yay for long weekends!

I am so excited for this long weekend. Nothing huge planned; probably a trip to the Farmer's market on Saturday, then babysitting for Vera- the cutest baby ever, and on Sunday, Ian and I are going to take a short little trip up to Peekskill, NY for a little carnival/festival Memorial Day thing. We'll just hop on the train right by us and stay there for the day. I'm excited; I like small town festival things. I'd also like to see the new Sex and the City movie this weekend. Lots of things to keep me distracted from my stupid BBT chart!

I hope you all have a lovely Memorial Day weekend!

xoxo

~M

nope.

My temp was still low this morning. So.... sigh. Disappointment again. At this point I think I might need to accept that this is just going to be an insanely long cycle (I mean, more so than it already is) and just let it happen. I mean, not that I have any other choice, but, you know. Still- very disappointing. BOO.

~M

think high, y'all!

My temp dipped quite low last night, so I'm PRAYING that means it's going to spike up tonight! For those of you unfamiliar with charting Basal Body Temps (BBT), often times the day before ovulation, the temp dips low. Is this the first time it's dipped low this cycle, you ask? No. So, am I perhaps getting my hopes up for nothing? Oh, yes, it's quite possible. But I'm choosing to think positive.

So, everyone, think "high temp" thoughts for me tonight. I really really want to ovulate!

Thanks!

~M

i am annoyed by me

If I were you, I'd be annoyed with the fact that all I talk about is fertility and my cycle and blah blah blah blah blah. I personally am thoroughly annoyed by thinking about it all the time. So, listening to it, well, I imagine that must not be pleasant. Sorry, y'all. It's all I think about.

Because until you actually find yourself trying to get pregnant, it's really hard to imagine how all encompassing it feels. I had no idea before I started trying. You don't WANT it to; but it does. It's really all you can think about most of the time. Which is quite distracting and not at all productive. I get really really tired of thinking about it sometimes. Because trying to keep positive about it all the time? Is exhausting. Then watching a dad hold his 2 year old little boy's hand while they walk down steps when you're on your way to the subway just adds to the urgency and feeling of "not fair!".

I go back to the Dr. next week to check to see if the ureaplasma went away. I sure hope so! Also, I was talking to my acupuncturist last night, telling her that I had to talk to my Dr. about getting a clomid prescription so that I'd be ready to start it when I finally finish this cycle, and she said, "Well, you have to be prepared if he doesn't want to start you on clomid until Ian's morphology improves." You see, you can't just do Clomid every cycle until you get pregnant. Most doctors don't want you to do it for more than 6 cycles. So...it makes sense that we'd want the morphology to be higher before doing Clomid again. It just bums me out. I mean, Super D hasn't said we can't do clomid next cycle, but, he very well might. So, I have to be prepared. Prepared for possibly much more waiting.

Blah blah. my posts lately are not very well organized. But today I don't care because I miss carbs.

(not that I ate cake before this, because I was gluten and sugar free... but now that I can't have ANY starches... I want cake.)

But for now, I am living vicariously through internet pictures. :)


~M

bye bye, carbs.

So, no ovulation yet. Day 51. That's right; in just 5 days, I could have already had 2 "average" 28 day cycles. In full. And I haven't even ovulated yet.

Oh well. Not much to be done about it.

It was a hard weekend. Ian and I are both just having a really rough time. When you start this process, it's really hard to think about anything else. Especially when you're dealing with physical pain every day, like Ian is. And when we can see our finances slowly draining (luckily still slowly so far- though I know it's going to start speeding up soon). Also, any time you see a baby. Bam. Reminder. Any time I see a pregnant woman; Bam. Reminder.

And, every time I think about food; I'm reminded. I hope someday I love food again. But, I hate it now. I hate it. I've been doing fairly well with my food choices of late. Yes, I've had wheat a couple of times, and sugar a couple of times. But most of the time, I do really well. Which I was pleased with; because all the books I read said "if you're good 80% of the time, that's just fine." Well, I knew I was good at LEAST 80% of the time- if not more.

Anyway, my acupuncturist told me this morning that she wants to emphasize my diet with me again. Since my body is holding on to weight like crazy, and not ovulating, I just need to cut all starches and most carbs. Basically protein, veggies and limited low GI fruits (berries and apples). It's not like I haven't tried to do this before. I mean, I've talked about it plenty of times: here and here. But, it was always sort of my own choice; like "oh, I'm not losing any weight just doing gluten and sugar free, so I'm going to be more restrictive." And it works for a while, but it always ends up being too hard. So, I go back to eating starches. Still gluten free and whole grain, but starches nonetheless. Initially I was only supposed to not eat wheat and sugar and dairy. But, I've lost no weight (actually gained weight), so clearly, something else needs to change. Also, this is my longest cycle. So, I understand the more restrictive diet....it's just hard. Because as I've mentioned before; I'm picky. I don't like fish, I don't really like eggs (they're ok, but I can't eat them every day), I don't like tofu, I don't like mushrooms.... the list goes on. So, it just becomes difficult when I can only really eat protein and veggies when there are so many proteins I don't like.

Here is my lunch today. It tasted better than it looks. It was turkey (really good, marinated white turkey), tomatoes with basil, and bell peppers and red onion.



So, this will all be hard. Harder than it has been. But, I'm going to do my darndest with it. Because, well, I have to. But I'm sure going to miss my oatmeal.

~M

google isn't always your friend

Especially when you're trying to get pregnant. I have googled SO many things. Today, I decided to google about the antibiotic I'm taking for my ureaplasma, doxycycline. First of all, I hate this antibiotic. It is wicked. I almost threw up on the subway the first morning I took it, and then the following morning at home, I actually DID throw up. It's harsh stuff.

So, I googled "doxycycline and pregnancy". You see, even though I'm on day 48 of my cycle and no ovulation yet, I'm still hopeful that we'll be able to time it right. However, then I read this:

"Doxycycline is typically not recommended for women who are expecting. The medicine may cause permanent tooth discoloration in the child, and may even affect bone formation. If pregnancy occurs while you are taking doxycycline, make sure to talk to your health care provider about the potential risks and benefits of using this antibiotic."

Ok. Well, I'm NOT expecting, and I actually finish this antibiotic on Sunday morning, but still. Permanent tooth discoloration? YES, there are worse things, but that would suck. I have no idea if that means that my egg is affected this cycle, or what. But, it worries me just a little bit. See, Google- not always your friend.

Anyway, I have to take the tough stuff, because this is the 2nd time I've had it, so- have to get rid of it. I really hate drugs though. I wish with all of my heart that my damn cycle would just regulate itself, and that I wouldn't have to take fertility drugs. Seriously; I went in to this saying "I never want to take fertility drugs." Ha. Little did I know my body was going to be so uncooperative.

Also, I googled "is it possible to ovulate without seeing a temperature rise"; thinking- hey, maybe it's possible, and I've actually ovulated, but there's just no temp shift!

yeah, it's not possible.

oh.

Today I decided to enter the 21st century, and start charting my cycles online instead of only on paper. I'll still do paper, so that I can take them in to my acupuncturist for her to add to my charts, but doing it on a computer you can keep track of so many different factors going on that specific day. I took a cue from my new friend Kate, over at the kid thing. She always posts her charts from fertility friend. So, I'm gonna give it a whirl this weekend and enter all of my cycles since June of '09. I'm nerdily kind of excited.

I'm in a slightly better mood than I was yesterday. Yesterday was a hard day. Many tears on my part- for no real specific reason. I think maybe I'm happier because today is Friday, and Fridays are awesome! It's lovely here in New York today; 82 and sunny.

Hey, you know what I noticed? I start a lot of sentences with "So,...". I only did it once in this post, but I noticed in going back in other posts that I tend to do that. Isn't that so interesting?

no?

? ?

Ok, no.

Aaaaaaaanyway, that's all. This is a very random post. And fairly uninteresting. And just kind of jumps around a lot. Sorry 'bout that.

Have a lovely weekend everyone! I might write an entry this weekend if I do happen to ovulate. (Keep your fingers crossed!!!)

~M


p.s.

do you want to see the cutest thing ever totally unrelated to fertility?

ok, here you go!

ten things

So, after I got all bummed yesterday, I thought I'd try and pick myself up a little and think about all the things I have in my life that make me happy. Here are the top ten:

10. Coffee


9. My cat (ok.... all cats)


(oh hi. i'm adorable. don't mind me.)


8. A job, a roof over my head, and food to eat

7. Crime shows

6. Good Hugs

5. snuggling on the couch with Ian

4. Good live music

3. A really good, long laugh

2. Friends and Family

1. and this guy.

~M

me in the mirror

So, I wasn't quite sure what to write about today. First off, if you're curious, I didn't get picked for jury duty. This is a good thing; because the trial was supposed to be 3 weeks long! Though I am a little disappointed that I don't get to be involved in an actual court proceeding. Oh well- it was still an interesting experience.

These last several days have been full of many ups and downs. Some people have said that Ian's sperm morphology thing isn't something to be too concerned about, while others have dealt with the same thing and have still been unable to conceive because of it. So, it's hard to know how to feel about it all. We just do are best to remain optimistic, and keep looking forward. Ian has an appointment with a Dr. we were referred to by Super D; he's a urologist specializing in male fertility. That appt. isn't until June 15th though; earliest we could get in. In the meantime, Ian has (once again) sworn off coffee (we were doing really well with that no coffee thing until we went to New Orleans) and alcohol. I occasionally have coffee, but not often. And both of us really just didn't drink much to begin with. So, I'll most likely join him in the no alcohol.

So, I still haven't ovulated. Day 46, nothin'. It is officially the longest cycle I've had since we officially started trying. At this point (as always seems to happen) I just find myself wishing for ovulation, instead of pregnancy. (Though, I'd like both please.) This waiting just seems so endless.

As for me, I'm just unhappy with me. I am dissecting everything I do or have done. I haven't been perfect on my eating lately; I've definitely had some wheat and a tiny bit of sugar. Then I start to blame myself for not ovulating. This does not feel good. And my weight is really bothering me. A lot. I mean, it usually does. But right now, I really feel it. It's a literal and figurative weight I'm carrying. I wish I could say that I'm someone that is unhappy with the way things are and just attacks it with gusto! And there have been situations in my life where I DID do that. But for some reason, I feel quite paralyzed; most likely from being overwhelmed. And then I hear people saying "oh, well, so and so tried for 7 years so don't worry- it will happen!" Well, first of all, telling someone they could potentially have 6 more years of this isn't really all that comforting, but second of all, I don't think I have the strength for 6 more years. Don't get me wrong, I'm not giving up. I want this baby more than anything I've ever wanted. But- thinking that it could take that long... that just makes me want to hide under the covers. And realizing that I'm not as strong as I thought I was... well, that makes me want to dig in to the covers even deeper.

The silver lining? I'm feeling all sad and low, so maybe this means I'm about to ovulate? GOD, I hope so.

~M

P.S. sorry for the gloomy gus post. But, it's how I'm a feelin'. So, deal with it. :)

a few more hurdles

So, yesterday our doctor's office called with the results of some of our tests. To re-cap, these are the tests we had done:

Me:

-Cervical culture for bacteria
-Blood test for testosterone levels
-Blood test for glucose and insulin

Ian:

-Third semen analysis, this time with a lab that is supposedly much better at looking at morphology (shape) of the sperm
-culture of semen for bacteria
-PSA test (this is usually done in older men to test for prostate cancer. As I may have mentioned before, though I don't think I have, Ian has had some issues with his prostate and so the doc just wanted to do this test. He doesn't think he has cancer, but he said he was looking for other things with the test. Not sure what.)

(Also, Ian and I talked about it, and he's totally ok with me posting all of this. So, I'm not some meanie wife who is spilling secrets that my husband doesn't want to share- just FYI.)

So, the results:

1. I have ureaplasma again. It's a bacteria. I had it a while back. I don't remember if I mentioned this. Apparently it can come back. Anyway, it can cause difficulty in getting pregnant and also miscarriage. So, both Ian and I are on antibiotics for that. Nasty antibiotics that you have to take on an empty stomach. I took my first one this morning and had to get off the train at 116th because I almost threw up. Didn't help that the girl next to me was eating an egg sandwich. Anyway, so, hopefully this antibiotic clears it up for good. I have no idea how you get it, but I hope it doesn't come back.

2. My testosterone levels are like 3 numbers over the top of the range, so he said this wasn't anything to be worried about. For some reason this makes me insecure, like I'm extra manly or something, but elevated testosterone is normal for PCOS, so I guess it's good that it's not super high.

3. I am NOT insulin resistant! So, that's a good thing. My PCOS is being caused by something else, but not insulin resistance. So, that means I was taking that metformin for like um, 7-8 months? For no reason. UGH. If you're reading this and you have PCOS, make sure they test to see if you're actually insulin resistant. A lot of women with PCOS are, but not all are.

4. His PSA test is not back yet. Neither is the culture for bacteria, though since we're taking this antibiotic, I'm sure if he also has ureaplasma, we'll get rid of it with this round.

5. And finally, his semen analysis. This is the one we were worried about the least. Super D wanted to check it again, because he said the labs we had gone to before didn't really know what they were looking for in regards to morphology. He's had two prior semen analyses that turned out perfectly. However, when they called us yesterday, they said his morphology was off. The range they gave us for normal was 8-14% and Ian's was showing at 3%. This is sad news. If the sperm morphology is off, then they have a hard time fertilizing the egg, because they either have an odd shaped head or tail.

There's no definitive way to tell what causes it. A lot of the online research we did last night said to stop smoking (he doesn't) drinking heavily (he doesn't) doing drugs (nope) riding bikes (nope again) going into hot tubs (no) and eating junk food (very rarely). So, there's not a lot we can change lifestyle wise. We both are going to start exercising more, and we're going to try yoga. He may try acupuncture, or maybe not, but that's an option too.

As I mentioned before, Ian has been dealing with pelvic issues since December. It started out presenting as prostatitis, but then moved to his "boys". He's always just a little sore down there and has gotten used to it for the most part, but it's caused a lot of stress for him. He's gone to many doctors and had many tests, but no one seems to know what it is, except for just calling it "Chronic Pelvic Pain". Anyway, this could have something to do with the morphology too. Again, just no way to know what's really causing it yet. We'll probably have to see a Dr. before we really know. Lots of sites say that there's not much to be done, and then some give you more hope.

The thing that made me the most sad was every time I googled PCOS and poor sperm morphology, it always took me to a blog or a message board talking about how they had to do IVF because of all their challenges. This was like the last thing I ever wanted to consider. I'm really trying not to get ahead of myself. Because I also read today that it takes up to 3 semen analyses to really see what's going on. So, maybe that one was a fluke.

Anyway, we'll figure it out. It's discouraging news, because the last thing we needed was more problems in that area. As we like to joke, "We have broken junk." We totally do. But, we'll figure it out. Just another hurdle we'll have to figure a way around.

Good thing I have the best partner in the world to navigate hurdles with.

~M

grrrrrrr.

Day 40.

No ovulation.

Come ON!

Way annoyed.

BUT- I do have jury duty today and am strangely excited. I hope I get picked because we're in a criminal court so it would be a criminal case. And if you know me, you know I love all the Law and Order shows, so, yeah, I'm excited. YES, I realize it won't be as exciting as TV, but I'm a nerd so I think it would be cool.

Anyway, it's sort of distracting me from the fact that it's day 40 and I haven't ovulated yet.

Sort of.

~M

if wishes were fishes

So, today I found a blog that had all of these birth stories, which I think are always fun to read. I just like hearing all the different experiences women have and all of the different perspectives. However, in a few of the stories I read today, I found myself getting a little jealous. No, not of the pregnancies themselves (though- yes, I DO want to get pregnant eventually), but of the “surprise!” pregnancies.

You see, I doubt that there will ever come a day, where I’m casually thinking “My! I don’t feel well, and haven’t for a couple of weeks! Oh! And whaddya know! I’ve missed my period!” Cut to me in the drugstore, and then taking a test, and calling Ian saying “You’ll never believe it! I’m pregnant! I didn’t see this coming at all!”

Don’t get me wrong, I know that I’ll be super excited when I finally do get pregnant, but I do sort of wish that someday there could be an actual “surprise” baby. I kind of feel like it’s sort of like knowing a marriage proposal is coming before it does. Yes, you’re happy that you’re getting engaged, but you already knew it was coming!

Anyway; I’m not trying to say that one way is better than the other. Just sometimes I wish I didn’t have to be so aware and deliberate about it all.

I do know though, that in the end, it won’t matter how it happened. I’ll just be thrilled to have my little one in my arms.

~M

fasting and bruising

So, this morning I had to fast until I went in to the lab at 11:30 to get blood drawn. Now, there have been plenty of days I didn't eat breakfast or didn't eat until like 10:00 or 10:30 if I got caught up at work and just didn't have time. But for some reason waiting until 11:30 today was really hard. Probably psyched myself out a bit. I was SO hungry! Anyway, they are testing my glucose, insulin and blood type. So, we'll see! I ate as soon as I got back and now I'm TIRED. Yawnnnn......

Also, I got blood taken at my last appt. (on Wednesday with Super D) and the nurse like mangled my arm (click to enlarge):

Ow! It totally hurts still. What's that? You can't really see the bruise because you're totally blinded by my pasty white not-toned arms? Hmph. Well, it's there, trust me.

Anyway, today the other arm was used and so far it looks like she did better- no bruise yet. But you can see the needle hole:

What's that? You think I'm a big baby for posting pictures of my tiny injuries? Well, first of all, aren't we rude today, and second of all, ppbbbbbbbbbbttttttt!

ALSO- it's only Monday? How is this possible? Gah.

Also Also, I have jury duty this week! I'm kind of excited about it! I know, that's dorky, but something about it always seems kind of exciting. It's on Thursday and I'd guess Friday too, but I don't know yet.

I'll bring my laptop with me though, so DON'T YOU WORRY! I'll still be able to post. I know. For a second you were all like "WHAT??? But if she's in jury duty, how will we get access to updated photos of her pasty white arms?" But no fear. I'll still be around.

~M

P.S. In case you're keeping track- day 37- no ovulation. sigh.

mother's day

I thought today was going to be a hard day, simply because I want to be a mother so badly, and haven't been able to yet. But, it wasn't. Instead, I celebrate all of the moms in my life; my wonderful friends, my beautiful sister, my amazing mother-in-law and of course- my own incredible mother. Thank you all for all you do!

I love you, Mom! And Happy Mother's Day to you all!



~ M

a fresh outlook (aka- super doctor; the visit)

So, as you may have heard, I met with an new Dr. yesterday. Super Doctor, as I referred to him here. I asked him if we could call him that, or maybe if we could just call him Super D, but he wasn't down with that.*

Anyway, we got in there and he was down to business right away. Many, many questions (some REALLY personal)were asked. He had all of my paperwork that I had mailed in in April in front of him with tons of notes. You guys, he had little tabs on different pages and expertly and quickly flipped back and forth between pages. He also had some things memorized! Crazy. He had really looked this stuff over before our visit, so that was really nice to see.

So, what did he say, you ask? Well, first of all, thanks for asking! I'll tell you!

1. He said first and foremost, even though I don't ovulate regularly or as often as I should, I DO ovulate, and that is a really good thing. Not all women who have PCOS ovulate, so I'm happy that I do.

2. My thyroid is under active. I've known this, but my ObGyn said she didn't want to put me on thyroid, because she didn't think it was under active enough. He said that it was, and that most likely he will put me on a low dose of thyroid medication. He also said that this could make a big difference for me.

3. I might have been pregnant in January. Basically he said that my temperature chart did the initial spike, and then it went up again, which is often indicative of a pregnancy. I had some serious pregnancy symptoms that month, but I was also taking progesterone, so I thought that was what was causing the weird symptoms. But he said I may very well have been pregnant, and it just didn't "stick". Crazy. I'm not really sad about this, because if I WAS pregnant, I didn't know about it.

So, now we're moving forward with testing and waiting for results to see where we go from here. He took some blood to test my testosterone levels (because those had not been previously tested, and if I have an excess amount, that would really mess with things too) and I'll go in next week to get some blood drawn to test my fasting glucose. Basically, women with PCOS are often insulin resistant, but not always. My previous doc didn't test my glucose and just put me on metformin without checking if I WAS insulin resistant. So, he told me to stop taking it for now. If it turns out that I am, we may just have to do a higher dose. (Which kind of sucks, because metformin often makes me really nauseated.)

Ian is also getting his sperm tested again at a fancy pants lab that specializes in semen analysis. I'm sure they're still going to show up as the strongest-best-most-handsomest-sperm-on-the-planet, but better safe than sorry.

Anyway, we're just going to wait for those test results, and go from there. I will most likely be on clomid and either metformin or something else along with a thyroid medication for my next cycle.

It honestly at first was hard for me to leave the office and realize it was just more WAITING... but I know that's how this works. I am happy though, that I've got someone who really knows what he's doing.

That's it! I'll be updating as I get more news! I'm a little sad for more waiting but excited that we now have a new person looking at our situation, and I hope we start to see some results!

Now if I would only ovulate....

~ M




* I didn't do this. But it would have been funny. But, sadly, I didn't. I wanted to, but Ian said I couldn't. What a killjoy.

more good advice

Hey guys- the bump.com did it again. Sage advice for getting ready to conceive.

Number one on THIS list is:

1. Learn your womanly bits.

.....
........

Um, I think this is where I've gone wrong. I had no clue I had "bits" that I had to learn.

~M

p.s. Tomorrow is my super doctor visit! Woo hoo! :)

honesty

I was recently given an award from Michele of the the lady is in. An award you guys! :) It's an honesty award, and because I won this award, I'm supposed to tell you 10 things about myself. I'm guessing it has to be 10 honest things. I mean, that would make sense given the title of the award. Hmm. I'm also guessing since I have like 3 readers, that you all know these 10 things, but here goes:

1. My middle name is Anne. Please don't forget the "e".

2. I used to drive a really awesome 1970 light yellow VW Beetle. I wish I had known anything about VW's to keep it running, because it was a super cute car- I loved it. But it broke down a LOT.

3. I love the city, but I'd really like to live in the country some day. Not SO far out that I couldn't get to a fairly decent sized town in under an hour though.

4. I also fantasize about living in a small town. But in my mind, the small town is extremely quaint and everyone knows everyone and is fabulously quirky. I MAY have watched too many episodes of Gilmore Girls. (But seriously guys, if you haven't seen that show, it's AWESOME. And I want to live in Stars Hollow.)

5. A few years back, I started painting my fingernails and toes bright cherry red. Now, on the rare occasion that I get a manicure or a pedicure, I find it hard to choose any other color.

6. When I see a kitty, it's REALLY hard for me not to pick it up. Even when people are like "oh, they don't really like to be picked up. " I usually try anyway. I love kitties. Even if they bite me.

7. I am 1/4 Lumbee Indian.

8. I have a new pet peeve since moving to New York; cutting your fingernails in public. It's just not ok, you guys. Just not ok.

9. I think it would be fun to live in so many parts of the world. I'd love to live in Northern California some day, or Arizona or New Mexico (because I think deserts are beautiful), or Maine, because I'd love to live on the beach in Maine. Italy, Ireland, London, Paris… so many places, so little time! I probably won't get to live all these places, but I sure hope to visit.

10. I am so excited to someday be a mother. And I'm excited for every stage; babies, toddlers, kindergarten, family vacations, school dances, high school, college… all of it. I just am so looking forward to it.

Thanks, Michele!

~M