worries and insecurities

So, it's hard to write a post about the bummer feelings you have; especially when you struggled with infertility for so long, and you finally have what you want! It makes you feel ungrateful. But alas, there's not much you can do about feeling your feelings; you just gotta feel 'em.

It's funny; whenever I tell people I'm having twins- they immediately go to how much of a challenge it will be when they're here. I agree; it will be. But, it's just not what is on my mind right now AT ALL. What is on my mind, is keeping the babies cooking until at least 36 weeks, and doing everything I'm supposed to be doing to make that happen.

I just finished reading a really good book called "Everything You Need to Know to Have a Healthy Twin Pregnancy". I was happy to find it, because most books I found on twins were about what to do when they arrive, which is helpful eventually, but right now, I need to know how to care for them while I've got them on board. It was a good book; lots of information- but, some scary things. I mean, nowadays, twin pregnancies are becoming more common; largely because of fertility treatment advances. So, people tend to think they aren't as big of a deal as they once were. It's true; there are more twins- but from all I've read, a twin pregnancy is still very different from a single pregnancy. A lot more complications can arise. It's far more taxing on your body. Anyway, I'm so not trying to be martyr-ish. Just learning a lot lately, and it's hard not to worry about some of it.

I worry about gestational diabetes, because it occurs at a higher rate with women carrying multiples, and then if you have extra weight (whee- that's me!) and also PCOS doesn't help. So, I'm kind of worried about it. Not really for me, but for my babies. I think I'm doing pretty good food wise, as I've only gained a pound and I'm almost 13 weeks along. Many women have already gained 15 (though, they are at a normal weight when they start, so, it's normal for them to have gained more than I have). Anyway, I feel like I must be doing that right, but you know; you still worry.

There's lots of other risk factors that I won't go in to here, but I'm just hoping I get to skip over most or all of them. I just want my babies to be healthy and it's a lot of pressure when you're the one that has to take care of them exclusively for 9 months!

As far as my insecurities go; well, it's not a new one for me. I know I'm showing a little, because I can see it and well, my pants tell me so. But, since I already had extra weight- it still just looks like I'm fat. And honestly? I think it's going to look that way for a while. I know that there's nothing to be done now, and I just need to accept that I didn't start out at a normal weight, and all I can do is my best. But honestly? Pregnancy is a lot like getting married. You're surrounded by all these cute images of pregnant ladies, and cute pregnant clothes, just like when you're getting married and you're surrounded by images of perfect weddings and model brides. Yes, I'm aware that it's silly to compare myself to a model, but sometimes I just really wish I would get to have the "cute pregnant lady" experience. And? I probably won't. Because since we're having two this time, I'm most likely done after this. And that's fine. I am of course not going to get pregnant again just for vanity's sake. I've always wanted two kids, and that's what we're going to have. I know it's silly, but well, I can't help it. Hormones are a bitch. I wish that mother nature would at LEAST clear up my skin so that I could have that. C'mon lady! Give me that one thing! Sigh. Probably not going to happen.

Anyway, those are my worries and insecurities currently happening in my pregnant brain. I'm sure they will continue to rattle around in there for a while, though I'm also sure they'll soon be replaced with others. :)

Above all, I AM excited to meet my babies, and that's the most important thing. :) (Though, it WOULD be awesome to be one of those pregnant girls who looks cute in skinny jeans. ah, well.)


~M

*photo found here

this and that

Well, this week it’s back to the grind! Had quite a bit of time off over the holidays, and now this week I have to do the unthinkable; work ALL FIVE DAYS. Blech. So not cool.

However, I AM excited for the new year. I usually am; just because it always feels like new beginnings, fresh starts- anything is possible. Of course this year has all of that, plus the added excitement of new life on its way, and once they’re here; nothing will ever be the same again! Exciting and a bit scary at the same time, but mostly exciting. :)

Ian and I are signing up for a prenatal class at Mount Sinai (where I will deliver) called “Preparing for Multiples”. I’m excited, because it’s 5 weeks long and meets every Tuesday from 6-9 pm. The class covers preparing for birth, comfort measures and pain management, breastfeeding, vaginal and c-section birth, and getting organized at home. So, we’ll learn a whole lot! We also will get a tour of the hospital and birthing area as well as the NICU should we need it. It will start February 22nd- can’t wait! I’m feeling very anxious to be DOING things to get ready. I mean, I know I’m growing babies, and that’s something :), but you know. I want to get all ready!

On another note; our babies are as big as peaches this week! Crazy! I am going in for a quick checkup with my OB today, so I should get to see them ever so briefly. She usually just does a quick ultrasound to measure their growth and heartbeat. That’s enough to tide me over for a while. :)


And finally, yesterday I “graduated” from acupuncture. I’ve been going for a year and a half, pretty much once a week! First to try and regulate my cycle and assist in possible implantation each time we tried and then the last 12 weeks, to keep those babies in there! I love Christiane, my acupuncturist, so I’ll miss her lots. I’m sure I’ll still bother her from time to time via email, as she is a wealth of knowledge. That’s my second graduation since I got pregnant! At 9 weeks I graduated from my fertility doc, and now acupuncture! And in just four days, I’ll be in my second trimester, so I’m considering that a graduation, too. So, basically I’ll have a doctorate in pregnancy by the time I’m done. Or something.

I think that’s all my miscellaneous things for now! Hope everyone’s New Year is starting out wonderfully!

~M

*photo found here

what's in a name

So, I won't lie and say that we're just now starting to think about baby names; we started long ago. Pretty much in June of 2009 when we started trying to get pregnant. However, now the search is being taken quite a bit more seriously. Lists being made, baby name websites being perused, names being said out loud and considered. It also has taken on a slightly new difficulty, in that we have to think of multiple combinations. Boy/Boy, girl/girl, and boy/girl. First names, middle names, names that can't be shortened to something ugly, names that sound good with Fraser, and names that hopefully, won't get the children beat up or teased mercilessly.

Obviously we have some time; it's not urgent at this point. But I think we're focusing on it because it's fun. It's fun to think of them as little people with full names, and imagining what their little lives will be like. Imagining that their name could help shape them, and help form their identities. It's very exciting however sometimes feels like a lot of pressure!

We plan on keeping our name choices secret until they're born. Partially so that we'll have something to announce on the day, but mostly to avoid people's opinions on the subject. No offense, I love you all; but we all have different taste, and I don't want to tell people the names we've chosen and then see the look of judgement cross their faces. So, it will be our little secret until June or July (whenever the baby Frasers decide to make their appearances).

For now, it's back to the baby name websites, and back to dreaming about the little tiny ones and their brand new names.

Happy New Year to all!

~M

1.1.11

So, remember all of my talk of 11:11 on the clock? Well, I'm probably just looking for omens or something, because it makes me feel better, but I think it's a good sign that today- on 1.1.11 (very similar to 11:11, wouldn't you say?) out two babies reached a major landmark point in their so far short little lives; 12 weeks. At 12 weeks, the risk for miscarriage significantly decreases. So, this is a big deal.

Also, I learned this on a website today about 12 weeks:

The biggest thing for your little one this week is the developing reflexes. Fingers will open and close, toes will curl, even facial expressions will change. Your baby can both scratch his nose and suck his thumb!

That's pretty crazy and cool that I have two babies inside my uterus right now, that could be sucking their tiny thumbs! Whoa.

So, happy 12 weeks little ones! And Happy New Year as well! I'm pretty darn excited for 2011; I think it's going to be a great year. :)

~M

holidays, heartbeats, movement and limbs!

So, first off; I apologize for the long hiatus. I could say “oh, yes, busy with holiday travel, shopping, caroling, wassailing, etc. and all of that” but, I’d be lying. See, since I’m all pregnant, my doctor said I should forego flying this holiday season, so we stayed home. And though we made a few treks out for movies and short little trips, we were generally quite lazy. It was lovely, actually. Lots of sleeping in, and relaxing and just cozying up on the couch. We had a blizzard here in NY the day after Christmas, so that made things even quieter. So, I have no good reason for not blogging this last 10 days or so. I just was feeling lazy and not wanting to do much of anything! :)

Anyway! So, on Monday we had what is called the Nuchal Translucency test. It apparently is a standard test in which they measure the back of the babies’ necks. Here’s how it’s defined:

This prenatal test (also called the NT or nuchal fold scan) can help your health care practitioner assess your baby's risk of having Down syndrome (DS) and some other chromosomal abnormalities as well as major congenital heart problems.

The NT test uses ultrasound to measure the clear (translucent) space in the tissue at the back of your developing baby's neck. Babies with abnormalities tend to accumulate more fluid at the back of their neck during the first trimester, causing this clear space to be larger than average.

So, that’s the deal with the test. They also took some blood and will combine the results for a “combined screening”. The doctor said that everything looked normal though, so that is good news. We’ll know a bit more when we get the blood results back, but so far all is normal! This was a huge relief.

Another great thing about this ultrasound was that we got to hear both babies’ heartbeats! They are both in the normal range (I believe both were around 165-170 bpm). It was super cool to hear their little hearts. Then we got really good looks at both of them, and we saw their arms and legs! And unlike at my last ultrasound, when they looked like little nubs, they look like regular arms and legs now! One of the babies even did a little dance move looking thing; it was really cool.

I go in next week for a regular check up with my OB. I think it will just be standard; blood pressure, weight, short ultrasound, just a general checking in. This week’s ultrasound was done at the hospital where I'll be delivering (Mount Sinai) since they have the super fancy machines there. I’ll have another ultrasound there in 5 weeks. It’s called the anatomy scan, and it’s POSSIBLE I could know the sexes of the babies then. Though, I’ve heard too many stories about how sometimes the babies won’t cooperate and show their stuff, so I’m not getting my hopes up. I hadn’t planned on knowing until about 20 weeks, so if I know earlier, that’d be great- but if not, no big deal. I honestly just want them to be healthy. I know people say that all the time, but it’s honestly all I care about. :)

I’d post pictures of the ultrasound, but the pictures aren’t that great. I’m sure I’ll get better ones at my next ultrasound. The images were pretty clear on the screen, but once she did a screen capture and printed them off; it wasn’t as clear. Probably would be less clear once I scanned them, or took a picture of them. So, you'll just have to trust me; it was really cool.

I think I’m starting to really believe that things are going to be ok this time. I think there will always be that element of fear that something will go wrong. But as the days go by, I feel more and more confident. I mean, I’m less than two weeks away from my the start of my 2nd trimester!! That’s very exciting.

I promise to be much better about updates from now on. Now that I’m no longer hiding a big secret, or celebrating holidays, I’ll update like crazy! : )

Hope you all had a healthy, safe, happy holiday!

~M

olive you.

When I clicked on my “what to expect when you’re expecting” app today on my iphone, I saw the following:

“The baby is as big as a green olive (1 in long)”

An olive! :) Very exciting. The furthest along we got last time was to a raspberry, so this is good news. I’m in my 8th week, and I just CAN NOT wait until January when my 2nd trimester starts. I know that I won’t be all the way out of the woods yet, but it will bring a bit more security.

For now, I’m enjoying that we’ve reached the olive stage!

~M

*photo found here

holidays and sonograms!

Hello everyone! I hope you had a lovely Thanksgiving holiday! I know I did. My sweet brother is visiting us from Seattle, and we've just been having a grand time. I made us a small turkey dinner on Thursday, a fun day of sleeping in, lounging, cooking, visiting, and the Macy's parade on TV. It wasn't fancy, but it was cozy and the food was good if I do say so myself. :)

OH! And of course, as I mentioned, I had my sonogram on Wednesday! Everything looks a-ok! Heartbeat is good, in the 120's which is good for 7 weeks. Today we are officially at 7 weeks, 3 days, which is the exact point in my pregnancy that I miscarried last time. So, when tomorrow comes, we'll be in new territory. However, it all looked good on the sonogram, and I have another one scheduled for Thursday. Yay!

My nausea seems to be slightly less frequent, which is good, but always worries me. I like my symptoms; they're a little reassurance that all is well. However, I'm pretty darn tired all the time, and have other symptoms, so I think all is well so far. :) Can't wait until Thursday so I can see more baby and baby heartbeat!

On an unrelated-to-baby-stuff note, we took my brother to the Metropolitan Museum of Art yesterday. It was my second visit and I quite enjoyed it. Saw lots of cool stuff, including some very famous and lovely paintings.

All in all, everything is great! I just hope it keeps on going so well. :)

Hope everyone had a grand Thanksgiving! I sure know what I'm thankful for!


~M

hello, nausea. i’ve been hoping you’d visit.

Well, folks, it seems the nausea has hit. Full force. Not every day, but several so far; a couple so bad that eating in general just sounded BAD. I quite understand “food aversions” now, as any type of meat sounds terrible, as do most sweet things. It seems to help if I’m really hydrated, though not always. And it also sometimes help when I eat something, but since I often times don’t feel like eating… well, you see the problem.

At first saltines helped, but now they just sound kind of gross. Mostly ginger ale and Sprite are the biggest helpers, but I feel bad drinking too much of that kind of stuff. I have not thrown up yet, though there are a few times when I wish I could have; maybe I would have felt better afterwards. I guess I’ll be careful what I wish for.

HOWEVER. Amidst all this “poor me, I’m nauseated! And did I mention tired? So tired!”- there is one major thing: I AM PREGNANT. And honestly- though being sick is never fun- it is COMPLETELY worth it. This has been a really long journey so far, and we're not out of the woods yet. So, every once in a while, as I sit here feeling green, I just remember the reason- and I smile. :)
I'm a lucky girl.

~M

waiting and worrying

For the next two weeks I have to go in twice a week and get blood drawn. I've already gone twice this week, so only two more weeks to go. They are checking to make sure my HCG (pregnancy hormone) and progesterone levels are rising appropriately. Last Thursday my HCG was 496 and then on Monday morning it was over 2000, so those numbers are rising appropriately. Apparently it's supposed to double every 36 hours or so. However, though my progesterone was normal on Thursday, it was low on Monday, so they increased my dosage of progesterone pills to 3 times per day instead of 2. I went in this morning to get my levels checked again, and I'll find out this afternoon.

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't worried. Low progesterone levels can mean something might possibly be going wrong. Both my PCOS and my Factor V can increase the risk of something going wrong (I really am trying not to use the "m" word), and I'm only in week 5. The risk goes down once I reach the 2nd trimester, but that's still like 8 weeks away. I keep telling myself that if something goes wrong this time that it's ok, because at least I know I can get pregnant! BUT, I think I won't feel that ok with it if it were to happen. I just keep hoping and praying that my little guy or girl just can hold on in there.

Anyway, I just hope I'm worrying unnecessarily. And yes, I realize that worrying isn't going to help anything. But, when you want something so badly, it's hard not to.

I'll let y'all know what my levels are this afternoon once I get them. Cross your fingers!

~M

***UPDATE*** My HCG is 2996 and my progesterone is normal again at 43. The HCG didn't rise as much as last time, but she said it was within the normal range. SO... less worrying for now. :) I have a sonogram scheduled for Tuesday. It's simply to make sure the pregnancy is in the uterus (vs. the fallopian tubes) and to check blood flow to the uterus. There will not be a heartbeat yet, so the nurse told me not to panic about that. :)