holidays and sonograms!

Hello everyone! I hope you had a lovely Thanksgiving holiday! I know I did. My sweet brother is visiting us from Seattle, and we've just been having a grand time. I made us a small turkey dinner on Thursday, a fun day of sleeping in, lounging, cooking, visiting, and the Macy's parade on TV. It wasn't fancy, but it was cozy and the food was good if I do say so myself. :)

OH! And of course, as I mentioned, I had my sonogram on Wednesday! Everything looks a-ok! Heartbeat is good, in the 120's which is good for 7 weeks. Today we are officially at 7 weeks, 3 days, which is the exact point in my pregnancy that I miscarried last time. So, when tomorrow comes, we'll be in new territory. However, it all looked good on the sonogram, and I have another one scheduled for Thursday. Yay!

My nausea seems to be slightly less frequent, which is good, but always worries me. I like my symptoms; they're a little reassurance that all is well. However, I'm pretty darn tired all the time, and have other symptoms, so I think all is well so far. :) Can't wait until Thursday so I can see more baby and baby heartbeat!

On an unrelated-to-baby-stuff note, we took my brother to the Metropolitan Museum of Art yesterday. It was my second visit and I quite enjoyed it. Saw lots of cool stuff, including some very famous and lovely paintings.

All in all, everything is great! I just hope it keeps on going so well. :)

Hope everyone had a grand Thanksgiving! I sure know what I'm thankful for!


~M

perhaps i spoke too soon, nausea

Yes, I was hoping you'd show up, because you didn't really last time, and so I see this as a very good sign. HOWEVER... because of you I could barely eat breakfast this morning and am currently trying to decide what to have for lunch, and NOTHING sounds good. Except Sprite.

I also have a cold, which kinda blows. It’s not a really major cold, but it is seriously hanging on since I'm not taking any medicine for it. I am hoping it slowly goes away and is gone by Thanksgiving, because we have company! Our favorite Thanksgiving company; my brother. He is our Thanksgiving tradition. :) We’ve had Thanksgiving with him at least 5 times, though maybe more. Ok, well, I PERSONALLY have had many, many Thanksgivings with him, since he is after all, my brother. But as a married or engaged couple, it has been at least 5 times. So, that will be fun! I’m cooking our tiny little three person dinner, and we’ll just chill around the house watching the parade and Thanksgiving movies. Quite excited!

On the baby front, we have an ultrasound on Wednesday morning, so that will be a good thing. Keep your fingers crossed for all good news. I’d like to be able to see a heartbeat and all the necessary parts; fetal pole, yolk sac, etc. So, here’s hoping!

It's pretty nervewracking waiting for this ultrasound. We both are just praying that it all looks good. I have high hopes, since my hcG numbers were such over-acheivers, and since I'm all nauseated and tired, etc. So, these are all good signs. We'll just have so much more peace of mind after Wed. Another thing stressing us out is that last time, we lost the baby at 7 weeks 3 days, and I'm currently at 6 weeks 3 days. So, we're nearing that point, and of course, it's scary. But, I feel a lot more pregnant this time, so I think it will be all ok.

~M

hello, nausea. i’ve been hoping you’d visit.

Well, folks, it seems the nausea has hit. Full force. Not every day, but several so far; a couple so bad that eating in general just sounded BAD. I quite understand “food aversions” now, as any type of meat sounds terrible, as do most sweet things. It seems to help if I’m really hydrated, though not always. And it also sometimes help when I eat something, but since I often times don’t feel like eating… well, you see the problem.

At first saltines helped, but now they just sound kind of gross. Mostly ginger ale and Sprite are the biggest helpers, but I feel bad drinking too much of that kind of stuff. I have not thrown up yet, though there are a few times when I wish I could have; maybe I would have felt better afterwards. I guess I’ll be careful what I wish for.

HOWEVER. Amidst all this “poor me, I’m nauseated! And did I mention tired? So tired!”- there is one major thing: I AM PREGNANT. And honestly- though being sick is never fun- it is COMPLETELY worth it. This has been a really long journey so far, and we're not out of the woods yet. So, every once in a while, as I sit here feeling green, I just remember the reason- and I smile. :)
I'm a lucky girl.

~M

update on "inconclusive"

So, I get my ultrasounds done at an imaging center; not at my doctor’s office. This is mostly because my doctor is a fertility doc; not an OB, so he doesn’t have time to do all the ultrasounds. Anyway, so, as I mentioned, the OB tech just told me that it was “inconclusive”. AH, how comforting, right? Just what every woman who’s hoping to be pregnant wants to hear.

Anyway, my doctor’s office called this afternoon, and said that my hcG levels are awesome, and are up to 25,321! YAY! And since they’ve only done nothing but good things this time, she told me I “graduated” from bloods, and I no longer have to go in to get them done! Double yay!

GRADUA-SHEE-OHN!

Here’s the rundown, if you care:

11/2- 80
11/4- 247
11/8- 1907
11/11- 5700
11/15- 25,321

So, that’s great news. THEN, she said that they did NOT expect to see a fetal pole in that ultrasound (um, that really would have been nice to know, but whatever.). So, that’s a load off (for now). Anyway, I have another ultrasound scheduled for next week- where they DO expect to see a fetal pole. So, cross your fingers!

~M

inconclusive

Well, my ultrasound on Friday didn’t go how I would have liked. I was nervous, but really wasn’t too worried- since my hCG is already so much better than last time (Thursday’s number was 5700- up from 1907 on Tuesday). The ultrasound tech is the same lady I had for my very first ultrasound, and also for the ultrasound I found out that I was miscarrying. I think at first she thought I was being abused or something, because she looked quite surprised when she looked at my stomach and it was covered with bruises. Then once I clarified, she looked relieved. :)

She did her thing and didn’t say much. I still wasn’t worried, because the first ultrasound I had back in August, she didn’t say much either until the end. So, I thought this was just like that time. At the end though, she said she was going to talk to the doctor and be right back. She was gone for 30 minutes, which really started to make me worry. When she got back, I asked her if everything was ok, and she said the ultrasound was “inconclusive”. I asked her to clarify, and basically she said she saw a gestational sac but no fetal pole. Don’t know what that is? Yeah, neither did I. So, I wikipedia’d it:

The fetal pole is a thickening on the margin of the yolk sac of a fetus during pregnancy. It is usually identified at 6.5 weeks with abdominal ultrasound imaging, and 6 weeks with vaginal ultrasound imaging. However it is quite normal for the fetal pole to not be visible until about 9 weeks. The fetal pole may be seen at 2–4 mm crown-rump length (CRL), and heart motion is often detected when it is seen. In the embryo, the heartbeat is seen as a regular flutter, which should be first evident at 5 mm CRL. If the embryo is less than 5 mm CRL, it is possible for it to be healthy without showing a heartbeat, though a follow up study in 5–7 days will almost always demonstrate the heartbeat.

Last time I was pregnant, I saw a heartbeat and everything at the first ultrasound, but I got it at 6 weeks; this time they sent me at 5 weeks. So, I’m just hoping that it was too early to see anything. Of course if you look up “ultrasound, no fetal pole” you get everything from “don’t worry, sometimes it’s too early to tell” to “this is a sign you will miscarry”. So, yay! I love not knowing. I just wish they hadn’t sent me in so early. Sigh. So, I’m waiting for Dr. David’s office to call me today to tell me what my blood levels were from this morning, and also to talk to me about the ultrasound. I hope they think it’s ok; that will help me a little.

More waiting, more not knowing. I think it’s positive that my hcG has been good so far (though we’ll see what it says today); so, I’m hoping that means things are going to be ok. Though it doesn’t help that you can find stories online that say “my hcG was great, but they didn’t see a fetal pole and I miscarried.” Blech. There are also stories that say “They didn’t see a fetal pole, but a week later, they did, and now all is well.” So, it goes both ways.

Just more waiting, and crossing of fingers.

~M

holding back

Well, I can't lie and say that being pregnant this time around is as full of hope as the last time. Don't get me wrong; I'm SO happy that I got pregnant so quickly after the miscarriage. And I do hope that it works this time- of course I do! I hope that with all of my heart. And, I'm excited to be pregnant… but it is completely different this time. I find myself getting excited about it, and then I feel myself pulling back a little. I guess just trying to protect myself a bit, and manage my expectations. Yes, it could definitely go perfectly swimmingly this time, and we'll have a little tiny Fraser come July 2011. Or, the same thing could happen as last time. It could go either way. I'm hoping for the former, but I think I'm trying to keep my heart from getting too attached for now.

As you'll recall; last time my hcG numbers were quite telling. The first three were very good, and then they stopped doubling, and even went down a couple of times. Not good. But, everyone told me not to worry, because the sonograms all looked good. This time, so far, the numbers are very good. I've only had 3 done though, so far, so, we'll see what the numbers are tomorrow and next week. If they keep going up the way they should (doubling every 2-3 days), I'll feel a lot better.

Here they are so far:

11/2- 80- yay, pregnant!
11/4- 247- more than tripled!
11/8- 1907- big jump! so far so good...

I have an ultrasound on Friday afternoon, which I'm both excited and nervous for. This first ultrasound is again to determine that the pregnancy is in the right place (uterus, not fallopian tubes) and to make sure that blood flow to the uterus is good. Last time when I had my first ultrasound, I also got to see the little heartbeat, so, I'm kind of hoping for that again. I would feel SO happy if my numbers were awesome and then I got to see a heartbeat.

I don't have many symptoms yet. Last night I did have some really wicked nausea though. It appears as though my worst bouts of it so far are coming at night. I've had a bit of it during the day, but it seems to be a little worse at night. (I mean, it has been for a few nights now. I guess I haven't known I was pregnant long enough for there to be much of a pattern yet, so we'll see.)

So, mostly? I'm happy and excited, but it's different this time. People reacted differently as well. I mean, we haven't told that many people (um, except the internet I guess), but with a few people we told in person or over the phone, there was a difference in the way they reacted. A hesitance. Which, isn't bad, because frankly; that's how I reacted too. I was excited, but equally nervous and scared.

I can't wait until things seem a little more sure. So I can enjoy looking at baby stuff instead of thinking "Why am I doing this to myself if things could just turn out like they did last time?". So I can think about the future and how different our lives will be after July, without thinking "or, maybe they won't be different. Maybe they'll be exactly the same as they have been for the last year and a half". So I can just enjoy my pregnancy. I want that so badly.

So, for now, all I can do is wait to see what the blood results are tomorrow, and the next one (Monday I think) and hope for a good ultrasound.

Keep your fingers crossed for us!

~M

all in the details

Yesterday was kind of a regular day. Yes, it was voting day, and yes, it was the day that I was going to find out if I was pregnant or not, but it honestly didn't feel like that special of a day once I woke up. I had to get up extra early, because my blood draw was at 8:15am on the east side in midtown, and I had to vote beforehand. So, I guess yesterday started out as a sleepy day mostly. Then a kind of dorkily excited day, because I really like voting. Even if my party doesn't win, I still feel so patriotic, filling out my little ballot.

Then I had to go get blood drawn. I was 15 minutes early, and grabbed the latest People magazine in the waiting room to catch up on Courtney Cox and David Arquette, and the Chilean miners. I still wasn't thinking much about WHY I was getting blood drawn. In the last 4-5 months, I've had so much blood drawn, it just didn't feel that different. I also think I've been trying to protect myself a bit while waiting for the results of this blood test. I WANTED to be pregnant, but the odds are always against you, so, I figured best to assume you won't be pregnant; then the disappointment won't be as bad. That's what I tried to tell myself anyway.

After the blood draw, I headed to work, and just went about my day. I wasn't expecting any sort of call until 3pm (because that's when the last two calls came). I worked away, trying to distract myself. Trying to think about what it would feel like to start all over again; again. Really trying to gear myself up for the good possibility that I was not pregnant.

At 12:20pm yesterday, my office phone rang. I thought nothing of it, because they don't usually call my work phone. I answered with my customary "This is Mariah" greeting, and was greeted back by, "Hello Mariah- It's Kathy from Dr. David's office." WAIT! Wait. I had planned on seeing that it was them on the caller ID before I picked up, because then I could gear myself up and also, listen to the nurse's voice. You see, the first call I got, when I wasn't pregnant, the nurse sounded all sympathetic when she said "This is so and so from Dr. David's office". And then the second time (when I WAS pregnant) she sounded all chipper and happy! So, I was planning on listening for that tell-tale clue, but I wasn't prepared! They called 3 hours early, and they called a different phone. Annnnywayyyy.. (is it getting annoying that I'm drawing this out with such stupid mundane details?), then she said… "Congratulations! You're pregnant!"

So, yep! We've done it again. It was weird getting the news this time. I was happy, but I felt COMPLETELY different this time. I felt excited, but at the same time scared- thinking about my miscarriage; wondering if it would happen again. Worrying about getting my hopes all up only to miscarry again. But as the day wore on, I started to feel even happier and more excited, because- hey! Maybe it will work this time! Maybe we'll be parents come July 2011. Maybe the best will happen, instead of the worst. This is what I hope for. :)

So, there's my news! Knocked up once again! Quite pleased about it, and looking forward to everything ahead. In the meantime, I've got lots of things I'm not allowed to do; exercise, carry heavy things, no air travel- which sadly means no coming home for the holidays :( I go in tomorrow to get more tests done on my blood, so I'll let you know how that goes.
In the meantime; I'm just happy as a clam, and feel so excited to start this journey again. :)

Thanks to everyone for all the amazing support. :) I'm so lucky to have all of you!

~M

patience

Patience is hard. I have been told on several occasions regarding all of this fertility stuff that I have a lot of patience. Maybe this is true; but honestly, it's not like you can rush things along. You can only go as fast as your body will let you.

I am working REALLY hard at managing my expectations for tomorrow's news. Trying to be realistic. Realize that the odds are against me. BUT....

It sure doesn't help when you're nauseated all day. And yes, you realize that you ARE really tired (didn't go to bed early enough) so that could have caused the nausea, and that you ARE on metformin, which is known for stomach problems, and also you ARE on progesterone, which, who knows if it messes with your stomach, but it's a hormone, so, I'm sure it messes with everything. But no, being nauseated all day does NOT help you to not think about the fact that you're taking a pregnancy test in the morning.

SIGH.

~M