Tuesday, August 31, 2010

constant reminders

So, I won't lie- it's been a rough week. Some days were easier, and some days were much, much harder. It's been just plain exhausting. I ended up going to work on Friday, though part of me wishes I'd given myself one more day. It's hard to tell if it was a good choice though, because I also think it was good to be out amongst people.

All around are little reminders of what we lost. Some are more obvious: Like the daily emails I'd get from fitpregnancy.com showing me how big my baby is, or super helpful pregnancy tips from thebump.com. Oh, or babiesrus.com reminding me to not wait to long to start registering. Unsubscribe, unsubscribe.

Then there are less obvious reminders. I babysat for my friend and neighbor on Friday and on the walk between our apartments, I started crying. Why? Because I babysat an adorable little girl? Nope. Because I was walking, in the evening, and Ian and I had recently started taking evening walks so that I could get some non-strenuous exercise during my pregnancy. I had been told not to exercise yet, so we just did some slow, evening strolls. So, that tiny walk between our apartments reminded me of those strolls.

My lovenox prescriptions on my dresser, my progesterone on my nightstand. My prenatal vitamins. My "pregnancy smoothie" ingredients in my kitchen. All the pregnancy books (which I finally put away). The roots in my hairline- showing that I haven't dyed my hair in quite some time. I can now. I couldn't before, but I can now.

Other reminders aren't so concrete. Today I lifted a moderately heavy box and didn't worry about the baby. I walk down slippery stairs and think "I hope I don't fall." Not "If I fell, I could lose the baby." If I have a headache, I can take Advil. I can scoop my cat's litter box. I'm not falling asleep at my desk anymore. That was really my only pregnancy symptom- crazy tiredness. It's gone now, replaced with the normal sleepiness that goes along with any desk job where you sit on your butt all day.

Also, I swear, EVERY TV show I've watched recently has someone trying to get pregnant, or someone giving birth or someone with a new baby. It's really everywhere. And yes, I realize that when you're aware of something like that it SEEMS as though it's everywhere, but no, really, every sitcom we've watched recently, at least 4 out of 5 have something to do with babies. Most of the time I had to change the channel.

Also, I used to read a lot of baby blogs, among other types of blogs like decorating blogs. Well, for now I've stopped reading the baby blogs, but THREE of the authors of my favorite decorating blogs are now pregnant. So, I guess I'll have to stop reading those for a while.

These reminders are both painful and something I hold on to dearly. Because they're all I have anymore. Painful though they are, they are reminders of the sweet little life Ian and I created and was lucky to carry for almost 8 weeks. I'll never ever forget how happy we were when we found out we were going to be parents. I hope we get the chance again someday, but for now, we're just getting through each day as best we can. Painful reminders and all.

1 comment:

  1. It's good to "hear" your voice Mariah. Continuing to think of you both!