changes

So, I will admit; I have become a bit of a blog reading addict. As soon as we started trying to get pregnant, I started researching everything I could. And then I stumbled upon baby blogs! Oh how fun! I get to read about a woman's pregnancy from beginning to end- I was stoked. And I learned about all sorts of fun products, saw lots of cute pictures. I couldn't read enough of them. It was fun! Because, ignorantly, I thought I was going to get pregnant right away. So, I felt like, "Ok, any day now, I'm totally going to join this club and be able to have my own experiences with pregnancy!" I even bought pregnancy books. Not fertility books; because, how hard could it be, right? You just have unprotected sex and BAM! BABY TIME!

yeah. Not quite how it worked out.

So, now, I have all these blogs bookmarked. I still read them every day. But in the last month, it kind of hurts to read them. It makes me feel like I'm reading about this exclusive club that I'm not allowed to join. Hearing people talk about the first time they felt their baby kick, or morning sickness, or ultrasounds, just makes me bummed. Why do I keep reading them? I don't know. Because maybe I feel like I'm still doing research? Honestly- sometimes reading everything I can about it makes me feel like I have control over SOMEthing in this process. Because in reality, I have control over very little.

So, I read my blogs, and get kind of sad. Some days I do manage to just ignore them. Some days I really do want to know what's happening in this person's life, and I check them. And, am genuinely happy for them, and also, genuinely sad for me. And my stack of pregnancy books, well, they sit collecting dust on my night stand; underneath my many, many books on fertility, PCOS, and hormones. Last night I finally put the pregnancy books in the drawer in my nightstand; no use having them out until I actually need them.

Next Wednesday will mark one year that we've been trying to get pregnant. It's been a bittersweet ride so far. Once you have been trying for a year with no pregnancy, you are officially infertile. Not really a goal I wanted to reach, but I realize that we may still have a long road ahead, so I have to keep my chin up and keep moving forward.

And maybe focus more on reading non-baby blogs.

~M

the 'rone- and other tools of the trade

So, as I discussed in my post a couple of days ago, I'm currently taking progesterone- or as I like to call it, "the 'rone"- to trick my body into thinking that it has ovulated. You see, my ovaries are lazy, and they don't plan on ovulating any time soon- even though they should have done so like 20 + days ago and even though I took clomid at the beginning of this cycle. So, I'm taking the 'rone to trick my body so that I'll finish up this cycle, so that I can start anew for the next cycle.
I'll be taking a higher dose of clomid to really kick those ovaries in the tush and get an egg out already! I'm a little nervous about it, and a little sad that I have to even take clomid. You see, when I started this whole endeavor back in June, I REALLY wanted to do everything naturally. Acupuncture, herbs, diet, whatever it took to regulate things. But, then with the PCOS diagnosis, and the fact that even with all of that, my cycles weren't changing; reality hit. I'd have to take some fertility drugs. This made me very sad. Somehow, it made me feel like less of a woman; like- my body can't do this on it's own. But, I have pretty much accepted it, and know it's just a reality of one of the things that my body needs to get knocked up.

Another thing I'm going to turn to this weekend, is my army of books that I've purchased since this whole endeavor began. I have books on fertility, and pregnancy, and metabolism (since PCOS is a metabolic disorder) and PCOS. I've read them all, but I think this weekend I'm going to flip through and read them again, just to see if I missed anything on the first read.

I like to be as educated as possible! It makes me feel like I have some control; although the reality is- I have very little! But, I like having a plan. So, my plan for the next few weeks: 'rone, clomid and more learnin'!

~M