Sunday, January 9, 2011

worries and insecurities

So, it's hard to write a post about the bummer feelings you have; especially when you struggled with infertility for so long, and you finally have what you want! It makes you feel ungrateful. But alas, there's not much you can do about feeling your feelings; you just gotta feel 'em.

It's funny; whenever I tell people I'm having twins- they immediately go to how much of a challenge it will be when they're here. I agree; it will be. But, it's just not what is on my mind right now AT ALL. What is on my mind, is keeping the babies cooking until at least 36 weeks, and doing everything I'm supposed to be doing to make that happen.

I just finished reading a really good book called "
Everything You Need to Know to Have a Healthy Twin Pregnancy". I was happy to find it, because most books I found on twins were about what to do when they arrive, which is helpful eventually, but right now, I need to know how to care for them while I've got them on board. It was a good book; lots of information- but, some scary things. I mean, nowadays, twin pregnancies are becoming more common; largely because of fertility treatment advances. So, people tend to think they aren't as big of a deal as they once were. It's true; there are more twins- but from all I've read, a twin pregnancy is still very different from a single pregnancy. A lot more complications can arise. It's far more taxing on your body. Anyway, I'm so not trying to be martyr-ish. Just learning a lot lately, and it's hard not to worry about some of it.

I worry about gestational diabetes, because it occurs at a higher rate with women carrying multiples, and then if you have extra weight (whee- that's me!) and also PCOS doesn't help. So, I'm kind of worried about it. Not really for me, but for my babies. I think I'm doing pretty good food wise, as I've only gained a pound and I'm almost 13 weeks along. Many women have already gained 15 (though, they are at a normal weight when they start, so, it's normal for them to have gained more than I have). Anyway, I feel like I must be doing that right, but you know; you still worry.

There's lots of other risk factors that I won't go in to here, but I'm just hoping I get to skip over most or all of them. I just want my babies to be healthy and it's a lot of pressure when you're the one that has to take care of them exclusively for 9 months!

As far as my insecurities go; well, it's not a new one for me. I know I'm showing a little, because I can see it and well, my pants tell me so. But, since I already had extra weight- it still just looks like I'm fat. And honestly? I think it's going to look that way for a while. I know that there's nothing to be done now, and I just need to accept that I didn't start out at a normal weight, and all I can do is my best. But honestly? Pregnancy is a lot like getting married. You're surrounded by all these cute images of pregnant ladies, and cute pregnant clothes, just like when you're getting married and you're surrounded by images of perfect weddings and model brides. Yes, I'm aware that it's silly to compare myself to a model, but sometimes I just really wish I would get to have the "cute pregnant lady" experience. And? I probably won't. Because since we're having two this time, I'm most likely done after this. And that's fine. I am of course not going to get pregnant again just for vanity's sake. I've always wanted two kids, and that's what we're going to have. I know it's silly, but well, I can't help it. Hormones are a bitch. I wish that mother nature would at LEAST clear up my skin so that I could have that. C'mon lady! Give me that one thing! Sigh. Probably not going to happen.

Anyway, those are my worries and insecurities currently happening in my pregnant brain. I'm sure they will continue to rattle around in there for a while, though I'm also sure they'll soon be replaced with others. :)

Above all, I AM excited to meet my babies, and that's the most important thing. :) (Though, it WOULD be awesome to be one of those pregnant girls who looks cute in skinny jeans. ah, well.)


*photo found here


  1. oh, mariah ... i'm so sorry you're having these anxieties. it's important for you to know, that you're already doing such an awesome job. also, please let me know if you'd like me to put you in touch with two of my friends who have had twins - i remember their pregnancies were very different - very focused around diet and being extra careful, etc. one of my friends made it to 37.5 weeks and the other 38 weeks so i know they'll be happy to share their experiences with you!

    also ... if it makes you feel better, i don't know WHO looks good in pregnancy skinny jeans. certainly not me! i feel like my wardrobe is so not what i'd normally wear. i look at myself in the mirror and i constantly ask myself, "why does pregnancy make me look like a giant hippie?" if i could wear skinny jeans and cute boots i'd probably feel differently!

  2. I hope you will get nothing but supportive comments on this post! I have recently read some blogs of ladies who have gone from discussing infertility to pregnancy and have received some smack for posting about anything that isn't all raindrops & roses!Of course, you are beyond grateful and overjoyed for your (successful) pregnancy! But, the fact that you had some hardships to get here shouldn't change the fact that now you get to experience a "normal" pregnancy, just like anyone else. By normal I mean. . .fears, questions, doubts, worries- all the things you are bound to feel during pregnancy!
    Mariah, I could have written this post! (minus the twins aspect.) I too, struggled with my weight and felt a certain "envy" (and sadness) that I wasn't the poster mama for Motherhood Maternity stores and that I couldn't fit in to some of the really cute stuff. I felt awkward telling people I was pregnant in the first (and early second) trimester because immediately they look at your belly and mine just looked fat. I was reluctant to take (or share) any belly pictures because of my size. Now I regret it. Ah, yes. . .I can relate to all your worries and fears. Even the skin that won't clear and the whacked hormones!
    Not sure anything I have said here has helped, but I just wanted you to know you are not alone and your feelings are quite normal. and valid.

    Have you considered posting a weekly pregnancy update? I vote, yes :)

  3. I can't relate on the pregnancy side of things (and though I haven't experienced it first hand, I can understand that it is different and you are experiencing many different things right now). But I can relate to that *kind* of feeling about other things. I totally agree that you gotta "feel what you feel", and your feelings are completely valid, but I thought I'd just say it anyway that when I think of Mariah, I instantly think beautiful, adorable, fashionable! You are one of the most pysically beautiful people I know! Just sayin'. :)

  4. Thank you ALL for your very sweet and wonderful comments! It made me all warm and fuzzy inside. :)

    Anonymous- I'd be happy to post a weekly pregnancy update; what exactly would you like updates on? I'm open to any suggestions! Let me know and I'll make it happen. :)

  5. might have some times when you have some negative/dark feelings about becoming a mom, what that's going to mean for you as a person, the part of yourself/your life you're going to lose, etc. etc. And that's totally ok and healthy. It's a huge transformation, and mourning is part of it. I know I had that feeling from time to time before my amazing little nugget was born (and let's be honest, even after (;) If you ever need to process through any of that, I'm all ears (none of those damn books really address it/acknowledge it)