this, that and the other

Well, I've been putting off writing in the old blog, because well, I'm having a hard time. About what, you might ask? Oh, just all of it. I'm just plain tired.

First of all, I've been feeling weird about blogging lately. Because I can feel myself not being entirely open sometimes- just because some of this is hard to share. And really tiring to re-cap. And I know I don't HAVE to tell the blogosphere everything, or tell the whole truth, but it feels all false if I don't. I know I'm under no obligation, but it feels like since I started this, I need to keep going. Sometimes it feels a bit like being naked in front of people. I know that sounds dramatic, but, it does. Sometimes I think, "I don't want to do this anymore. I'm going to stop. It's too hard." but, even if no one reads it; I do want to have it for posterity, and to look back on. Interestingly enough, I often feel the way about all this babymakin'- "I don't want to do this anymore. I'm going to stop. It's too hard." Do I really want to stop? No. Still, it's hard. Anyway. That's just a few things that have been going on in my head.

So, on to the Dr. appt. It was kind of uneventful, but also there's a sort of plan in place. First off, I still have not yet ovulated. It is now day 62. That means most women would have had two full cycles at this point, and I haven't even ovulated yet. GAH. Anyway, so, I got a cervical culture to see if the ureaplasma has gone bye-bye; which I'm really hoping it has. Ian is being tested too. So, I hope it went away, because I suuuure hate antibiotics. The tests should be back in a few days, so cross your fingers.

First of all, I'll have you know that I went in with a list of questions to ask him. I was going to be so good at asking questions. A question asking machine. Little did I know that he was going to be doing my cervical culture (last time a nurse did it) so most of my talking time with him was sans pants. That didn’t sound right. Ok, I was sans pants, he did have pants on. Now, I don't know about you, but when my lady bits are all out in the open and my feet are in stirrups, sometimes it's hard to remember what you were going to say. And I HATE how fast Dr. appts are sometimes. Sometimes I need a few moments to process things, and if things move too quickly, I get flustered. And say things like "great! sounds good!" when really I want to say, "um, what? repeat that please?" Anyway, next time I go in, I'm bringing a notepad with my questions written down. (Thanks to my lovely acupuncturist for that suggestion.)

He prescribed me two drugs to push my ovulation. Clomid and Dexamethasone. Now, as you'll recall, I've taken Clomid before, and it did nothing for me. However, the research I've done with Dr. Google tells me that often times when patients (especially PCOS patients) don't respond to Clomid alone, it is paired with Dexamethasone (a steroid) and it yields better results. I'm not sure why; there are many possible reasons listed that I won't bore you with. So, I take them for 6 days, then go get a blood test four days after finishing, to see if I'm close to ovulation. If the blood test comes back and says that I am close, then next step is a post coital test. Which is exactly what it sounds like. If the numbers look good on the blood test (my estradiol and progesterone) then we "do the deed" and go in to the office the next morning. Then he checks a drop of cervical fluid (hey, am I totally grossing you out yet?) to see how many swimmers are in it. If there are an acceptable amount, and enough of them have good morphology, then he will tell us that we don't need an IUI and perhaps with the help of an ovulation pushing drug, we can just conceive naturally. If there are NOT enough, or not enough of them have good morphology, then my guess is he'll suggest we do an IUI. So, that's the plan for now. Does it feel good to have a plan? Sort of. My worry is that it won't go the way it's supposed to. Like, what if I don't ovulate after I take this medication? I know, I know. I need to quit thinking like that. It's hard not to though. When your cycles are so long, it starts to feel like they won't ever end. But, this is the plan as of today.

Ian is still dealing with quite a bit of pain, and that is really hard. I feel so bad for him. I know that he keeps saying baby makin' is his number one priority, but to me, my number one priority is for him to feel better. My acupuncturist knows of a physical therapist that deals with his kind of pain, and has helped a lot of people, so Ian is making an appointment with her. I'm really hoping it helps. I just feel so bad for him. :( He turned his desk at work into a standing desk, because it was too hard to sit all day! :( Poor guy.

So, that's what's up. Not very glamorous, not very exciting. It's hard. Stressful. Frustrating. But, I have an amazing partner, and wonderful friends and family, so, this helps immensely.

Day by day. I just need to focus on each individual day. Not easy, but I think necessary.

~M

*BTW, wouldn't it be fun if all pills looked like the picture above? I think we should work on that.

photo found here