Monday, October 18, 2010

the results are in: keep waiting.

Well, thanks to the clomid, my follicles (little round houses produced in your ovaries every month to hold your eggs) are coming along- but they're not quite there yet. At my doctor appointment this morning I discovered I have two follicles that are almost exactly the same size at 15mm. Dr. David considers a follicle mature at 17-18mm. So, I'm going back in on Wednesday to get another ultrasound. Hoorah for more waiting! Waiting is my favorite! I can't think of anything else I'd rather do than wait! (I'm trying to psych myself up to be patient. I think it's totally working.)

Yes, I realize it's only one and a half more days until I get to go in again, but BOY is the patience so much harder this time around. Seriously. I think it's harder for a lot of reasons. I will list them for you.

1. I've already been pregnant, and sadly miscarried. It's like someone gave me the most awesomest present in the world, that I'd been wishing to get for a year. Then they let me have it for a while, and show it off to friends and love it more than anything, and then yanked it away. nope! Never mind- you don't get this awesome present.

2. Now I know we can get pregnant. It has happened. Before, the waiting was always tinged with "well, maybe it's just not even possible for me to GET pregnant." Now I know that it is, so it makes me more impatient to have to wait for it.

3. I'm now scared of miscarriages. I mean, I was scared of them before, but now I'm scared that it could happen every time. It's more of a reality now. So, what if I wait ANOTHER year... and it just happens again? I read/hear these stories about women who miscarry 5, 6, 7 times before finally having a baby. This frightens me, because I really honestly don't feel like I have the strength for that. I mean, I hope and pray that I don't HAVE to face that scenario, but I worry that if I did... I wouldn't be able to be as brave as those women who are able to summon the strength to keep trying.

4. I got a lotta love to give! I can't wait to love a little baby. I will make it feel like the luckiest baby in the whole wide world- and I know Ian will too.

So, there you have it- my reasons that patience is not as easy this time. But what choice do I have? Can't rush these things; just gotta keep on chuggin', be patient, and WAIT.


p.s. the cute clock in the photo is actually my new vintage alarm clock. It ticks REALLY loud, so while we originally had it in the living room- I had to move it, because the ticking was stressing me out. :) It's now in the bathroom and it looks super cute.

1 comment:

  1. woo hoo for maturing follicles! that's exciting. sending vibes that they continue to do their magic! of course you're approaching this with a little bit of some scared feelings about a miscarriage ... i'm so sorry you have that added stress. :( ... will continue to send very positive vibes your way! you are amazing!