outings

For the most part, since the girls have come home, we've stayed at home with them. It's pretty much necessary, because 1) they're really little and young! and fragile! and 2) it's really hot out in NYC right now; not the best time for traveling with two newborns. and 3) We don't have a car, so it's either the subway or a car service, and both have their pros and cons.

So far the only places we have gone have been doctor appointments of some kind, and then once, down the street to the corner deli. The first outing was to the pediatrician the day after they arrived home- just to check to see if they were gaining weight properly. The next outing was the pediatrician again- a follow up.

The trip to the deli was mostly to get a little walk in, since I was feeling the need to get out of the house, and also an excuse to use our ergo carriers. Here's us returning home:

Then, last week my mother-in-law and I took them to my OBGYN appointment. It wasn't necessary; she could have just stayed at home with them while I went to my appointment- but we decided it'd be fun if we all took a little trip. For this outing, we decided to take a car service since it was on the east side and we would have had to transfer trains if we took the subway. Not ready for that! My appointment ran a little late, so I had to breastfeed Amelie in the exam room before we headed out, because she started crying. But after that, we walked 2 blocks to a nearby Starbucks and fed them both a bottle while we had a little coffee. Amelie was WIDE awake the whole time, taking it all in:

while Poppy just napped the whole time:

Then today we had to go to Children's hospital at Columbia Presbyterian for an ultrasound of Amelie's hip. She was delivered breech, so it's standard procedure for them to do an ultrasound to make sure their hips are ok. She was just fine. :) Today we took the subway, which was an undertaking, but it worked! We had to make sure the stop we got off at had an elevator for our stroller, which it did. It was REALLY hot today, but the girls were fine- they wore the new sundresses that their Aunt Jody gave them; so they were nice and cool:

And here's them in their cool ride on the subway:

So there you go! We've already had many adventures- and all before they're four weeks old! I can't wait for more little trips ahead; and maybe a few that don't involve the doctor's office. :)

~M

pregnancy brain

So, a while back, a friend asked me if I had encountered what many call “pregnancy brain”. I really thought that so far I had escaped it. Oh, sure, there were some days I felt less sharp than others, but those were days when I really hadn’t been able to sleep much, or, in the first trimester when I couldn’t get ENOUGH sleep so I always felt sleep deprived. I did have days where it was hard to concentrate at work, but it wasn’t anything major.

However, it now seems as though the so-called “pregnancy brain” has fully kicked in.

I’ll start with the not as funny story first. I had an appointment with my hematologist this morning. I see her every 6 weeks to make sure my levels of Lovenox are still ok, and to check my thyroid. Yesterday, I had a reminder pop up on my Outlook calendar “Appointment with Dr. Etingin tomorrow morning”. I also put a reminder on my iphone and it popped up when I was home last night at 7pm. However, between then and waking up this morning; I totally forgot about it. Didn’t remember until I was in the shower this morning, and realized I had to be out of the house in 5 minutes to make my appointment. Then, once I made it out the door by some miracle, I proceeded to head to the wrong train. I managed to only be 3 minutes late, but it made me feel pretty frazzled this morning.

The silliest thing I’ve done so far though, is in regards to the prenatal classes I signed Ian and I up for. In January, I googled “Mt. Sinai, prenatal classes” and clicked on the first link. It took me to a listing of prenatal classes at Mt. Sinai, and I saw that they were offering a 5 week course called “preparing for multiples”. Perfect! Over the 5 weeks (3 hour classes in the evening) they covered:

• preparing for birth
• comfort measures and pain management
• vaginal and c-section birth
• breastfeeding multiples
• getting organized at home

All for the bargain price of $200! Total for both of us! I was stoked and signed us up immediately. I got a confirmation, and was so pleased that we had such a perfectly tailored, comprehensive class.

Then yesterday, for some reason (even though our class wasn’t supposed to be until May), I decided that I should see exactly where the class was held, which route we should take to get there, and if there were any places nearby to eat dinner beforehand. So, I looked up the address that was on my confirmation letter: 600 University Avenue. Hmm. I had never heard of anything in the city being on University Avenue, but then again, it’s not like I know every street in the city. I typed it in to google maps, and it popped up with something in the Bronx. Ok, well, I know Mt. Sinai doesn’t have any branches in the Bronx. Weird. So, I put in “600 University Avenue, Mt. Sinai”, and this popped up:

Mount Sinai Hospital Joseph and Wolf Lebovic Health Complex 600 University Avenue, Toronto, Ontario, Canada

Yes, you read that right. Canada. I signed us up for classes in CANADA. Now, you may think “oh, but anyone could make that mistake. You just didn’t notice that the web address was www.mtsinai.on.ca that one time that you were on their page.” Well, that would make sense, only I went on the page a bazillion times to read about it. Never noticed that the web address ended in .on.ca. Then you may think, “Oh, but you just didn’t see that the phone numbers all listed on the site started with “416”- clearly not a New York area code. If you’d seen a phone number listed, you would have figured it out.” WELL, you’d think so, but no, I actually CALLED the number once to ask a question. Not even thinking about the fact that it’s not a NY area code. Then you may think “Well, you must not have looked at your debit card statement, because if you had, you would have realized that you were charged more than $200 because of the exchange rate.” No, I saw it, and thought “Oh, it must be taxes or something.” But somehow I didn’t see that it also said “(EXCHG RTE)” on my statement next to the charge.

So, there you go. Now I have to get a refund, and find some classes for us to take here. From what I can see, Mt. Sinai in New York offers nothing like their Canadian counterpart. First of all, we’ll have to take several classes separately. Second of all, it’s going to end up being over twice as much as the Canadian classes. And third of all, none of the classes will be geared towards twins.

What have I learned? Pregnancy brain is sure real. I read about it today, and apparently the combination of lack of sleep (check), raging hormones (check), and being distracted by the thought of the growing beings inside of you (check, check)- can give you what many call “Pregnancy Brain”. And clearly, since I can’t tell New York from Ontario, I’ve got a major case of it.

I’m super bummed that we won’t get our awesome class for the awesome price, but I sure am glad I checked now instead of the night before! Guess I’ll need to start really focusing hard on things and make lots of lists and reminders. I have a feeling I haven’t seen the last of you, pregnancy brain.


~M

*photo found here

a regular ol' update

Well, the ultrasound was a success! It wasn’t as exciting as the last ultrasound, only b/c it was with my regular OBGYN, and my other ultrasound was with an ultrasound tech who spends a lot more time showing you what’s happening in there. But, since I just had an ultrasound a little over a week ago, I was happy with the quick look. Everything is measuring on schedule and I saw plenty of heartbeating. :)

Usually at 7 weeks (almost 8), if you start with a reproductive endocrinologist (Dr. David) you aren’t seeing your regular OB until like week 9 or 10. But, I had to go see her for a separate issue, and therefore had to tell her I was pregnant. SO, I’m currently seeing two doctors, which is just fine with me, because at least for the next couple of weeks, I get to have extra ultrasounds. :) And since I’m constantly worrying that something is wrong in there, it’s nice to have that reassurance.

I have to go in and meet with my hematologist again about my Factor V clotting thing, to make sure that my dosage of Lovenox (blood thinner) is high enough. I’ve been giving myself injections again since I found out I was pregnant, and my stomach is back to looking like someone punched me all over with tiny fists. It’s real purty. Oh well; it’s for a good cause. :)

My nausea is a lot better, though this morning a guy was sitting next to me on the subway eating some sort of hot turkey and egg sandwich and I almost had to get off the train. It smelled SO bad. I think it wouldn’t have been pleasant even if I wasn’t pregnant, but MAN. I had to breathe through my mouth until he finished his gross breakfast. He also chewed with his mouth open and smacked his lips which didn’t help.

I realize I’ve been slacking a bit on updating lately, but it seems as though there aren’t as many things to update recently! I’m going to make an effort to post at least 5 times a week again though, like I was doing at first. I think most of it is; I’m really trying not to get too ahead of myself. It’s really hard, because I’m excited, but I’m quite aware that something could still go wrong. I’m hoping and praying that it won’t, but you never know. So, I hold myself back from looking at strollers, and cribs and reading too many books, because well; you just never know. I’m thinking positively though, just trying to protect myself a bit.

Have a lovely weekend, all! We had company all last week, so this weekend I plan on doing laundry, and a lot of lounging. :)

~M

holidays and sonograms!

Hello everyone! I hope you had a lovely Thanksgiving holiday! I know I did. My sweet brother is visiting us from Seattle, and we've just been having a grand time. I made us a small turkey dinner on Thursday, a fun day of sleeping in, lounging, cooking, visiting, and the Macy's parade on TV. It wasn't fancy, but it was cozy and the food was good if I do say so myself. :)

OH! And of course, as I mentioned, I had my sonogram on Wednesday! Everything looks a-ok! Heartbeat is good, in the 120's which is good for 7 weeks. Today we are officially at 7 weeks, 3 days, which is the exact point in my pregnancy that I miscarried last time. So, when tomorrow comes, we'll be in new territory. However, it all looked good on the sonogram, and I have another one scheduled for Thursday. Yay!

My nausea seems to be slightly less frequent, which is good, but always worries me. I like my symptoms; they're a little reassurance that all is well. However, I'm pretty darn tired all the time, and have other symptoms, so I think all is well so far. :) Can't wait until Thursday so I can see more baby and baby heartbeat!

On an unrelated-to-baby-stuff note, we took my brother to the Metropolitan Museum of Art yesterday. It was my second visit and I quite enjoyed it. Saw lots of cool stuff, including some very famous and lovely paintings.

All in all, everything is great! I just hope it keeps on going so well. :)

Hope everyone had a grand Thanksgiving! I sure know what I'm thankful for!


~M

giant potatoes, acid, and Haley Joel Osment

So, this title may have thrown you off a bit, but I assure you, all 3 of these things are relevant to today's post. You just have to be patient.

So, I had my second ultrasound of the week, and my follicles are MATURE. Like, so mature, they must have read this article. They grew from 15mm on Monday to a whopping 20mm today. Two of them! Double the chances! (Ok, I don't actually know if that's true, but in my mind, it makes sense. Two eggs are better than one... or something. Right?) ANYway...

Ok, plug your ears, mom... TMI coming up. So, the good doctor told me in my appointment on Monday that Tuesday night he wanted me to get "romantic" with my husband (snicker, snicker- their word) so that he could do a post coital test to see how the sperms were surviving. Remember last time when it turns out I'm all acidic and I kill the sperms, but then later on we fixed the issue with a little baking soda? Well, yesterday I totally used the baking soda solution before the romanticism ensued, and apparently it didn't work. Because he did another post coital test this morning, and I'm all acidic again! AND, he looked at the sperms again under a microscope and they're all dead. I am killing them again apparently. :( I mean, it doesn't TOTALLY matter, because an IUI bypasses all the acidic areas, but still. Annoying! Because if the IUI isn't successful this time, we certainly can't afford to keep doing it that way. So, I will have to figure out how to be less acidic.

One way is to eat alkaline foods. All meat is acidic, so that would be out. Which isn't a huge deal, because I don't eat a ton of meat anyway. I decided to try to be alkaline at lunch today, so I ordered a baked potato (alkaline) and an all fruit smoothie. Fruit is alkaline as well. I was too cold to order a salad. Sounds like a lovely, light lunch, right? Um, guys, check out the potato they sent me:

It's GINORMOUS! I left the fork there for scale. It's huge! I ate a third of it and then sadly had to toss the rest.

Oh, and here's my smoothie:

Nothing special about it, just was in a dorky picture taking mood today. :) Smoothie! Smoothie! That's kind of fun to say. No, I'm not drunk.

So, ANYway...back to the inner workings of my lady parts.

As I mentioned, my follicles are super mature, and so they gave me a trigger shot (in the muscle of my bum- ow!) of hCG to force the eggs to pop out. I am supposed to ovulate in the next 24-48 hours. Which means, tomorrow is IUI day! Huzzah! Paper confetti, balloons! I'm trying to psych myself up about it, because I'm nervous and worried it won't work. So, I'm psyching myself up- wahooo!

Ok, lastly. Are you wondering about Haley Joel Osment? I bet you were. I bet you read this whole post and were like "that bitch isn't going to tell us the significance of Haley Joel Osment in the title of this post! Did she see him today? Are they secret lovers? what is going ON??" Ok, well, first of all- Calm down! Jeez. Alright. So, the nurse this morning was writing down my appointment in their appointment planner. I watched her write it, and she wrote "AI- Mariah Fraser". I was confused. AI? What is that? Isn't that a movie? Starring Mr. Haley Joel Osment? So, I asked her what "AI" stood for- and she told me: "Artificial Insemination". OHHHH. Duh. Then I was like "All I could think of was that movie, AI, with that kid from the Sixth Sense." And then I laughed, because I thought it was funny. Not funny ha ha, so much, but you know. She did not. She just stared at me. So, I grabbed my bag and split.

Ok, this was a weird post, but I think you got all the general information of the goings on right now. Tomorrow morning at 10am Eastern, they will attempt to artificially knock me up. Cross your fingers that it works.

~M

the results are in: keep waiting.

Well, thanks to the clomid, my follicles (little round houses produced in your ovaries every month to hold your eggs) are coming along- but they're not quite there yet. At my doctor appointment this morning I discovered I have two follicles that are almost exactly the same size at 15mm. Dr. David considers a follicle mature at 17-18mm. So, I'm going back in on Wednesday to get another ultrasound. Hoorah for more waiting! Waiting is my favorite! I can't think of anything else I'd rather do than wait! (I'm trying to psych myself up to be patient. I think it's totally working.)

Yes, I realize it's only one and a half more days until I get to go in again, but BOY is the patience so much harder this time around. Seriously. I think it's harder for a lot of reasons. I will list them for you.

1. I've already been pregnant, and sadly miscarried. It's like someone gave me the most awesomest present in the world, that I'd been wishing to get for a year. Then they let me have it for a while, and show it off to friends and love it more than anything, and then yanked it away. nope! Never mind- you don't get this awesome present.

2. Now I know we can get pregnant. It has happened. Before, the waiting was always tinged with "well, maybe it's just not even possible for me to GET pregnant." Now I know that it is, so it makes me more impatient to have to wait for it.

3. I'm now scared of miscarriages. I mean, I was scared of them before, but now I'm scared that it could happen every time. It's more of a reality now. So, what if I wait ANOTHER year... and it just happens again? I read/hear these stories about women who miscarry 5, 6, 7 times before finally having a baby. This frightens me, because I really honestly don't feel like I have the strength for that. I mean, I hope and pray that I don't HAVE to face that scenario, but I worry that if I did... I wouldn't be able to be as brave as those women who are able to summon the strength to keep trying.

4. I got a lotta love to give! I can't wait to love a little baby. I will make it feel like the luckiest baby in the whole wide world- and I know Ian will too.

So, there you have it- my reasons that patience is not as easy this time. But what choice do I have? Can't rush these things; just gotta keep on chuggin', be patient, and WAIT.

~M

p.s. the cute clock in the photo is actually my new vintage alarm clock. It ticks REALLY loud, so while we originally had it in the living room- I had to move it, because the ticking was stressing me out. :) It's now in the bathroom and it looks super cute.

here I am!

Oh. So, I haven't written for a week. I think this might be my longest hiatus from blogging ever. Sorry, bout that guys! I really just haven't had a lot to report… combined with the fact that some of the stuff I COULD report…I didn't really want to. So, there ya have it. My excuse. :) Onward!

This week was a weird one. Not super crazy wacky weird, but I felt weird about a lot of things. I blame the clomid. Messing with your hormones does crazy things. So, on Sunday I started my clomid for this cycle and took it for 5 days- finished up yesterday. So, hopefully, my ovaries are doing their thang, and getting all ready to pop out some awesome eggs. Dr. D upped the dosage of clomid this month, so, we'll see what that does. I really really hope that all systems are a go, and that things are happening the way they should. I go in on Monday to get an ultrasound to check out my follicles, to see when we can do the IUI. (And for my non-fertility following friends out there, IUI stand for Intra Uterine Insemination- you can read about it here, if you so choose). See? See how I keep you so informed and knowlegeable? You're welcome. I've given you the PERFECT cocktail party convo topic. Really- just bring it up to a random stranger. They'll be all impressed with your phat fertility knowledge.

Speaking of the IUI, Ian and I had some talks about that this week. He said he sometimes feels (and I completely agree and understand) that doing an IUI is "cheating". I mean, we were able to get pregnant before "the old fashioned way" , so why shouldn't we try that again? Well, the reason we are fairly sure we're going to do an IUI this time, is because of the trauma Ian's poor sperms have been through lately. See, he has had pain issues in his nether-regions for about a year now (that's right- a YEAR. We truly are the household of broken junk. Poor guy!). Well, when we got pregnant, Ian started being more aggressive (as per his Physical Therapist's instructions) with trying to fix things, since we no longer had to worry about his sperm quality for a while. One of the things he did was take hot baths every night for a couple of weeks. Well, if any of you are familiar with the "things-dudes-have-to-stop-doing-whilst-trying-to-knock-up-their-women"; taking hot baths or being in hot tubs is a no-no. Also, he had gone back to having the occasional drink, because well, I was already pregnant. Oh, but then I miscarried. SOOO…. the baths, the alcohol… well, they very well could have affected his soldiers. We don't know for SURE, but it could have. ANYhoo- this is why we are strongly considering the IUI this time. Because before they do the IUI, they take his sperms and they separate the good ones out by spinning them in a centrifuge thing, so only the top notch ones are deployed during the IUI. No slow-moes getting in the way. So, if there did happen to be any damage done with the baths and the martinis, we can hopefully still have millions of guys that were NOT affected. Especially since as soon as I miscarried, he stopped with the baths. However, even with all of this, our odds will be only SLIGHTLY increased; but not a ton. Just very slightly.

So, there's the other risk for me; getting my hopes up that since we're doing this all "fancy schmancy scientific like"; that we'll for SURE get pregnant! Because nope; the chance still hovers around 15-25%.

Anyway, are we cheating doing it this way? Maybe. It's not ideally how I'd like for it to happen. But, I also don't want it to take another year and a half. I want a baby. No, I'm still not willing to do IVF- and we don't need to- but I think I can handle this. Sometimes though, it feels a little like I imagine women who had to give birth via c-section might feel. Like, yes, you had your baby, but you didn't birth them in the traditional sense. I know that from what I've read on other blogs, that this can sometimes be really hard for women, because they feel like they didn't get the experience of actually delivering the baby naturally. They didn't "pay their dues". Of course, we all realize that no matter HOW you bring a baby into this world; natural birth, epidural, c-section, adoption; you are a rock star mom. So, I need to keep telling myself that if I do an IUI, it doesn't make me any less of a woman or Ian any less of a man. If it brings us a beautiful baby to love; then that's all that matters.

I'll keep you in the loop with Monday's results as to how my follicles are doing. Cross your fingers. :)

Have a lovely weekend, all.

~M

four weeks

I looked at the calendar today, and realized it's been exactly one month today since I lost my first pregnancy. In a way, it seems like it happened just yesterday; and conversely it also seems like it was eons ago.

I definitely feel that Ian and I have healed quite a bit since then. We still have moments. Moments where the loss of so many things (the pregnancy, the FIRST pregnancy, some of our hope, plans….etc.) washes over us and feels a bit all-consuming. And sometimes those moments turn into hours and days. Recently, I've had some really hard days…but, for the most part, we are healing.

After my doctor appointment last week, I was overwhelmed. I waited in the uber fancy waiting room and all the nurses knew me. They gave me sad smiles and said I looked well. Offered me sparkling water. In his office, I sat down and he asked me about my miscarriage (oh- how I HATE typing or saying that word) and got some details, and then turned the page in my chart to reveal a blank, brand new white page.

"Ok. Should we start again?"

Well, to me, I thought he meant "Should we start talking about next steps and see where things go…?". Naive? yes. But I think that I just didn't feel quite ready to just start over again, and both Ian and I had talked about how we just weren't ready.

But, when Dr. David said, "Ok. Should we start again?" he meant START AGAIN. As in; let's get a bun in that oven STAT.

whoa there.

See, most recently, (as you may recall) we had been thinking that maybe we'd wait a few months before trying again. Everything I read said you should wait 1-2 cycles before trying again. Now, I think maybe that was mostly for emotional healing, but some articles also mentioned getting your body synced back into a rhythm again. Well, since my body has never HAD a rhythm before (oh, hello 85 day cycle!) I wasn't totally sure how that would work.

Anyway, we talked, and talked. He said "no, we don’t need to wait several cycles." But, since I haven't had a period since June, he gave me progesterone to take for 10 days, and then 10-15 days later, I should get my period. So, basically we'd technically be waiting one cycle.

I told him about Ian's pain issues, and we discussed how that would affect things. He mentioned that maybe an IUI would be the best way to go the first time around, assisted of course with my old pals- Clomid and Dexamethasone.

ANYway…. my head was swirling for the rest of that day. I went home and spewed it all out at Ian, and completely overwhelmed him. You see, by the end of that appointment, I was like "Hells YES! Let's make another baby, dammit! What are we waiting for??" Oh, sure, I was also thinking, "Holy crap. This is a lot. We have to start ALL over again. yikes." but then I'd be right back to, "Let's DO this, y'all! I want us to be parents!!" Anyway. Poor Ian; I just dumped it all over him.

A few days went by, and we had some time apart (I was the most social butterfly I've been in a long time- went out THREE nights in a row…) and then on the third night when we went out together, he declared; "I want to have a baby. Let's do this." So, we had a beer (WHAT? we haven't started YET….) and talked it all through. We both decided that life is short; we want a baby, we got the go ahead from our excellent doctor- what are we waiting for?

I started my progesterone and now we just wait. We also decided that we do want to do an IUI this first time, as we found out today that we can afford at least one, maybe 2, and it might take some of the pressure off the first time back in the game. The IUI will likely be in late October.

Until then, I'm continuing on my path to get as healthy as possible (down 5.2 pounds. woot!) and try and just think positively. I know some days that will be easier said than done… but four weeks ago, I didn't think I'd ever feel hopeful about this again.

So, that's it. Time to start daily temperature taking, acupuncture, herbs, charts, pills, doctor visits...

Time to start over.

Ready? On your mark, get set….holy crap….

~M

*photo found here

tomorrow? oh..um, ok...

So, today I finally got up the nerve to call Dr. David's office and make my appointment for "what happens next". I'll admit- I was putting it off. They weren't calling me, so, I knew it was up to me... I just was not wanting to call.

But, I called today thinking they'd say, "Sure, come in on Friday, or next week or something."

Instead she said, "Do you want to come in tomorrow at 9:15am?"

"oh, um, ok... I, sure, yeah, that'd be, uh, ok. yeah. yep."

I am still not ready to try yet, but I want to talk to him about it all and see what he thinks and get his opinion on how long we should wait to try. Also, Ian is still struggling with his pain, and we need to wait for this to get better until we start trying again. Poor guy; I really hope he feels better soon- he's been dealing with this for over a year now.

So, we'll see what he says. I have this weird, nauseated, pit-in-my-stomach feeling about going back to him. He's great; and has been nothing but fabulous the whole time, but since I'm not really ready to start trying yet; it just all feels weird. Completely different from the first consultation I had with him. Gone is the blind hope; replaced with fear of everything failing again. I'm sure the hope will come back someday, but it won't ever be the same. It will always be tainted with fear.

But, I think it's a good first step and it will be helpful to see what he says.

~M

ups and downs and ups

So, yesterday felt pretty bleak. hCG numbers dropped, started spotting- didn't seem good. So for my ultrasound today, I was trying to prepare myself for the worst, but once I was on the subway, and sitting in the waiting room, all I could think was "Everything HAS to be ok. It just has to. I can't handle it NOT being ok."

They told me to drink 20oz of water an hour beforehand. I may have had 32oz. You know-trying to go above and beyond. :) Um, they called me in about 3 minutes past my appointment time and I really thought I wasn't going to make it. I was going to pee all over the waiting room. And since Ian and I already looked like the poorest people in the waiting room (seriously; all the women had on designer maternity clothes and had fresh mani-pedi's and perfectly coiffed hair; all their husbands with nice suits. Then there's us in our "yes-this-is-from-Old-Navy-but-it-passes-for-work-clothes" outfits; the last thing I needed to do was make a scene and pee all over the waiting room.

Anyhoo, I didn't pee in the waiting room. But, when she did the external ultrasound, she was REALLY shocked to see how full my bladder was. She said it was so full it was 4 x the size of my uterus! Then, oh happy day, I got to pee. :)

ANYWAY... the part you ACTUALLY want to hear about (though why you don't want to read a whole post about my bladder is beyond me)... the baby is fine! It's measuring at 7 weeks (and we're at 6 weeks 6 days- way to be one day ahead, baby!) and it has a good heartbeat of 137. Wanna see??

This is how happy I am:
This has seriously been the most up and down my emotions have ever been. I'll be so excited when we pass the 12 week mark, so we can feel a LITTLE more confident.

Keep on growin', little blueberry!

~M

freak of nature. also? i'm tired.

Well, I just got a call from my Dr. David's office, and apparently, my body is just confusing everyone there. I did my blood tests again this morning and they went up... a LITTLE. Not to the extent where they're "normal" yet, but they went up to 3668.

Here's another recap of numbers:

Week 4- (7/29)- 462
Week 5- (8/2)- 2000
Week 5- (8/5)- 2996
Week 6- (8/9)- 3153
Week 6- (8/12)- 2851

and now-

Week 7- (8/16)- 3668

The nurse actually said "We're all baffled. We are on the edge of our seats to see what your ultrasound says on Thursday."

This both gives me hope and freaks me out a bit (you know, since not even the DOCTORS know what is going on).

Also, they decided to NOT have me do my bloods this Thursday, and instead go by the ultrasound I'll have that morning. I have to admit; although the blood hCG results were rarely good, I still got some sort of security from getting them; like we were keeping an eye on things. The truth of the matter though is that there's nothing you can DO about the numbers. So, knowing sort of helped in that you felt like you had a slight window into what was happening, but I guess I didn't really.

My progesterone (the other level they measure weekly) was at 21.7, which is smack dab in the middle of normal. This is good; but also baffling, as I'm now taking 400mg of progesterone a day, whereas when I started, I was taking only 200mg. Anyway, I may ask them to measure that on Friday, just so we can stay on top of that, because that IS something you can do something about.

So... good-ish news? No real way to know, honestly. We're just going to hope for the best on Thursday.

In other news? Holy BUH-JEEZY I'm tired. No, I'm not surprised at all, because I know that's a major symptom of pregnancy in the first trimester. But man, it sure is hard to stay awake, since I sit pretty much all day. I try to take frequent breaks just to get up and walk around, but I'm still super tired. I took two, TWO, naps this weekend. It was glorious. I now love naps. I didn't used to like naps, because they always left me feeling groggy, but now they just are awesome. I wish they did nap time at work. I would be an active participant.

~M

waiting and worrying

For the next two weeks I have to go in twice a week and get blood drawn. I've already gone twice this week, so only two more weeks to go. They are checking to make sure my HCG (pregnancy hormone) and progesterone levels are rising appropriately. Last Thursday my HCG was 496 and then on Monday morning it was over 2000, so those numbers are rising appropriately. Apparently it's supposed to double every 36 hours or so. However, though my progesterone was normal on Thursday, it was low on Monday, so they increased my dosage of progesterone pills to 3 times per day instead of 2. I went in this morning to get my levels checked again, and I'll find out this afternoon.

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't worried. Low progesterone levels can mean something might possibly be going wrong. Both my PCOS and my Factor V can increase the risk of something going wrong (I really am trying not to use the "m" word), and I'm only in week 5. The risk goes down once I reach the 2nd trimester, but that's still like 8 weeks away. I keep telling myself that if something goes wrong this time that it's ok, because at least I know I can get pregnant! BUT, I think I won't feel that ok with it if it were to happen. I just keep hoping and praying that my little guy or girl just can hold on in there.

Anyway, I just hope I'm worrying unnecessarily. And yes, I realize that worrying isn't going to help anything. But, when you want something so badly, it's hard not to.

I'll let y'all know what my levels are this afternoon once I get them. Cross your fingers!

~M

***UPDATE*** My HCG is 2996 and my progesterone is normal again at 43. The HCG didn't rise as much as last time, but she said it was within the normal range. SO... less worrying for now. :) I have a sonogram scheduled for Tuesday. It's simply to make sure the pregnancy is in the uterus (vs. the fallopian tubes) and to check blood flow to the uterus. There will not be a heartbeat yet, so the nurse told me not to panic about that. :)

a sticky situation

Hey, didja hear? I'm pregnant! :)

Oh, you heard? Well, I never tire of saying it. Seriously, I kind of want to tell everyone I see. That phrase "shout it from the rooftops"? Yeah, I now know what that means.

Anyway, I'm a few days shy of 4 weeks pregnant. So far, so good. Nothing much really to report.

Oh, except for the fact that because of my Factor V Leiden and PAI1 (blood clotting disorders) for now, I have to give myself a blood thinner shot every morning.

I went in today to learn how to do it. It didn't really hurt but it was hard to actually DO it. I am not sure I actually did; I think the nurse pushed my hand a little. So, I'll see how easy it is to do tomorrow morning.

Anyway, I say "for now" because tomorrow I have an appointment with a hematologist to see if I will need to take a blood thinner for the rest of my pregnancy.

Giving myself a shot every day won't be fun. But I can honestly tell you- I just don't care. Nothing can take away this high of knowing we're going to be parents. And if it helps keep this pregnancy healthy all the way until the end; well, it's more than worth it.

~M

a chance of rain

Sorry it's been since Tuesday since I blogged! I didn't have anything very exciting to blog about until Wednesday afternoon, and then I just figured I'd write about it on Thursday. But, I didn't get to it.

ANYway, so, remember when Tuesday I was all "boo hoo! My follicle has disappeared! Woe is me!"? Well, I had blood drawn on Wednesday morning to check my progesterone and estradiol levels to see if I'd already ovulated or was about to, or wasn't even close. If I wasn't close (i.e. the follicle had disappeared) Dr. D was going to start me on another (higher dose) of clomid. This did not appeal to me, but, I didn't want another 85 day cycle, so I was eventually fine with it. BUT. They called me on Wednesday and said my progesterone was at 300 and my estradiol was at 100 (do I know what this means? no.) and that I was about to ovulate. YAY! So, it turns out my follicle was just probably being shy and hiding behind my uterus or some other organ. And lo and behold- Thursday morning- my temp was up! I tried not to get excited, b/c it could have been a fluke high temp but then this morning- another high one! YAY! Fertility friend (the online charting website) won't confirm ovulation until you have 3 days of elevated temps in a row, but I'm confirming it. :) Ovulation you guys! On day 19! Like a normal person! Here she is:


Isn't it lovely? Oh, and just to compare it to LAST cycle:

What an improvement! Yay, modern medicine and acupuncture! :)

I got my blood drawn this morning again to test my progesterone levels. I don't really know why. Maybe to confirm ovulation? Who knows.

So, another slight worry of ours is the news we got from Ian's doctor about the motility and morphology of his guys possibly making things a bit more difficult for us. Basically, a normal healthy couple has about a 25% chance each month to get pregnant. And yes, that's even if you're timing it perfectly. Ian's doc said that with our issues, we have about 1/2 that chance, maybe a little more. He suggested that next cycle, if we don't get pregnant this time, that we move on to IUI.

Ian and I were in the kitchen on Wednesday night chatting, and I said, "you know, 10-15% chance each month is really low. If the weatherman said there was a 10-15% chance of rain, I wouldn't bring my umbrella with me." Then he wisely said, "Well, yes, but if someone told me I had a 10-15% chance of winning the lottery, I'd sure buy a ticket." :) I like that better.

Oh, and also? This morning, the weather said 20% chance of rain. I didn't grab my umbrella, and when I went outside… it was raining.

I guess you just never know. :)

Happy Weekend, all!

~M

photo source unknown. please comment if you know.

oh, good. more things.

So, remember that test I took last week? The one where I passed out and sweated profusely and convulsed in the waiting room and then cried in front of a bunch of strangers? Yeah, that was a proud day. Anyhoo, this was a test for something called thrombophilia, or Factor V Leiden. I was not worried about this test. Super D was mostly doing it because I did have a blood clot in my leg several years ago, but he wasn't really worried about me having it. Well guess what? I do. I have the blood clotting disorder called Factor V Leiden. Basically, this means my blood clots too easily, causing higher risk of blood clots, pulmonary embolisms and strokes. And in pregnant women, higher risks of miscarriage, preeclampsia and stillbirth.

What does this all mean? Well, I'm still doing research on it all. This does mean I'll probably have to take 2 baby aspirin for a day for the rest of my life. Until I get pregnant, when I will most likely have to move to an injectable blood thinner called heparin.

You guys? I'm not going to lie. This is all kind of freaking me out. I feel like, yes, we are finding all these reasons why I might not be getting pregnant, and that's good, because we can address them. But I feel like this last year with my PCOS and now this, I'm just feeling like I'm totally unhealthy and a ticking time bomb. I mean, I inherited them both, so it's not like I did it to myself, but still.

Basically it seems as though if I exercise, don't sit for long periods of time (ha ha! um, ok... not sure what I'm supposed to do about my desk job... guess I'll be getting up more), keep well hydrated, take specific supplements and eat a specific diet, I should be ok for the most part. Oh, and the baby aspirin. But, I am a little worried, because since I had my blood clot in my leg several years ago, it frequently swells up in the heat (like kind of big) and I'm worried that maybe there might be more clots in there. I've been reading about people who have tiny clots and don't know it. So, I guess I need to go see a hematologist and get it all checked. Hopefully they'll just say 2 baby aspirin a day are enough and that I won't need more until I get pregnant.

I will also need to see a hematologist when I'm pregnant, to make sure all is well with the baby and the daily medication I'll be on. I don't know all the details about that either yet, mostly because I'm not pregnant yet.

So, that's my new news. I go in tomorrow for another post coital test (to see if the baking soda solution works to help me not kill all the sperms) and also to get an ultrasound to see if this round of clomid worked. I'm really crossing my fingers that it did, because I need some good news right now.

I realize things could be worse, and that people deal with much worse things, but I just feel like I'm just about to my capacity of things I can handle in the health department right now. I'm really hoping that all comes back normal with Ian's tests so that we don't have to add more things on to the pile.

Ok, my whining session is over now. Time to suck it up, and move forward.

~M

let's start at the very beginning

So, my uber cycle is finally over. It lasted a whopping 85 days, but it's DONE. It started on April 3rd! Holy cow.

Now we are on day 2 of a brand new cycle, and I'm pleased to be done with the cycle that would never end. I called my Dr. this morning and we now have an action plan for this new cycle.

So, it's quite similar to the end of my last cycle- I'll be starting clomid and dexamethasone on day 4 through day 10. Then, on day 13, I'll go in for a sonogram to see if my little follicle is all ready to go, and also to do another post coital test to see if the baking soda is working to not kill sperms. So, you guys, I could potentially have a normal cycle this time! I'm not going to get ahead of myself, but I think it's entirely possible. A cycle over in a month? Crazy talk. We'll see. :)

~M

the waiting game

Sorry it's been a couple of days since my last post, but, well, I'm just sitting here waiting to see if we managed to knock me up. It's a long, tedious wait. Ok, I only have 7 more days, but still. It FEELS long. And.. the universe's cruelest joke? Pregnancy symptoms are the same as PMS symptoms. Yep. So, you can be like, "OMG! I'm totally nauseated!" or "YAY, a headache and cramps!" because you just finished googling "early pregnancy symptoms" and whaddya know! There they are! Oh... but, then you google "PMS symptoms"... and...whaddya know.... there they are again.

So really? There's just no way to tell. Some women are all, "Oh, I just knew." Yeah. I have a feeling that won't be me.

Ian went to the urologist yesterday to discuss his sperm morphology, etc. After an exam he said it doesn't seem as though there's anything physically wrong, which is good. He did, however, tell us about eleventy billion tests that would be good for him to do to help determine things like: Does his body create anti-sperm antibodies that kill the sperm? Do his sperms have good, healthy DNA structures? Etc., etc. And, I guess it's probably good for us to do these tests to rule things out. But, they are SPENDY. I'm hoping that they're somewhat covered by our insurance. We aren't going to do them until after I take my test on Wednesday though.

Man, conceiving can be COMPLICATED! There are so many things that can be wrong- it's crazy!

Oh, also, I don't know if I should take this as an omen or not, but today I got an email with this title:

"June Sale at Early-Pregnancy-Tests.com‏"

HA.

That's ok, early-pregnancy-tests.com. But thanks for the offer.

In the body of the email they also asked me if I wanted to look at the gallery of positive pregnancy test photos.

Um, no.

That's like asking an alcoholic, "Hey, wanna look at this gallery of ice cold refreshing beer photos?"

Ok, it's not EXACTLY the same, but c'mon! Jeez.

Anyway- just continuing to wait, and wait. 7 days? Suddenly the rest of this so far 75 day cycle doesn't seem so long....

~M

DOA

Ok, so, the doctor's appointment went really well! He did a sonogram of my insides and saw that I had a healthy, mature follicle on my right ovary! WOOT! So, they gave me a shot to trigger the ovulation, and I should ovulate in the next two days. YES! So, that is very, very exciting to me. I'll be taking progesterone starting on the 16th to support the pregnancy (if one is achieved) and then going in for a blood pregnancy test the following week. I suspect that will be a very long week and a half!

So, why the title "DOA" you ask? (oh, you forgot that was the title, and you don't really care? Well, too bad! You're going to hear it!) Anyway, it appears as though, having PCOS and poor sperm morphology wasn't QUITE enough cards stacked against us. It seems as though, my cervical mucus is acidic and is killing all of the sperms as soon as they arrive! Um, WHAT? Yep. The doc even showed them to me on a slide. A whole bunch of spermies and they were all dead. Sigh. The good news? It's a fairly easy fix! I just have to…umm.. (I hate this word) douche with baking soda and water and it makes it all alkaline and friendly for the guys! So, that's good news- I hope it works!

Anyway, I'm very hopeful about all of this. I am definitely going to ovulate in the next few days, and that's nice to know- no more guessing! And, there's a plan. It feels good when there's a plan.

So, keep your fingers crossed for me! And have a lovely weekend!

~M

yay!

Alright. So, remember when I said I was getting blood work done to see if I was ready to ovulate? Well, I got it done this morning, and the doctor's office called and just said it looks like I will ovulate soon! They can't tell when exactly, but tonight Ian and I get to knock boots and then I'm going in for my post coital exam, AND a sonogram to look at my ovaries to see how close we are.

So! All sorts of answers could be coming. Which is quite exciting to me after 70 days of this damn cycle so far.

So, cross your fingers y'all! Ovulation is just around the corner it seems!

My friend Kristin says that I should have an ovulation party every time it happens since it's so infrequent. I just may. :)

~M

P.S. The nurse who called me said that we should have "relations" tonight. It almost made me giggle.

me in the mirror

So, I wasn't quite sure what to write about today. First off, if you're curious, I didn't get picked for jury duty. This is a good thing; because the trial was supposed to be 3 weeks long! Though I am a little disappointed that I don't get to be involved in an actual court proceeding. Oh well- it was still an interesting experience.

These last several days have been full of many ups and downs. Some people have said that Ian's sperm morphology thing isn't something to be too concerned about, while others have dealt with the same thing and have still been unable to conceive because of it. So, it's hard to know how to feel about it all. We just do are best to remain optimistic, and keep looking forward. Ian has an appointment with a Dr. we were referred to by Super D; he's a urologist specializing in male fertility. That appt. isn't until June 15th though; earliest we could get in. In the meantime, Ian has (once again) sworn off coffee (we were doing really well with that no coffee thing until we went to New Orleans) and alcohol. I occasionally have coffee, but not often. And both of us really just didn't drink much to begin with. So, I'll most likely join him in the no alcohol.

So, I still haven't ovulated. Day 46, nothin'. It is officially the longest cycle I've had since we officially started trying. At this point (as always seems to happen) I just find myself wishing for ovulation, instead of pregnancy. (Though, I'd like both please.) This waiting just seems so endless.

As for me, I'm just unhappy with me. I am dissecting everything I do or have done. I haven't been perfect on my eating lately; I've definitely had some wheat and a tiny bit of sugar. Then I start to blame myself for not ovulating. This does not feel good. And my weight is really bothering me. A lot. I mean, it usually does. But right now, I really feel it. It's a literal and figurative weight I'm carrying. I wish I could say that I'm someone that is unhappy with the way things are and just attacks it with gusto! And there have been situations in my life where I DID do that. But for some reason, I feel quite paralyzed; most likely from being overwhelmed. And then I hear people saying "oh, well, so and so tried for 7 years so don't worry- it will happen!" Well, first of all, telling someone they could potentially have 6 more years of this isn't really all that comforting, but second of all, I don't think I have the strength for 6 more years. Don't get me wrong, I'm not giving up. I want this baby more than anything I've ever wanted. But- thinking that it could take that long... that just makes me want to hide under the covers. And realizing that I'm not as strong as I thought I was... well, that makes me want to dig in to the covers even deeper.

The silver lining? I'm feeling all sad and low, so maybe this means I'm about to ovulate? GOD, I hope so.

~M

P.S. sorry for the gloomy gus post. But, it's how I'm a feelin'. So, deal with it. :)