2.2 pounds of frustration

So, as you may remember- I'm doing Weight Watchers in order to get a little healthier while we're waiting for the next cycle to start. I've been doing SO well; tracking all my food, working out 3-5 times a week, and as of last week, I had lost 7 pounds in 3 weeks. That's an average of 2.3 pounds a week, people! Woo hoo!

Anyway, I go in to my weekly meeting tonight, feeling pretty good. A little bloated maybe, but c'mon- I'm on a roll! I was expecting at LEAST a pound gone.

Instead?

GAINED 2.2 pounds.

WTF????????

So irritated. It could be a number of things. One possibility- my progesterone (that I'm taking to bring on my period) messes with my digestion a bit, also makes me retain some water, and apparently a side effect can be weight gain. But you know what? That doesn't make me feel better. Because, Universe? I need a fucking WIN right now. Pardon my potty mouth, but since the miscarriage, I feel even more out of control of my body than I did when we were trying to conceive, and I really want this to go well.

I track everything I eat. I work out, take loads of vitamins, drink water, get sleep, eat nutritionally balanced meals. I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing.

Not that I'm really surprised. PCOS does make it harder to lose weight. I've always struggled. But... I just wanted this to go well for just a while longer.

I know there's nothing to be done except keep on going. I just needed to vent a bit. I will keep going this week and I'm not giving up. I just hope the universe helps me out next Tuesday.

~M

P.S.

Please know that I'm aware I'm doing everything right- and know that I'm trying not to be discouraged. It's just an annoying setback, but I know it will get better again.

*photo found here

oh, man.

So, if you look off to the left in my little blog, you'll see a section entitled "followers". Last week, I totally had 18 followers. Today? 17.

Someone UN followed me! Methinks I don't have a thick enough skin for this; hard not to take being "unfollowed" personally! :)

I don't have a lot to say today. I'm trying to be a lot more relaxed about this whole "trying to get pregnant" thing this time around. And I'm doing pretty well so far, I think. Managing everything that comes my way, and just taking a deep breath when I feel stressed or anxious.

OH- except that ONE TIME, when someone UNFOLLOWED ME!

The nerve.

;)

(Of course you know, I'm only kidding. Follow me, don't follow me, I don't mind. I'm writing this mostly for me.)

:)

~M

****UPDATE****

All is right with the world again; I have my 18 followers back. I don't know who left, but thanks for coming back! :) Or, thanks to the new person who gave me a "pity follow"! :)

four weeks

I looked at the calendar today, and realized it's been exactly one month today since I lost my first pregnancy. In a way, it seems like it happened just yesterday; and conversely it also seems like it was eons ago.

I definitely feel that Ian and I have healed quite a bit since then. We still have moments. Moments where the loss of so many things (the pregnancy, the FIRST pregnancy, some of our hope, plans….etc.) washes over us and feels a bit all-consuming. And sometimes those moments turn into hours and days. Recently, I've had some really hard days…but, for the most part, we are healing.

After my doctor appointment last week, I was overwhelmed. I waited in the uber fancy waiting room and all the nurses knew me. They gave me sad smiles and said I looked well. Offered me sparkling water. In his office, I sat down and he asked me about my miscarriage (oh- how I HATE typing or saying that word) and got some details, and then turned the page in my chart to reveal a blank, brand new white page.

"Ok. Should we start again?"

Well, to me, I thought he meant "Should we start talking about next steps and see where things go…?". Naive? yes. But I think that I just didn't feel quite ready to just start over again, and both Ian and I had talked about how we just weren't ready.

But, when Dr. David said, "Ok. Should we start again?" he meant START AGAIN. As in; let's get a bun in that oven STAT.

whoa there.

See, most recently, (as you may recall) we had been thinking that maybe we'd wait a few months before trying again. Everything I read said you should wait 1-2 cycles before trying again. Now, I think maybe that was mostly for emotional healing, but some articles also mentioned getting your body synced back into a rhythm again. Well, since my body has never HAD a rhythm before (oh, hello 85 day cycle!) I wasn't totally sure how that would work.

Anyway, we talked, and talked. He said "no, we don’t need to wait several cycles." But, since I haven't had a period since June, he gave me progesterone to take for 10 days, and then 10-15 days later, I should get my period. So, basically we'd technically be waiting one cycle.

I told him about Ian's pain issues, and we discussed how that would affect things. He mentioned that maybe an IUI would be the best way to go the first time around, assisted of course with my old pals- Clomid and Dexamethasone.

ANYway…. my head was swirling for the rest of that day. I went home and spewed it all out at Ian, and completely overwhelmed him. You see, by the end of that appointment, I was like "Hells YES! Let's make another baby, dammit! What are we waiting for??" Oh, sure, I was also thinking, "Holy crap. This is a lot. We have to start ALL over again. yikes." but then I'd be right back to, "Let's DO this, y'all! I want us to be parents!!" Anyway. Poor Ian; I just dumped it all over him.

A few days went by, and we had some time apart (I was the most social butterfly I've been in a long time- went out THREE nights in a row…) and then on the third night when we went out together, he declared; "I want to have a baby. Let's do this." So, we had a beer (WHAT? we haven't started YET….) and talked it all through. We both decided that life is short; we want a baby, we got the go ahead from our excellent doctor- what are we waiting for?

I started my progesterone and now we just wait. We also decided that we do want to do an IUI this first time, as we found out today that we can afford at least one, maybe 2, and it might take some of the pressure off the first time back in the game. The IUI will likely be in late October.

Until then, I'm continuing on my path to get as healthy as possible (down 5.2 pounds. woot!) and try and just think positively. I know some days that will be easier said than done… but four weeks ago, I didn't think I'd ever feel hopeful about this again.

So, that's it. Time to start daily temperature taking, acupuncture, herbs, charts, pills, doctor visits...

Time to start over.

Ready? On your mark, get set….holy crap….

~M

*photo found here

tomorrow? oh..um, ok...

So, today I finally got up the nerve to call Dr. David's office and make my appointment for "what happens next". I'll admit- I was putting it off. They weren't calling me, so, I knew it was up to me... I just was not wanting to call.

But, I called today thinking they'd say, "Sure, come in on Friday, or next week or something."

Instead she said, "Do you want to come in tomorrow at 9:15am?"

"oh, um, ok... I, sure, yeah, that'd be, uh, ok. yeah. yep."

I am still not ready to try yet, but I want to talk to him about it all and see what he thinks and get his opinion on how long we should wait to try. Also, Ian is still struggling with his pain, and we need to wait for this to get better until we start trying again. Poor guy; I really hope he feels better soon- he's been dealing with this for over a year now.

So, we'll see what he says. I have this weird, nauseated, pit-in-my-stomach feeling about going back to him. He's great; and has been nothing but fabulous the whole time, but since I'm not really ready to start trying yet; it just all feels weird. Completely different from the first consultation I had with him. Gone is the blind hope; replaced with fear of everything failing again. I'm sure the hope will come back someday, but it won't ever be the same. It will always be tainted with fear.

But, I think it's a good first step and it will be helpful to see what he says.

~M

calendar

I just looked at my iPhone calendar for last Friday, and realized I was supposed to have my 3rd ultrasound that day. I cancelled the appointment the week I miscarried, but forgot to remove it from my calendar. Luckily I'm not very good with the iPhone calendar and I forgot to set a reminder so nothing popped up. Seeing it though just made me really sad and brought back a flood of emotions.

The baby would have been 10 weeks. I would have heard the heartbeat.

This sucks.

~M

duped.

I feel totally duped. Tastes nothing like cake. False advertising.

~M

getaway

Sorry I've been a bit absent lately. Just not really a lot to report. The long weekend was quite lovely though; ah, how I wish all weekends were 3 days.

We took a nice drive up the coast on Sunday and spent the day in Mystic, CT (the town that the awesome movie Mystic Pizza was based on). It was a beautiful town (if a tad touristy) and it was nice to be near the water.
We are feeling better in general, but still have low days for sure. For some reason Monday was a hard day for me. Don't entirely know why; just sort of felt like all of the sudden everything was very stressful, and overwhelming and sort of just sitting on my chest. But, the day ended and the next day was much better. Mostly due to him:

I had my first Weight Watchers weigh in on Tuesday, and so far I've lost 3.8 pounds. :) Quite pleased with that considering in Mystic I had ice cream AND pizza. Though all within my points range so it was ok. :) And very tasty.

I'm looking forward to the changing of the season. Not just because I hate New York summers, but because the changing of the season to me always brings hope of "possibilities" and "change". And both of those sound pretty darn good.

~M

for ian

I started this post last week, and I guess I just didn't have the energy to finish it. It's short, but I wanted to finish it to tell Ian how much he means to me.

I never would have made it through the last two weeks without him. He's been amazing and wonderful (as always), and I just think I'm the luckiest woman in the world to have him as my partner.

I saw this E.E. Cummings poem quoted somewhere, and it instantly made me think of him.

I love you, sweetie.

~M

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in
my heart) i am never without it (anywhere
i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)

i fear

no fate (for you are my fate,my sweet) i want
no world (for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you
here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart
i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)

-E.E. Cummings

courage and strength and health

I thought I could stop reading baby blogs.

And I have stopped reading a lot of them. But some of them- mostly the ones where the baby is brand new, or the mom is still pregnant... those are harder to stop reading.

Why do I read them? I don't consider myself self destructive or someone who likes to be in pain. In fact, I quite hate being sad and in pain. I tend to avoid it at all costs. I think though, the blogs make me feel connected still, to the things I lost. I lost the identity of being a pregnant lady. I lost the chance to ever have my "first pregnancy." I lost my husband's nightly talks to the little blueberry and the pride and happiness and love on his face when he did so. I lost the excitement of looking forward to April of 2011, knowing that we'd be a family of 3 by then. I lost a little piece of my heart.

I lost my baby.

But I think sometimes these blogs make me feel like it wasn't and isn't so far away. Though sometimes they just make me cry; and when that happens I just click back to something less sad to read.

Also, I wish I didn't have envy of pregnant people. I don't WANT to. I hate envy; it's the ugliest emotion, and it's completely useless. I guess I have little blips of envy; not constant, but it's there every once in a while. I hate it.

Today I was reading a design blog, and since the author is a new mother, she posted birth stories every Wednesday starting when she found out she was pregnant. They were so fun to read, because every story was different, and it really gave you a sense of how you just never know how your birth will go. I think reading some of the more negative ones would scare some people, but I liked having the knowledge and I also liked seeing the strength of all those women that went through hell, and in the end, it didn't matter, because they had a sweet little baby in their arms. But today's story was different.

It was a story about a woman who at 36 weeks, had a placental abruption, and the baby died in utero- but she had to deliver it naturally, because she was losing too much blood for a c-section. She had to go through labor, knowing her baby would not be alive when it was finally born.

It sounds so sad (and it IS) but she got through it, and derived so much strength from what happened, and eventually did go on to have a healthy baby. She really really inspired me.

I realize that what I went through is COMPLETELY different. My baby was only a little over 7 weeks old. It just doesn't compare to what she went through; but I still get a lot of inspiration from hearing her story and reading about her immense strength. You'd think that it would just make me horribly sad to read it (and it did, for a few minutes) but it also gave me strength. Courage. Knowing that I can handle this. It's hard; but I can do it.

On a slightly different note, last weekend (after pizza, 3 nights in a row of gin and tonics and dinner at a pub that may or may not have included splitting a pitcher of beer with my man) I decided I was done being self destructive. You see, though I was THRILLED to be pregnant, (and I was. I've never been happier.) I always was a little sad that I wasn't exactly at a healthy weight when I conceived. It wasn't a vanity thing; it was a concern for my baby and their future health. You read all of this literature about how being overweight when pregnant has been tied to children having problems with their weight later on in life. I didn't want that. I knew that most likely my child would inherit my genes for weight struggle, but I didn't want to add on top of that. However, I was pregnant, and I just decided that I would have to be as healthy as possible during my pregnancy.

Now that I'm no longer pregnant, this weekend I decided that for my future children, I'm going to do my damndest to lose some weight and be healthier before I'm pregnant again. I've not spoken to my doctor yet, but everything I've read said that you should wait 2-3 cycles before trying again. Not sure if that applies to me, since unmedicated, my cycles can last upwards of 3 months a piece. So, I guess we'll see on that front.

Now, don't get me wrong; I ate quite healthily before, but my body holds on to weight like crazy; so when I lose weight, I have to be VERY strict about calories in and out, portions, and I have to exercise a great deal. So, that's what I'm going to do. For the next few months, I'm going to push it, hard. I am motivated and get strength from the thought of my future children, and how I want to be the healthiest I can be when I carry them, and after. I re-joined Weight Watchers, and will start exercising twice a day- 5-6 days a week. This may sound like a lot; but lets remember that I'm sitting on my butt for at least 10 hours a day (1 hour commute on the subway both ways, and 8 hours of work), so 60-90 minutes of exercise in one day isn't actually too much. And, it's necessary.

Necessary to get healthier and lose some weight, and also to distract and empower me. I always worried about getting lots of exercise while we were trying to conceive, because they say that lots of exercise can screw up your cycle. Having a fairly screwy cycle to begin with, I was worried I'd make it worse. But right now, I don't care. My only focus is health. We can't try now anyway, and I'm not sure if emotionally we'd be ready to try if we could.

So, I do this for my future babies, my husband, and me. Every day is still hard. Today has been an oddly hard day. But, after reading that birth story, and realizing this weekend that self destruction with food and alcohol isn't going to make anything better, I'm committed to being healthier. And soon, I'm sure, happier.

~M