holding back

Well, I can't lie and say that being pregnant this time around is as full of hope as the last time. Don't get me wrong; I'm SO happy that I got pregnant so quickly after the miscarriage. And I do hope that it works this time- of course I do! I hope that with all of my heart. And, I'm excited to be pregnant… but it is completely different this time. I find myself getting excited about it, and then I feel myself pulling back a little. I guess just trying to protect myself a bit, and manage my expectations. Yes, it could definitely go perfectly swimmingly this time, and we'll have a little tiny Fraser come July 2011. Or, the same thing could happen as last time. It could go either way. I'm hoping for the former, but I think I'm trying to keep my heart from getting too attached for now.

As you'll recall; last time my hcG numbers were quite telling. The first three were very good, and then they stopped doubling, and even went down a couple of times. Not good. But, everyone told me not to worry, because the sonograms all looked good. This time, so far, the numbers are very good. I've only had 3 done though, so far, so, we'll see what the numbers are tomorrow and next week. If they keep going up the way they should (doubling every 2-3 days), I'll feel a lot better.

Here they are so far:

11/2- 80- yay, pregnant!
11/4- 247- more than tripled!
11/8- 1907- big jump! so far so good...

I have an ultrasound on Friday afternoon, which I'm both excited and nervous for. This first ultrasound is again to determine that the pregnancy is in the right place (uterus, not fallopian tubes) and to make sure that blood flow to the uterus is good. Last time when I had my first ultrasound, I also got to see the little heartbeat, so, I'm kind of hoping for that again. I would feel SO happy if my numbers were awesome and then I got to see a heartbeat.

I don't have many symptoms yet. Last night I did have some really wicked nausea though. It appears as though my worst bouts of it so far are coming at night. I've had a bit of it during the day, but it seems to be a little worse at night. (I mean, it has been for a few nights now. I guess I haven't known I was pregnant long enough for there to be much of a pattern yet, so we'll see.)

So, mostly? I'm happy and excited, but it's different this time. People reacted differently as well. I mean, we haven't told that many people (um, except the internet I guess), but with a few people we told in person or over the phone, there was a difference in the way they reacted. A hesitance. Which, isn't bad, because frankly; that's how I reacted too. I was excited, but equally nervous and scared.

I can't wait until things seem a little more sure. So I can enjoy looking at baby stuff instead of thinking "Why am I doing this to myself if things could just turn out like they did last time?". So I can think about the future and how different our lives will be after July, without thinking "or, maybe they won't be different. Maybe they'll be exactly the same as they have been for the last year and a half". So I can just enjoy my pregnancy. I want that so badly.

So, for now, all I can do is wait to see what the blood results are tomorrow, and the next one (Monday I think) and hope for a good ultrasound.

Keep your fingers crossed for us!

~M