a pcos primer

Hello all! I can't believe I didn't blog yesterday. Are you ok? Did you freak out? I hope you made it through ok without my wise words of wiseness.

I thought for this entry I'd clue you in to the "basics" of PCOS and what it all means. So... here we go! (My comments are in GREEN.)

Polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS) is the most common female endocrine disorder, (woo hoo! It's common! Somehow, strangely, this does not make me feel better.) affecting approximately 5%-10% of all females. PCOS is a hormonal disorder that involves multiple organ systems within the body, and is believed to be fundamentally caused by insensitivity to the hormone insulin. However, it is not well understood enough to know for sure that this is the cause. It can be diagnosed in all phases of life - in girls as young as 8-9 years of age, up through post-menopause. Although PCOS is one of the leading causes of infertility, the reproductive aspects of the disorder are secondary. PCOS is not limited to women of reproductive age or potential.

Common symptoms of PCOS include (aka- the sexiest symptoms EVAH!):

• irregular or no menstrual periods (for women of reproductive age)
• irregular ovulation, with or without monthly bleeding
• acne
• excess hair growth on the face and body
• thinning scalp hair
• accumulation of unruptured follicles on the periphery of the ovaries (mislabeled as "cysts", often called polycystic ovaries)

It is not necessary to have all of these symptoms to have PCOS. In fact it is not necessary to have "polycystic ovaries" to have PCOS. PCOS manifests itself differently in each woman.

In addition to the above, approximately 60% of women with PCOS have weight management issues (stupid weight management issues. I spit on you. No fair.) which can lead to obesity with only normal caloric intake. (ok, this is the way sucky thing. I can watch my food intake like a HAWK- eating like 1200-1400 calories, and my weight won't budge.) Energy in the form of glucose (food) is stored right away as fat, instead of being made available for other functions within the body. This can lead to chronic fatigue and undernourishment, despite the fact that there is adequate food intake and even an appearance of over nourishment. (ha ha. over nourishment. That's a nice way to say "chubby".) However, it's important to note that 40% of women with PCOS are of normal weight, or even fall under a normal weight range. (I guess I'm one of the lucky 60% who have to battle with this.)

There is no cure for PCOS, but it can be successfully managed through diet, exercise, and in some cases medical intervention. Management of PCOS is essential, as unmanaged PCOS can progress to diabetes, and can also lead to certain forms of cancer if unaddressed. Proper management of PCOS often eliminates all symptoms. Some women with managed PCOS are among the healthiest within the population because of their lifestyle choices. (this is what I really want! And once I get there, I'll walk around going "I'm probably healthier than you! HA!)

PCOS has also been called Stein-Leventhal Syndrome, historically. The name "polycystic ovarian syndrome" or "polycystic ovary syndrome" is a poor descriptor of the condition, however attempts to arrive at a consensus on renaming the condition have failed so far.

Myths about PCOS:

Women with PCOS cannot have children. FALSE
Women who have had children cannot have PCOS. FALSE
Hysterectomy cures PCOS. FALSE
A woman must have polycystic ovaries to be diagnosed with PCOS. FALSE
A woman who has polycystic ovaries definitely has PCOS. FALSE
Birth control pills cure PCOS. FALSE
If a woman doesn't want to have children (or more children), she I doesn't have to worry about PCOS management. FALSE
If a woman passes a glucose tolerance test, she doesn't have insulin resistance or PCOS. FALSE

Women with PCOS also have higher rates of:

•Miscarriage
•Gestational diabetes
•Pregnancy-induced high blood pressure (preeclampsia)
•Premature delivery

___________________________

So, there you go! A very BASIC primer, but a little info for you. Also, this is a picture of an ultrasound of a polycystic ovary. It looks almost identical to the ultrasound I got in November. All the little black round dots are follicles that never ruptured.

Anyway, I keep reading different books/articles to see if I can learn more, but this is usually about as in depth as it gets. I hope it was at least mildly interesting for you! :)

~M

in a fog

I feel a bit like I'm in a fog today. Maybe it's because it's Monday and I'm just tired. Maybe it's because I'm in this sucky holding pattern- just waiting for this cycle to end. Who knows. My body feels quite wonky today- sluggish, bloated, and really nauseated. Blech.
No fun.

This weekend I started reading this book on holistic fertility. So far it's interesting. I plan on doing the yoga that it suggests- maybe it will help me relax a bit? We'll see. It's all very interesting, and hopefully it will be a good companion to my acupunture.

Also, today I was reading some other infertility blogs, and a couple of them also had PCOS. I have to say, it made me feel a bit behind the curve. Most of these women have already been to reproductive endocronologists and fertility doctors. Or- is that the same thing? I'll have to google that later. Anyway, it just made me think: should I have seen a specialist sooner? I was trying to be patient- but was I TOO patient? I mean, I've only been diagnosed with PCOS by my obgyn- should I have rushed out and gotten a 2nd opinion? I mean, I saw my ovaries on the sonogram- they look like classic polycystic ovaries- and I have many of the symptoms, so I really have no doubt, but I just wonder if I should have seen a specialist sooner. (Holy run-on sentence, Batman!)

It's really so hard in all walks of life NOT to compare yourself to others. Second guessing your choices when you see what others have done. I guess I will just have to trust what I've done so far (it's not like I can change it now!) and move forward-hoping my choices and instincts were the right ones.

~M

a weighty issue

My scale was not my friend this morning. Well, I guess it has never really been my friend. I knew I was retaining water this morning, and my pants felt a tiny bit snug, so I thought "hmm... I haven't weighed myself in a while, maybe I should just see where I am." Yeah. I kind of wish I hadn't done that. I realize I share a lot on this blog, but, dear readers, I will not be telling you my weight. I am TOO embarrassed by it. But, I have gained about 8 pounds this month. WHAT??? GAH.

I hate that it's so easy for me to gain weight and so difficult to lose it. When I first was diagnosed with PCOS, and read that one of the symptoms for many women was "difficulty losing weight" I was partially relieved to know that it wasn't my fault. But now I'm just mad. Really mad.

I hate that my weight is always on my mind. Every second; really- not an exaggeration. I'm so tired of thinking about it; it's exhausting. I feel like a broken record. But I know that it will never be something I can't focus on. It will be my lifelong struggle. And I realize that everyone has something like that, and I'm not unique in this regard. Everyone has a thing they perpetually struggle with.

Anyway, I've decided because of this, that I'm not going to do clomid this month. Instead, I'm going to use this month to just focus on losing some weight. I want to be as healthy as possible when I have my appointment with Dr. Sami David in May. This was a hard decision to make, because I was really looking forward to doing another round of clomid; hoping that it would really do what it was supposed to this time. The fact that I had a prescription for a higher dose just made me hopeful. But; it's more important that I'm healthy. So, this next cycle is just going to be all about trying to be healthier. Because baby or no baby, my health is vital. And I think it's time to take a little break from being so baby focused, and just focus on me. Because when baby Fraser DOES show up, I want to be a shining example of health and happiness for our little wee one.

~M

alright already!

Ok, so right now I'm at the eye Doctor- filling out forms. I'm participating in a contact lens study (don't worry- all lenses are FDA approved) for cash. That's right; I get to wear free contact lenses and they pay me. Anyway, there are a TON of forms you have to fill out, and I just had to initial like 5 pages saying I promised I was "not pregnant". Way to rub it in, eye doctor!

~M

discouraging

So, today I'm feeling discouraged. It's day 53 of my cycle. FIFTY THREE. It has been 5 days since I finished the progesterone, and nothing has happened. I was happy though, because for the last few days, my temperature had been dropping, which seems like for sure it meant things were coming to an end, but this morning it went back up again. Not SO high up that you'd think I ovulated, just high enough to be annoying and discouraging. Most girls don't wish for their periods to come, but I feel like I constantly am. You'd THINK I'd constantly be wishing to be pregnant, but so often, after I take a million tests and know I'm NOT pregnant- I'm just in a hurry to get my period so I can try again.

Anyway, so now I'm just waiting, and hoping that maybe with Murphy's law- because I'm mentioning it and all- I'll get my period soon so we can start again. I'm REALLY hoping!

Cross your fingers for me!

(this was an entirely not entertaining and way bummer of a post. Sorry 'bout that.)

~M

cake

So. Yesterday's birthday cake....It was sooooo good. :) yum. And at dinner? I broke every single dietary restriction, because, dammit, it was my birthday!! But it was super tasty and so fun, and my lovely husband gave me a wonderful birthday celebration.

Sadly though, it's back to reality today, and I feel SO sluggish and tired. Partly I think because I stayed up a little later than usual, but mostly, I think it's the diversion from my eating restrictions that did it. Anyway, back on the wagon today!

I think I'll do a long workout tonight to try and get my energy back up, and then early to bed for me!

I have to admit...I'm sort of at a loss these days about what to post here. I mean, I'm still just waiting waiting waiting for this cycle to end so I can start my new cycle of clomid. So, while I'm waiting... I guess you just get to hear about the cake I eat. Although, there won't really BE anymore cake being eaten...so...there goes THAT material. hmm. I better think about this before my 3 readers get bored and never come back! :)

~M

another year older

Well, it's my birthday! Another year gone by- it's crazy how quickly it goes. Usually I'm really excited about birthdays, but this year I feel odd about it. I couldn't quite put my finger on it until I started thinking about what is different. I'm not one of those people who gets sad that I'm aging; I mean, I don't LOVE aging, but I like birthdays and it's inevitable that we age, so, you know. But, I realized that at 33, I'm getting closer to the dreaded "35". 35 isn't old at ALL, but in fertility land, it's the cut off age where things change. For instance, they say in most instances, you should wait after you've been trying to get pregnant for about a year before going to a fertility doc; UNLESS you're 35. Then go right away. And if you're pregnant at 35? You're high risk. Yep. So, anyway, I'm well aware that I still have plenty of time, so I'm really not stressed about it; it's more of just an awareness that it's getting closer. Not a stress though. I know I'm still a spring chicken. ;)

Anyway, I'm looking forward to tonight, because my lovely husband is going to take me out to dinner and I will have some CAKE! Woo hoo! Yes, cake is verboten for me… but not on my birthday! Birthdays give you a "free pass" for stuff like that. ALSO, in a super lucky twist of fate (OR, maybe they just really love me) Starbucks had "free pastry day" today, and I redeemed mine! Yum. My free apple bran muffin was VERY tasty indeed. I will be having a salad for lunch to try and balance it out, but really, I'm not worried about it. It's my birthday.


So, I think in writing this post, by the time I reached the end, I've lost all my "weird" feelings about my birthday this year. I'm happy to be 33, and happy to be turning one year older. I'm blessed with lovely friends, a wonderful family, an incredible husband, a cute kitty, my health, a good job, and a roof over my head. Each year that passes it seems the more blessings I have, and the more people in my life there are to love. So, I am quite grateful for that. Happy Birthday, me.

something missing

So, I had the strangest feeling last night. I was lying on the couch watching "Parenthood" (hey- I like it. don't judge.) totally getting sucked in by the family drama, and I felt this crazy weird "light" feeling on my chest, on the left hand side. The only way I can describe it, is that it was as if something had been lying on my chest, and it wasn't anymore, and I felt the void. Does that makes sense? It was totally unlike anything I'd ever felt before. I literally felt like there SHOULD be a baby laying there on me, sleeping. I'm not making this up; it was so real and so odd. Felt like there HAD been a baby there; all warm and soft and snuggly, and someone taken it.

Anyway, it made me happy and sad at the same time. I can't wait until one day, I'm lying on the couch, watching my cheesy family melodrama shows, and there is a little warm bundle lying on my chest, all cozy and snuggly and warm.

~M

change of focus

Well, not necessarily a change. But this week I've really been examining my life and my day-to-day living, and I'm kind of disappointed in myself. I honestly think in this last almost year, I've been in a bit of a funk, and I think some of it is due to how hard this whole baby makin' thing is. I think I tend to turn a lot of the "blame" onto myself; since it's my body with the issues. And I know what you're thinking.."It's not your fault!". And you'd be right. To a degree. No, the fact that I have PCOS is not my fault. But the fact that I've let it make me sad for so long- is. Yes, I've done a lot to help it; change in diet, acupuncture, no caffeine, very little alcohol; all things that you're supposed to do. So for that; I am proud of myself.

One thing I need to work on a lot harder though; is getting exercise. I sit ALL day. I have an hour commute in to work, and an hour back (which makes sense, considering the hour IN to work…) and I sit at a desk all day. Well, right there, that's 10 hours of sitting. Yes, I get up as often as I can during the day, but the majority is just sitting…sitting…sitting. And truthfully? It's exhausting. I hate it.

For the longest time, after I was diagnosed with PCOS, I just decided I'd focus on the things I was supposed to remove from my diet; sugar, wheat, dairy, and the weight would probably just come off naturally. Well, it didn't. But, I was indignant, and felt like I was eating healthfully, and just didn't have the mental energy to also try and portion control and exercise. So, I didn't. Oh, don't get me wrong. I've done some exercising since last June, but it hasn't been consistent enough to see results. And my portion controlling; well, that just hasn't happened.

I talked to Ian about it last weekend, and told him my frustrations. I told him that I WISHED that I could just do something like Jenny Craig, so that all my meals would be planned out for me and I wouldn't have to THINK about food. But, I have no interest in eating all those preservatives and chemicals; much less the wheat, dairy and sugar that is probably in all of the meals. I'm JUST SO TIRED of thinking about food. Anyway, my brilliant, supportive husband, suggested that every 2 weeks on Sunday, we plan out two weeks of meals. Make ahead as many things as possible (with healthy, organic foods) and freeze them. Anything we're not freezing, we'll just make sure we have the ingredients for, and I won't have to think about my meals; it will be planned. I know that meal planning isn't a new idea, but I've never tried it to this extreme; and I'm excited to see if it works.

As for the exercise, I belong to a gym and have MANY exercise DVDs, so I just need to get going and stick to it. I'm also going to plan THIS out (can you tell I like plans? I really do.) so that I won't have to think about it every day.

Anyway, I titled this "Change of Focus" because I've decided at least for now, I'm switching my focus from "trying-my-damnedest-to-get-knocked-up-already" to "just being a healthier me". Don’t get me wrong; I'll still be doing all I can to get a bun in the oven, but I need to focus on me and my health right now. I know it will help everything, and I'll feel better and happier in general. And that is important.

~M

a bit of randomness....

So, I don't have a specific topic today, per se, so... I'm sorry if this isn't a very interesting post. :) Just take heart that I'm entertaing myself, so, that's a bonus.

Firstly. I made cupcakes for a co-worker's birthday today. Yes, cupcakes that I cannot partake in. I know, I know. You're amazed at my generosity. She's really happy about it, so that makes me happy. Something funny; I frosted them while sitting on the couch watching The Biggest Loser. Hee hee.

Secondly. DUDE. Check out my fruit salad today! What is the deal with my fruit salad always having a face?? Today I feel like it has kiwi eyes AND a melon nose. Weird. I swear I am not doctoring these. They arrive just like this! (Maybe I just WANT to see a face in my fruit salad? You see it...right?)

Thirdly. (Is this a word?) I saw 20- TWENTY!- pregnant women on my way from the 1 train to the shuttle and through Grand Central Station today. This is about a 15 minute trip. I started counting after I saw 3 of them. So, this is either a good omen, OR the universe not being very nice and rubbing it in my face. Whatever, universe. That's just mean. Those women might be pregnant, but they don't have their very own fruit salad with a face! So... there.

On the fertility front; I'm on day 7 of the progesterone, so only 3 more days, then hopefully this useless cycle in which my ovaries just didn't do a damn thing, will be over. I'm so looking forward to just moving on. Next cycle will be more clomid, only this time a higher dose, and if that doesn't work, I have an appointment with a SUPER fancy fertilty doctor in May; more on that later.

Have a lovely day!

~M

sizing up sperm

So, remember that super fun game I showed you before? Well, Ian found it when he was reading about this cool special coming up on the National Geographic channel called "Sizing up Sperm". Basically it's a special that takes the sperm's journey to life size (using people to show how difficult their journey is). Here's the link to the video preview; it looks funny and interesting!

It's already shown twice, but the next showing is this Sunday at 2pm on the National Geographic Channel.

Also, on the "Sizing up Sperm" page, I learned some interesting facts:

Beating the Odds

Ever wonder how much luck is involved in getting pregnant? The sperm and egg have to be joined in a relationship with millions-to-one odds. But once the winning sperm triumphs, the miracle of life begins.

•Around 350,000 babies are born every day. (Whoa!)

•The male testicles hang freely in order to maintain a temperature that is three degrees cooler than the rest of the body, and they produce 1,000 sperm with every heartbeat. (That's a lotta sperms!)

•X and Y sperm are produced in almost equal numbers; girls (X) are thought to be faster, but boys (Y) live longer, so the race is wide open. (Equality among sperm!)

•The first sperm cell was officially ‘discovered’ in 1677 by a Dutchman named Antoine van Leeuwenhoek. (Well, sure. With a last name like Leeuwenhoek, what else are you going to be doing besides looking at semen under a microscope?)

•Only one percent of sperm that make it into the cervix have any chance of making it out alive.
(AWESOME. This does not sound promising for adding to my odds.)

•Nineteenth-century evolutionary psychologists believed that the purpose of the female orgasm was to keep a woman lying down longer after sex, keeping sperm in the body and increasing her probability of conception. (hmmm.....)

•More recently, it has been suggested the female orgasm evolved to create a stronger bond between lovers, increasing the chances of the couple staying together after a child is born. (I like this rationale better.)

•In ideal surroundings, sperm can live up to 5 days in a woman's body. (Go sperms go!)

Anyway, I hope you've enjoyed your little lesson about sperm for the day! If you want to learn more about "Sizing up Sperm" go here!

~M

a lucky gal

I'm truly lucky. I have a wonderful family, my health, a good job, and many wonderful friends. But what I'm most thankful for, is my amazing husband. He listens to me talk about my day, my hopes and dreams, and my worries, with an open heart. He's a calming influence on me when I get too "in my head" about things, and often provides me with good, helpful, rational solutions. He understands me like no one else, and is always there just to listen. I couldn't have asked for a better partner in life.

Thank you, husband. You're the best. I love you!

~M

proof

So, Ian is convinced that we'll have no trouble getting pregnant soon, b/c he totally aced this game.

~M

the 'rone- and other tools of the trade

So, as I discussed in my post a couple of days ago, I'm currently taking progesterone- or as I like to call it, "the 'rone"- to trick my body into thinking that it has ovulated. You see, my ovaries are lazy, and they don't plan on ovulating any time soon- even though they should have done so like 20 + days ago and even though I took clomid at the beginning of this cycle. So, I'm taking the 'rone to trick my body so that I'll finish up this cycle, so that I can start anew for the next cycle.
I'll be taking a higher dose of clomid to really kick those ovaries in the tush and get an egg out already! I'm a little nervous about it, and a little sad that I have to even take clomid. You see, when I started this whole endeavor back in June, I REALLY wanted to do everything naturally. Acupuncture, herbs, diet, whatever it took to regulate things. But, then with the PCOS diagnosis, and the fact that even with all of that, my cycles weren't changing; reality hit. I'd have to take some fertility drugs. This made me very sad. Somehow, it made me feel like less of a woman; like- my body can't do this on it's own. But, I have pretty much accepted it, and know it's just a reality of one of the things that my body needs to get knocked up.

Another thing I'm going to turn to this weekend, is my army of books that I've purchased since this whole endeavor began. I have books on fertility, and pregnancy, and metabolism (since PCOS is a metabolic disorder) and PCOS. I've read them all, but I think this weekend I'm going to flip through and read them again, just to see if I missed anything on the first read.

I like to be as educated as possible! It makes me feel like I have some control; although the reality is- I have very little! But, I like having a plan. So, my plan for the next few weeks: 'rone, clomid and more learnin'!

~M

a breakfast post

First of all- so happy it's Friday!! WOOO HOO!

Anyway, it's a gray, drizzly day here in New York, which actually always makes me happy and feel all Seattle-y and cozy. So, since it's Friday and all drizzly, I decided to stop and get a cup of decaf coffee on the way in to work. I stopped at Starbucks (yes, I know some people think Starbucks is the devil, but I like it, so shutty.) and while waiting in line I had to look at this:

Sigh. It's funny, because I haven't had anything like that for most of this last 9 months, but for some reason my on the wagon smack down declaration I made yesterday made me want these even MORE. But, I didn't get one. Just ordered my very boring decaf drip coffee, drooled a little on the damn pastry case, and made my way to work.

Once to work, I made myself a much more sensible breakfast. Plain oatmeal with flax seeds, apples and cinnamon. My go-to breakfast. Yum!

Anyway, I promise all my posts will NOT be about my food and pictures of my food, because frankly, that would be boring. I'll have a more interesting post up later today.

Happy Friday, all!

~M

lunch today

Here's my lunch today on day one of "super diligent eating smackdown". See that sad little piece of white bread in the corner? He's sad because he's all white flour-gluteny-dusted-with- parmesan-cheese, so he's getting the heave-ho.

Also, I think my fruit salad looks like it has kiwi eyes.

~M

totally radical, dude.

So, when I FIRST started acupuncture, my acupuncturist told me that I needed to radically change my diet in order to help things along. The changes included- no wheat, no dairy, no sugar. Also known as- NO FUN. But, I managed. Oh, I complained. A lot (sorry Ian). But I managed. I got pretty good at finding gluten free options for things. I did miss some things, but I eventually was fine with the changes. I also did feel better. So, that's a plus.

Then, I was diagnosed with PCOS. The very day I was diagnosed, I started looking online for more information about it, and also made a trip that night to Barnes and Noble. I always feel better about something like this when I'm armed with as much info as possible. So, I got a book and I read. There is no known cause or cure for PCOS, but you can manage it with diet and exercise and good livin'. If left untreated, PCOS can lead to wicked bad conditions such as heart disease, diabetes, infertility, and obesity. So, sadly, I read that I'd have to make even MORE restrictions to my diet. What more could I possibly restrict, you ask? It's funny you should ask, because I was totally just going to tell you.

Basically, you're recommended to eat a very low glycemic index diet. Basically, a diabetic diet. So, all those rice crackers I was eating? And the rice bread? And the super-awesome-happy-weekend-gluten-free-blueberry-waffles? Probably shouldn't have those either. BOOOO, I say. BOOOO.

Alas, I started out doing so well with my new layer of restrictions, but lately, I've just been getting annoyed with it all. I have not been nearly as diligent, and frequently get annoyed/pissy b/c I just want a some regular bread. And pie. And....cake. mmm....cake....

The even MORE annoying part? Cutting all of this stuff out of my diet for the last 9 months and not ONE pound was lost. In fact, I believe I've gained at least 5-8 pounds. MUTHAFUKKA! Not cool. OK, yes. It's not like I was TRYING as hard as I could. I wasn't diligently watching my portions or anything. But I didn't feel like I should have to! Because no regular bread! No cheese! No pancakes! And whine whine whine whiney whine!

ANYway...... the point of this post (I bet you're wondering about the point- since all I've done thus far is bitch and complain.... if you're still even reading. Sorry 'bout that.) is that I'm going to get hard core again. I'm going to follow my diet restrictions to a tee, and I'm ALSO going to control my portions. Also, I had been doing really pretty good with getting exercise, and then I got sick a couple of weeks ago, and TOTALLY fell off the wagon. Like, fell off the wagon and ran away from it. Well, I'm gettin' back on that wagon, baby.

So, wish me luck! I'm going to try to be super hard core about it until March 23rd. On March 23rd, I WILL have a piece of cake and celebrate my 33rd. But after that... back to the wagon. The gluten free, sugar free, dairy free, low glycemic index, wagon. Wheeeeeeee!

~M

shhhhhh! don't wake the ovaries!

So, as I mentioned yesterday, I had a doctor appt. yesterday evening. I had so much hope for this appt.! I just knew she'd take one look at my ovaries and tell me "Wow! Look at that huge follicle, just ready to drop a super-awesome egg!". And then I'd get all smug and say "Yeah, I figured. I mean, my ovaries might be kinda slow and all polycystic and whatnot, but they are rockstars when they need to be."

This, sadly, is not how it went.

First off- I waited not one, but TWO HOURS in the waiting room! Annoying. I did get caught up on my 'Glamour' and 'InStyle' magazines though. So that's a plus.

Anyhoo... once I was in there, I showed her my temp. chart and she agreed that I had definitely not ovulated. Then we took a look at my ovaries. They are doing NOTHING. They are just chillin' not doing a darn THING. Nothing. "Um, Hello ovaries??? You're EMBARRASSING me with your laziness! We have company! C'mon! Up and at 'em!" Sigh. They're just sleeping. Lazy ovaries.

I do think that I'm done with this doctor though. She's not a fertility doc, in her defense. But she was already saying that maybe I should just jump right to doing IVF. Yikes! Um, no thanks! Not ready for that yet! I think she's just tired of seeing me and getting no results. Yeah, me too doc! Anyway, she gave me a prescription for progesterone to hurry things along and get this cycle over with already, and then one for the next level of Clomid- to REALLY kick my lazy ovaries in the ass. Do ovaries HAVE asses? Not sure.

So... now we wait.

This is my LEAST favorite part. The waiting. Oh well. Onward!

~M

welcome!

Hello, and welcome to my blog!

My name is Mariah and I live with my amazing husband in New York City. We started trying to get pregnant in June of 2009, and have been unsuccessful thus far. I started this so I'd have a place to vent about all things fertility, since it's all I seem to think about! I think maybe like 2 people will read this entry, so, it probably doesn't matter much what I say. :)

Ian and I got married in August of 2004. The thought of children wasn't even close to on our minds at that point, but we knew it was definitely in the future. At the end of 2006 we uprooted ourselves from our comfortable life in Seatle, WA, to move to New York City to pursue and adventure. Both of us did theater in Seattle, so we thought we may try and pursue that; but mostly we just wanted to have an exciting adventure.

In 2007 and 2008, I saw many friends getting pregnant and having kids, but we still had debt, and just didn't feel quite ready yet. However, by the end of 2009 I paid off all my debt, turned 32, and figured it was now or never. We both finally felt really ready. I had always had an irregular cycle, but every doctor I saw just brushed it off saying "you probably are just one of those women with an unpredictable cycle" and left it at that. So, we started trying. I bought books on fertility, started reading everything online that I could find, and made my initial visit to an OBGYN. I hadn't had my period for 11 weeks at that point, so I went to her to get checked out. She suggested acupuncture to get my cycles more regular, and I called that day to set it up. I've been doing acupuncture weekly since June, and I love it. My acupuncturist is amazing and has been so supportive and lovely through the whole process.

Once I started my first cycle of "trying", I was totally optimistic that it was going to happen quickly for us. Even though I said outwardly, "oh, we're in no hurry, it will happen when it happens", in my head I thought, "We are going to ROCK this! I bet it happens on the first try! People all over the world will MARVEL at our super fast knocked-up-ed-ness! We have super eggs and super sperm and this is going to be no trouble at ALL!"

But…. month after month went by and nothing. In November I was diagnosed with Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome; which explained my long, sporadic cycles, and also probably explains why I've always had trouble losing weight. I was sad about this, because PCOS makes it all the more difficult to get pregnant. Every website and book that I read said, "It's not impossible to get pregnant with PCOS, just more difficult." This should have made me feel better, but, it didn't.

(um, I don't think I'm good at "summarizing". This is a LONG summary. Sorry.)

I did a lot of research. I modified my diet, read a lot of books. Also, we tested Ian's sperm just to make sure he was ok, and he was. He totally has super sperms. :) He's very proud of that.

At this point, I'm on my 7th cycle (in 9 months). I did clomid this cycle, but as I'm on day 38 and have not yet ovulated; it doesn't seem to have done anything. I'm going in to the doctor today though, and we'll see what she says! I may just have to wait until next cycle and try another round of a higher dose of clomid.

It's been a fairly emotional roller coaster ride. Each cycle I'd try not to get my hopes up, but each cycle I did. I planned on how I'd tell our parents if we got pregnant around Christmas time, I planned on how I'd tell my husband on New Year's or Valentine's day…. Each cycle to be let down. And every new cycle I'd start out cautiously, and by the end be so hopeful and worked up, it was worse than the last.

Also, I have a bit of guilt about whining about it. I know that there are people who try for YEARS and nothing happens. And I realize we're only at 9 months, and I should just relax. But, when you're doing acupuncture weekly, taking your temperature every day, taking Chinese herbs multiple times a day, modifying your diet to a really annoying degree, and stuck at a desk job with NOTHING to do except browse blogs about babies… well…it's hard to relax. :) But I'm really trying, because I know that there could be a long road ahead.

I remain totally optimistic though. I really want us to be parents, and I think we'd be good ones. So, now I'm sharing all of my super private baby makin' business with the internets. I'm really hopeful that this blog will turn into a blog about trying to get pregnant, to someday about BEING pregnant, and finally to being a mom. My very own splendid endeavor.

~M