kindness

Something I think I've learned about myself in the last 4 years or so, yet something I never really fully know how to change, is that I'm not very kind to myself. In fact, I'd go so far to say I'm quite hard on myself. If I try something, and I don't succeed (weight loss, anyone?) I tend to feel like quite the failure. Even if I fail on only one occasion, say in the weight loss case, I always tend to just throw in the hat. I've failed; it's too late- no going back. If I failed then clearly I can't do it. Would I give this advice to anyone else? No! I'd tell them "It's ok! Just acknowledge it and move on. You can do it!"

So, does being more aware of this help at all? No, apparently it doesn't.

Another way that I tend to be too hard on myself is in the "I'm not doing enough" or "I’m not doing anything as cool as so-and-so" factor. I tend to always feel like I could/should be doing more/better things, and then I get overwhelmed. And then I don't do anything. And then I feel really bad about it. And the circle goes round-and-round.

So, does being more aware of this help at all? No, apparently it doesn't.

Sigh. I can't say it doesn't help at ALL. I am aware occasionally when I do these things, but being aware and having the strength to change things are very different animals. The more sad I get about the state of things, the more I tend to be hard on myself. And the less I accomplish. And the circle goes round-and-round.

One thing my husband pointed out, is that often I seem to sabotage myself when I attempt to do something big. I think I probably do this out of fear; fear that I won't be able to accomplish it, so I'll sabotage it before something/someone else can. I think this is definitely true to a certain degree. I don't like that I do this. I do recognize when I do it though. I get a feeling in the pit of my stomach that feels like a mixture between anxiety, sadness and guilt. And then I think "Ugh. I failed again."

BLAH. I don't really know what the point of this post is. Maybe the point of it is me acknowledging that this exists, and me deciding I don't want it to happen anymore, and me hoping that this will lead to more self awareness and self improvement.

I do know that one big thing I've been working on for almost a year, is getting pregnant. (Did you hear? I didn't know if I'd mentioned it here before. Yep. I'm trying to get pregnant.)
I've never wanted anything so badly. But I don't want to sabotage myself by getting so worked up and stressed about it not working, that I can't get pregnant. So clearly, I need to work on that.

I'd like to be better at:

- living in the moment. I realize often that I need to be better at this, and often times I succeed. But I'd like to be living in the moment as often as possible.
- not comparing myself to others. I am me, and I have my life, and it's mine alone. It doesn't have to match anyone else's. (Easy to say, not really easy to believe….)
- being kind to myself. I'd like to stop thinking things like "I'll buy cute clothes when I'm thinner. Right now it will just be a waste." (Also easy to say… not easy to believe. But I will try.)
- accepting my failures, and not using them as excuses to give up. Just accept, acknowledge and move forward.

So, I am going to try and work on all of these things. I realize that none of them will be easy fixes, and it won't happen over night, but I really want them to change.

Thanks for listening. :)

~M