bye bye, carbs.

So, no ovulation yet. Day 51. That's right; in just 5 days, I could have already had 2 "average" 28 day cycles. In full. And I haven't even ovulated yet.

Oh well. Not much to be done about it.

It was a hard weekend. Ian and I are both just having a really rough time. When you start this process, it's really hard to think about anything else. Especially when you're dealing with physical pain every day, like Ian is. And when we can see our finances slowly draining (luckily still slowly so far- though I know it's going to start speeding up soon). Also, any time you see a baby. Bam. Reminder. Any time I see a pregnant woman; Bam. Reminder.

And, every time I think about food; I'm reminded. I hope someday I love food again. But, I hate it now. I hate it. I've been doing fairly well with my food choices of late. Yes, I've had wheat a couple of times, and sugar a couple of times. But most of the time, I do really well. Which I was pleased with; because all the books I read said "if you're good 80% of the time, that's just fine." Well, I knew I was good at LEAST 80% of the time- if not more.

Anyway, my acupuncturist told me this morning that she wants to emphasize my diet with me again. Since my body is holding on to weight like crazy, and not ovulating, I just need to cut all starches and most carbs. Basically protein, veggies and limited low GI fruits (berries and apples). It's not like I haven't tried to do this before. I mean, I've talked about it plenty of times: here and here. But, it was always sort of my own choice; like "oh, I'm not losing any weight just doing gluten and sugar free, so I'm going to be more restrictive." And it works for a while, but it always ends up being too hard. So, I go back to eating starches. Still gluten free and whole grain, but starches nonetheless. Initially I was only supposed to not eat wheat and sugar and dairy. But, I've lost no weight (actually gained weight), so clearly, something else needs to change. Also, this is my longest cycle. So, I understand the more restrictive diet....it's just hard. Because as I've mentioned before; I'm picky. I don't like fish, I don't really like eggs (they're ok, but I can't eat them every day), I don't like tofu, I don't like mushrooms.... the list goes on. So, it just becomes difficult when I can only really eat protein and veggies when there are so many proteins I don't like.

Here is my lunch today. It tasted better than it looks. It was turkey (really good, marinated white turkey), tomatoes with basil, and bell peppers and red onion.



So, this will all be hard. Harder than it has been. But, I'm going to do my darndest with it. Because, well, I have to. But I'm sure going to miss my oatmeal.

~M

me in the mirror

So, I wasn't quite sure what to write about today. First off, if you're curious, I didn't get picked for jury duty. This is a good thing; because the trial was supposed to be 3 weeks long! Though I am a little disappointed that I don't get to be involved in an actual court proceeding. Oh well- it was still an interesting experience.

These last several days have been full of many ups and downs. Some people have said that Ian's sperm morphology thing isn't something to be too concerned about, while others have dealt with the same thing and have still been unable to conceive because of it. So, it's hard to know how to feel about it all. We just do are best to remain optimistic, and keep looking forward. Ian has an appointment with a Dr. we were referred to by Super D; he's a urologist specializing in male fertility. That appt. isn't until June 15th though; earliest we could get in. In the meantime, Ian has (once again) sworn off coffee (we were doing really well with that no coffee thing until we went to New Orleans) and alcohol. I occasionally have coffee, but not often. And both of us really just didn't drink much to begin with. So, I'll most likely join him in the no alcohol.

So, I still haven't ovulated. Day 46, nothin'. It is officially the longest cycle I've had since we officially started trying. At this point (as always seems to happen) I just find myself wishing for ovulation, instead of pregnancy. (Though, I'd like both please.) This waiting just seems so endless.

As for me, I'm just unhappy with me. I am dissecting everything I do or have done. I haven't been perfect on my eating lately; I've definitely had some wheat and a tiny bit of sugar. Then I start to blame myself for not ovulating. This does not feel good. And my weight is really bothering me. A lot. I mean, it usually does. But right now, I really feel it. It's a literal and figurative weight I'm carrying. I wish I could say that I'm someone that is unhappy with the way things are and just attacks it with gusto! And there have been situations in my life where I DID do that. But for some reason, I feel quite paralyzed; most likely from being overwhelmed. And then I hear people saying "oh, well, so and so tried for 7 years so don't worry- it will happen!" Well, first of all, telling someone they could potentially have 6 more years of this isn't really all that comforting, but second of all, I don't think I have the strength for 6 more years. Don't get me wrong, I'm not giving up. I want this baby more than anything I've ever wanted. But- thinking that it could take that long... that just makes me want to hide under the covers. And realizing that I'm not as strong as I thought I was... well, that makes me want to dig in to the covers even deeper.

The silver lining? I'm feeling all sad and low, so maybe this means I'm about to ovulate? GOD, I hope so.

~M

P.S. sorry for the gloomy gus post. But, it's how I'm a feelin'. So, deal with it. :)