anxieties. i has some.

Last night I had a for reals mini-anxiety attack. Not a huge one, but my heart was racing, and my mind would not shut down. Lots of changes on the horizon and last night they just sort of all came to the surface. But thanks to a lovely pink Benadryl and lots of hugs from my rockstar husband, I slept well.

I'm sure happy it's Friday though! Happy weekend to you all! (All two of you!)

~M

worn out

I'm tired. I'm tired of all of this. Tired of fertility stuff, tired of staring at my chart wondering when or if I'll actually ovulate, tired of herbs, vitamins, temperatures, weight issues, food issues.... just, all of it. I don't know why I'm feeling this way now; but I feel like I've lost a little hope. No, not ALL hope. I still know it's possible and that we'll hopefully be able to have a baby someday. I think probably my meeting with the super doctor will help get my hopes back up.

But right now... right now- my heart hurts. My brain hurts; tired of all the "what ifs".

I'm just tired.

~M

oh! so THAT'S how you do it...

Hey, y'all- I figured out why I haven't gotten pregnant yet!

I got an email from thebump.com today, titled 10+ ways to make a baby.

So, I clicked on it and opened it up to see if maybe there was some magical thing I hadn't tried or thought of.

And... check out # 1.

1. Start by having unprotected sex.

OHHHHHH! Man! I KNEW there was something we weren't trying!

~ M

not fertility related

So, this has nothing to do with fertility, but I wanted to post today , so.....here's some pictures of my cute kitty, Lucky. Enjoy :)












~ M

super doctor!

So, I think I've mentioned in previous posts that in May, I have an appointment with a totally awesome reproductive endocrinologist, Dr. Sami David.

I read his book, Making Babies, at the suggestion of my acupuncturist. He was the first doctor in New York to perform a successful IVF, and it was the last one he ever performed. He now has quickly turned against IVF as the standard method for combating infertility, and works on identifying and treating the underlying cause of infertility. He co-wrote the book with Jill Blakeway who is a board-certified herbalist and Chinese medicine practitioner. This is so awesome to me; that he is so open minded about the Eastern medicine side as well, since I've been doing acupuncture and herbs for almost a year now.

He's had all sorts of success with women who come in and have tried IVF's multiple times, with no pregnancy. He's helped hundreds of women conceive when they thought they couldn't.

Anyway, to say that I'm excited to meet him is an understatement. I feel like I'm probably putting too much hope into meeting him and working with him, but it really is exciting. I get to have an appointment with a doctor that wrote a really wonderful book! I faxed my entire history (medical records and cycle charts) over to him a few weeks ago, because he likes to look at all of that stuff in advance. Ian is going with me for the first appointment, and I'm excited about that, too. He's been so supportive and helpful, but it will be nice to have him there with me.

So, I'm hoping he really is my super doctor! We'll soon see. :)

~M

P.S. Also, he's totally been on TV.

bookmarks

So, I have a lot of bookmarks on my computer.

Since we started trying to get pregnant,

(BTW, I never thought I'd say "we" are trying. But, if you just say "I'm" trying, it sounds like you're randomly out there in the world just trying to get knocked up. And this part of the journey is most definitely a "we". However, when I'm actually pregnant, I will go back to saying "I".)

I started doing internet research right away. On everything. I was so excited I googled everything baby you could imagine. I also bought books, but the internet was just this wealth of information at my fingertips. I also started reading blogs about pregnancy and motherhood.

Anyway, all of this research and blog reading started my crazy amount of bookmarking. Seriously, I have a LOT of bookmarks on baby stuff. So much so, that I had to eventually break it down into categories. Here's a small (or, not so small really) snapshot of how much I've bookmarked. I did some cutting and pasting of screenshots because when I expand some of the folders, you can't even see them all on one page. Also, I expanded "clothing" and "decor" because they were two of the larger folders, but I didn't expand fertility or accessories, because I think my point has been made : (click on the image to view larger. If you actually want to. I don't think it will be that interesting.)

Anyway, yeah. Lots of bookmarks. I hope I get to put them to good use someday! In the meantime, if you're looking for anything baby-related, hit me up! Chances are, I've got it bookmarked.

~M

hormones

I hate them.

Seriously.

Ok, yes, I realize we "need" them to "live" and stuff. But I really hate them.

Mine are completely out of whack, which of course causes my PCOS.

Before I knew that I had PCOS, I would joke about having PMS for 2-4 weeks. Turns out, I probably did. Because I'm on day 18 today (no ovulation yet- wheee!) and feel really tired, really weepy, really bloated, BLAH. Stupid hormones. Because if I had a normal cycle, I'd only have a week or so of this, maybe less. But nope! If this progresses like my "usual" cycles, this stupid dumb part of my cycle will now continue for ever and ever.

Stupid dumb, stupid-head hormones.

Also, apparently PMS appears to make me act like I'm 5 years old.

Also, it feels weird to call it PMS, since who knows when I'll actually ovulate. Maybe I should call it PPMS (pre-PMS).

blarg.

~M

electric ovaries!

You guys! I have electric ovaries! For real! Yesterday during acupuncture, she did the regular needles and then she attached these tiny little jumper cable like things to the needles over my ovaries and for 45 minutes she totally electrified them! I guess trying to shock them awake.

Pretty cool, huh? I wonder if this means that my baby will now have electric super powers. Probably. When I started thinking about electric ovaries, I remembered the super awesome song "Electric Youth" by Debbie Gibson. I was quite the Debbie fan as a child/pre-teen. I think these lyrics to the song "Electric Youth" prove that this will totally work AND my kids will have super powers.

*******
Zappin' it to ya
The pressure's everywhere
Goin' right through ya
The fever's in the air
Oh yeah, it's there!
Don't underestimate the power
Of a lifetime ahead

Electric youth (ovaries!)
Feel the power, you see the energy
Comin' up
Coming on strong
The future only belongs
To the future itself
And the future is
Electric youth
It's true you can't fight it
Live by it
The next generation (see? superhero electric babies!)
It's electric
******

Anyway, I hope it works. She said she's going to try to do the electricity every week now to get my ovaries movin'!

~M

kindness

Something I think I've learned about myself in the last 4 years or so, yet something I never really fully know how to change, is that I'm not very kind to myself. In fact, I'd go so far to say I'm quite hard on myself. If I try something, and I don't succeed (weight loss, anyone?) I tend to feel like quite the failure. Even if I fail on only one occasion, say in the weight loss case, I always tend to just throw in the hat. I've failed; it's too late- no going back. If I failed then clearly I can't do it. Would I give this advice to anyone else? No! I'd tell them "It's ok! Just acknowledge it and move on. You can do it!"

So, does being more aware of this help at all? No, apparently it doesn't.

Another way that I tend to be too hard on myself is in the "I'm not doing enough" or "I’m not doing anything as cool as so-and-so" factor. I tend to always feel like I could/should be doing more/better things, and then I get overwhelmed. And then I don't do anything. And then I feel really bad about it. And the circle goes round-and-round.

So, does being more aware of this help at all? No, apparently it doesn't.

Sigh. I can't say it doesn't help at ALL. I am aware occasionally when I do these things, but being aware and having the strength to change things are very different animals. The more sad I get about the state of things, the more I tend to be hard on myself. And the less I accomplish. And the circle goes round-and-round.

One thing my husband pointed out, is that often I seem to sabotage myself when I attempt to do something big. I think I probably do this out of fear; fear that I won't be able to accomplish it, so I'll sabotage it before something/someone else can. I think this is definitely true to a certain degree. I don't like that I do this. I do recognize when I do it though. I get a feeling in the pit of my stomach that feels like a mixture between anxiety, sadness and guilt. And then I think "Ugh. I failed again."

BLAH. I don't really know what the point of this post is. Maybe the point of it is me acknowledging that this exists, and me deciding I don't want it to happen anymore, and me hoping that this will lead to more self awareness and self improvement.

I do know that one big thing I've been working on for almost a year, is getting pregnant. (Did you hear? I didn't know if I'd mentioned it here before. Yep. I'm trying to get pregnant.)
I've never wanted anything so badly. But I don't want to sabotage myself by getting so worked up and stressed about it not working, that I can't get pregnant. So clearly, I need to work on that.

I'd like to be better at:

- living in the moment. I realize often that I need to be better at this, and often times I succeed. But I'd like to be living in the moment as often as possible.
- not comparing myself to others. I am me, and I have my life, and it's mine alone. It doesn't have to match anyone else's. (Easy to say, not really easy to believe….)
- being kind to myself. I'd like to stop thinking things like "I'll buy cute clothes when I'm thinner. Right now it will just be a waste." (Also easy to say… not easy to believe. But I will try.)
- accepting my failures, and not using them as excuses to give up. Just accept, acknowledge and move forward.

So, I am going to try and work on all of these things. I realize that none of them will be easy fixes, and it won't happen over night, but I really want them to change.

Thanks for listening. :)

~M

guilt and herbs

So, in trying to get pregnant, I've tried many things- as I've mentioned. I do acupuncture weekly. I take more vitamins and supplements than anyone should. I take my temperature every morning and chart it. I've had to drastically change my diet.

And I also drink these super gross tasting chinese herb tinctures.

I didn't have to drink them last month, because I was on the clomid. (you know- the clomid that didn't do a damn thing.) Anyway, since I'm not doing clomid this month, I'm back to the herbs, and MAN they taste worse than I thought.

I mix them with hot water and drink them 3 times a day, and it's ROUGH. It didn't seem as gross before, but I think after taking one month off, I'm just not used to it anymore.

Anyway, my point is this: I will love my baby with all my heart. I can't wait to have a little person to love unconditionally and hug and kiss. However, when they're teenagers? Or even younger and throwing horrible temper tantrums and they won't listen to me? I will make sure to let them know about all the gross stuff I had to drink so that I could bring them into this world.

Because you know, what's parenting- without a little guilt? ;)

~ M

the picky girl's diet.

So I've decided that I need more structure to my eating plan (I am someone who really needs structure), so I've decided to do something similar to the south beach diet.

I say "something similar" because I can't do the south beach diet as it's written, being that it's all full of dairy (can't do) and fish (eww. WON'T do).

So, I'm just sticking to the rules of the first 2 weeks which is basically no starches and no fruit. I can have protein and veggies and beans and nuts.

Eating no starches or fruit is hard. I like fruit. I'm a little more used to the no starches- though I will miss my gluten free bread and pasta.

I'm still doing it, but it's hard.

especially when there is a breakfast for the executives at work this morning and they have all this leftover food and they say "hey assistants, come eat whatever you like!"

and then you go look at the spread (because you like to torture yourself apparently) and it's all full of cinnamon rolls and granola and yogurt (really good, greek yogurt) and tiny boxes of frosted flakes and cocoa krispies and croissants and scones and muffins.

sigh.

I think I'll just go make some tea.

~M

P.S.

(Also, I think I could make a lot of money if I started a "PCOS picky girl's diet". No gluten, no sugar, no dairy, no fish, no gross stuff. Because I looked for this book at Borders yesterday, and it shockingly doesn't exist! All these diet books include dairy or fish and they expect you to do things like marinate stuff. um, no.)

a reminder

So, even though I've read many books and countless articles on fertility, I still click on articles I come across that say things like "surprising fertility boosters!". Because I think, "Well, maybe it's something I haven't heard of yet! I mean, it DID say it was "surprising"! So, today I clicked on one from thebump.com- "6 ways to naturally boost your fertility", and these were the six "surprising" boosters:

Start eating for two

You need to nourish yourself before you can begin to nourish a growing baby. In general, good nutrition for your health is going to be good for conception and pregnancy, too. Start by choosing foods rich in whole grains, plus a rainbow’s worth of colorful fruits and vegetables every day. And get the skinny on fats, too, especially those rich in omega-3 fatty acids, which are components in all cell membranes. Eating salmon one or two times a week, or eggs fortified with DHA (a fatty acid found in fish oil that’s an important component in brain tissue) is a great way to get your omega-3s. Other fertility-boosting nutrition tips: Avoid trans fats, try to get protein from vegetable rather than animal sources, and try to consume one serving of full-fat dairy products a day.

*I am pretty much doing this, though I don't eat fish. I do take fish oil every day, so that's good.

The weight to be pregnant

Being significantly under- or overweight can negatively affect your fertility. Women who are underweight—with a body mass index (BMI) lower than 19 Kg/M2—take four times as long to get pregnant as women in the normal range (19 to 24 Kg/M2). On the other hand, women who are overweight may have insulin resistance, meaning that too much insulin circulates in the body, disrupting menstruation. Estrogen production from fat cells can also affect the ovaries and prevent eggs from being released every month. If you’re too thin, gaining as little as five pounds can sometimes be enough to jump start ovulation and menstruation. If you’re overweight, losing just 5 to 10 percent of your current body weight is often enough to do the same. But now is not the time to try a fad diet. Instead, find healthy eating and exercise habits that will last you through your pregnancy.

*Ok, this is definitely something I KNOW about, but still struggle with. I have a feeling my cycle would be like a bazillion times better if I lost some weight, but it's easier said than done. But, I am working on it.

Supplements... to be sure

Begin (or continue) taking either a one-a-day type multivitamin or a prenatal vitamin containing folic acid. During the earliest weeks of pregnancy, before you may even realize you’re pregnant, the embryo’s neural tubes (the earliest version of the brain and spinal column) develop. Taking a supplement that contains folic acid will reduce the chance of defects.

*I'm taking so many supplements, it's crazy. Prenatal, Vitamin D, Vitamin B, Fish oil, evening primrose oil, calcium, along with my Chinese herbs and metformin.

Curb caffeine and alcohol intake

Caffeine’s role in fertility is one of those issues that surfaces every couple of years. The research is ongoing, and the verdict is still out. But as of now, most experts agree that as long as you limit your intake to less than 300 milligrams a day (the amount contained in two small cups of coffee plus a soda), your fertility shouldn’t be affected. As for alcohol, everyone knows that once you’re pregnant you should give it up. But the effects of moderate intake on fertility are not as well studied. Excessive alcohol consumption has been linked with anovulation (no ovulation), amenorrhea (no periods), and abnormalities with the endometrial lining. Alcohol can also alter estrogen and progesterone levels. An occasional glass of wine is unlikely to affect your fertility, but many experts think it’s best to be on the safe side and forego alcohol as soon as you start trying to conceive.

*I WAS doing awesome on this, until I went to New Orleans. I had some coffee there, and well, I had some alcohol. :) But, since I'm back now, I've not had anything to drink, and have had very little coffee.

Stay calm

You’ve heard it before but yes, you should work to manage your stress. Stress can increase levels of cortisol [the so-called stress hormone], which can temporarily shut down your reproductive system. And, of course, stress can also affect your relationship with your partner, making intimacy more difficult. Some women find that yoga or meditation helps alleviate anxiety and tension. Others may need professional help to get stress under control.

*Ummmm... yeah. I could probably work on this. I want to start yoga. I guess I've not been to calm lately.

Kick the habit today

Want a good reason to quit? Women who smoke go through menopause an average of two years earlier than women who don’t. That alone means smoking is toxic to the reproductive system. Smoking is also strongly associated with an increased risk of miscarriage, and women who smoke are more prone to ectopic pregnancies. If your partner smokes, now’s the time for him to quit, too. Not only shouldn’t you be exposed to secondhand smoke while you’re trying to get pregnant, but smoking lowers sperm count and quality. So if you want to get pregnant and have a healthy pregnancy and a healthy baby, both of you need to stop—immediately.

*Not an issue. Never been a smoker.

So- none of these things "surprised" me. They more "reminded" me. I think the #1 thing to keep in mind with fertility is to make yourself as healthy as you possibly can; mentally and physically. So, this is my goal. I want to be this way anyway, despite my trying to get pregnant. I want to be as healthy as possible, so, I guess this article served it's purpose. :)

~M

10 months trying-to-get-pregnant-aversary

Happy anniversary to me? Today marks the 10th month of trying and trying and not yet succeeding in the game of baby makin'. Sometimes it's a fun game, (wink wink) and sometimes it's a heartbreaking, gut punching, soul crushing game. I guess not much of a fun game when it's those latter 3. But, we keep playing because hopefully, eventually, we'll win. A tiny little Ian, and tiny little me. This is what I keep my hopes up for. A tiny little person to love unconditionally.

So, I keep my head up (most of the time), and I keep pushing forward. I stumble often, but get back up. My hopes get dashed frequently, but, every new cycle is like a new beginning. Because we really want this. I want this more than I've ever wanted anything in my entire life. And my desire for it never wanes; only grows stronger.

So, happy 10th months of trying to me. It's not a sad anniversary, because I'm so happy that we decided to start a family! However, It's not an anniversary I hope to continue to celebrate for long.

Oh, you know what else? It also marks the one month anniversary of this little blog!! The little blog that probably two people read, but oh well! I started it for myself- to vent, to complain, to give myself hope. Thanks to all who read it though! And best of luck to all of you out there that are also on this journey!

~M

eventually

I found this lovely necklace online yesterday, and I thought it was so perfect. It made me feel happy and more hopeful with just that one word; eventually. Eventually, in some way, it will happen.

She has a lot of other cute stuff in her shop here if you want to check it out.

~M

i'm back!

So, I've been gone for a few days, because I was at a wedding in New Orleans! It was quite lovely.



On the fertility front, I finally got my period, so a new cycle is finally here. It was a 61 day cycle; jeez louise. So, this round of clomid was OBVIOUSLY not successful considering I never ovulated. But, onward and upward! At least I finally began a new cycle! Hooray to that!

~M