart/vent/journal my trip down infertility lane, but I also wanted to throw in a little splash of other things going on in my life. I tried a couple of times, (like
here and here) but the baby stuff always blurred into it. So, I'm going to start trying to occasionally just blog about my non baby-makin' part of life, and non-baby things on my mind. We'll see how it goes.

SO! I'm excited. New start, new cycle, new hope- and all during a new season- Fall! Fall is my favorite and it's definitely arrived here (FINALLY!) in New York, so maybe all this newness happening at the beginning of Fall is an omen. An omen that good things are on the horizon- and I'm ready!

~M

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

2.2 pounds of frustration

So, as you may remember- I'm doing Weight Watchers in order to get a little healthier while we're waiting for the next cycle to start. I've been doing SO well; tracking all my food, working out 3-5 times a week, and as of last week, I had lost 7 pounds in 3 weeks. That's an average of 2.3 pounds a week, people! Woo hoo!

Anyway, I go in to my weekly meeting tonight, feeling pretty good. A little bloated maybe, but c'mon- I'm on a roll! I was expecting at LEAST a pound gone.

Instead?

GAINED 2.2 pounds.

WTF????????

So irritated. It could be a number of things. One possibility- my progesterone (that I'm taking to bring on my period) messes with my digestion a bit, also makes me retain some water, and apparently a side effect can be weight gain. But you know what? That doesn't make me feel better. Because, Universe? I need a fucking WIN right now. Pardon my potty mouth, but since the miscarriage, I feel even more out of control of my body than I did when we were trying to conceive, and I really want this to go well.

I track everything I eat. I work out, take loads of vitamins, drink water, get sleep, eat nutritionally balanced meals. I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing.

Not that I'm really surprised. PCOS does make it harder to lose weight. I've always struggled. But... I just wanted this to go well for just a while longer.

I know there's nothing to be done except keep on going. I just needed to vent a bit. I will keep going this week and I'm not giving up. I just hope the universe helps me out next Tuesday.

~M

P.S.

Please know that I'm aware I'm doing everything right- and know that I'm trying not to be discouraged. It's just an annoying setback, but I know it will get better again.

*photo found here

Thursday, September 23, 2010

oh, man.

So, if you look off to the left in my little blog, you'll see a section entitled "followers". Last week, I totally had 18 followers. Today? 17.

Someone UN followed me! Methinks I don't have a thick enough skin for this; hard not to take being "unfollowed" personally! :)

I don't have a lot to say today. I'm trying to be a lot more relaxed about this whole "trying to get pregnant" thing this time around. And I'm doing pretty well so far, I think. Managing everything that comes my way, and just taking a deep breath when I feel stressed or anxious.

OH- except that ONE TIME, when someone UNFOLLOWED ME!

The nerve.

;)

(Of course you know, I'm only kidding. Follow me, don't follow me, I don't mind. I'm writing this mostly for me.)

:)

~M

****UPDATE****

All is right with the world again; I have my 18 followers back. I don't know who left, but thanks for coming back! :) Or, thanks to the new person who gave me a "pity follow"! :)

Monday, September 20, 2010

four weeks

I looked at the calendar today, and realized it's been exactly one month today since I lost my first pregnancy. In a way, it seems like it happened just yesterday; and conversely it also seems like it was eons ago.

I definitely feel that Ian and I have healed quite a bit since then. We still have moments. Moments where the loss of so many things (the pregnancy, the FIRST pregnancy, some of our hope, plans….etc.) washes over us and feels a bit all-consuming. And sometimes those moments turn into hours and days. Recently, I've had some really hard days…but, for the most part, we are healing.

After my
doctor appointment last week, I was overwhelmed. I waited in the uber fancy waiting room and all the nurses knew me. They gave me sad smiles and said I looked well. Offered me sparkling water. In his office, I sat down and he asked me about my miscarriage (oh- how I HATE typing or saying that word) and got some details, and then turned the page in my chart to reveal a blank, brand new white page.

"Ok. Should we start again?"

Well, to me, I thought he meant "Should we start talking about next steps and see where things go…?". Naive? yes. But I think that I just didn't feel quite ready to just start over again, and both Ian and I had talked about how we just weren't ready.

But, when Dr. David said, "Ok. Should we start again?" he meant START AGAIN. As in; let's get a bun in that oven STAT.

whoa there.

See, most recently, (
as you may recall) we had been thinking that maybe we'd wait a few months before trying again. Everything I read said you should wait 1-2 cycles before trying again. Now, I think maybe that was mostly for emotional healing, but some articles also mentioned getting your body synced back into a rhythm again. Well, since my body has never HAD a rhythm before (oh, hello 85 day cycle!) I wasn't totally sure how that would work.

Anyway, we talked, and talked. He said "no, we don’t need to wait several cycles." But, since I haven't had a period since June, he gave me progesterone to take for 10 days, and then 10-15 days later, I should get my period. So, basically we'd technically be waiting one cycle.

I told him about Ian's pain issues, and we discussed how that would affect things. He mentioned that maybe an IUI would be the best way to go the first time around, assisted of course with my old pals- Clomid and Dexamethasone.

ANYway…. my head was swirling for the rest of that day. I went home and spewed it all out at Ian, and completely overwhelmed him. You see, by the end of that appointment, I was like "Hells YES! Let's make another baby, dammit! What are we waiting for??" Oh, sure, I was also thinking, "Holy crap. This is a lot. We have to start ALL over again. yikes." but then I'd be right back to, "Let's DO this, y'all! I want us to be parents!!" Anyway. Poor Ian; I just dumped it all over him.

A few days went by, and we had some time apart (I was the most social butterfly I've been in a long time- went out THREE nights in a row…) and then on the third night when we went out together, he declared; "I want to have a baby. Let's do this." So, we had a beer (WHAT? we haven't started YET….) and talked it all through. We both decided that life is short; we want a baby, we got the go ahead from our excellent doctor- what are we waiting for?

I started my progesterone and now we just wait. We also decided that we do want to do an IUI this first time, as we found out today that we can afford at least one, maybe 2, and it might take some of the pressure off the first time back in the game. The IUI will likely be in late October.

Until then, I'm continuing on my path to get
as healthy as possible (down 5.2 pounds. woot!) and try and just think positively. I know some days that will be easier said than done… but four weeks ago, I didn't think I'd ever feel hopeful about this again.

So, that's it. Time to start daily temperature taking, acupuncture, herbs, charts, pills, doctor visits...


Time to start over.

Ready? On your mark, get set….holy crap….


~M

Monday, September 13, 2010

tomorrow? oh..um, ok...

So, today I finally got up the nerve to call Dr. David's office and make my appointment for "what happens next". I'll admit- I was putting it off. They weren't calling me, so, I knew it was up to me... I just was not wanting to call.

But, I called today thinking they'd say, "Sure, come in on Friday, or next week or something."

Instead she said, "Do you want to come in tomorrow at 9:15am?"

"oh, um, ok... I, sure, yeah, that'd be, uh, ok. yeah. yep."

I am still not ready to try yet, but I want to talk to him about it all and see what he thinks and get his opinion on how long we should wait to try. Also, Ian is still struggling with his pain, and we need to wait for this to get better until we start trying again. Poor guy; I really hope he feels better soon- he's been dealing with this for over a year now.

So, we'll see what he says. I have this weird, nauseated, pit-in-my-stomach feeling about going back to him. He's great; and has been nothing but fabulous the whole time, but since I'm not really ready to start trying yet; it just all feels weird. Completely different from the first consultation I had with him. Gone is the blind hope; replaced with fear of everything failing again. I'm sure the hope will come back someday, but it won't ever be the same. It will always be tainted with fear.

But, I think it's a good first step and it will be helpful to see what he says.

~M

Friday, September 10, 2010

calendar

I just looked at my iPhone calendar for last Friday, and realized I was supposed to have my 3rd ultrasound that day. I cancelled the appointment the week I miscarried, but forgot to remove it from my calendar. Luckily I'm not very good with the iPhone calendar and I forgot to set a reminder so nothing popped up. Seeing it though just made me really sad and brought back a flood of emotions.

The baby would have been 10 weeks. I would have heard the heartbeat.

This sucks.

~M

duped.

I feel totally duped. Tastes nothing like cake. False advertising.
~M

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

getaway

Sorry I've been a bit absent lately. Just not really a lot to report. The long weekend was quite lovely though; ah, how I wish all weekends were 3 days.

We took a nice drive up the coast on Sunday and spent the day in Mystic, CT (the town that the awesome movie Mystic Pizza was based on). It was a beautiful town (if a tad touristy) and it was nice to be near the water.

We are feeling better in general, but still have low days for sure. For some reason Monday was a hard day for me. Don't entirely know why; just sort of felt like all of the sudden everything was very stressful, and overwhelming and sort of just sitting on my chest. But, the day ended and the next day was much better. Mostly due to him:

I had my first Weight Watchers weigh in on Tuesday, and so far I've lost 3.8 pounds. :) Quite pleased with that considering in Mystic I had ice cream AND pizza. Though all within my points range so it was ok. :) And very tasty.

I'm looking forward to the changing of the season. Not just because I hate New York summers, but because the changing of the season to me always brings hope of "possibilities" and "change". And both of those sound pretty darn good.

~M

Friday, September 3, 2010

for ian

I started this post last week, and I guess I just didn't have the energy to finish it. It's short, but I wanted to finish it to tell Ian how much he means to me.

I never would have made it through the last two weeks without him. He's been amazing and wonderful (as always), and I just think I'm the luckiest woman in the world to have him as my partner.

I saw this E.E. Cummings poem quoted somewhere, and it instantly made me think of him.

I love you, sweetie.

~M


i carry your heart with me (i carry it in
my heart) i am never without it (anywhere
i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)

i fear

no fate (for you are my fate,my sweet) i want
no world (for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you
here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart
i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)

-E.E. Cummings

Thursday, September 2, 2010

courage and strength and health

I thought I could stop reading baby blogs.

And I have stopped reading a lot of them. But some of them- mostly the ones where the baby is brand new, or the mom is still pregnant... those are harder to stop reading.

Why do I read them? I don't consider myself self destructive or someone who likes to be in pain. In fact, I quite hate being sad and in pain. I tend to avoid it at all costs. I think though, the blogs make me feel connected still, to the things I lost. I lost the identity of being a pregnant lady. I lost the chance to ever have my "first pregnancy." I lost my husband's nightly talks to the little blueberry and the pride and happiness and love on his face when he did so. I lost the excitement of looking forward to April of 2011, knowing that we'd be a family of 3 by then. I lost a little piece of my heart.

I lost my baby.

But I think sometimes these blogs make me feel like it wasn't and isn't so far away. Though sometimes they just make me cry; and when that happens I just click back to something less sad to read.

Also, I wish I didn't have envy of pregnant people. I don't WANT to. I hate envy; it's the ugliest emotion, and it's completely useless. I guess I have little blips of envy; not constant, but it's there every once in a while. I hate it.

Today I was reading a design blog, and since the author is a new mother, she posted birth stories every Wednesday starting when she found out she was pregnant. They were so fun to read, because every story was different, and it really gave you a sense of how you just never know how your birth will go. I think reading some of the more negative ones would scare some people, but I liked having the knowledge and I also liked seeing the strength of all those women that went through hell, and in the end, it didn't matter, because they had a sweet little baby in their arms. But today's story was different.

It was a story about a woman who at 36 weeks, had a placental abruption, and the baby died in utero- but she had to deliver it naturally, because she was losing too much blood for a c-section. She had to go through labor, knowing her baby would not be alive when it was finally born.

It sounds so sad (and it IS) but she got through it, and derived so much strength from what happened, and eventually did go on to have a healthy baby. She really really inspired me.

I realize that what I went through is COMPLETELY different. My baby was only a little over 7 weeks old. It just doesn't compare to what she went through; but I still get a lot of inspiration from hearing her story and reading about her immense strength. You'd think that it would just make me horribly sad to read it (and it did, for a few minutes) but it also gave me strength. Courage. Knowing that I can handle this. It's hard; but I can do it.

On a slightly different note, last weekend (after pizza, 3 nights in a row of gin and tonics and dinner at a pub that may or may not have included splitting a pitcher of beer with my man) I decided I was done being self destructive. You see, though I was THRILLED to be pregnant, (and I was. I've never been happier.) I always was a little sad that I wasn't exactly at a healthy weight when I conceived. It wasn't a vanity thing; it was a concern for my baby and their future health. You read all of this literature about how being overweight when pregnant has been tied to children having problems with their weight later on in life. I didn't want that. I knew that most likely my child would inherit my genes for weight struggle, but I didn't want to add on top of that. However, I was pregnant, and I just decided that I would have to be as healthy as possible during my pregnancy.

Now that I'm no longer pregnant, this weekend I decided that for my future children, I'm going to do my damndest to lose some weight and be healthier before I'm pregnant again. I've not spoken to my doctor yet, but everything I've read said that you should wait 2-3 cycles before trying again. Not sure if that applies to me, since unmedicated, my cycles can last upwards of 3 months a piece. So, I guess we'll see on that front.

Now, don't get me wrong; I ate quite healthily before, but my body holds on to weight like crazy; so when I lose weight, I have to be VERY strict about calories in and out, portions, and I have to exercise a great deal. So, that's what I'm going to do. For the next few months, I'm going to push it, hard. I am motivated and get strength from the thought of my future children, and how I want to be the healthiest I can be when I carry them, and after. I re-joined Weight Watchers, and will start exercising twice a day- 5-6 days a week. This may sound like a lot; but lets remember that I'm sitting on my butt for at least 10 hours a day (1 hour commute on the subway both ways, and 8 hours of work), so 60-90 minutes of exercise in one day isn't actually too much. And, it's necessary.

Necessary to get healthier and lose some weight, and also to distract and empower me. I always worried about getting lots of exercise while we were trying to conceive, because they say that lots of exercise can screw up your cycle. Having a fairly screwy cycle to begin with, I was worried I'd make it worse. But right now, I don't care. My only focus is health. We can't try now anyway, and I'm not sure if emotionally we'd be ready to try if we could.

So, I do this for my future babies, my husband, and me. Every day is still hard. Today has been an oddly hard day. But, after reading that birth story, and realizing this weekend that self destruction with food and alcohol isn't going to make anything better, I'm committed to being healthier. And soon, I'm sure, happier.

~M