all in the details

Yesterday was kind of a regular day. Yes, it was voting day, and yes, it was the day that I was going to find out if I was pregnant or not, but it honestly didn't feel like that special of a day once I woke up. I had to get up extra early, because my blood draw was at 8:15am on the east side in midtown, and I had to vote beforehand. So, I guess yesterday started out as a sleepy day mostly. Then a kind of dorkily excited day, because I really like voting. Even if my party doesn't win, I still feel so patriotic, filling out my little ballot.

Then I had to go get blood drawn. I was 15 minutes early, and grabbed the latest People magazine in the waiting room to catch up on Courtney Cox and David Arquette, and the Chilean miners. I still wasn't thinking much about WHY I was getting blood drawn. In the last 4-5 months, I've had so much blood drawn, it just didn't feel that different. I also think I've been trying to protect myself a bit while waiting for the results of this blood test. I WANTED to be pregnant, but the odds are always against you, so, I figured best to assume you won't be pregnant; then the disappointment won't be as bad. That's what I tried to tell myself anyway.

After the blood draw, I headed to work, and just went about my day. I wasn't expecting any sort of call until 3pm (because that's when the last two calls came). I worked away, trying to distract myself. Trying to think about what it would feel like to start all over again; again. Really trying to gear myself up for the good possibility that I was not pregnant.

At 12:20pm yesterday, my office phone rang. I thought nothing of it, because they don't usually call my work phone. I answered with my customary "This is Mariah" greeting, and was greeted back by, "Hello Mariah- It's Kathy from Dr. David's office." WAIT! Wait. I had planned on seeing that it was them on the caller ID before I picked up, because then I could gear myself up and also, listen to the nurse's voice. You see, the first call I got, when I wasn't pregnant, the nurse sounded all sympathetic when she said "This is so and so from Dr. David's office". And then the second time (when I WAS pregnant) she sounded all chipper and happy! So, I was planning on listening for that tell-tale clue, but I wasn't prepared! They called 3 hours early, and they called a different phone. Annnnywayyyy.. (is it getting annoying that I'm drawing this out with such stupid mundane details?), then she said… "Congratulations! You're pregnant!"

So, yep! We've done it again. It was weird getting the news this time. I was happy, but I felt COMPLETELY different this time. I felt excited, but at the same time scared- thinking about my miscarriage; wondering if it would happen again. Worrying about getting my hopes all up only to miscarry again. But as the day wore on, I started to feel even happier and more excited, because- hey! Maybe it will work this time! Maybe we'll be parents come July 2011. Maybe the best will happen, instead of the worst. This is what I hope for. :)

So, there's my news! Knocked up once again! Quite pleased about it, and looking forward to everything ahead. In the meantime, I've got lots of things I'm not allowed to do; exercise, carry heavy things, no air travel- which sadly means no coming home for the holidays :( I go in tomorrow to get more tests done on my blood, so I'll let you know how that goes.
In the meantime; I'm just happy as a clam, and feel so excited to start this journey again. :)

Thanks to everyone for all the amazing support. :) I'm so lucky to have all of you!

~M

here I am!

Oh. So, I haven't written for a week. I think this might be my longest hiatus from blogging ever. Sorry, bout that guys! I really just haven't had a lot to report… combined with the fact that some of the stuff I COULD report…I didn't really want to. So, there ya have it. My excuse. :) Onward!

This week was a weird one. Not super crazy wacky weird, but I felt weird about a lot of things. I blame the clomid. Messing with your hormones does crazy things. So, on Sunday I started my clomid for this cycle and took it for 5 days- finished up yesterday. So, hopefully, my ovaries are doing their thang, and getting all ready to pop out some awesome eggs. Dr. D upped the dosage of clomid this month, so, we'll see what that does. I really really hope that all systems are a go, and that things are happening the way they should. I go in on Monday to get an ultrasound to check out my follicles, to see when we can do the IUI. (And for my non-fertility following friends out there, IUI stand for Intra Uterine Insemination- you can read about it here, if you so choose). See? See how I keep you so informed and knowlegeable? You're welcome. I've given you the PERFECT cocktail party convo topic. Really- just bring it up to a random stranger. They'll be all impressed with your phat fertility knowledge.

Speaking of the IUI, Ian and I had some talks about that this week. He said he sometimes feels (and I completely agree and understand) that doing an IUI is "cheating". I mean, we were able to get pregnant before "the old fashioned way" , so why shouldn't we try that again? Well, the reason we are fairly sure we're going to do an IUI this time, is because of the trauma Ian's poor sperms have been through lately. See, he has had pain issues in his nether-regions for about a year now (that's right- a YEAR. We truly are the household of broken junk. Poor guy!). Well, when we got pregnant, Ian started being more aggressive (as per his Physical Therapist's instructions) with trying to fix things, since we no longer had to worry about his sperm quality for a while. One of the things he did was take hot baths every night for a couple of weeks. Well, if any of you are familiar with the "things-dudes-have-to-stop-doing-whilst-trying-to-knock-up-their-women"; taking hot baths or being in hot tubs is a no-no. Also, he had gone back to having the occasional drink, because well, I was already pregnant. Oh, but then I miscarried. SOOO…. the baths, the alcohol… well, they very well could have affected his soldiers. We don't know for SURE, but it could have. ANYhoo- this is why we are strongly considering the IUI this time. Because before they do the IUI, they take his sperms and they separate the good ones out by spinning them in a centrifuge thing, so only the top notch ones are deployed during the IUI. No slow-moes getting in the way. So, if there did happen to be any damage done with the baths and the martinis, we can hopefully still have millions of guys that were NOT affected. Especially since as soon as I miscarried, he stopped with the baths. However, even with all of this, our odds will be only SLIGHTLY increased; but not a ton. Just very slightly.

So, there's the other risk for me; getting my hopes up that since we're doing this all "fancy schmancy scientific like"; that we'll for SURE get pregnant! Because nope; the chance still hovers around 15-25%.

Anyway, are we cheating doing it this way? Maybe. It's not ideally how I'd like for it to happen. But, I also don't want it to take another year and a half. I want a baby. No, I'm still not willing to do IVF- and we don't need to- but I think I can handle this. Sometimes though, it feels a little like I imagine women who had to give birth via c-section might feel. Like, yes, you had your baby, but you didn't birth them in the traditional sense. I know that from what I've read on other blogs, that this can sometimes be really hard for women, because they feel like they didn't get the experience of actually delivering the baby naturally. They didn't "pay their dues". Of course, we all realize that no matter HOW you bring a baby into this world; natural birth, epidural, c-section, adoption; you are a rock star mom. So, I need to keep telling myself that if I do an IUI, it doesn't make me any less of a woman or Ian any less of a man. If it brings us a beautiful baby to love; then that's all that matters.

I'll keep you in the loop with Monday's results as to how my follicles are doing. Cross your fingers. :)

Have a lovely weekend, all.

~M

four weeks

I looked at the calendar today, and realized it's been exactly one month today since I lost my first pregnancy. In a way, it seems like it happened just yesterday; and conversely it also seems like it was eons ago.

I definitely feel that Ian and I have healed quite a bit since then. We still have moments. Moments where the loss of so many things (the pregnancy, the FIRST pregnancy, some of our hope, plans….etc.) washes over us and feels a bit all-consuming. And sometimes those moments turn into hours and days. Recently, I've had some really hard days…but, for the most part, we are healing.

After my doctor appointment last week, I was overwhelmed. I waited in the uber fancy waiting room and all the nurses knew me. They gave me sad smiles and said I looked well. Offered me sparkling water. In his office, I sat down and he asked me about my miscarriage (oh- how I HATE typing or saying that word) and got some details, and then turned the page in my chart to reveal a blank, brand new white page.

"Ok. Should we start again?"

Well, to me, I thought he meant "Should we start talking about next steps and see where things go…?". Naive? yes. But I think that I just didn't feel quite ready to just start over again, and both Ian and I had talked about how we just weren't ready.

But, when Dr. David said, "Ok. Should we start again?" he meant START AGAIN. As in; let's get a bun in that oven STAT.

whoa there.

See, most recently, (as you may recall) we had been thinking that maybe we'd wait a few months before trying again. Everything I read said you should wait 1-2 cycles before trying again. Now, I think maybe that was mostly for emotional healing, but some articles also mentioned getting your body synced back into a rhythm again. Well, since my body has never HAD a rhythm before (oh, hello 85 day cycle!) I wasn't totally sure how that would work.

Anyway, we talked, and talked. He said "no, we don’t need to wait several cycles." But, since I haven't had a period since June, he gave me progesterone to take for 10 days, and then 10-15 days later, I should get my period. So, basically we'd technically be waiting one cycle.

I told him about Ian's pain issues, and we discussed how that would affect things. He mentioned that maybe an IUI would be the best way to go the first time around, assisted of course with my old pals- Clomid and Dexamethasone.

ANYway…. my head was swirling for the rest of that day. I went home and spewed it all out at Ian, and completely overwhelmed him. You see, by the end of that appointment, I was like "Hells YES! Let's make another baby, dammit! What are we waiting for??" Oh, sure, I was also thinking, "Holy crap. This is a lot. We have to start ALL over again. yikes." but then I'd be right back to, "Let's DO this, y'all! I want us to be parents!!" Anyway. Poor Ian; I just dumped it all over him.

A few days went by, and we had some time apart (I was the most social butterfly I've been in a long time- went out THREE nights in a row…) and then on the third night when we went out together, he declared; "I want to have a baby. Let's do this." So, we had a beer (WHAT? we haven't started YET….) and talked it all through. We both decided that life is short; we want a baby, we got the go ahead from our excellent doctor- what are we waiting for?

I started my progesterone and now we just wait. We also decided that we do want to do an IUI this first time, as we found out today that we can afford at least one, maybe 2, and it might take some of the pressure off the first time back in the game. The IUI will likely be in late October.

Until then, I'm continuing on my path to get as healthy as possible (down 5.2 pounds. woot!) and try and just think positively. I know some days that will be easier said than done… but four weeks ago, I didn't think I'd ever feel hopeful about this again.

So, that's it. Time to start daily temperature taking, acupuncture, herbs, charts, pills, doctor visits...

Time to start over.

Ready? On your mark, get set….holy crap….

~M

*photo found here

tomorrow? oh..um, ok...

So, today I finally got up the nerve to call Dr. David's office and make my appointment for "what happens next". I'll admit- I was putting it off. They weren't calling me, so, I knew it was up to me... I just was not wanting to call.

But, I called today thinking they'd say, "Sure, come in on Friday, or next week or something."

Instead she said, "Do you want to come in tomorrow at 9:15am?"

"oh, um, ok... I, sure, yeah, that'd be, uh, ok. yeah. yep."

I am still not ready to try yet, but I want to talk to him about it all and see what he thinks and get his opinion on how long we should wait to try. Also, Ian is still struggling with his pain, and we need to wait for this to get better until we start trying again. Poor guy; I really hope he feels better soon- he's been dealing with this for over a year now.

So, we'll see what he says. I have this weird, nauseated, pit-in-my-stomach feeling about going back to him. He's great; and has been nothing but fabulous the whole time, but since I'm not really ready to start trying yet; it just all feels weird. Completely different from the first consultation I had with him. Gone is the blind hope; replaced with fear of everything failing again. I'm sure the hope will come back someday, but it won't ever be the same. It will always be tainted with fear.

But, I think it's a good first step and it will be helpful to see what he says.

~M

tests, recaps, etc.

So, I'm tired. And I just don't have it in me to come up with a witty title. Thus, the lame title.

So as you know, I went in to the doctor on Friday to see where my little follicle was. I found out that I had a follicle on my left ovary that was 14mm. A mature follicle is 17mm.... so, it was almost there! Super D told me that I'd most likely ovulate by Monday, and if I hadn't by Tuesday, to come in. He also told me to take OPK tests on Saturday, Sunday, Monday to see if I was going to ovulate. I told him that they never work for me, but he told me to just give it a try in case.

Saturday- negative
Sunday- negative
Monday- negative

Was I surprised? No, not really. I was just convinced that my body doesn't register on those tests (they say specifically if you're on fertility meds or have PCOS that the tests may not work. Since both apply to me, it's not surprising that they don't work).

So, I went in today as he requested. I thought I'd go in, the follicle would be mature, he'd give me that magic shot he gave me last time, and blammo! Ovulation!

Yeah, no.

He did the ultrasound. Looked around all up in my bizness. Guess what? The follicle is now GONE. Now, there is one logical explanation for this- I ovulated! Except. Except my temp did not go up. It always goes up when I ovulate. It goes up when most people ovulate! The other explanation- the follicle went away. Is this possible? Can't be, right? Sadly, yes. So... I thought this was going to be a normal cycle. But, it very well may not be. I'm going in tomorrow to get some blood drawn to test my estrogen and progesterone to see if I've ovulated. If so, coolio, if not, I have to do a SECOND round of clomid/dexamethasone. That's right; 2 rounds of fertility drugs in one cycle. Because it seems as if my body rides the short bus, and doesn't know what to do when it gets fertility drugs.

On the Ian front, he got all of his tests back. Basically, some of it confirmed what we knew already; Good sperm count, 15% normal morphology (which, on some websites it says is on the low end normal and other sites say it's just low), and a new piece of info, his motility (how fast/well the guys move) is now a little slow (it was normal before). Good news is, he seems to have a good DNA structure to his boys. He's getting one more test this week to confirm that, but at least that's good. His doctor now recommends we do an IUI. I spoke to my doctor about it today and he said he'd look everything over. First of all, if I didn't ovulate, we have to get that ready to happen before we consider an IUI. So, that's the first step.

I feel like I could write more and more about this, but as I mentioned, I'm just tired and just wanted to update the basics.

We are both getting increasingly frustrated and discouraged, but I'm fighting to remain hopeful. I want this to work. We want this to work. We are more than ready to add to our little family of two.

I'll let y'all know what the blood tests say tomorrow.

~M

DOA

Ok, so, the doctor's appointment went really well! He did a sonogram of my insides and saw that I had a healthy, mature follicle on my right ovary! WOOT! So, they gave me a shot to trigger the ovulation, and I should ovulate in the next two days. YES! So, that is very, very exciting to me. I'll be taking progesterone starting on the 16th to support the pregnancy (if one is achieved) and then going in for a blood pregnancy test the following week. I suspect that will be a very long week and a half!

So, why the title "DOA" you ask? (oh, you forgot that was the title, and you don't really care? Well, too bad! You're going to hear it!) Anyway, it appears as though, having PCOS and poor sperm morphology wasn't QUITE enough cards stacked against us. It seems as though, my cervical mucus is acidic and is killing all of the sperms as soon as they arrive! Um, WHAT? Yep. The doc even showed them to me on a slide. A whole bunch of spermies and they were all dead. Sigh. The good news? It's a fairly easy fix! I just have to…umm.. (I hate this word) douche with baking soda and water and it makes it all alkaline and friendly for the guys! So, that's good news- I hope it works!

Anyway, I'm very hopeful about all of this. I am definitely going to ovulate in the next few days, and that's nice to know- no more guessing! And, there's a plan. It feels good when there's a plan.

So, keep your fingers crossed for me! And have a lovely weekend!

~M

yay!

Alright. So, remember when I said I was getting blood work done to see if I was ready to ovulate? Well, I got it done this morning, and the doctor's office called and just said it looks like I will ovulate soon! They can't tell when exactly, but tonight Ian and I get to knock boots and then I'm going in for my post coital exam, AND a sonogram to look at my ovaries to see how close we are.

So! All sorts of answers could be coming. Which is quite exciting to me after 70 days of this damn cycle so far.

So, cross your fingers y'all! Ovulation is just around the corner it seems!

My friend Kristin says that I should have an ovulation party every time it happens since it's so infrequent. I just may. :)

~M

P.S. The nurse who called me said that we should have "relations" tonight. It almost made me giggle.

fasting and bruising

So, this morning I had to fast until I went in to the lab at 11:30 to get blood drawn. Now, there have been plenty of days I didn't eat breakfast or didn't eat until like 10:00 or 10:30 if I got caught up at work and just didn't have time. But for some reason waiting until 11:30 today was really hard. Probably psyched myself out a bit. I was SO hungry! Anyway, they are testing my glucose, insulin and blood type. So, we'll see! I ate as soon as I got back and now I'm TIRED. Yawnnnn......

Also, I got blood taken at my last appt. (on Wednesday with Super D) and the nurse like mangled my arm (click to enlarge):

Ow! It totally hurts still. What's that? You can't really see the bruise because you're totally blinded by my pasty white not-toned arms? Hmph. Well, it's there, trust me.

Anyway, today the other arm was used and so far it looks like she did better- no bruise yet. But you can see the needle hole:

What's that? You think I'm a big baby for posting pictures of my tiny injuries? Well, first of all, aren't we rude today, and second of all, ppbbbbbbbbbbttttttt!

ALSO- it's only Monday? How is this possible? Gah.

Also Also, I have jury duty this week! I'm kind of excited about it! I know, that's dorky, but something about it always seems kind of exciting. It's on Thursday and I'd guess Friday too, but I don't know yet.

I'll bring my laptop with me though, so DON'T YOU WORRY! I'll still be able to post. I know. For a second you were all like "WHAT??? But if she's in jury duty, how will we get access to updated photos of her pasty white arms?" But no fear. I'll still be around.

~M

P.S. In case you're keeping track- day 37- no ovulation. sigh.

a fresh outlook (aka- super doctor; the visit)

So, as you may have heard, I met with an new Dr. yesterday. Super Doctor, as I referred to him here. I asked him if we could call him that, or maybe if we could just call him Super D, but he wasn't down with that.*

Anyway, we got in there and he was down to business right away. Many, many questions (some REALLY personal)were asked. He had all of my paperwork that I had mailed in in April in front of him with tons of notes. You guys, he had little tabs on different pages and expertly and quickly flipped back and forth between pages. He also had some things memorized! Crazy. He had really looked this stuff over before our visit, so that was really nice to see.

So, what did he say, you ask? Well, first of all, thanks for asking! I'll tell you!

1. He said first and foremost, even though I don't ovulate regularly or as often as I should, I DO ovulate, and that is a really good thing. Not all women who have PCOS ovulate, so I'm happy that I do.

2. My thyroid is under active. I've known this, but my ObGyn said she didn't want to put me on thyroid, because she didn't think it was under active enough. He said that it was, and that most likely he will put me on a low dose of thyroid medication. He also said that this could make a big difference for me.

3. I might have been pregnant in January. Basically he said that my temperature chart did the initial spike, and then it went up again, which is often indicative of a pregnancy. I had some serious pregnancy symptoms that month, but I was also taking progesterone, so I thought that was what was causing the weird symptoms. But he said I may very well have been pregnant, and it just didn't "stick". Crazy. I'm not really sad about this, because if I WAS pregnant, I didn't know about it.

So, now we're moving forward with testing and waiting for results to see where we go from here. He took some blood to test my testosterone levels (because those had not been previously tested, and if I have an excess amount, that would really mess with things too) and I'll go in next week to get some blood drawn to test my fasting glucose. Basically, women with PCOS are often insulin resistant, but not always. My previous doc didn't test my glucose and just put me on metformin without checking if I WAS insulin resistant. So, he told me to stop taking it for now. If it turns out that I am, we may just have to do a higher dose. (Which kind of sucks, because metformin often makes me really nauseated.)

Ian is also getting his sperm tested again at a fancy pants lab that specializes in semen analysis. I'm sure they're still going to show up as the strongest-best-most-handsomest-sperm-on-the-planet, but better safe than sorry.

Anyway, we're just going to wait for those test results, and go from there. I will most likely be on clomid and either metformin or something else along with a thyroid medication for my next cycle.

It honestly at first was hard for me to leave the office and realize it was just more WAITING... but I know that's how this works. I am happy though, that I've got someone who really knows what he's doing.

That's it! I'll be updating as I get more news! I'm a little sad for more waiting but excited that we now have a new person looking at our situation, and I hope we start to see some results!

Now if I would only ovulate....

~ M




* I didn't do this. But it would have been funny. But, sadly, I didn't. I wanted to, but Ian said I couldn't. What a killjoy.

more good advice

Hey guys- the bump.com did it again. Sage advice for getting ready to conceive.

Number one on THIS list is:

1. Learn your womanly bits.

.....
........

Um, I think this is where I've gone wrong. I had no clue I had "bits" that I had to learn.

~M

p.s. Tomorrow is my super doctor visit! Woo hoo! :)

super doctor!

So, I think I've mentioned in previous posts that in May, I have an appointment with a totally awesome reproductive endocrinologist, Dr. Sami David.

I read his book, Making Babies, at the suggestion of my acupuncturist. He was the first doctor in New York to perform a successful IVF, and it was the last one he ever performed. He now has quickly turned against IVF as the standard method for combating infertility, and works on identifying and treating the underlying cause of infertility. He co-wrote the book with Jill Blakeway who is a board-certified herbalist and Chinese medicine practitioner. This is so awesome to me; that he is so open minded about the Eastern medicine side as well, since I've been doing acupuncture and herbs for almost a year now.

He's had all sorts of success with women who come in and have tried IVF's multiple times, with no pregnancy. He's helped hundreds of women conceive when they thought they couldn't.

Anyway, to say that I'm excited to meet him is an understatement. I feel like I'm probably putting too much hope into meeting him and working with him, but it really is exciting. I get to have an appointment with a doctor that wrote a really wonderful book! I faxed my entire history (medical records and cycle charts) over to him a few weeks ago, because he likes to look at all of that stuff in advance. Ian is going with me for the first appointment, and I'm excited about that, too. He's been so supportive and helpful, but it will be nice to have him there with me.

So, I'm hoping he really is my super doctor! We'll soon see. :)

~M

P.S. Also, he's totally been on TV.