four weeks

I looked at the calendar today, and realized it's been exactly one month today since I lost my first pregnancy. In a way, it seems like it happened just yesterday; and conversely it also seems like it was eons ago.

I definitely feel that Ian and I have healed quite a bit since then. We still have moments. Moments where the loss of so many things (the pregnancy, the FIRST pregnancy, some of our hope, plans….etc.) washes over us and feels a bit all-consuming. And sometimes those moments turn into hours and days. Recently, I've had some really hard days…but, for the most part, we are healing.

After my doctor appointment last week, I was overwhelmed. I waited in the uber fancy waiting room and all the nurses knew me. They gave me sad smiles and said I looked well. Offered me sparkling water. In his office, I sat down and he asked me about my miscarriage (oh- how I HATE typing or saying that word) and got some details, and then turned the page in my chart to reveal a blank, brand new white page.

"Ok. Should we start again?"

Well, to me, I thought he meant "Should we start talking about next steps and see where things go…?". Naive? yes. But I think that I just didn't feel quite ready to just start over again, and both Ian and I had talked about how we just weren't ready.

But, when Dr. David said, "Ok. Should we start again?" he meant START AGAIN. As in; let's get a bun in that oven STAT.

whoa there.

See, most recently, (as you may recall) we had been thinking that maybe we'd wait a few months before trying again. Everything I read said you should wait 1-2 cycles before trying again. Now, I think maybe that was mostly for emotional healing, but some articles also mentioned getting your body synced back into a rhythm again. Well, since my body has never HAD a rhythm before (oh, hello 85 day cycle!) I wasn't totally sure how that would work.

Anyway, we talked, and talked. He said "no, we don’t need to wait several cycles." But, since I haven't had a period since June, he gave me progesterone to take for 10 days, and then 10-15 days later, I should get my period. So, basically we'd technically be waiting one cycle.

I told him about Ian's pain issues, and we discussed how that would affect things. He mentioned that maybe an IUI would be the best way to go the first time around, assisted of course with my old pals- Clomid and Dexamethasone.

ANYway…. my head was swirling for the rest of that day. I went home and spewed it all out at Ian, and completely overwhelmed him. You see, by the end of that appointment, I was like "Hells YES! Let's make another baby, dammit! What are we waiting for??" Oh, sure, I was also thinking, "Holy crap. This is a lot. We have to start ALL over again. yikes." but then I'd be right back to, "Let's DO this, y'all! I want us to be parents!!" Anyway. Poor Ian; I just dumped it all over him.

A few days went by, and we had some time apart (I was the most social butterfly I've been in a long time- went out THREE nights in a row…) and then on the third night when we went out together, he declared; "I want to have a baby. Let's do this." So, we had a beer (WHAT? we haven't started YET….) and talked it all through. We both decided that life is short; we want a baby, we got the go ahead from our excellent doctor- what are we waiting for?

I started my progesterone and now we just wait. We also decided that we do want to do an IUI this first time, as we found out today that we can afford at least one, maybe 2, and it might take some of the pressure off the first time back in the game. The IUI will likely be in late October.

Until then, I'm continuing on my path to get as healthy as possible (down 5.2 pounds. woot!) and try and just think positively. I know some days that will be easier said than done… but four weeks ago, I didn't think I'd ever feel hopeful about this again.

So, that's it. Time to start daily temperature taking, acupuncture, herbs, charts, pills, doctor visits...

Time to start over.

Ready? On your mark, get set….holy crap….

~M

*photo found here

poppyseed

I tried so many different ways to start this blog entry off in a witty way.

I'd type 3 or 4 sentences, re-read what I wrote, and then hit DELETE, DELETE, DELETE. Start over. Not quite right.

Nothing was coming out the way I wanted; nothing was sounding good enough to describe how I am feeling.

How am I feeling?

OVER. THE. MOON.

You guys- we did it! I'm pregnant!!

The nurse called me yesterday afternoon and gave me the news. I didn't believe her. I made her repeat it while I ran to find an empty office so that I could shed my tears of joy in private. I just started shaking and thanking her over and over again. Laughing and crying and smiling bigger than I thought possible. We DID it!

I promptly called Ian and he didn't answer, so I just sent him an email that simply said "IM PREGNANT!!" in the subject line. Yes, in my haste, I didn't even give a damn that I forgot the apostrophe. He called me back and we both just laughed and said "I can't believe it!" and shed a few more tears of joy. I then broke the cardinal rule and called my mom and brother and a couple of my closest friends. Hey- I figure, if we're blogging it, might as well tell people.

After stopping off at the store to buy Ian a jar of olives so that he could FINALLY, after over a year, enjoy his drink of choice- a gin martini, I walked in on this scene, and a BIG hug from Ian:


Also, Ian had set up a video camera, to document the first time we saw each other after hearing the news. :)

If you're wondering what is next to the flowers, well, it's pretty darn cute. He got the baby its first baby food (though, we know we won't keep it until the baby actually needs it. It's symbolic, y'all. :) )


And, baby's first toy. A little whale for the tub.


I have THE cutest husband in the world.

Then, Ian made himself a martini, and made me a diet ginger ale- straight up with a twist of lime. :)



(Please excuse how messy our counter is.) We ordered in dinner and just beamed the rest of the night.

I went to bed early Sunday night, because we had to get up EARLY on Monday for the blood test. Yes, "we". My sweet, sweet husband wanted to go with me and take me out to breakfast afterwards, so that we could tell baby the day we found out that he/she was coming in to our lives, we could say we had breakfast together that morning. Mind you, at this point, we had no idea I was pregnant, and I frankly wasn't optimistic.

I've never been more happy to be wrong.

I woke up this morning at 2:30am and decided that I wanted to take a home pregnancy test so that I could see the word "pregnant" come up on the screen. I was a little nervous, b/c it was possible that not enough HCG had built up in my system to get a positive result. But, this is what I was greeted with at 2:30am:


The best word EVER. :)

We are VERY aware that we're not out of the woods yet. With my PCOS and blood clotting issues, we have to be aware that problems could arise. This would be really sad. BUT, it is some comfort to know that we did it on our own- no IUI, no IVF- just some drugs and a KICK ASS doctor. So, I know we could do it again.

For now, we're just going to enjoy knowing that after over a year of trying, lots of tears and stress and heartache, I've got a little tiny poppyseed sized baby inside me right now, and I just can't WAIT to go on this journey with my little family.

NOTE- VERY IMPORTANT: While we are telling the few of you that read this blog, and also close friends and family members, we don't want to tell EVERYone. So, if you're mine or Ian's facebook friends, please don't post anything about this yet, and please don’t crazy telling people. :) I realize that sounds silly since I'm putting this in a blog, but right now I don't have a ton of readers as far as I know, so, we just want to keep the news semi-quiet-ish until the 12 week mark. Thanks everyone. :)

~M