Tuesday, May 18, 2010

me in the mirror

So, I wasn't quite sure what to write about today. First off, if you're curious, I didn't get picked for jury duty. This is a good thing; because the trial was supposed to be 3 weeks long! Though I am a little disappointed that I don't get to be involved in an actual court proceeding. Oh well- it was still an interesting experience.

These last several days have been full of many ups and downs. Some people have said that Ian's sperm morphology thing isn't something to be too concerned about, while others have dealt with the same thing and have still been unable to conceive because of it. So, it's hard to know how to feel about it all. We just do are best to remain optimistic, and keep looking forward. Ian has an appointment with a Dr. we were referred to by Super D; he's a urologist specializing in male fertility. That appt. isn't until June 15th though; earliest we could get in. In the meantime, Ian has (once again) sworn off coffee (we were doing really well with that no coffee thing until we went to New Orleans) and alcohol. I occasionally have coffee, but not often. And both of us really just didn't drink much to begin with. So, I'll most likely join him in the no alcohol.

So, I still haven't ovulated. Day 46, nothin'. It is officially the longest cycle I've had since we officially started trying. At this point (as always seems to happen) I just find myself wishing for ovulation, instead of pregnancy. (Though, I'd like both please.) This waiting just seems so endless.

As for me, I'm just unhappy with me. I am dissecting everything I do or have done. I haven't been perfect on my eating lately; I've definitely had some wheat and a tiny bit of sugar. Then I start to blame myself for not ovulating. This does not feel good. And my weight is really bothering me. A lot. I mean, it usually does. But right now, I really feel it. It's a literal and figurative weight I'm carrying. I wish I could say that I'm someone that is unhappy with the way things are and just attacks it with gusto! And there have been situations in my life where I DID do that. But for some reason, I feel quite paralyzed; most likely from being overwhelmed. And then I hear people saying "oh, well, so and so tried for 7 years so don't worry- it will happen!" Well, first of all, telling someone they could potentially have 6 more years of this isn't really all that comforting, but second of all, I don't think I have the strength for 6 more years. Don't get me wrong, I'm not giving up. I want this baby more than anything I've ever wanted. But- thinking that it could take that long... that just makes me want to hide under the covers. And realizing that I'm not as strong as I thought I was... well, that makes me want to dig in to the covers even deeper.

The silver lining? I'm feeling all sad and low, so maybe this means I'm about to ovulate? GOD, I hope so.


P.S. sorry for the gloomy gus post. But, it's how I'm a feelin'. So, deal with it. :)


  1. i also hate it when i hear that, "well, so and so tried for 8 years, and it finally happened!" it's like ... "that's supposed to be encouraging?" i hate that.

    when i went to that RESOLVE conference last month, there was a panel of women who had all dealt with infertility - different reasons, different time periods, different outcomes, a total variety. somebody did ask that question. the, "what do you do when you just don't feel like doing this anymore?" ALL of their responses were to the affect of, "don't give up. you will be a mom. and you'll be more appreciative of what you will have because of what you have gone through."

    it's not like that made me (or anyone else sitting in that room) feel better, but at least it made me feel that i'm not alone in this - and that other people have those defeated moments too. the moments of blaming yourself or your body and just being pissed about the whole situation.

    it's 100% okay to feel this way. it's NOT fair. not at all. :(


  2. Kate,

    Thank you! This helps a lot. Especially your experience at the RESOLVE conference; it IS nice to hear that other people feel the same way and are going through the same things. I mean, I knew that, but the part about feeling defeated and not knowing how long I can do this; that's where my guilt/worry came from. Anyway, it's nice to know that others feel the same way.

    hugs to you too; hang in there this week!

  3. don't feel guilty! you're doing everything right - in fact BETTER than most people trying to get pregnant. :)

  4. Moo- bad days happen. sending you love, lady.

  5. Thanks Kate and Michele. :) Appreciate it lots.

  6. Oh, Mariah! I am SO sorry. Hang in there...you are doing everything humanly possible to make this happen. Don't be so hard on yourself. If you have a bite of wheat that doesn't make you a bad person! it makes you a real human lady.