So, I will admit; I have become a bit of a blog reading addict. As soon as we started trying to get pregnant, I started researching everything I could. And then I stumbled upon baby blogs! Oh how fun! I get to read about a woman's pregnancy from beginning to end- I was stoked. And I learned about all sorts of fun products, saw lots of cute pictures. I couldn't read enough of them. It was fun! Because, ignorantly, I thought I was going to get pregnant right away. So, I felt like, "Ok, any day now, I'm totally going to join this club and be able to have my own experiences with pregnancy!" I even bought pregnancy books. Not fertility books; because, how hard could it be, right? You just have unprotected sex and BAM! BABY TIME!
yeah. Not quite how it worked out.
So, now, I have all these blogs bookmarked. I still read them every day. But in the last month, it kind of hurts to read them. It makes me feel like I'm reading about this exclusive club that I'm not allowed to join. Hearing people talk about the first time they felt their baby kick, or morning sickness, or ultrasounds, just makes me bummed. Why do I keep reading them? I don't know. Because maybe I feel like I'm still doing research? Honestly- sometimes reading everything I can about it makes me feel like I have control over SOMEthing in this process. Because in reality, I have control over very little.
So, I read my blogs, and get kind of sad. Some days I do manage to just ignore them. Some days I really do want to know what's happening in this person's life, and I check them. And, am genuinely happy for them, and also, genuinely sad for me. And my stack of pregnancy books, well, they sit collecting dust on my night stand; underneath my many, many books on fertility, PCOS, and hormones. Last night I finally put the pregnancy books in the drawer in my nightstand; no use having them out until I actually need them.
Next Wednesday will mark one year that we've been trying to get pregnant. It's been a bittersweet ride so far. Once you have been trying for a year with no pregnancy, you are officially infertile. Not really a goal I wanted to reach, but I realize that we may still have a long road ahead, so I have to keep my chin up and keep moving forward.
And maybe focus more on reading non-baby blogs.
~M
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totally hear 'ya ... i feel like if i even *look* at a cool stroller online or some cute handmade baby item on etsy it's going to jinx the whole thing.
ReplyDeletei actually just recycled all my fertility books when we moved a couple weeks ago ... i felt like, "what more depressing stuff do i actually want to read about?" and i was hoping? that maybe? that would be a signal to the universe or something? who knows ... i also thought it would be super easy for me ... it was for my twin sister! i stupidly waited until after my wedding to get off my pill ... 'cuz i didn't want to take any chances. ha! cracks me up now.
i'm excited for your new plan ... i am continuing to send good vibes your way!
One thing that helps me is that every month that I'm not pregnant, I pick some project to tackle around the house, and try to think of that as "God's way of giving me a little more time to prepare our home for a baby."
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If I'm not pregnant this month, I'll finish painting our bedroom, and our kitchen cabinets (and finally getting that new countertop installed), and next month if it's still no "news" then I'll be staining our porch, and tackling some other landscaping projects that I have been meaning to do... I always think of how busy a baby makes you, and it's a good busy, but I try to keep myself occupied and grateful for the free time I have now to do things I might not be able to do for five years once we have a baby! Hang in there... (I'm on 18 months now, I think?)
sending you love.
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