here I am!

Oh. So, I haven't written for a week. I think this might be my longest hiatus from blogging ever. Sorry, bout that guys! I really just haven't had a lot to report… combined with the fact that some of the stuff I COULD report…I didn't really want to. So, there ya have it. My excuse. :) Onward!

This week was a weird one. Not super crazy wacky weird, but I felt weird about a lot of things. I blame the clomid. Messing with your hormones does crazy things. So, on Sunday I started my clomid for this cycle and took it for 5 days- finished up yesterday. So, hopefully, my ovaries are doing their thang, and getting all ready to pop out some awesome eggs. Dr. D upped the dosage of clomid this month, so, we'll see what that does. I really really hope that all systems are a go, and that things are happening the way they should. I go in on Monday to get an ultrasound to check out my follicles, to see when we can do the IUI. (And for my non-fertility following friends out there, IUI stand for Intra Uterine Insemination- you can read about it here, if you so choose). See? See how I keep you so informed and knowlegeable? You're welcome. I've given you the PERFECT cocktail party convo topic. Really- just bring it up to a random stranger. They'll be all impressed with your phat fertility knowledge.

Speaking of the IUI, Ian and I had some talks about that this week. He said he sometimes feels (and I completely agree and understand) that doing an IUI is "cheating". I mean, we were able to get pregnant before "the old fashioned way" , so why shouldn't we try that again? Well, the reason we are fairly sure we're going to do an IUI this time, is because of the trauma Ian's poor sperms have been through lately. See, he has had pain issues in his nether-regions for about a year now (that's right- a YEAR. We truly are the household of broken junk. Poor guy!). Well, when we got pregnant, Ian started being more aggressive (as per his Physical Therapist's instructions) with trying to fix things, since we no longer had to worry about his sperm quality for a while. One of the things he did was take hot baths every night for a couple of weeks. Well, if any of you are familiar with the "things-dudes-have-to-stop-doing-whilst-trying-to-knock-up-their-women"; taking hot baths or being in hot tubs is a no-no. Also, he had gone back to having the occasional drink, because well, I was already pregnant. Oh, but then I miscarried. SOOO…. the baths, the alcohol… well, they very well could have affected his soldiers. We don't know for SURE, but it could have. ANYhoo- this is why we are strongly considering the IUI this time. Because before they do the IUI, they take his sperms and they separate the good ones out by spinning them in a centrifuge thing, so only the top notch ones are deployed during the IUI. No slow-moes getting in the way. So, if there did happen to be any damage done with the baths and the martinis, we can hopefully still have millions of guys that were NOT affected. Especially since as soon as I miscarried, he stopped with the baths. However, even with all of this, our odds will be only SLIGHTLY increased; but not a ton. Just very slightly.

So, there's the other risk for me; getting my hopes up that since we're doing this all "fancy schmancy scientific like"; that we'll for SURE get pregnant! Because nope; the chance still hovers around 15-25%.

Anyway, are we cheating doing it this way? Maybe. It's not ideally how I'd like for it to happen. But, I also don't want it to take another year and a half. I want a baby. No, I'm still not willing to do IVF- and we don't need to- but I think I can handle this. Sometimes though, it feels a little like I imagine women who had to give birth via c-section might feel. Like, yes, you had your baby, but you didn't birth them in the traditional sense. I know that from what I've read on other blogs, that this can sometimes be really hard for women, because they feel like they didn't get the experience of actually delivering the baby naturally. They didn't "pay their dues". Of course, we all realize that no matter HOW you bring a baby into this world; natural birth, epidural, c-section, adoption; you are a rock star mom. So, I need to keep telling myself that if I do an IUI, it doesn't make me any less of a woman or Ian any less of a man. If it brings us a beautiful baby to love; then that's all that matters.

I'll keep you in the loop with Monday's results as to how my follicles are doing. Cross your fingers. :)

Have a lovely weekend, all.

~M

tomorrow? oh..um, ok...

So, today I finally got up the nerve to call Dr. David's office and make my appointment for "what happens next". I'll admit- I was putting it off. They weren't calling me, so, I knew it was up to me... I just was not wanting to call.

But, I called today thinking they'd say, "Sure, come in on Friday, or next week or something."

Instead she said, "Do you want to come in tomorrow at 9:15am?"

"oh, um, ok... I, sure, yeah, that'd be, uh, ok. yeah. yep."

I am still not ready to try yet, but I want to talk to him about it all and see what he thinks and get his opinion on how long we should wait to try. Also, Ian is still struggling with his pain, and we need to wait for this to get better until we start trying again. Poor guy; I really hope he feels better soon- he's been dealing with this for over a year now.

So, we'll see what he says. I have this weird, nauseated, pit-in-my-stomach feeling about going back to him. He's great; and has been nothing but fabulous the whole time, but since I'm not really ready to start trying yet; it just all feels weird. Completely different from the first consultation I had with him. Gone is the blind hope; replaced with fear of everything failing again. I'm sure the hope will come back someday, but it won't ever be the same. It will always be tainted with fear.

But, I think it's a good first step and it will be helpful to see what he says.

~M

a few more hurdles

So, yesterday our doctor's office called with the results of some of our tests. To re-cap, these are the tests we had done:

Me:

-Cervical culture for bacteria
-Blood test for testosterone levels
-Blood test for glucose and insulin

Ian:

-Third semen analysis, this time with a lab that is supposedly much better at looking at morphology (shape) of the sperm
-culture of semen for bacteria
-PSA test (this is usually done in older men to test for prostate cancer. As I may have mentioned before, though I don't think I have, Ian has had some issues with his prostate and so the doc just wanted to do this test. He doesn't think he has cancer, but he said he was looking for other things with the test. Not sure what.)

(Also, Ian and I talked about it, and he's totally ok with me posting all of this. So, I'm not some meanie wife who is spilling secrets that my husband doesn't want to share- just FYI.)

So, the results:

1. I have ureaplasma again. It's a bacteria. I had it a while back. I don't remember if I mentioned this. Apparently it can come back. Anyway, it can cause difficulty in getting pregnant and also miscarriage. So, both Ian and I are on antibiotics for that. Nasty antibiotics that you have to take on an empty stomach. I took my first one this morning and had to get off the train at 116th because I almost threw up. Didn't help that the girl next to me was eating an egg sandwich. Anyway, so, hopefully this antibiotic clears it up for good. I have no idea how you get it, but I hope it doesn't come back.

2. My testosterone levels are like 3 numbers over the top of the range, so he said this wasn't anything to be worried about. For some reason this makes me insecure, like I'm extra manly or something, but elevated testosterone is normal for PCOS, so I guess it's good that it's not super high.

3. I am NOT insulin resistant! So, that's a good thing. My PCOS is being caused by something else, but not insulin resistance. So, that means I was taking that metformin for like um, 7-8 months? For no reason. UGH. If you're reading this and you have PCOS, make sure they test to see if you're actually insulin resistant. A lot of women with PCOS are, but not all are.

4. His PSA test is not back yet. Neither is the culture for bacteria, though since we're taking this antibiotic, I'm sure if he also has ureaplasma, we'll get rid of it with this round.

5. And finally, his semen analysis. This is the one we were worried about the least. Super D wanted to check it again, because he said the labs we had gone to before didn't really know what they were looking for in regards to morphology. He's had two prior semen analyses that turned out perfectly. However, when they called us yesterday, they said his morphology was off. The range they gave us for normal was 8-14% and Ian's was showing at 3%. This is sad news. If the sperm morphology is off, then they have a hard time fertilizing the egg, because they either have an odd shaped head or tail.

There's no definitive way to tell what causes it. A lot of the online research we did last night said to stop smoking (he doesn't) drinking heavily (he doesn't) doing drugs (nope) riding bikes (nope again) going into hot tubs (no) and eating junk food (very rarely). So, there's not a lot we can change lifestyle wise. We both are going to start exercising more, and we're going to try yoga. He may try acupuncture, or maybe not, but that's an option too.

As I mentioned before, Ian has been dealing with pelvic issues since December. It started out presenting as prostatitis, but then moved to his "boys". He's always just a little sore down there and has gotten used to it for the most part, but it's caused a lot of stress for him. He's gone to many doctors and had many tests, but no one seems to know what it is, except for just calling it "Chronic Pelvic Pain". Anyway, this could have something to do with the morphology too. Again, just no way to know what's really causing it yet. We'll probably have to see a Dr. before we really know. Lots of sites say that there's not much to be done, and then some give you more hope.

The thing that made me the most sad was every time I googled PCOS and poor sperm morphology, it always took me to a blog or a message board talking about how they had to do IVF because of all their challenges. This was like the last thing I ever wanted to consider. I'm really trying not to get ahead of myself. Because I also read today that it takes up to 3 semen analyses to really see what's going on. So, maybe that one was a fluke.

Anyway, we'll figure it out. It's discouraging news, because the last thing we needed was more problems in that area. As we like to joke, "We have broken junk." We totally do. But, we'll figure it out. Just another hurdle we'll have to figure a way around.

Good thing I have the best partner in the world to navigate hurdles with.

~M