it's clomid day!

Hurray hurray for clomid day! It's day four of my brand spankin new cycle and time to start my clomid and dexamethasone! The lovely drug cocktail that caused my ovary to create one lovely follicle last cycle. No, I didn't get pregnant, but, with only a 25% chance each cycle, it's not that surprising.

But, it's a new cycle and I'm really hopeful that it will be a close to normal length.

Wow. I don't have a lot of interesting things to report today.

Mostly, just excited to start a brand new cycle with brand new hopes. :)

~M

P.S. I got a sweet love note from my mister this morning. It made me all sorts of happy and reminded me yet again how lucky I am to have found such a wonderful guy.

let's start at the very beginning

So, my uber cycle is finally over. It lasted a whopping 85 days, but it's DONE. It started on April 3rd! Holy cow.

Now we are on day 2 of a brand new cycle, and I'm pleased to be done with the cycle that would never end. I called my Dr. this morning and we now have an action plan for this new cycle.

So, it's quite similar to the end of my last cycle- I'll be starting clomid and dexamethasone on day 4 through day 10. Then, on day 13, I'll go in for a sonogram to see if my little follicle is all ready to go, and also to do another post coital test to see if the baking soda is working to not kill sperms. So, you guys, I could potentially have a normal cycle this time! I'm not going to get ahead of myself, but I think it's entirely possible. A cycle over in a month? Crazy talk. We'll see. :)

~M

New day

Well, I can't say that yesterday's news rocked me to the core. Because, well, I just kind of KNEW I wasn't pregnant. I tried really hard to think positively, but- I just knew on some level. Oh, I hoped I was wrong. When I asked my friend Kristin what her pregnancy symptoms were she said she really hadn't had any except some weird vivid dreams. So, I thought, "Ok! I'm just not going to have any symptoms! I could totally be pregnant."

Well, nope. Not how it worked out.

Yesterday I waited ALL DAY to get my results. I went in at 8:30am to get blood drawn and confirmed with the test lady that my test results would get to my Dr. that day. She said yes, no problem. Well, I called about halfway through the day and they said "No results yet, but we'll call you when we get them." So, I waited.

And waited, until 4:55. I called the office and it went straight to voicemail. I was SO upset. All day, sitting here with my stomach in knots and no call. Then, suddenly, when I hung up my phone, it made the voicemail noise. It said that a message had been left at 2:30! My phone was attached to me all day, and for some stupid reason, it never rang. The voicemail symbol never showed up. Until right then, after I'd waited stressfully all day. In the message, the nice nurse apologized for leaving this information over the phone, but unfortunately, your test is negative. Please discontinue the progesterone and call when you get your period and we'll discuss the next steps.

I was sad. Very slightly relieved in a way, to know, but mostly- just sad. Frustrated. Kind of mad. And you know what really SUCKS about living in a city where you don't drive? No rushing to your car to cry on your way home. Too many people around for me to cry while walking down the street. So, I think I shed about 2 tears at my desk, and then realized if I let it go any further, I wouldn't be able to stop and I didn't want to have to explain anything to my co-workers. Once 5pm hit, I just hightailed it out of the building and headed to the subway. I put my ipod on, knowing music would help. But what kind? Well, happy music would just make me mad. Sad music would make things worse. So, I chose angry music. Angry, grunge-girl-band-from-the-90's, very yelly music. And it REALLY helped. It was like they were getting all my anger/frustration out for me. I just leaned back and closed my eyes and let it sort of wash over me. Sadness, frustration, it all slowly left. By the time I was only about 20 minutes from being home, I felt a lot better.

Then, at 145th street, a little boy (probably 3 or 4) got on the train with his mom. He plopped down right next to me and opened up the book he was reading; "Oh the Places You'll Go", by Dr. Seuss. He was pretty small, and he smelled like grape bubblegum. He had dark hair and really big brown eyes. He kept turning the pages and pointing and looking up at me and saying "See?". I would just smile and say "Cool!" He seemed to really like it when I showed interest, so he kept pointing at more and more pictures; "See? See? See?" It was very cute. And it made me a little sad, because I sure want one of those little guys, but I read one of the paragraphs in his book and it put things into perspective a bit:

"And when you're alone, there's a very good chance
you'll meet things that scare you right out of your pants.
There are some, down the road between hither and yon,
that can scare you so much you won't want to go on. "

It's true. This negative test DID scare me a bit. Because, sure, maybe next time it will work! Or, the time after! But, maybe it never will. And that would really suck. And I've thought about this and thought, "Maybe we should just stop now. It's too hard."

But, then today, I decided to look up the text of the rest of the book, and found this paragraph at the end:

"You'll get mixed up, of course,
as you already know.
You'll get mixed up
with many strange birds as you go.
So be sure when you step.
Step with care and great tact
and remember that Life's
a Great Balancing Act.
Just never forget to be dexterous and deft.
And never mix up your right foot with your left.

And will you succeed?
Yes! You will, indeed!
(98 and 3/4 percent guaranteed.)"

So...it seems as though Dr. Seuss thinks we will succeed. And that's good enough for me. :) Thanks, cute little boy on the subway, for sharing your wise book with me for 40 blocks.

I feel a lot better today, and just am excited to start a new cycle and just keep on keepin' on. With the world's best husband at my side, I think we've got a pretty good chance at making this work.

~M

FYI

Not pregnant.

Don't really feel like writing any more than that right now.

More later.

~M

what can I say?

So, I'm not sure if I can blog anymore until next week. I just have no idea what to say, and I'm afraid if I spill out ALL that I'm thinking; well, it'll just be a bunch of crazy-on-a-page.
It's funny when you're waiting for the results of anything, really: You can say "oh, I'm not going to get my hopes up", but really, that's just what you're saying. At least for me. I SAY I don't want to get my hopes up, but really, my hopes are probably up. And that makes me really nervous, because I remember quite well the feeling of having your hopes dashed- and it totally blows.

So, I just don't know what to say until Wednesday. Any woman out there will attest to the fact that PMS can (and pretty much always does for me) make you a big ball o' crazy. Weepy, annoyed, bloated, and just not thinking very clearly. So, add to this that you're waiting 4 more days to have a stranger call you and tell you if you're pregnant; well, it's not a fun feeling.

Everyone says "think positive", but I don't think this is something that will help me. I'm trying to protect myself, and "thinking positive" doesn't make babies. Sorry, but it just doesn't. I'm usually a fairly positive person, and so if that's all it took, I'd have been pregnant long ago. (See? If I keep doing entries for the next 4 days, you're going to get all these pissy, downer entries.)

Anyway, if you don't hear from me for a few days, that's why. If I think of something interesting to write about besides "I'm pissy and grumpy and anxious!" (pissy and anxious are the two dwarves that Snow White just kept hidden.) then I'll make sure to blog, otherwise, I may take a couple days off.

Regardless, I DO hope you all have a LOVELY weekend! I'm going to rest (I have a stupid cold- and my last weekend was QUITE stressful) and just enjoy the time off with my hubby.

~M

bluh.

Today, that's how I feel. Feeling quite PMS-ish. Feeling a lot like this guy right here:



No, not sweet and fluffy; large and bloated. Wheee.

Now if it turns out I'm pregnant, I won't care one darn hoot about being all bloated and sluggish. If not? GRRR. Stupid PMS.

~M

the waiting game

Sorry it's been a couple of days since my last post, but, well, I'm just sitting here waiting to see if we managed to knock me up. It's a long, tedious wait. Ok, I only have 7 more days, but still. It FEELS long. And.. the universe's cruelest joke? Pregnancy symptoms are the same as PMS symptoms. Yep. So, you can be like, "OMG! I'm totally nauseated!" or "YAY, a headache and cramps!" because you just finished googling "early pregnancy symptoms" and whaddya know! There they are! Oh... but, then you google "PMS symptoms"... and...whaddya know.... there they are again.

So really? There's just no way to tell. Some women are all, "Oh, I just knew." Yeah. I have a feeling that won't be me.

Ian went to the urologist yesterday to discuss his sperm morphology, etc. After an exam he said it doesn't seem as though there's anything physically wrong, which is good. He did, however, tell us about eleventy billion tests that would be good for him to do to help determine things like: Does his body create anti-sperm antibodies that kill the sperm? Do his sperms have good, healthy DNA structures? Etc., etc. And, I guess it's probably good for us to do these tests to rule things out. But, they are SPENDY. I'm hoping that they're somewhat covered by our insurance. We aren't going to do them until after I take my test on Wednesday though.

Man, conceiving can be COMPLICATED! There are so many things that can be wrong- it's crazy!

Oh, also, I don't know if I should take this as an omen or not, but today I got an email with this title:

"June Sale at Early-Pregnancy-Tests.com‏"

HA.

That's ok, early-pregnancy-tests.com. But thanks for the offer.

In the body of the email they also asked me if I wanted to look at the gallery of positive pregnancy test photos.

Um, no.

That's like asking an alcoholic, "Hey, wanna look at this gallery of ice cold refreshing beer photos?"

Ok, it's not EXACTLY the same, but c'mon! Jeez.

Anyway- just continuing to wait, and wait. 7 days? Suddenly the rest of this so far 75 day cycle doesn't seem so long....

~M

AWWW yeah!

Ovu-lay-sheee-ohn!

Check it! (Click to enlarge)

Wahoooooo! :)

~M

DOA

Ok, so, the doctor's appointment went really well! He did a sonogram of my insides and saw that I had a healthy, mature follicle on my right ovary! WOOT! So, they gave me a shot to trigger the ovulation, and I should ovulate in the next two days. YES! So, that is very, very exciting to me. I'll be taking progesterone starting on the 16th to support the pregnancy (if one is achieved) and then going in for a blood pregnancy test the following week. I suspect that will be a very long week and a half!

So, why the title "DOA" you ask? (oh, you forgot that was the title, and you don't really care? Well, too bad! You're going to hear it!) Anyway, it appears as though, having PCOS and poor sperm morphology wasn't QUITE enough cards stacked against us. It seems as though, my cervical mucus is acidic and is killing all of the sperms as soon as they arrive! Um, WHAT? Yep. The doc even showed them to me on a slide. A whole bunch of spermies and they were all dead. Sigh. The good news? It's a fairly easy fix! I just have to…umm.. (I hate this word) douche with baking soda and water and it makes it all alkaline and friendly for the guys! So, that's good news- I hope it works!

Anyway, I'm very hopeful about all of this. I am definitely going to ovulate in the next few days, and that's nice to know- no more guessing! And, there's a plan. It feels good when there's a plan.

So, keep your fingers crossed for me! And have a lovely weekend!

~M

yay!

Alright. So, remember when I said I was getting blood work done to see if I was ready to ovulate? Well, I got it done this morning, and the doctor's office called and just said it looks like I will ovulate soon! They can't tell when exactly, but tonight Ian and I get to knock boots and then I'm going in for my post coital exam, AND a sonogram to look at my ovaries to see how close we are.

So! All sorts of answers could be coming. Which is quite exciting to me after 70 days of this damn cycle so far.

So, cross your fingers y'all! Ovulation is just around the corner it seems!

My friend Kristin says that I should have an ovulation party every time it happens since it's so infrequent. I just may. :)

~M

P.S. The nurse who called me said that we should have "relations" tonight. It almost made me giggle.

you down with opk?

Ok, that title was dumb. I apologize.

(For those of you not "hip" to the "cool, new" songs- that was a reference to the song "OPP". And, for those of you not down with the pregnancy lingos... OPK is an Ovulation Predictor Kit.)

There, now that we have that settled....

OPK's don't really work for me. I can't say for certain if they never will, but because my cycle is so erratic, it's hard to know when to use them. OPK's detect the Luteinizing Hormone (LH) surge which occurs approximately 24-36 hours prior to ovulation. So, another factor is that some people just don't have a very strong LH surge, so they may not work for some people. Which could be me, who knows. Now also, if you've ever purchased them, you know they are NOT cheap. Well, when I first started out, I bought this device. It is cheaper in the long run. However, when you have a long cycle, these aren't the best. And once you hit like 45 days or something, it's like "oh, hold up! Your cycle length is unacceptable. I refuse to continue." So, maybe if my cycles start regulating (like with clomid) it will be a better option... however, it also has been said that OPK's don't work sometimes when a person is taking clomid.

So, that's helpful.

Anyway, once I had NEVER seen a positive on my OPK machine, and once I passed the 45 day mark and it wouldn't work for me, I stopped using it. Now, I could have gone and purchased the individual ones, but seriously they are SPENDY, and I never know when I'm going to ovulate. So, at $40 for a box of 7, and I'm on cycle day 68 now... well, I'd be spending a LOT of money on something I don't know if it would even work.

However.... this week I bought some. Because I just finished my clomid/dexamethasone 6 day treatment to try and trigger ovulation, so I thought, maybe this time! So, I took one last night, and this afternoon, and was greeted by this:

And, just so you know, that is a big 'ol negative. Because if you are fertile, the test looks like this:

See? All smiley. And my test result above is all faceless and sad. BOO. Just ONCE I'd like to see that damn smiley. It sure would be helpful. Anyway, I have 5 tests left and will see this week if I can get that smiley face to pop up.

:)

~M

my chart

So, as I mentioned before, I wanted to start entering my charts in on fertility friend so that I could have electronic copies of them. I've only succeeded in finishing my most recent one. Well, not FINISHING, because I haven't ovulated, but, it's up to date.

Here she is (click to enlarge):

Oh, and for reference, here's a "normal" chart to compare it to:


now, granted, I know many people don't have a chart as perfect as the one above, but, boy, what a difference between that one and my current chart! Crazy.

Anyway, yesterday I watched a documentary called Scrambled about PCOS. It was fairly interesting; if not a little long. I'll write more about that tomorrow.

Ah, Monday. You are not my favorite.


:)


~M

changes

So, I will admit; I have become a bit of a blog reading addict. As soon as we started trying to get pregnant, I started researching everything I could. And then I stumbled upon baby blogs! Oh how fun! I get to read about a woman's pregnancy from beginning to end- I was stoked. And I learned about all sorts of fun products, saw lots of cute pictures. I couldn't read enough of them. It was fun! Because, ignorantly, I thought I was going to get pregnant right away. So, I felt like, "Ok, any day now, I'm totally going to join this club and be able to have my own experiences with pregnancy!" I even bought pregnancy books. Not fertility books; because, how hard could it be, right? You just have unprotected sex and BAM! BABY TIME!

yeah. Not quite how it worked out.

So, now, I have all these blogs bookmarked. I still read them every day. But in the last month, it kind of hurts to read them. It makes me feel like I'm reading about this exclusive club that I'm not allowed to join. Hearing people talk about the first time they felt their baby kick, or morning sickness, or ultrasounds, just makes me bummed. Why do I keep reading them? I don't know. Because maybe I feel like I'm still doing research? Honestly- sometimes reading everything I can about it makes me feel like I have control over SOMEthing in this process. Because in reality, I have control over very little.

So, I read my blogs, and get kind of sad. Some days I do manage to just ignore them. Some days I really do want to know what's happening in this person's life, and I check them. And, am genuinely happy for them, and also, genuinely sad for me. And my stack of pregnancy books, well, they sit collecting dust on my night stand; underneath my many, many books on fertility, PCOS, and hormones. Last night I finally put the pregnancy books in the drawer in my nightstand; no use having them out until I actually need them.

Next Wednesday will mark one year that we've been trying to get pregnant. It's been a bittersweet ride so far. Once you have been trying for a year with no pregnancy, you are officially infertile. Not really a goal I wanted to reach, but I realize that we may still have a long road ahead, so I have to keep my chin up and keep moving forward.

And maybe focus more on reading non-baby blogs.

~M

this, that and the other

Well, I've been putting off writing in the old blog, because well, I'm having a hard time. About what, you might ask? Oh, just all of it. I'm just plain tired.

First of all, I've been feeling weird about blogging lately. Because I can feel myself not being entirely open sometimes- just because some of this is hard to share. And really tiring to re-cap. And I know I don't HAVE to tell the blogosphere everything, or tell the whole truth, but it feels all false if I don't. I know I'm under no obligation, but it feels like since I started this, I need to keep going. Sometimes it feels a bit like being naked in front of people. I know that sounds dramatic, but, it does. Sometimes I think, "I don't want to do this anymore. I'm going to stop. It's too hard." but, even if no one reads it; I do want to have it for posterity, and to look back on. Interestingly enough, I often feel the way about all this babymakin'- "I don't want to do this anymore. I'm going to stop. It's too hard." Do I really want to stop? No. Still, it's hard. Anyway. That's just a few things that have been going on in my head.

So, on to the Dr. appt. It was kind of uneventful, but also there's a sort of plan in place. First off, I still have not yet ovulated. It is now day 62. That means most women would have had two full cycles at this point, and I haven't even ovulated yet. GAH. Anyway, so, I got a cervical culture to see if the ureaplasma has gone bye-bye; which I'm really hoping it has. Ian is being tested too. So, I hope it went away, because I suuuure hate antibiotics. The tests should be back in a few days, so cross your fingers.

First of all, I'll have you know that I went in with a list of questions to ask him. I was going to be so good at asking questions. A question asking machine. Little did I know that he was going to be doing my cervical culture (last time a nurse did it) so most of my talking time with him was sans pants. That didn’t sound right. Ok, I was sans pants, he did have pants on. Now, I don't know about you, but when my lady bits are all out in the open and my feet are in stirrups, sometimes it's hard to remember what you were going to say. And I HATE how fast Dr. appts are sometimes. Sometimes I need a few moments to process things, and if things move too quickly, I get flustered. And say things like "great! sounds good!" when really I want to say, "um, what? repeat that please?" Anyway, next time I go in, I'm bringing a notepad with my questions written down. (Thanks to my lovely acupuncturist for that suggestion.)

He prescribed me two drugs to push my ovulation. Clomid and Dexamethasone. Now, as you'll recall, I've taken Clomid before, and it did nothing for me. However, the research I've done with Dr. Google tells me that often times when patients (especially PCOS patients) don't respond to Clomid alone, it is paired with Dexamethasone (a steroid) and it yields better results. I'm not sure why; there are many possible reasons listed that I won't bore you with. So, I take them for 6 days, then go get a blood test four days after finishing, to see if I'm close to ovulation. If the blood test comes back and says that I am close, then next step is a post coital test. Which is exactly what it sounds like. If the numbers look good on the blood test (my estradiol and progesterone) then we "do the deed" and go in to the office the next morning. Then he checks a drop of cervical fluid (hey, am I totally grossing you out yet?) to see how many swimmers are in it. If there are an acceptable amount, and enough of them have good morphology, then he will tell us that we don't need an IUI and perhaps with the help of an ovulation pushing drug, we can just conceive naturally. If there are NOT enough, or not enough of them have good morphology, then my guess is he'll suggest we do an IUI. So, that's the plan for now. Does it feel good to have a plan? Sort of. My worry is that it won't go the way it's supposed to. Like, what if I don't ovulate after I take this medication? I know, I know. I need to quit thinking like that. It's hard not to though. When your cycles are so long, it starts to feel like they won't ever end. But, this is the plan as of today.

Ian is still dealing with quite a bit of pain, and that is really hard. I feel so bad for him. I know that he keeps saying baby makin' is his number one priority, but to me, my number one priority is for him to feel better. My acupuncturist knows of a physical therapist that deals with his kind of pain, and has helped a lot of people, so Ian is making an appointment with her. I'm really hoping it helps. I just feel so bad for him. :( He turned his desk at work into a standing desk, because it was too hard to sit all day! :( Poor guy.

So, that's what's up. Not very glamorous, not very exciting. It's hard. Stressful. Frustrating. But, I have an amazing partner, and wonderful friends and family, so, this helps immensely.

Day by day. I just need to focus on each individual day. Not easy, but I think necessary.

~M

*BTW, wouldn't it be fun if all pills looked like the picture above? I think we should work on that.

photo found here

the fair

Hey, you know where they DON'T have healthy food?

At fairs.

But that's ok. :) We still had a really good time in Peekskill, NY at the carnival. Well, we didn't do many carnival things, b/c well, it was pretty much just kids and fried food and rides. And rides are EXPENSIVE! We were going to go on the ferris wheel, but figured it would be $10 a piece to ride it! um, no. We packed a little lunch of healthy food and ate it at a picnic table in a nearby park. Then we wandered around Peekskill to see what we could see. There wasn't much, honestly. Walked a few miles, got a little sunburn (it was HOT!), and had some really good conversations with my man. Took a train ride, and just generally had a lovely little day.

I have a Dr. appointment today. We're going to make sure the antibiotic killed the ureaplasma and I'm going to ask him about my next cycle and maybe clomid and ask about IUI and if he thinks I need that. Still haven't ovulated, so we'll see what he says about that as well.

Anyway, very happy to have had a 3 day weekend! I hope you're all well!

~M