New day

Well, I can't say that yesterday's news rocked me to the core. Because, well, I just kind of KNEW I wasn't pregnant. I tried really hard to think positively, but- I just knew on some level. Oh, I hoped I was wrong. When I asked my friend Kristin what her pregnancy symptoms were she said she really hadn't had any except some weird vivid dreams. So, I thought, "Ok! I'm just not going to have any symptoms! I could totally be pregnant."

Well, nope. Not how it worked out.

Yesterday I waited ALL DAY to get my results. I went in at 8:30am to get blood drawn and confirmed with the test lady that my test results would get to my Dr. that day. She said yes, no problem. Well, I called about halfway through the day and they said "No results yet, but we'll call you when we get them." So, I waited.

And waited, until 4:55. I called the office and it went straight to voicemail. I was SO upset. All day, sitting here with my stomach in knots and no call. Then, suddenly, when I hung up my phone, it made the voicemail noise. It said that a message had been left at 2:30! My phone was attached to me all day, and for some stupid reason, it never rang. The voicemail symbol never showed up. Until right then, after I'd waited stressfully all day. In the message, the nice nurse apologized for leaving this information over the phone, but unfortunately, your test is negative. Please discontinue the progesterone and call when you get your period and we'll discuss the next steps.

I was sad. Very slightly relieved in a way, to know, but mostly- just sad. Frustrated. Kind of mad. And you know what really SUCKS about living in a city where you don't drive? No rushing to your car to cry on your way home. Too many people around for me to cry while walking down the street. So, I think I shed about 2 tears at my desk, and then realized if I let it go any further, I wouldn't be able to stop and I didn't want to have to explain anything to my co-workers. Once 5pm hit, I just hightailed it out of the building and headed to the subway. I put my ipod on, knowing music would help. But what kind? Well, happy music would just make me mad. Sad music would make things worse. So, I chose angry music. Angry, grunge-girl-band-from-the-90's, very yelly music. And it REALLY helped. It was like they were getting all my anger/frustration out for me. I just leaned back and closed my eyes and let it sort of wash over me. Sadness, frustration, it all slowly left. By the time I was only about 20 minutes from being home, I felt a lot better.

Then, at 145th street, a little boy (probably 3 or 4) got on the train with his mom. He plopped down right next to me and opened up the book he was reading; "Oh the Places You'll Go", by Dr. Seuss. He was pretty small, and he smelled like grape bubblegum. He had dark hair and really big brown eyes. He kept turning the pages and pointing and looking up at me and saying "See?". I would just smile and say "Cool!" He seemed to really like it when I showed interest, so he kept pointing at more and more pictures; "See? See? See?" It was very cute. And it made me a little sad, because I sure want one of those little guys, but I read one of the paragraphs in his book and it put things into perspective a bit:

"And when you're alone, there's a very good chance
you'll meet things that scare you right out of your pants.
There are some, down the road between hither and yon,
that can scare you so much you won't want to go on. "

It's true. This negative test DID scare me a bit. Because, sure, maybe next time it will work! Or, the time after! But, maybe it never will. And that would really suck. And I've thought about this and thought, "Maybe we should just stop now. It's too hard."

But, then today, I decided to look up the text of the rest of the book, and found this paragraph at the end:

"You'll get mixed up, of course,
as you already know.
You'll get mixed up
with many strange birds as you go.
So be sure when you step.
Step with care and great tact
and remember that Life's
a Great Balancing Act.
Just never forget to be dexterous and deft.
And never mix up your right foot with your left.

And will you succeed?
Yes! You will, indeed!
(98 and 3/4 percent guaranteed.)"

So...it seems as though Dr. Seuss thinks we will succeed. And that's good enough for me. :) Thanks, cute little boy on the subway, for sharing your wise book with me for 40 blocks.

I feel a lot better today, and just am excited to start a new cycle and just keep on keepin' on. With the world's best husband at my side, I think we've got a pretty good chance at making this work.

~M