my protein problem

So, it seems that when you're pregnant with twins, you have to have more protein in your diet than you would with one baby. When I first heard this, I didn't think this was going to be a problem, but frankly, it's been the hardest part about eating while pregnant so far.

You see, I'm not a huge fan of meat. I mean, I eat it, but it's not always my favorite. And for some reason, lately? It sounds really not good. I think it sounds better if I don't make it myself, but in general, it just doesn't sound good. And meat has one of the highest concentrations of protein.

I'm supposed to have 90-120 grams of protein a day. This is a lot, people! I mean, one egg? Has only 7 grams of protein. And also? I don't really like eggs. They're okay... but, I kind of have to choke them down. And then I was like "oh! Peanut butter! It has protein!" Yeah... but only 4 grams per tablespoon. On top of it all, I have to restrict my calories to 1800 a day, since I started out this pregnancy with extra weight. So, it's not like I can just carry around a jar of peanut butter and a spoon and just eat that all day. Also, I'd need at minimum, 22.5 tablespoons of peanut butter to get my daily requirement, and, well, that might get old.

Normally, I'd eat turkey sandwiches for lunch, because I like those, but you're not supposed to have cold deli meat when you're pregnant because of the risk of the bacteria listeria. You can sidestep this worry by this by microwaving your deli meat first to kill the possible listeria, but that just grosses me out. I don't know why. I know my friend Kristin is rolling her eyes :) but I think it's gross.

Anyway, I'm just having a really hard time feeling like I'm eating enough protein while also keeping my calories down to 1800. Also, I think my uterus is already starting to smoosh my stomach and not leave much room for food, as I get full WAY faster now. Which makes it all the more difficult to eat enough protein.

I DID get some protein bread, and it has 14 grams per slice. So, I suppose I should make sure I have a couple of slices of that per day. For a while I was having smoothies for breakfast with protein powder, but that got tiresome. I think I'll have to go back to that though, as I'm running out of ideas.

I mostly get worried that I'm not getting enough and maybe it's affecting my babies. That's the worst of all! So, I think I'll just have to try and be extra diligent and maybe just not have the most varied diet for the next 5 months or so. Gotta feed those babies what they need!

~M

2.2 pounds of frustration

So, as you may remember- I'm doing Weight Watchers in order to get a little healthier while we're waiting for the next cycle to start. I've been doing SO well; tracking all my food, working out 3-5 times a week, and as of last week, I had lost 7 pounds in 3 weeks. That's an average of 2.3 pounds a week, people! Woo hoo!

Anyway, I go in to my weekly meeting tonight, feeling pretty good. A little bloated maybe, but c'mon- I'm on a roll! I was expecting at LEAST a pound gone.

Instead?

GAINED 2.2 pounds.

WTF????????

So irritated. It could be a number of things. One possibility- my progesterone (that I'm taking to bring on my period) messes with my digestion a bit, also makes me retain some water, and apparently a side effect can be weight gain. But you know what? That doesn't make me feel better. Because, Universe? I need a fucking WIN right now. Pardon my potty mouth, but since the miscarriage, I feel even more out of control of my body than I did when we were trying to conceive, and I really want this to go well.

I track everything I eat. I work out, take loads of vitamins, drink water, get sleep, eat nutritionally balanced meals. I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing.

Not that I'm really surprised. PCOS does make it harder to lose weight. I've always struggled. But... I just wanted this to go well for just a while longer.

I know there's nothing to be done except keep on going. I just needed to vent a bit. I will keep going this week and I'm not giving up. I just hope the universe helps me out next Tuesday.

~M

P.S.

Please know that I'm aware I'm doing everything right- and know that I'm trying not to be discouraged. It's just an annoying setback, but I know it will get better again.

*photo found here

bye bye, carbs.

So, no ovulation yet. Day 51. That's right; in just 5 days, I could have already had 2 "average" 28 day cycles. In full. And I haven't even ovulated yet.

Oh well. Not much to be done about it.

It was a hard weekend. Ian and I are both just having a really rough time. When you start this process, it's really hard to think about anything else. Especially when you're dealing with physical pain every day, like Ian is. And when we can see our finances slowly draining (luckily still slowly so far- though I know it's going to start speeding up soon). Also, any time you see a baby. Bam. Reminder. Any time I see a pregnant woman; Bam. Reminder.

And, every time I think about food; I'm reminded. I hope someday I love food again. But, I hate it now. I hate it. I've been doing fairly well with my food choices of late. Yes, I've had wheat a couple of times, and sugar a couple of times. But most of the time, I do really well. Which I was pleased with; because all the books I read said "if you're good 80% of the time, that's just fine." Well, I knew I was good at LEAST 80% of the time- if not more.

Anyway, my acupuncturist told me this morning that she wants to emphasize my diet with me again. Since my body is holding on to weight like crazy, and not ovulating, I just need to cut all starches and most carbs. Basically protein, veggies and limited low GI fruits (berries and apples). It's not like I haven't tried to do this before. I mean, I've talked about it plenty of times: here and here. But, it was always sort of my own choice; like "oh, I'm not losing any weight just doing gluten and sugar free, so I'm going to be more restrictive." And it works for a while, but it always ends up being too hard. So, I go back to eating starches. Still gluten free and whole grain, but starches nonetheless. Initially I was only supposed to not eat wheat and sugar and dairy. But, I've lost no weight (actually gained weight), so clearly, something else needs to change. Also, this is my longest cycle. So, I understand the more restrictive diet....it's just hard. Because as I've mentioned before; I'm picky. I don't like fish, I don't really like eggs (they're ok, but I can't eat them every day), I don't like tofu, I don't like mushrooms.... the list goes on. So, it just becomes difficult when I can only really eat protein and veggies when there are so many proteins I don't like.

Here is my lunch today. It tasted better than it looks. It was turkey (really good, marinated white turkey), tomatoes with basil, and bell peppers and red onion.



So, this will all be hard. Harder than it has been. But, I'm going to do my darndest with it. Because, well, I have to. But I'm sure going to miss my oatmeal.

~M

cake

So. Yesterday's birthday cake....It was sooooo good. :) yum. And at dinner? I broke every single dietary restriction, because, dammit, it was my birthday!! But it was super tasty and so fun, and my lovely husband gave me a wonderful birthday celebration.

Sadly though, it's back to reality today, and I feel SO sluggish and tired. Partly I think because I stayed up a little later than usual, but mostly, I think it's the diversion from my eating restrictions that did it. Anyway, back on the wagon today!

I think I'll do a long workout tonight to try and get my energy back up, and then early to bed for me!

I have to admit...I'm sort of at a loss these days about what to post here. I mean, I'm still just waiting waiting waiting for this cycle to end so I can start my new cycle of clomid. So, while I'm waiting... I guess you just get to hear about the cake I eat. Although, there won't really BE anymore cake being eaten...so...there goes THAT material. hmm. I better think about this before my 3 readers get bored and never come back! :)

~M

change of focus

Well, not necessarily a change. But this week I've really been examining my life and my day-to-day living, and I'm kind of disappointed in myself. I honestly think in this last almost year, I've been in a bit of a funk, and I think some of it is due to how hard this whole baby makin' thing is. I think I tend to turn a lot of the "blame" onto myself; since it's my body with the issues. And I know what you're thinking.."It's not your fault!". And you'd be right. To a degree. No, the fact that I have PCOS is not my fault. But the fact that I've let it make me sad for so long- is. Yes, I've done a lot to help it; change in diet, acupuncture, no caffeine, very little alcohol; all things that you're supposed to do. So for that; I am proud of myself.

One thing I need to work on a lot harder though; is getting exercise. I sit ALL day. I have an hour commute in to work, and an hour back (which makes sense, considering the hour IN to work…) and I sit at a desk all day. Well, right there, that's 10 hours of sitting. Yes, I get up as often as I can during the day, but the majority is just sitting…sitting…sitting. And truthfully? It's exhausting. I hate it.

For the longest time, after I was diagnosed with PCOS, I just decided I'd focus on the things I was supposed to remove from my diet; sugar, wheat, dairy, and the weight would probably just come off naturally. Well, it didn't. But, I was indignant, and felt like I was eating healthfully, and just didn't have the mental energy to also try and portion control and exercise. So, I didn't. Oh, don't get me wrong. I've done some exercising since last June, but it hasn't been consistent enough to see results. And my portion controlling; well, that just hasn't happened.

I talked to Ian about it last weekend, and told him my frustrations. I told him that I WISHED that I could just do something like Jenny Craig, so that all my meals would be planned out for me and I wouldn't have to THINK about food. But, I have no interest in eating all those preservatives and chemicals; much less the wheat, dairy and sugar that is probably in all of the meals. I'm JUST SO TIRED of thinking about food. Anyway, my brilliant, supportive husband, suggested that every 2 weeks on Sunday, we plan out two weeks of meals. Make ahead as many things as possible (with healthy, organic foods) and freeze them. Anything we're not freezing, we'll just make sure we have the ingredients for, and I won't have to think about my meals; it will be planned. I know that meal planning isn't a new idea, but I've never tried it to this extreme; and I'm excited to see if it works.

As for the exercise, I belong to a gym and have MANY exercise DVDs, so I just need to get going and stick to it. I'm also going to plan THIS out (can you tell I like plans? I really do.) so that I won't have to think about it every day.

Anyway, I titled this "Change of Focus" because I've decided at least for now, I'm switching my focus from "trying-my-damnedest-to-get-knocked-up-already" to "just being a healthier me". Don’t get me wrong; I'll still be doing all I can to get a bun in the oven, but I need to focus on me and my health right now. I know it will help everything, and I'll feel better and happier in general. And that is important.

~M

a bit of randomness....

So, I don't have a specific topic today, per se, so... I'm sorry if this isn't a very interesting post. :) Just take heart that I'm entertaing myself, so, that's a bonus.

Firstly. I made cupcakes for a co-worker's birthday today. Yes, cupcakes that I cannot partake in. I know, I know. You're amazed at my generosity. She's really happy about it, so that makes me happy. Something funny; I frosted them while sitting on the couch watching The Biggest Loser. Hee hee.

Secondly. DUDE. Check out my fruit salad today! What is the deal with my fruit salad always having a face?? Today I feel like it has kiwi eyes AND a melon nose. Weird. I swear I am not doctoring these. They arrive just like this! (Maybe I just WANT to see a face in my fruit salad? You see it...right?)

Thirdly. (Is this a word?) I saw 20- TWENTY!- pregnant women on my way from the 1 train to the shuttle and through Grand Central Station today. This is about a 15 minute trip. I started counting after I saw 3 of them. So, this is either a good omen, OR the universe not being very nice and rubbing it in my face. Whatever, universe. That's just mean. Those women might be pregnant, but they don't have their very own fruit salad with a face! So... there.

On the fertility front; I'm on day 7 of the progesterone, so only 3 more days, then hopefully this useless cycle in which my ovaries just didn't do a damn thing, will be over. I'm so looking forward to just moving on. Next cycle will be more clomid, only this time a higher dose, and if that doesn't work, I have an appointment with a SUPER fancy fertilty doctor in May; more on that later.

Have a lovely day!

~M

a breakfast post

First of all- so happy it's Friday!! WOOO HOO!

Anyway, it's a gray, drizzly day here in New York, which actually always makes me happy and feel all Seattle-y and cozy. So, since it's Friday and all drizzly, I decided to stop and get a cup of decaf coffee on the way in to work. I stopped at Starbucks (yes, I know some people think Starbucks is the devil, but I like it, so shutty.) and while waiting in line I had to look at this:

Sigh. It's funny, because I haven't had anything like that for most of this last 9 months, but for some reason my on the wagon smack down declaration I made yesterday made me want these even MORE. But, I didn't get one. Just ordered my very boring decaf drip coffee, drooled a little on the damn pastry case, and made my way to work.

Once to work, I made myself a much more sensible breakfast. Plain oatmeal with flax seeds, apples and cinnamon. My go-to breakfast. Yum!

Anyway, I promise all my posts will NOT be about my food and pictures of my food, because frankly, that would be boring. I'll have a more interesting post up later today.

Happy Friday, all!

~M

lunch today

Here's my lunch today on day one of "super diligent eating smackdown". See that sad little piece of white bread in the corner? He's sad because he's all white flour-gluteny-dusted-with- parmesan-cheese, so he's getting the heave-ho.

Also, I think my fruit salad looks like it has kiwi eyes.

~M

totally radical, dude.

So, when I FIRST started acupuncture, my acupuncturist told me that I needed to radically change my diet in order to help things along. The changes included- no wheat, no dairy, no sugar. Also known as- NO FUN. But, I managed. Oh, I complained. A lot (sorry Ian). But I managed. I got pretty good at finding gluten free options for things. I did miss some things, but I eventually was fine with the changes. I also did feel better. So, that's a plus.

Then, I was diagnosed with PCOS. The very day I was diagnosed, I started looking online for more information about it, and also made a trip that night to Barnes and Noble. I always feel better about something like this when I'm armed with as much info as possible. So, I got a book and I read. There is no known cause or cure for PCOS, but you can manage it with diet and exercise and good livin'. If left untreated, PCOS can lead to wicked bad conditions such as heart disease, diabetes, infertility, and obesity. So, sadly, I read that I'd have to make even MORE restrictions to my diet. What more could I possibly restrict, you ask? It's funny you should ask, because I was totally just going to tell you.

Basically, you're recommended to eat a very low glycemic index diet. Basically, a diabetic diet. So, all those rice crackers I was eating? And the rice bread? And the super-awesome-happy-weekend-gluten-free-blueberry-waffles? Probably shouldn't have those either. BOOOO, I say. BOOOO.

Alas, I started out doing so well with my new layer of restrictions, but lately, I've just been getting annoyed with it all. I have not been nearly as diligent, and frequently get annoyed/pissy b/c I just want a some regular bread. And pie. And....cake. mmm....cake....

The even MORE annoying part? Cutting all of this stuff out of my diet for the last 9 months and not ONE pound was lost. In fact, I believe I've gained at least 5-8 pounds. MUTHAFUKKA! Not cool. OK, yes. It's not like I was TRYING as hard as I could. I wasn't diligently watching my portions or anything. But I didn't feel like I should have to! Because no regular bread! No cheese! No pancakes! And whine whine whine whiney whine!

ANYway...... the point of this post (I bet you're wondering about the point- since all I've done thus far is bitch and complain.... if you're still even reading. Sorry 'bout that.) is that I'm going to get hard core again. I'm going to follow my diet restrictions to a tee, and I'm ALSO going to control my portions. Also, I had been doing really pretty good with getting exercise, and then I got sick a couple of weeks ago, and TOTALLY fell off the wagon. Like, fell off the wagon and ran away from it. Well, I'm gettin' back on that wagon, baby.

So, wish me luck! I'm going to try to be super hard core about it until March 23rd. On March 23rd, I WILL have a piece of cake and celebrate my 33rd. But after that... back to the wagon. The gluten free, sugar free, dairy free, low glycemic index, wagon. Wheeeeeeee!

~M