on your marks, get set, go! (again!)

Sorry for the long gap in posts, my friends. Really, I just didn't have a lot to report. I've just been in the "waiting" period, waiting for a new cycle to start so that we could officially start trying again. In the meantime, I've been doing weight watchers for 5 weeks and have lost a total of 6 pounds. If you'll recall, last week I was up 2.2 pounds. Well, this week I lost 1.2 pounds, so, I've ALMOST gotten rid of what I inexplicably gained the prior week. I'm very happy I lost, but a little bummed that I didn't completely get rid of that stupid 2.2 pounds. Oh well. Next week.

Anyway, I guess it wasn't SO inexplicable, given that I was on progesterone, and apparently progesterone makes you gain weight. Whee. I had been on it trying to induce my period so that we could reset things. Anyway, it worked! As of yesterday- I've started a brand new cycle. This is the most excited I've ever been to be crampy, bloated, irritable and breaking out. This Sunday I'll start the clomid and dexamethasone (my wonder ovulation drugs) and take those for 5 days and hopefully get some ovulation goin'! Then I am going to the doctor on the 18th to get a sonogram and then hopefully we'll do an IUI that week. I may just be projecting, but I'm pretty sure I can feel that my ovaries are psyched to do a really good job this month. I can tell they are ready to ROCK this.

Honestly, I hope I'm able to get pregnant faster this time. I have hope (?) that I could, (only because we know so much more about the drug combo that works for me, and various other things about my cycle/body) but I don't want to get my hopes up TOO much. I just feel like I don't have as much patience this time around. It's not an angry impatience… it's more of a "I've already had a taste of what could be, and I can't wait another YEAR for it! Hurry up, body!" kind of impatience. Anyway, I know that I just have to be patient, because there's no way to rush it. I just have to do everything I can, trust my doctor, and hope that it works. Keep your fingers crossed for me!

On another, totally unrelated note, I think I'm going to widen my horizons a tiny bit when it comes to this blog. You see, originally I had intended for it to be a place to chart/vent/journal my trip down infertility lane, but I also wanted to throw in a little splash of other things going on in my life. I tried a couple of times, (like here and here) but the baby stuff always blurred into it. So, I'm going to start trying to occasionally just blog about my non baby-makin' part of life, and non-baby things on my mind. We'll see how it goes.

SO! I'm excited. New start, new cycle, new hope- and all during a new season- Fall! Fall is my favorite and it's definitely arrived here (FINALLY!) in New York, so maybe all this newness happening at the beginning of Fall is an omen. An omen that good things are on the horizon- and I'm ready!

~M

*photo found here

worn out

I'm tired. I'm tired of all of this. Tired of fertility stuff, tired of staring at my chart wondering when or if I'll actually ovulate, tired of herbs, vitamins, temperatures, weight issues, food issues.... just, all of it. I don't know why I'm feeling this way now; but I feel like I've lost a little hope. No, not ALL hope. I still know it's possible and that we'll hopefully be able to have a baby someday. I think probably my meeting with the super doctor will help get my hopes back up.

But right now... right now- my heart hurts. My brain hurts; tired of all the "what ifs".

I'm just tired.

~M

10 months trying-to-get-pregnant-aversary

Happy anniversary to me? Today marks the 10th month of trying and trying and not yet succeeding in the game of baby makin'. Sometimes it's a fun game, (wink wink) and sometimes it's a heartbreaking, gut punching, soul crushing game. I guess not much of a fun game when it's those latter 3. But, we keep playing because hopefully, eventually, we'll win. A tiny little Ian, and tiny little me. This is what I keep my hopes up for. A tiny little person to love unconditionally.

So, I keep my head up (most of the time), and I keep pushing forward. I stumble often, but get back up. My hopes get dashed frequently, but, every new cycle is like a new beginning. Because we really want this. I want this more than I've ever wanted anything in my entire life. And my desire for it never wanes; only grows stronger.

So, happy 10th months of trying to me. It's not a sad anniversary, because I'm so happy that we decided to start a family! However, It's not an anniversary I hope to continue to celebrate for long.

Oh, you know what else? It also marks the one month anniversary of this little blog!! The little blog that probably two people read, but oh well! I started it for myself- to vent, to complain, to give myself hope. Thanks to all who read it though! And best of luck to all of you out there that are also on this journey!

~M

welcome!

Hello, and welcome to my blog!

My name is Mariah and I live with my amazing husband in New York City. We started trying to get pregnant in June of 2009, and have been unsuccessful thus far. I started this so I'd have a place to vent about all things fertility, since it's all I seem to think about! I think maybe like 2 people will read this entry, so, it probably doesn't matter much what I say. :)

Ian and I got married in August of 2004. The thought of children wasn't even close to on our minds at that point, but we knew it was definitely in the future. At the end of 2006 we uprooted ourselves from our comfortable life in Seatle, WA, to move to New York City to pursue and adventure. Both of us did theater in Seattle, so we thought we may try and pursue that; but mostly we just wanted to have an exciting adventure.

In 2007 and 2008, I saw many friends getting pregnant and having kids, but we still had debt, and just didn't feel quite ready yet. However, by the end of 2009 I paid off all my debt, turned 32, and figured it was now or never. We both finally felt really ready. I had always had an irregular cycle, but every doctor I saw just brushed it off saying "you probably are just one of those women with an unpredictable cycle" and left it at that. So, we started trying. I bought books on fertility, started reading everything online that I could find, and made my initial visit to an OBGYN. I hadn't had my period for 11 weeks at that point, so I went to her to get checked out. She suggested acupuncture to get my cycles more regular, and I called that day to set it up. I've been doing acupuncture weekly since June, and I love it. My acupuncturist is amazing and has been so supportive and lovely through the whole process.

Once I started my first cycle of "trying", I was totally optimistic that it was going to happen quickly for us. Even though I said outwardly, "oh, we're in no hurry, it will happen when it happens", in my head I thought, "We are going to ROCK this! I bet it happens on the first try! People all over the world will MARVEL at our super fast knocked-up-ed-ness! We have super eggs and super sperm and this is going to be no trouble at ALL!"

But…. month after month went by and nothing. In November I was diagnosed with Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome; which explained my long, sporadic cycles, and also probably explains why I've always had trouble losing weight. I was sad about this, because PCOS makes it all the more difficult to get pregnant. Every website and book that I read said, "It's not impossible to get pregnant with PCOS, just more difficult." This should have made me feel better, but, it didn't.

(um, I don't think I'm good at "summarizing". This is a LONG summary. Sorry.)

I did a lot of research. I modified my diet, read a lot of books. Also, we tested Ian's sperm just to make sure he was ok, and he was. He totally has super sperms. :) He's very proud of that.

At this point, I'm on my 7th cycle (in 9 months). I did clomid this cycle, but as I'm on day 38 and have not yet ovulated; it doesn't seem to have done anything. I'm going in to the doctor today though, and we'll see what she says! I may just have to wait until next cycle and try another round of a higher dose of clomid.

It's been a fairly emotional roller coaster ride. Each cycle I'd try not to get my hopes up, but each cycle I did. I planned on how I'd tell our parents if we got pregnant around Christmas time, I planned on how I'd tell my husband on New Year's or Valentine's day…. Each cycle to be let down. And every new cycle I'd start out cautiously, and by the end be so hopeful and worked up, it was worse than the last.

Also, I have a bit of guilt about whining about it. I know that there are people who try for YEARS and nothing happens. And I realize we're only at 9 months, and I should just relax. But, when you're doing acupuncture weekly, taking your temperature every day, taking Chinese herbs multiple times a day, modifying your diet to a really annoying degree, and stuck at a desk job with NOTHING to do except browse blogs about babies… well…it's hard to relax. :) But I'm really trying, because I know that there could be a long road ahead.

I remain totally optimistic though. I really want us to be parents, and I think we'd be good ones. So, now I'm sharing all of my super private baby makin' business with the internets. I'm really hopeful that this blog will turn into a blog about trying to get pregnant, to someday about BEING pregnant, and finally to being a mom. My very own splendid endeavor.

~M