all in the details

Yesterday was kind of a regular day. Yes, it was voting day, and yes, it was the day that I was going to find out if I was pregnant or not, but it honestly didn't feel like that special of a day once I woke up. I had to get up extra early, because my blood draw was at 8:15am on the east side in midtown, and I had to vote beforehand. So, I guess yesterday started out as a sleepy day mostly. Then a kind of dorkily excited day, because I really like voting. Even if my party doesn't win, I still feel so patriotic, filling out my little ballot.

Then I had to go get blood drawn. I was 15 minutes early, and grabbed the latest People magazine in the waiting room to catch up on Courtney Cox and David Arquette, and the Chilean miners. I still wasn't thinking much about WHY I was getting blood drawn. In the last 4-5 months, I've had so much blood drawn, it just didn't feel that different. I also think I've been trying to protect myself a bit while waiting for the results of this blood test. I WANTED to be pregnant, but the odds are always against you, so, I figured best to assume you won't be pregnant; then the disappointment won't be as bad. That's what I tried to tell myself anyway.

After the blood draw, I headed to work, and just went about my day. I wasn't expecting any sort of call until 3pm (because that's when the last two calls came). I worked away, trying to distract myself. Trying to think about what it would feel like to start all over again; again. Really trying to gear myself up for the good possibility that I was not pregnant.

At 12:20pm yesterday, my office phone rang. I thought nothing of it, because they don't usually call my work phone. I answered with my customary "This is Mariah" greeting, and was greeted back by, "Hello Mariah- It's Kathy from Dr. David's office." WAIT! Wait. I had planned on seeing that it was them on the caller ID before I picked up, because then I could gear myself up and also, listen to the nurse's voice. You see, the first call I got, when I wasn't pregnant, the nurse sounded all sympathetic when she said "This is so and so from Dr. David's office". And then the second time (when I WAS pregnant) she sounded all chipper and happy! So, I was planning on listening for that tell-tale clue, but I wasn't prepared! They called 3 hours early, and they called a different phone. Annnnywayyyy.. (is it getting annoying that I'm drawing this out with such stupid mundane details?), then she said… "Congratulations! You're pregnant!"

So, yep! We've done it again. It was weird getting the news this time. I was happy, but I felt COMPLETELY different this time. I felt excited, but at the same time scared- thinking about my miscarriage; wondering if it would happen again. Worrying about getting my hopes all up only to miscarry again. But as the day wore on, I started to feel even happier and more excited, because- hey! Maybe it will work this time! Maybe we'll be parents come July 2011. Maybe the best will happen, instead of the worst. This is what I hope for. :)

So, there's my news! Knocked up once again! Quite pleased about it, and looking forward to everything ahead. In the meantime, I've got lots of things I'm not allowed to do; exercise, carry heavy things, no air travel- which sadly means no coming home for the holidays :( I go in tomorrow to get more tests done on my blood, so I'll let you know how that goes.
In the meantime; I'm just happy as a clam, and feel so excited to start this journey again. :)

Thanks to everyone for all the amazing support. :) I'm so lucky to have all of you!

~M

freak of nature. also? i'm tired.

Well, I just got a call from my Dr. David's office, and apparently, my body is just confusing everyone there. I did my blood tests again this morning and they went up... a LITTLE. Not to the extent where they're "normal" yet, but they went up to 3668.

Here's another recap of numbers:

Week 4- (7/29)- 462
Week 5- (8/2)- 2000
Week 5- (8/5)- 2996
Week 6- (8/9)- 3153
Week 6- (8/12)- 2851

and now-

Week 7- (8/16)- 3668

The nurse actually said "We're all baffled. We are on the edge of our seats to see what your ultrasound says on Thursday."

This both gives me hope and freaks me out a bit (you know, since not even the DOCTORS know what is going on).

Also, they decided to NOT have me do my bloods this Thursday, and instead go by the ultrasound I'll have that morning. I have to admit; although the blood hCG results were rarely good, I still got some sort of security from getting them; like we were keeping an eye on things. The truth of the matter though is that there's nothing you can DO about the numbers. So, knowing sort of helped in that you felt like you had a slight window into what was happening, but I guess I didn't really.

My progesterone (the other level they measure weekly) was at 21.7, which is smack dab in the middle of normal. This is good; but also baffling, as I'm now taking 400mg of progesterone a day, whereas when I started, I was taking only 200mg. Anyway, I may ask them to measure that on Friday, just so we can stay on top of that, because that IS something you can do something about.

So... good-ish news? No real way to know, honestly. We're just going to hope for the best on Thursday.

In other news? Holy BUH-JEEZY I'm tired. No, I'm not surprised at all, because I know that's a major symptom of pregnancy in the first trimester. But man, it sure is hard to stay awake, since I sit pretty much all day. I try to take frequent breaks just to get up and walk around, but I'm still super tired. I took two, TWO, naps this weekend. It was glorious. I now love naps. I didn't used to like naps, because they always left me feeling groggy, but now they just are awesome. I wish they did nap time at work. I would be an active participant.

~M

rollercoaster numbers

Well, just got my hCG levels back. As a recap, here's how they were going:

Week 4- (7/29)- 462
Week 5- (8/2)- 2000
Week 5- (8/5)- 2996
Week 6- (8/9)- 3153

So today, we add to it with:

Week 6- (8/12)- 2851

Yes, you're reading that correctly; it went down. Not a lot, but it's not supposed to go down yet. Oh, sure, they say that later on in the pregnancy the numbers start to drop off, but we are NOT there yet. That is supposed to happen MUCH later.

The nurse told me not to worry too much, since we had such a good sonogram this week. But how can I not worry? I've made the decision to stop googling "low hCG in early pregnancy" and stuff like that. Because it rarely says good things. And it's sure not helping.

Anyway, I go in for another ultrasound on the 19th, and I repeat my bloods on Monday. I'm normally anxious to get my blood results back, but at this point I'm not, since they don't seem to be cooperating. I'm anxious for Thursday though; I want to see my little blob and it's little heartbeat again. I want to see that it's growing and that all is well; despite my body's desire to not follow proper protocol.

~M

cautious optimism

So, the little sweet pea has been giving us some worries lately. As I mentioned earlier, I have been going in twice weekly to get blood drawn to measure my hCG levels. For those of you not up on pregnancy lingo, here you go:

The hormone human chorionic gonadotropin (better known as hCG) is produced during pregnancy. It is made by cells that form the placenta, which nourishes the egg after it has been fertilized and becomes attached to the uterine wall. Levels can first be detected by a blood test about 11 days after conception and about 12 - 14 days after conception by a urine test. In general the hCG levels will double every 72 hours. The level will reach its peak in the first 8 - 11 weeks of pregnancy and then will decline and level off for the remainder of the pregnancy.

So, when you take a pregnancy test, that's what the test is looking for; hCG. And as it mentions above, hCG continues to rise (and hopefully double) every 72 hours. So far my levels went like this:

Week 4- (7/29)- 462
Week 5- (8/2)- 2000
Week 5- (8/5)- 2996
Week 6- (8/9)- 3153

So, as you can see, between weeks 4 and 5 we did ok, but then it started to slow way down. This is generally NOT a good sign. It often means that the pregnancy may not continue. HOWEVER, then you also read stuff like this online:

• In a bout 85% of normal pregnancies, the hCG level will double every 48 - 72 hours. As you get further along in pregnancy and the hCG level gets higher, the time it takes to double can increase to about every 96 hours.

• Caution must be used in making too much of hCG numbers. A normal pregnancy may have low hCG levels and result in a perfectly healthy baby. The results from an ultrasound after 5 - 6 weeks gestation are much more accurate than using hCG numbers.

So maybe we're the other 15% of normal pregnancies where the hCG level WON'T double? GAH. It's really maddening and stressful.

HOWEVER, also, as it mentioned in the 2nd bullet point; the results from the ultrasound at 5-6 weeks are more accurate. Well, it just so happens that I had an ultrasound yesterday. They were checking to make sure the blood flow to the uterus was good and to make sure the pregnancy was in the uterus. Well, the blood flow is just fine and the pregnancy is in the uterus. Also, she said size wise, it's measuring at about 5 weeks 6 days; which is where it should be. ALSO, I saw the heart beat! I couldn't hear it yet, because it's way too small, but I saw it and it was WAY cool. Which is so great, because we were SO worried on Monday night; just really sick with worry.

Anyway, my doctor is advising that we proceed with "cautious optimism". Which, sort of doesn't make me feel any better. I mean- it WAS reassuring to see the little heart fluttering (and also just pretty damn cool) but oh, hCG, why aren't you cooperating?

We'll see what my levels are tomorrow- I'm hoping for a huge jump. If you feel so inclined; send good thoughts our way!

~M

waiting and worrying

For the next two weeks I have to go in twice a week and get blood drawn. I've already gone twice this week, so only two more weeks to go. They are checking to make sure my HCG (pregnancy hormone) and progesterone levels are rising appropriately. Last Thursday my HCG was 496 and then on Monday morning it was over 2000, so those numbers are rising appropriately. Apparently it's supposed to double every 36 hours or so. However, though my progesterone was normal on Thursday, it was low on Monday, so they increased my dosage of progesterone pills to 3 times per day instead of 2. I went in this morning to get my levels checked again, and I'll find out this afternoon.

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't worried. Low progesterone levels can mean something might possibly be going wrong. Both my PCOS and my Factor V can increase the risk of something going wrong (I really am trying not to use the "m" word), and I'm only in week 5. The risk goes down once I reach the 2nd trimester, but that's still like 8 weeks away. I keep telling myself that if something goes wrong this time that it's ok, because at least I know I can get pregnant! BUT, I think I won't feel that ok with it if it were to happen. I just keep hoping and praying that my little guy or girl just can hold on in there.

Anyway, I just hope I'm worrying unnecessarily. And yes, I realize that worrying isn't going to help anything. But, when you want something so badly, it's hard not to.

I'll let y'all know what my levels are this afternoon once I get them. Cross your fingers!

~M

***UPDATE*** My HCG is 2996 and my progesterone is normal again at 43. The HCG didn't rise as much as last time, but she said it was within the normal range. SO... less worrying for now. :) I have a sonogram scheduled for Tuesday. It's simply to make sure the pregnancy is in the uterus (vs. the fallopian tubes) and to check blood flow to the uterus. There will not be a heartbeat yet, so the nurse told me not to panic about that. :)

a chance of rain

Sorry it's been since Tuesday since I blogged! I didn't have anything very exciting to blog about until Wednesday afternoon, and then I just figured I'd write about it on Thursday. But, I didn't get to it.

ANYway, so, remember when Tuesday I was all "boo hoo! My follicle has disappeared! Woe is me!"? Well, I had blood drawn on Wednesday morning to check my progesterone and estradiol levels to see if I'd already ovulated or was about to, or wasn't even close. If I wasn't close (i.e. the follicle had disappeared) Dr. D was going to start me on another (higher dose) of clomid. This did not appeal to me, but, I didn't want another 85 day cycle, so I was eventually fine with it. BUT. They called me on Wednesday and said my progesterone was at 300 and my estradiol was at 100 (do I know what this means? no.) and that I was about to ovulate. YAY! So, it turns out my follicle was just probably being shy and hiding behind my uterus or some other organ. And lo and behold- Thursday morning- my temp was up! I tried not to get excited, b/c it could have been a fluke high temp but then this morning- another high one! YAY! Fertility friend (the online charting website) won't confirm ovulation until you have 3 days of elevated temps in a row, but I'm confirming it. :) Ovulation you guys! On day 19! Like a normal person! Here she is:


Isn't it lovely? Oh, and just to compare it to LAST cycle:

What an improvement! Yay, modern medicine and acupuncture! :)

I got my blood drawn this morning again to test my progesterone levels. I don't really know why. Maybe to confirm ovulation? Who knows.

So, another slight worry of ours is the news we got from Ian's doctor about the motility and morphology of his guys possibly making things a bit more difficult for us. Basically, a normal healthy couple has about a 25% chance each month to get pregnant. And yes, that's even if you're timing it perfectly. Ian's doc said that with our issues, we have about 1/2 that chance, maybe a little more. He suggested that next cycle, if we don't get pregnant this time, that we move on to IUI.

Ian and I were in the kitchen on Wednesday night chatting, and I said, "you know, 10-15% chance each month is really low. If the weatherman said there was a 10-15% chance of rain, I wouldn't bring my umbrella with me." Then he wisely said, "Well, yes, but if someone told me I had a 10-15% chance of winning the lottery, I'd sure buy a ticket." :) I like that better.

Oh, and also? This morning, the weather said 20% chance of rain. I didn't grab my umbrella, and when I went outside… it was raining.

I guess you just never know. :)

Happy Weekend, all!

~M

photo source unknown. please comment if you know.