a weighty issue

My scale was not my friend this morning. Well, I guess it has never really been my friend. I knew I was retaining water this morning, and my pants felt a tiny bit snug, so I thought "hmm... I haven't weighed myself in a while, maybe I should just see where I am." Yeah. I kind of wish I hadn't done that. I realize I share a lot on this blog, but, dear readers, I will not be telling you my weight. I am TOO embarrassed by it. But, I have gained about 8 pounds this month. WHAT??? GAH.

I hate that it's so easy for me to gain weight and so difficult to lose it. When I first was diagnosed with PCOS, and read that one of the symptoms for many women was "difficulty losing weight" I was partially relieved to know that it wasn't my fault. But now I'm just mad. Really mad.

I hate that my weight is always on my mind. Every second; really- not an exaggeration. I'm so tired of thinking about it; it's exhausting. I feel like a broken record. But I know that it will never be something I can't focus on. It will be my lifelong struggle. And I realize that everyone has something like that, and I'm not unique in this regard. Everyone has a thing they perpetually struggle with.

Anyway, I've decided because of this, that I'm not going to do clomid this month. Instead, I'm going to use this month to just focus on losing some weight. I want to be as healthy as possible when I have my appointment with Dr. Sami David in May. This was a hard decision to make, because I was really looking forward to doing another round of clomid; hoping that it would really do what it was supposed to this time. The fact that I had a prescription for a higher dose just made me hopeful. But; it's more important that I'm healthy. So, this next cycle is just going to be all about trying to be healthier. Because baby or no baby, my health is vital. And I think it's time to take a little break from being so baby focused, and just focus on me. Because when baby Fraser DOES show up, I want to be a shining example of health and happiness for our little wee one.

~M