So, I wasn't quite sure what to write about today. First off, if you're curious, I didn't get picked for jury duty. This is a good thing; because the trial was supposed to be 3 weeks long! Though I am a little disappointed that I don't get to be involved in an actual court proceeding. Oh well- it was still an interesting experience. These last several days have been full of many ups and downs. Some people have said that Ian's sperm morphology thing isn't something to be too concerned about, while others have dealt with the same thing and have still been unable to conceive because of it. So, it's hard to know how to feel about it all. We just do are best to remain optimistic, and keep looking forward. Ian has an appointment with a Dr. we were referred to by Super D; he's a urologist specializing in male fertility. That appt. isn't until June 15th though; earliest we could get in. In the meantime, Ian has (once again) sworn off coffee (we were doing really well with that no coffee thing until we went to New Orleans) and alcohol. I occasionally have coffee, but not often. And both of us really just didn't drink much to begin with. So, I'll most likely join him in the no alcohol.
So, I still haven't ovulated. Day 46, nothin'. It is officially the longest cycle I've had since we officially started trying. At this point (as always seems to happen) I just find myself wishing for ovulation, instead of pregnancy. (Though, I'd like both please.) This waiting just seems so endless.
As for me, I'm just unhappy with me. I am dissecting everything I do or have done. I haven't been perfect on my eating lately; I've definitely had some wheat and a tiny bit of sugar. Then I start to blame myself for not ovulating. This does not feel good. And my weight is really bothering me. A lot. I mean, it usually does. But right now, I really feel it. It's a literal and figurative weight I'm carrying. I wish I could say that I'm someone that is unhappy with the way things are and just attacks it with gusto! And there have been situations in my life where I DID do that. But for some reason, I feel quite paralyzed; most likely from being overwhelmed. And then I hear people saying "oh, well, so and so tried for 7 years so don't worry- it will happen!" Well, first of all, telling someone they could potentially have 6 more years of this isn't really all that comforting, but second of all, I don't think I have the strength for 6 more years. Don't get me wrong, I'm not giving up. I want this baby more than anything I've ever wanted. But- thinking that it could take that long... that just makes me want to hide under the covers. And realizing that I'm not as strong as I thought I was... well, that makes me want to dig in to the covers even deeper.
The silver lining? I'm feeling all sad and low, so maybe this means I'm about to ovulate? GOD, I hope so.
~M
P.S. sorry for the gloomy gus post. But, it's how I'm a feelin'. So, deal with it. :)
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