So, I won't lie- it's been a rough week. Some days were easier, and some days were much, much harder. It's been just plain exhausting. I ended up going to work on Friday, though part of me wishes I'd given myself one more day. It's hard to tell if it was a good choice though, because I also think it was good to be out amongst people.
All around are little reminders of what we lost. Some are more obvious: Like the daily emails I'd get from fitpregnancy.com showing me how big my baby is, or super helpful pregnancy tips from thebump.com. Oh, or babiesrus.com reminding me to not wait to long to start registering. Unsubscribe, unsubscribe.
Then there are less obvious reminders. I babysat for my friend and neighbor on Friday and on the walk between our apartments, I started crying. Why? Because I babysat an adorable little girl? Nope. Because I was walking, in the evening, and Ian and I had recently started taking evening walks so that I could get some non-strenuous exercise during my pregnancy. I had been told not to exercise yet, so we just did some slow, evening strolls. So, that tiny walk between our apartments reminded me of those strolls.
My lovenox prescriptions on my dresser, my progesterone on my nightstand. My prenatal vitamins. My "pregnancy smoothie" ingredients in my kitchen. All the pregnancy books (which I finally put away). The roots in my hairline- showing that I haven't dyed my hair in quite some time. I can now. I couldn't before, but I can now.
Other reminders aren't so concrete. Today I lifted a moderately heavy box and didn't worry about the baby. I walk down slippery stairs and think "I hope I don't fall." Not "If I fell, I could lose the baby." If I have a headache, I can take Advil. I can scoop my cat's litter box. I'm not falling asleep at my desk anymore. That was really my only pregnancy symptom- crazy tiredness. It's gone now, replaced with the normal sleepiness that goes along with any desk job where you sit on your butt all day.
Also, I swear, EVERY TV show I've watched recently has someone trying to get pregnant, or someone giving birth or someone with a new baby. It's really everywhere. And yes, I realize that when you're aware of something like that it SEEMS as though it's everywhere, but no, really, every sitcom we've watched recently, at least 4 out of 5 have something to do with babies. Most of the time I had to change the channel.
Also, I used to read a lot of baby blogs, among other types of blogs like decorating blogs. Well, for now I've stopped reading the baby blogs, but THREE of the authors of my favorite decorating blogs are now pregnant. So, I guess I'll have to stop reading those for a while.
These reminders are both painful and something I hold on to dearly. Because they're all I have anymore. Painful though they are, they are reminders of the sweet little life Ian and I created and was lucky to carry for almost 8 weeks. I'll never ever forget how happy we were when we found out we were going to be parents. I hope we get the chance again someday, but for now, we're just getting through each day as best we can. Painful reminders and all.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Thursday, August 26, 2010
pizza, gin and loss
I've been dreading this for days. More than dreading it. Thinking that writing it all down will make it hurt more. But also knowing that I wanted to write it all down for ME. So that I never forget.
So that I never forget how it felt to lose my tiny baby.
The last few weeks had already been stressful; our ultrasounds looked fine, but the hCG numbers did not. Everyone said "not to worry- if the ultrasound looks ok- that's a good sign! You saw the heartbeat! The chances are a lot lower that something bad will happen once you see the heartbeat."
I had really started to believe that. I believed that my baby was just not going by the textbook rules, and since the ultrasound was good, it was all ok. Until I started bleeding on Saturday.
I started bleeding and cramping, just PRAYING that this was one of those times they talk about that "just happens".
"Sometimes women just bleed when they're pregnant and there's no real telling why! Could be your uterus growing, could be a blood vessel popped in the placenta; could be many things." This is what it said online; in books. I believed again, hoped again; until I started cramping. All of the articles and books said "a little bleeding is ok, as long as you're not severely cramping." Oh.
Well, by Saturday evening I was bleeding a lot, and cramping badly. I called the emergency line of my doctor, and a nurse practitioner called me back ordering complete strict bed rest for the rest of the weekend, and told me to stop my blood thinners immediately. Told me to try to get in to get an ultrasound first thing in the morning on Monday.
I think my brain was battling itself about what to believe. On the one hand, we had JUST seen the blueberry on Thursday; measuring 7 weeks and a good strong heartbeat. So, how could something be going wrong? On the other hand, I was in PAIN. And I just knew this wasn't normal cramping. This wasn't just my uterus growing; it felt wrong.
I stayed in bed all weekend. It kind of sucked. Just laid there in pain, racked with worry. But Ian took AMAZING care of me. I don't know what I would have done without him. On Monday I woke up and called to make an appointment for an ultrasound, and got one for 11:45am.
I think that both of us knew something could very well be wrong when we headed out that morning. The weather sure wasn't helping things look less ominous. The skies were dark and gray and it was raining- HARD. Clutching our umbrellas and each other, we headed out for the scariest appointment either of us had ever been to. When we got off the train at Lincoln Center, we had to transfer to a bus to get across town. Heading towards the stairs to take us up to street level, we saw that it had started raining even harder. Just DUMPING water down the stairs- we waited it out a few minutes and after we saw that it wasn't letting up, we made a break for it, laughing as we ran through the rain, our umbrellas really not doing anything, trying to reach cover. Laughing about the rain and how soaked we were getting felt good; like a nice distraction.
Once we reached the ultrasound place, and I was dressed in my hospital gown and in the tiny room with Ian sitting silently in the corner- time stood still. The ultrasound tech looked at the screen, and I looked at her face. I couldn't see the screen, but Ian could. But I couldn't see Ian's face. She didn't say a thing. I wanted to yell, "can you see anything?? Is my baby ok?" but just like in those nightmares we've all had- the ones where you want to, but you can't scream- I couldn't make myself say anything. Her silence pretty much gave me my answer. She said she was going to go develop the films and show the doctor and she'd be right back. As soon as she left, I asked Ian, "Did you see anything? Did you see a heartbeat?"
He didn't. But he sweetly added "maybe I just couldn't see it from where I was, or maybe I didn't see it right." I know that then- both of us knew. But I still was clinging to hope. PLEASE. Let us be wrong.
She came out and said that my doctor would have the results in 20 minutes and that we should call them then. She didn't tell us the results. I think maybe she couldn't, because she's just an x-ray, ultrasound person- not a doctor. I think she's probably not allowed to say anything.
After I got dressed, we wandered. Killing time. Looking for a Starbucks that had seats open for us to wait. After 20 minutes had passed, I called the doctor, but they didn't have the report yet. I begged them to please call as soon as they had any news. We waited and wandered for well over another hour after that before I called again. I was cold (wet socks from the rain) and tired and sore and sad and just wanted the news. Needed to know. I also think that every pregnant woman in New York was out and walking around that afternoon, because I think they all passed us at some point.
They put me on hold and when she finally came back on the line I knew before she said anything, what she was going to say. Her "thanks for holding, Mariah" said it all. Full of sadness, pity, trepidation. I don't remember how she started it out, but I do remember my heart dropping in to my stomach when she said the phrase "fetal demise". I'd never heard that before, and it sounded so much worse than "miscarriage" to me. Like a good patient I took down notes as she told me what the doctor thought we should do next. Keep taking the progesterone so that you can hold on to the fetus. They wanted to be able to do a D & C so that they could check the fetus for chromosomal issues. If there were problems with it on a chromosome level, then that would explain why I was miscarrying. But if not; they'd need to do more research and tests to see what caused the fetal demise. Writing it all down, not really processing it.
Heading home, we were numb. I honestly don't think it had hit me yet. I just felt like a zombie. I thought something was wrong with me, because at that point, very few tears had been shed. "Why am I not crying?"
We got home and just sat on the couch- kind of frozen. Then it was decided that we needed drinks. Gin and tonics. Oh, and pizza. A little mild self destruction with crappy food and alcohol felt very, very necessary. We talked very little that evening about the baby. We had been worrying and thinking and talking about it all weekend while I was on bedrest, and I think we needed to give ourselves a break. We sat very close on the couch, holding hands, nursing our drinks and watching TV. Neither of us wanting to talk about it yet; protecting ourselves. I couldn't talk to any friends or family (though I had briefly spoken to my mom) because I just needed to protect myself a bit longer. Recapping anything or talking through how I felt at that point would have been too hard. Though, it still is. I've already had to stop several times in writing this.
At bedtime was when we both first lost it. We just lay there and cried and cried, and sobbed and held each other. That gut wrenching crying that occasionally makes no sound, but distorts your face with pain. It finally was hitting us. Loss. Our baby. The one for over a year we had planned and dreamed about, hoped and prayed for. And the one for the last month or so, we had instantly loved.
Once we had calmed down a bit, and decided to try and sleep, I was brushing my teeth and went to the kitchen to get a glass of water. I looked at the refrigerator, where we had proudly displayed the picture of our little 7 week old blueberry. And then I looked up at the microwave and the clock read 11:11. And I've never felt so much pain and sadness in my entire life. I felt like I'd been punched in the gut. I just collapsed on the fridge and sobbed.
I will spare you the details, but we knew before going to the D&C yesterday that I had probably already lost the fetus. The very kind doctor confirmed it, showing me the ultrasound of my completely empty uterus. Informing me that though I'll continue to bleed for a while, there was no need for a D&C. I guess I was happy and sad about this. Happy to not have surgery, but a little sad that we couldn't rule out a chromosome issue as the problem.
There are so many things that break my heart about all of this. I'll never again get to be pregnant for the first time. I'll never get to excitedly call my husband and say "guess what???" without also being completely freaked out. I realize that we'll be excited when I get pregnant again, but it won't be the same. It will be excitement with extreme caution. With a huge amount of worry that we'll lose the next one too.
We had a few baby things that Ian put away yesterday. A couple of gifts and one thing I had bought on a whim. I also need to put away all my pregnancy books. I'll try to do that today.
I haven't gone back to work yet, and perhaps I will tomorrow. I feel like I have a form of agoraphobia right now. Being around other people and talking to anyone else besides Ian sounds bad and really hard. I know I'll have to eventually, but, for now it just sounds painful.
I haven't spoken to my doctor's office yet, since we got the ultrasound results yesterday. I suppose I'll need to get some "next steps" from them. How long should we wait to start trying again and all of that. Not that we're ready yet. But we will try again. I feel like wanting to be a mother opened a big hole in my heart. Just waiting to be filled. Then when I finally was, the hole grew in anticipation of the space this little one would fill in both our hearts. Now that we've lost the baby, the hole is still there. Bigger than ever.
I will never forget my first pregnancy. I will never forget the joy in my husband's voice when I told him I was pregnant. I will never forget how insanely happy I was when the nurse told me. I'll never forget all of the plans and dreams we had for that tiny one and how much we loved it instantly. I'll never forget all of Ian's "pep talks" he gave to my belly, when the numbers weren't going the way they should. I could never hear what he said, because he whispered them to the baby, but he gave them every night. Said good night to my belly every night as well, and kindly explained to the baby that I would be down there whispering to him or her if I could, only I couldn't bend that way. :)
This has without a doubt, been the biggest roller coaster of emotions I've ever been on. I know things will get better and get easier, but it will take a little time.
For now, I'm blessed to have such an amazing husband and wonderful family and friends to support us through this. Even after all that has happened, I do still realize this: Because of them, I'm a very lucky girl.
~M
So that I never forget how it felt to lose my tiny baby.
The last few weeks had already been stressful; our ultrasounds looked fine, but the hCG numbers did not. Everyone said "not to worry- if the ultrasound looks ok- that's a good sign! You saw the heartbeat! The chances are a lot lower that something bad will happen once you see the heartbeat."
I had really started to believe that. I believed that my baby was just not going by the textbook rules, and since the ultrasound was good, it was all ok. Until I started bleeding on Saturday.
I started bleeding and cramping, just PRAYING that this was one of those times they talk about that "just happens".
"Sometimes women just bleed when they're pregnant and there's no real telling why! Could be your uterus growing, could be a blood vessel popped in the placenta; could be many things." This is what it said online; in books. I believed again, hoped again; until I started cramping. All of the articles and books said "a little bleeding is ok, as long as you're not severely cramping." Oh.
Well, by Saturday evening I was bleeding a lot, and cramping badly. I called the emergency line of my doctor, and a nurse practitioner called me back ordering complete strict bed rest for the rest of the weekend, and told me to stop my blood thinners immediately. Told me to try to get in to get an ultrasound first thing in the morning on Monday.
I think my brain was battling itself about what to believe. On the one hand, we had JUST seen the blueberry on Thursday; measuring 7 weeks and a good strong heartbeat. So, how could something be going wrong? On the other hand, I was in PAIN. And I just knew this wasn't normal cramping. This wasn't just my uterus growing; it felt wrong.
I stayed in bed all weekend. It kind of sucked. Just laid there in pain, racked with worry. But Ian took AMAZING care of me. I don't know what I would have done without him. On Monday I woke up and called to make an appointment for an ultrasound, and got one for 11:45am.
I think that both of us knew something could very well be wrong when we headed out that morning. The weather sure wasn't helping things look less ominous. The skies were dark and gray and it was raining- HARD. Clutching our umbrellas and each other, we headed out for the scariest appointment either of us had ever been to. When we got off the train at Lincoln Center, we had to transfer to a bus to get across town. Heading towards the stairs to take us up to street level, we saw that it had started raining even harder. Just DUMPING water down the stairs- we waited it out a few minutes and after we saw that it wasn't letting up, we made a break for it, laughing as we ran through the rain, our umbrellas really not doing anything, trying to reach cover. Laughing about the rain and how soaked we were getting felt good; like a nice distraction.
Once we reached the ultrasound place, and I was dressed in my hospital gown and in the tiny room with Ian sitting silently in the corner- time stood still. The ultrasound tech looked at the screen, and I looked at her face. I couldn't see the screen, but Ian could. But I couldn't see Ian's face. She didn't say a thing. I wanted to yell, "can you see anything?? Is my baby ok?" but just like in those nightmares we've all had- the ones where you want to, but you can't scream- I couldn't make myself say anything. Her silence pretty much gave me my answer. She said she was going to go develop the films and show the doctor and she'd be right back. As soon as she left, I asked Ian, "Did you see anything? Did you see a heartbeat?"
He didn't. But he sweetly added "maybe I just couldn't see it from where I was, or maybe I didn't see it right." I know that then- both of us knew. But I still was clinging to hope. PLEASE. Let us be wrong.
She came out and said that my doctor would have the results in 20 minutes and that we should call them then. She didn't tell us the results. I think maybe she couldn't, because she's just an x-ray, ultrasound person- not a doctor. I think she's probably not allowed to say anything.
After I got dressed, we wandered. Killing time. Looking for a Starbucks that had seats open for us to wait. After 20 minutes had passed, I called the doctor, but they didn't have the report yet. I begged them to please call as soon as they had any news. We waited and wandered for well over another hour after that before I called again. I was cold (wet socks from the rain) and tired and sore and sad and just wanted the news. Needed to know. I also think that every pregnant woman in New York was out and walking around that afternoon, because I think they all passed us at some point.
They put me on hold and when she finally came back on the line I knew before she said anything, what she was going to say. Her "thanks for holding, Mariah" said it all. Full of sadness, pity, trepidation. I don't remember how she started it out, but I do remember my heart dropping in to my stomach when she said the phrase "fetal demise". I'd never heard that before, and it sounded so much worse than "miscarriage" to me. Like a good patient I took down notes as she told me what the doctor thought we should do next. Keep taking the progesterone so that you can hold on to the fetus. They wanted to be able to do a D & C so that they could check the fetus for chromosomal issues. If there were problems with it on a chromosome level, then that would explain why I was miscarrying. But if not; they'd need to do more research and tests to see what caused the fetal demise. Writing it all down, not really processing it.
Heading home, we were numb. I honestly don't think it had hit me yet. I just felt like a zombie. I thought something was wrong with me, because at that point, very few tears had been shed. "Why am I not crying?"
We got home and just sat on the couch- kind of frozen. Then it was decided that we needed drinks. Gin and tonics. Oh, and pizza. A little mild self destruction with crappy food and alcohol felt very, very necessary. We talked very little that evening about the baby. We had been worrying and thinking and talking about it all weekend while I was on bedrest, and I think we needed to give ourselves a break. We sat very close on the couch, holding hands, nursing our drinks and watching TV. Neither of us wanting to talk about it yet; protecting ourselves. I couldn't talk to any friends or family (though I had briefly spoken to my mom) because I just needed to protect myself a bit longer. Recapping anything or talking through how I felt at that point would have been too hard. Though, it still is. I've already had to stop several times in writing this.
At bedtime was when we both first lost it. We just lay there and cried and cried, and sobbed and held each other. That gut wrenching crying that occasionally makes no sound, but distorts your face with pain. It finally was hitting us. Loss. Our baby. The one for over a year we had planned and dreamed about, hoped and prayed for. And the one for the last month or so, we had instantly loved.
Once we had calmed down a bit, and decided to try and sleep, I was brushing my teeth and went to the kitchen to get a glass of water. I looked at the refrigerator, where we had proudly displayed the picture of our little 7 week old blueberry. And then I looked up at the microwave and the clock read 11:11. And I've never felt so much pain and sadness in my entire life. I felt like I'd been punched in the gut. I just collapsed on the fridge and sobbed.
I will spare you the details, but we knew before going to the D&C yesterday that I had probably already lost the fetus. The very kind doctor confirmed it, showing me the ultrasound of my completely empty uterus. Informing me that though I'll continue to bleed for a while, there was no need for a D&C. I guess I was happy and sad about this. Happy to not have surgery, but a little sad that we couldn't rule out a chromosome issue as the problem.
There are so many things that break my heart about all of this. I'll never again get to be pregnant for the first time. I'll never get to excitedly call my husband and say "guess what???" without also being completely freaked out. I realize that we'll be excited when I get pregnant again, but it won't be the same. It will be excitement with extreme caution. With a huge amount of worry that we'll lose the next one too.
We had a few baby things that Ian put away yesterday. A couple of gifts and one thing I had bought on a whim. I also need to put away all my pregnancy books. I'll try to do that today.
I haven't gone back to work yet, and perhaps I will tomorrow. I feel like I have a form of agoraphobia right now. Being around other people and talking to anyone else besides Ian sounds bad and really hard. I know I'll have to eventually, but, for now it just sounds painful.
I haven't spoken to my doctor's office yet, since we got the ultrasound results yesterday. I suppose I'll need to get some "next steps" from them. How long should we wait to start trying again and all of that. Not that we're ready yet. But we will try again. I feel like wanting to be a mother opened a big hole in my heart. Just waiting to be filled. Then when I finally was, the hole grew in anticipation of the space this little one would fill in both our hearts. Now that we've lost the baby, the hole is still there. Bigger than ever.
I will never forget my first pregnancy. I will never forget the joy in my husband's voice when I told him I was pregnant. I will never forget how insanely happy I was when the nurse told me. I'll never forget all of the plans and dreams we had for that tiny one and how much we loved it instantly. I'll never forget all of Ian's "pep talks" he gave to my belly, when the numbers weren't going the way they should. I could never hear what he said, because he whispered them to the baby, but he gave them every night. Said good night to my belly every night as well, and kindly explained to the baby that I would be down there whispering to him or her if I could, only I couldn't bend that way. :)
This has without a doubt, been the biggest roller coaster of emotions I've ever been on. I know things will get better and get easier, but it will take a little time.
For now, I'm blessed to have such an amazing husband and wonderful family and friends to support us through this. Even after all that has happened, I do still realize this: Because of them, I'm a very lucky girl.
~M
Thursday, August 19, 2010
ups and downs and ups
So, yesterday felt pretty bleak. hCG numbers dropped, started spotting- didn't seem good. So for my ultrasound today, I was trying to prepare myself for the worst, but once I was on the subway, and sitting in the waiting room, all I could think was "Everything HAS to be ok. It just has to. I can't handle it NOT being ok."
They told me to drink 20oz of water an hour beforehand. I may have had 32oz. You know-trying to go above and beyond. :) Um, they called me in about 3 minutes past my appointment time and I really thought I wasn't going to make it. I was going to pee all over the waiting room. And since Ian and I already looked like the poorest people in the waiting room (seriously; all the women had on designer maternity clothes and had fresh mani-pedi's and perfectly coiffed hair; all their husbands with nice suits. Then there's us in our "yes-this-is-from-Old-Navy-but-it-passes-for-work-clothes" outfits; the last thing I needed to do was make a scene and pee all over the waiting room.
Anyhoo, I didn't pee in the waiting room. But, when she did the external ultrasound, she was REALLY shocked to see how full my bladder was. She said it was so full it was 4 x the size of my uterus! Then, oh happy day, I got to pee. :)
ANYWAY... the part you ACTUALLY want to hear about (though why you don't want to read a whole post about my bladder is beyond me)... the baby is fine! It's measuring at 7 weeks (and we're at 6 weeks 6 days- way to be one day ahead, baby!) and it has a good heartbeat of 137. Wanna see??
This is how happy I am:
This has seriously been the most up and down my emotions have ever been. I'll be so excited when we pass the 12 week mark, so we can feel a LITTLE more confident.
Keep on growin', little blueberry!
~M
They told me to drink 20oz of water an hour beforehand. I may have had 32oz. You know-trying to go above and beyond. :) Um, they called me in about 3 minutes past my appointment time and I really thought I wasn't going to make it. I was going to pee all over the waiting room. And since Ian and I already looked like the poorest people in the waiting room (seriously; all the women had on designer maternity clothes and had fresh mani-pedi's and perfectly coiffed hair; all their husbands with nice suits. Then there's us in our "yes-this-is-from-Old-Navy-but-it-passes-for-work-clothes" outfits; the last thing I needed to do was make a scene and pee all over the waiting room.
Anyhoo, I didn't pee in the waiting room. But, when she did the external ultrasound, she was REALLY shocked to see how full my bladder was. She said it was so full it was 4 x the size of my uterus! Then, oh happy day, I got to pee. :)
ANYWAY... the part you ACTUALLY want to hear about (though why you don't want to read a whole post about my bladder is beyond me)... the baby is fine! It's measuring at 7 weeks (and we're at 6 weeks 6 days- way to be one day ahead, baby!) and it has a good heartbeat of 137. Wanna see??
This is how happy I am:
This has seriously been the most up and down my emotions have ever been. I'll be so excited when we pass the 12 week mark, so we can feel a LITTLE more confident.
Keep on growin', little blueberry!
~M
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
more bad numbers
Even though the doctor said I didn't need to get my hCG levels measured today, I decided to anyway, in case they were bad; I thought it would help me be prepared. But honestly; I thought they'd be better.
They weren't. They went back down:
Week 4- (7/29)- 462
Week 5- (8/2)- 2000
Week 5- (8/5)- 2996
Week 6- (8/9)- 3153
Week 6- (8/12)- 2851
Week 7- (8/16)- 3668
today- 2660
I also had a little bit of spotting today, which according to Dr.Google and all my pregnancy books means absolutely nothing, and also, something is wrong. But, nothing to know until tomorrow at the ultrasound. So, I guess I need to prepare for the worst and hope for the best.
~M
They weren't. They went back down:
Week 4- (7/29)- 462
Week 5- (8/2)- 2000
Week 5- (8/5)- 2996
Week 6- (8/9)- 3153
Week 6- (8/12)- 2851
Week 7- (8/16)- 3668
today- 2660
I also had a little bit of spotting today, which according to Dr.Google and all my pregnancy books means absolutely nothing, and also, something is wrong. But, nothing to know until tomorrow at the ultrasound. So, I guess I need to prepare for the worst and hope for the best.
~M
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
11:11
I don't really know the background behind the "phenomenon" of 11:11. I always just heard that it was good luck if you looked at a clock and it said 11:11.
I tried to wikipedia it, and all I found was:
Numerologists believe that events linked to the time 11:11 appear more often than chance or coincidence. This belief is related to the concept of synchronicity. Other authors believe it is an auspicious sign, and others that it signals a spirit presence. The belief that it has mystical powers has been adopted by believers in New Age philosophies.
So, there you go. It's auspicious.
Anyway, about 3 months ago, I kept noticing as I was getting ready for bed, that I'd glance at the clock when it said 11:11, and I'd make a small wish:
Please let me be pregnant this month.
Please let me be pregnant this month.
Please let me be pregnant this month.
Please let me be pregnant this month.
I'd wish it until the clock turned to 11:12.
Now that I'm pregnant (probably due to all that wishing I'd guess) these last couple weeks, since things aren't going as smoothly as we'd like, I have a new wish:
Please let the baby be ok and have a long and healthy life.
Please let the baby be ok and have a long and healthy life.
Please let the baby be ok and have a long and healthy life.
Please let the baby be ok and have a long and healthy life.
I wish this over and over any time I happen to glance at the clock and it says 11:11, all the way until 11:12. I don't WAIT for it to say 11:11, I only do the wish when I just happen to catch it there.
Yes, I realize that wishes don't make things like this actually happen, but it sure can't hurt! :)
~M
photo found here
Monday, August 16, 2010
freak of nature. also? i'm tired.
Well, I just got a call from my Dr. David's office, and apparently, my body is just confusing everyone there. I did my blood tests again this morning and they went up... a LITTLE. Not to the extent where they're "normal" yet, but they went up to 3668.
Here's another recap of numbers:
Week 4- (7/29)- 462
Week 5- (8/2)- 2000
Week 5- (8/5)- 2996
Week 6- (8/9)- 3153
Week 6- (8/12)- 2851
and now-
Week 7- (8/16)- 3668
The nurse actually said "We're all baffled. We are on the edge of our seats to see what your ultrasound says on Thursday."
This both gives me hope and freaks me out a bit (you know, since not even the DOCTORS know what is going on).
Also, they decided to NOT have me do my bloods this Thursday, and instead go by the ultrasound I'll have that morning. I have to admit; although the blood hCG results were rarely good, I still got some sort of security from getting them; like we were keeping an eye on things. The truth of the matter though is that there's nothing you can DO about the numbers. So, knowing sort of helped in that you felt like you had a slight window into what was happening, but I guess I didn't really.
My progesterone (the other level they measure weekly) was at 21.7, which is smack dab in the middle of normal. This is good; but also baffling, as I'm now taking 400mg of progesterone a day, whereas when I started, I was taking only 200mg. Anyway, I may ask them to measure that on Friday, just so we can stay on top of that, because that IS something you can do something about.
So... good-ish news? No real way to know, honestly. We're just going to hope for the best on Thursday.
In other news? Holy BUH-JEEZY I'm tired. No, I'm not surprised at all, because I know that's a major symptom of pregnancy in the first trimester. But man, it sure is hard to stay awake, since I sit pretty much all day. I try to take frequent breaks just to get up and walk around, but I'm still super tired. I took two, TWO, naps this weekend. It was glorious. I now love naps. I didn't used to like naps, because they always left me feeling groggy, but now they just are awesome. I wish they did nap time at work. I would be an active participant.
~M
Here's another recap of numbers:
Week 4- (7/29)- 462
Week 5- (8/2)- 2000
Week 5- (8/5)- 2996
Week 6- (8/9)- 3153
Week 6- (8/12)- 2851
and now-
Week 7- (8/16)- 3668
The nurse actually said "We're all baffled. We are on the edge of our seats to see what your ultrasound says on Thursday."
This both gives me hope and freaks me out a bit (you know, since not even the DOCTORS know what is going on).
Also, they decided to NOT have me do my bloods this Thursday, and instead go by the ultrasound I'll have that morning. I have to admit; although the blood hCG results were rarely good, I still got some sort of security from getting them; like we were keeping an eye on things. The truth of the matter though is that there's nothing you can DO about the numbers. So, knowing sort of helped in that you felt like you had a slight window into what was happening, but I guess I didn't really.
My progesterone (the other level they measure weekly) was at 21.7, which is smack dab in the middle of normal. This is good; but also baffling, as I'm now taking 400mg of progesterone a day, whereas when I started, I was taking only 200mg. Anyway, I may ask them to measure that on Friday, just so we can stay on top of that, because that IS something you can do something about.
So... good-ish news? No real way to know, honestly. We're just going to hope for the best on Thursday.
In other news? Holy BUH-JEEZY I'm tired. No, I'm not surprised at all, because I know that's a major symptom of pregnancy in the first trimester. But man, it sure is hard to stay awake, since I sit pretty much all day. I try to take frequent breaks just to get up and walk around, but I'm still super tired. I took two, TWO, naps this weekend. It was glorious. I now love naps. I didn't used to like naps, because they always left me feeling groggy, but now they just are awesome. I wish they did nap time at work. I would be an active participant.
~M
Thursday, August 12, 2010
rollercoaster numbers
Well, just got my hCG levels back. As a recap, here's how they were going:
Week 4- (7/29)- 462
Week 5- (8/2)- 2000
Week 5- (8/5)- 2996
Week 6- (8/9)- 3153
So today, we add to it with:
Week 6- (8/12)- 2851
Yes, you're reading that correctly; it went down. Not a lot, but it's not supposed to go down yet. Oh, sure, they say that later on in the pregnancy the numbers start to drop off, but we are NOT there yet. That is supposed to happen MUCH later.
The nurse told me not to worry too much, since we had such a good sonogram this week. But how can I not worry? I've made the decision to stop googling "low hCG in early pregnancy" and stuff like that. Because it rarely says good things. And it's sure not helping.
Anyway, I go in for another ultrasound on the 19th, and I repeat my bloods on Monday. I'm normally anxious to get my blood results back, but at this point I'm not, since they don't seem to be cooperating. I'm anxious for Thursday though; I want to see my little blob and it's little heartbeat again. I want to see that it's growing and that all is well; despite my body's desire to not follow proper protocol.
~M
Week 4- (7/29)- 462
Week 5- (8/2)- 2000
Week 5- (8/5)- 2996
Week 6- (8/9)- 3153
So today, we add to it with:
Week 6- (8/12)- 2851
Yes, you're reading that correctly; it went down. Not a lot, but it's not supposed to go down yet. Oh, sure, they say that later on in the pregnancy the numbers start to drop off, but we are NOT there yet. That is supposed to happen MUCH later.
The nurse told me not to worry too much, since we had such a good sonogram this week. But how can I not worry? I've made the decision to stop googling "low hCG in early pregnancy" and stuff like that. Because it rarely says good things. And it's sure not helping.
Anyway, I go in for another ultrasound on the 19th, and I repeat my bloods on Monday. I'm normally anxious to get my blood results back, but at this point I'm not, since they don't seem to be cooperating. I'm anxious for Thursday though; I want to see my little blob and it's little heartbeat again. I want to see that it's growing and that all is well; despite my body's desire to not follow proper protocol.
~M
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
cautious optimism
So, the little sweet pea has been giving us some worries lately. As I mentioned earlier, I have been going in twice weekly to get blood drawn to measure my hCG levels. For those of you not up on pregnancy lingo, here you go:
The hormone human chorionic gonadotropin (better known as hCG) is produced during pregnancy. It is made by cells that form the placenta, which nourishes the egg after it has been fertilized and becomes attached to the uterine wall. Levels can first be detected by a blood test about 11 days after conception and about 12 - 14 days after conception by a urine test. In general the hCG levels will double every 72 hours. The level will reach its peak in the first 8 - 11 weeks of pregnancy and then will decline and level off for the remainder of the pregnancy.
So, when you take a pregnancy test, that's what the test is looking for; hCG. And as it mentions above, hCG continues to rise (and hopefully double) every 72 hours. So far my levels went like this:
Week 4- (7/29)- 462
Week 5- (8/2)- 2000
Week 5- (8/5)- 2996
Week 6- (8/9)- 3153
So, as you can see, between weeks 4 and 5 we did ok, but then it started to slow way down. This is generally NOT a good sign. It often means that the pregnancy may not continue. HOWEVER, then you also read stuff like this online:
• In a bout 85% of normal pregnancies, the hCG level will double every 48 - 72 hours. As you get further along in pregnancy and the hCG level gets higher, the time it takes to double can increase to about every 96 hours.
• Caution must be used in making too much of hCG numbers. A normal pregnancy may have low hCG levels and result in a perfectly healthy baby. The results from an ultrasound after 5 - 6 weeks gestation are much more accurate than using hCG numbers.
So maybe we're the other 15% of normal pregnancies where the hCG level WON'T double? GAH. It's really maddening and stressful.
HOWEVER, also, as it mentioned in the 2nd bullet point; the results from the ultrasound at 5-6 weeks are more accurate. Well, it just so happens that I had an ultrasound yesterday. They were checking to make sure the blood flow to the uterus was good and to make sure the pregnancy was in the uterus. Well, the blood flow is just fine and the pregnancy is in the uterus. Also, she said size wise, it's measuring at about 5 weeks 6 days; which is where it should be. ALSO, I saw the heart beat! I couldn't hear it yet, because it's way too small, but I saw it and it was WAY cool. Which is so great, because we were SO worried on Monday night; just really sick with worry.
Anyway, my doctor is advising that we proceed with "cautious optimism". Which, sort of doesn't make me feel any better. I mean- it WAS reassuring to see the little heart fluttering (and also just pretty damn cool) but oh, hCG, why aren't you cooperating?
We'll see what my levels are tomorrow- I'm hoping for a huge jump. If you feel so inclined; send good thoughts our way!
~M
The hormone human chorionic gonadotropin (better known as hCG) is produced during pregnancy. It is made by cells that form the placenta, which nourishes the egg after it has been fertilized and becomes attached to the uterine wall. Levels can first be detected by a blood test about 11 days after conception and about 12 - 14 days after conception by a urine test. In general the hCG levels will double every 72 hours. The level will reach its peak in the first 8 - 11 weeks of pregnancy and then will decline and level off for the remainder of the pregnancy.
So, when you take a pregnancy test, that's what the test is looking for; hCG. And as it mentions above, hCG continues to rise (and hopefully double) every 72 hours. So far my levels went like this:
Week 4- (7/29)- 462
Week 5- (8/2)- 2000
Week 5- (8/5)- 2996
Week 6- (8/9)- 3153
So, as you can see, between weeks 4 and 5 we did ok, but then it started to slow way down. This is generally NOT a good sign. It often means that the pregnancy may not continue. HOWEVER, then you also read stuff like this online:
• In a bout 85% of normal pregnancies, the hCG level will double every 48 - 72 hours. As you get further along in pregnancy and the hCG level gets higher, the time it takes to double can increase to about every 96 hours.
• Caution must be used in making too much of hCG numbers. A normal pregnancy may have low hCG levels and result in a perfectly healthy baby. The results from an ultrasound after 5 - 6 weeks gestation are much more accurate than using hCG numbers.
So maybe we're the other 15% of normal pregnancies where the hCG level WON'T double? GAH. It's really maddening and stressful.
HOWEVER, also, as it mentioned in the 2nd bullet point; the results from the ultrasound at 5-6 weeks are more accurate. Well, it just so happens that I had an ultrasound yesterday. They were checking to make sure the blood flow to the uterus was good and to make sure the pregnancy was in the uterus. Well, the blood flow is just fine and the pregnancy is in the uterus. Also, she said size wise, it's measuring at about 5 weeks 6 days; which is where it should be. ALSO, I saw the heart beat! I couldn't hear it yet, because it's way too small, but I saw it and it was WAY cool. Which is so great, because we were SO worried on Monday night; just really sick with worry.
Anyway, my doctor is advising that we proceed with "cautious optimism". Which, sort of doesn't make me feel any better. I mean- it WAS reassuring to see the little heart fluttering (and also just pretty damn cool) but oh, hCG, why aren't you cooperating?
We'll see what my levels are tomorrow- I'm hoping for a huge jump. If you feel so inclined; send good thoughts our way!
~M
Monday, August 9, 2010
a wee bit bruisey
So, as you may or may not remember, I have to give myself a shot every morning of a blood thinner called Lovenox, in order to counteract my blood clotting disorder, Factor V Leiden.
This freaked me out at first, but has turned out to not be a big deal at all. The only bummer thing that has happened recently, was they upped my dosage to 6omg from 40mg, and the needle is a little thicker in the 60mg. :( With the 40mg one, I literally couldn't even feel the needle going in, but now with the 60mg, I can feel it. Oh well. It's still not THAT bad.
One side effect though, (besides the minor burning feeling for a few minutes afterwards) is the bruising. I have bruises all over my tummy, the biggest one being the first shot I got. I think I must have hit a capillary when I did that one, because it sure is hanging around.
I wanted to show you what my belly looked like all bruised but Ididn't want to subject you to my pudgy tummy forgot to take a picture this morning. So, I decided I'd do a google search for a belly that looked like mine, and illustrate how it looks when it's all bruisey. I used the very accurate "Microsoft Paint" to show you where my bruises are, and since these abs pretty much look exactly like mine, it paints a pretty accurate picture:
This freaked me out at first, but has turned out to not be a big deal at all. The only bummer thing that has happened recently, was they upped my dosage to 6omg from 40mg, and the needle is a little thicker in the 60mg. :( With the 40mg one, I literally couldn't even feel the needle going in, but now with the 60mg, I can feel it. Oh well. It's still not THAT bad.
One side effect though, (besides the minor burning feeling for a few minutes afterwards) is the bruising. I have bruises all over my tummy, the biggest one being the first shot I got. I think I must have hit a capillary when I did that one, because it sure is hanging around.
I wanted to show you what my belly looked like all bruised but I
See how I smartly made them purple and blue? Isn't it EERIE how much they look exactly like bruises? I know- I'm an artiste.
Anyway, I think soon I'll have to start using my thigh, because I'm running out of spots to poke on my tummy. But honestly? I'd give myself 20 shots a day for this wee little sweet pea (it's the size of a sweet pea now!) I've got growing inside me. Worth every poke.
~M
Thursday, August 5, 2010
waiting and worrying
For the next two weeks I have to go in twice a week and get blood drawn. I've already gone twice this week, so only two more weeks to go. They are checking to make sure my HCG (pregnancy hormone) and progesterone levels are rising appropriately. Last Thursday my HCG was 496 and then on Monday morning it was over 2000, so those numbers are rising appropriately. Apparently it's supposed to double every 36 hours or so. However, though my progesterone was normal on Thursday, it was low on Monday, so they increased my dosage of progesterone pills to 3 times per day instead of 2. I went in this morning to get my levels checked again, and I'll find out this afternoon.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't worried. Low progesterone levels can mean something might possibly be going wrong. Both my PCOS and my Factor V can increase the risk of something going wrong (I really am trying not to use the "m" word), and I'm only in week 5. The risk goes down once I reach the 2nd trimester, but that's still like 8 weeks away. I keep telling myself that if something goes wrong this time that it's ok, because at least I know I can get pregnant! BUT, I think I won't feel that ok with it if it were to happen. I just keep hoping and praying that my little guy or girl just can hold on in there.
Anyway, I just hope I'm worrying unnecessarily. And yes, I realize that worrying isn't going to help anything. But, when you want something so badly, it's hard not to.
I'll let y'all know what my levels are this afternoon once I get them. Cross your fingers!
~M
***UPDATE*** My HCG is 2996 and my progesterone is normal again at 43. The HCG didn't rise as much as last time, but she said it was within the normal range. SO... less worrying for now. :) I have a sonogram scheduled for Tuesday. It's simply to make sure the pregnancy is in the uterus (vs. the fallopian tubes) and to check blood flow to the uterus. There will not be a heartbeat yet, so the nurse told me not to panic about that. :)
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't worried. Low progesterone levels can mean something might possibly be going wrong. Both my PCOS and my Factor V can increase the risk of something going wrong (I really am trying not to use the "m" word), and I'm only in week 5. The risk goes down once I reach the 2nd trimester, but that's still like 8 weeks away. I keep telling myself that if something goes wrong this time that it's ok, because at least I know I can get pregnant! BUT, I think I won't feel that ok with it if it were to happen. I just keep hoping and praying that my little guy or girl just can hold on in there.
Anyway, I just hope I'm worrying unnecessarily. And yes, I realize that worrying isn't going to help anything. But, when you want something so badly, it's hard not to.
I'll let y'all know what my levels are this afternoon once I get them. Cross your fingers!
~M
***UPDATE*** My HCG is 2996 and my progesterone is normal again at 43. The HCG didn't rise as much as last time, but she said it was within the normal range. SO... less worrying for now. :) I have a sonogram scheduled for Tuesday. It's simply to make sure the pregnancy is in the uterus (vs. the fallopian tubes) and to check blood flow to the uterus. There will not be a heartbeat yet, so the nurse told me not to panic about that. :)
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
cough, puff, achoo!
Living in any city, you're exposed to so many elements during your day; and this is especially true in a city the size of New York.
I ride the subway to and from work every day, and door-to-door, it's about an hour each way. This means I come in contact with A LOT of people daily- many of whom are more germy than others. Sneezing, coughing, hacking. Now, this has always grossed me out to a certain degree- but now I'm more worried about my wee little orange seed in mah belly! I feel like yelling, "hey, dude- cover your mouth! I'm growin' a human here!"
Also something I'm MUCH more aware of as I walk down the crowded streets- smokers. I always try and walk faster than them so that they don't blow their gross smoke right in my face- but now that I have a baby to protect, I'm even more aware of it. I often hold my breath if passing by a smoker, so I don't breathe it in. Yuck!
One thing I know- my hand sanitizer has become a very helpful staple in my purse. :)
~M
Photo found here
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
workin' it out
So, it's very important to me to be as healthy as possible during this pregnancy, because I'm starting out overweight (Whee!). I want to be healthy for me, and I want to be healthy for my little one. I want to avoid gestational diabetes at all costs, so I'm eating very, very healthily, and as soon as I get the ok from my doctor, I'm going to start exercising. I'm already doing some walking, but I want to make sure before I do anything else, that I get the "all clear".
For exercising, I've always done the best with videos. They're right there in your house, nobody else can see you, and there's a beginning and an end- which helps me to not quit early.
Anyway, a LONG time ago (when we first started trying to conceive and I had no clue we'd run into issues), I bought a pregnancy yoga DVD. And then just a couple of days ago, I ordered two more tapes off of Amazon- and I'm excited about them for very different reasons.
This first one by Summer Sanders is just supposed to be very good, and it has exercises for each trimester- which I liked:
This Kathy Smith one I got in VHS form, for $3.95 on Amazon. Yes, I still have a VCR. It was all brand new in it's shrink wrapped plastic! From 1989....
For exercising, I've always done the best with videos. They're right there in your house, nobody else can see you, and there's a beginning and an end- which helps me to not quit early.
Anyway, a LONG time ago (when we first started trying to conceive and I had no clue we'd run into issues), I bought a pregnancy yoga DVD. And then just a couple of days ago, I ordered two more tapes off of Amazon- and I'm excited about them for very different reasons.
This first one by Summer Sanders is just supposed to be very good, and it has exercises for each trimester- which I liked:
This Kathy Smith one I got in VHS form, for $3.95 on Amazon. Yes, I still have a VCR. It was all brand new in it's shrink wrapped plastic! From 1989....
And the best part of the Kathy Smith workout? THERE'S A RAP SECTION, YOU GUYS. And I've seen the video of it before, but it seems as though it's been removed from the internet- which is a MAJOR bummer, b/c it's hilarious. Here's a blurry screen shot I found online:
They put lyrics on the bottom of the screen so that you can rap along. Which I can guarantee I will be doing each time. One line I remember QUITE well from the rap when I saw the video clip: "You'll get much more from your pelvic floor, when you pass on the bagel and do one more kegel!"
No, I'm serious.
I can't wait! :)
~M
Monday, August 2, 2010
overboard?
Well, maybe a little. But I already owned them all! So, I had to use them, right? I mean, what a waste to not use them. Also, I've had so few symptoms, it's nice and reassuring to see the two lines (even though they were super light in the second picture) or the "Pregnant" again. I also had another blood test on Thursday to check my Beta hCG levels (doctor's orders- will do that for the next 3 weeks 2x per day) and again today. They were good on Thursday at 462. Well, the nurse said that was a good number, and when I googled it, google seemed to agree.
I haven't had TOO many symptoms yet, but I've had a few. I'm always kind of tired, no matter how much sleep I get, I've had some mild nausea, my face broke out (whee!) and I've had a little heartburn. But all of these have been sort of mild and not constant yet. So, so far so good. I have to say- I kind of love the symptoms. I get a little sad when they subside. They are a nice reminder that "yep! Still pregnant!" I know that all of you out there that are pregnant or have been pregnant understand what I mean about this. It's just so early, and I'm so concerned about my little tiny one making it through the first trimester, so I love the symptoms, b/c they're reassuring.
I'm supposed to have an ultrasound early next week to make sure that the little guy has implanted in the right place (uterus, not fallopian tube) and to check blood flow to the uterus. Then, 10 days after that, I'm going in for another ultrasound to hear the heartbeat! That will be very very exciting. :)
My appointment with the hematologist was uneventful. She was very nice and said that indeed I would be on Lovenox (and then later Heparin) for my entire pregnancy. She also said she'd monitor my pregnancy the whole way with my OB (whenever I finally pick one. um, gotta get on that). So, it's comforting to know that someone will be watching over that.
Oh, also, poppyseed has graduated to an orange seed. :) They grow up so fast.
~M
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