that’s about the size of it

So, there’s no denying it; when you get pregnant- you are inevitably going to get bigger. You can’t avoid it. And when you’re pregnant with twins, you’re going to get even bigger than that. And when you started out as not a small person to begin with; well, say goodbye to your toes. You won’t be seeing them for a while.

Having a gigantic belly is something I’m quite aware of. There isn’t really any part of the day where I’m surprised to look down and see the basketball sized bump under my shirt. And for the most part, people have been very nice about the fact that the bump just keeps getting bigger and bigger. In fact, I read other blogs or hear other people’s stories about how people are always commenting on how big they are, and up until a few weeks ago, I thought I was one of the lucky ones that was going to escape people’s comments.

I was wrong.

Now, I haven’t had too many yet; but they’re starting to escalate. And since I look like a full term pregnant lady (women with twins generally measure 8 weeks ahead of those having one), I assume once I PASS looking full term, and just ginormous, the comments will continue to happen.

Some people (these are people I know- not strangers) just keep saying “Wow, you just keep getting bigger and bigger” or “wow, you’re just huge!”, every time I see them. Ok, yes. This might be true. But so far this is only women friends saying this to me. Now, ladies. Even though I’m pregnant, (and as I mentioned before, it’s a given that I’ll get bigger), when have you EVER wanted someone to say “wow! You’re big!” to you? Maybe you don’t care if you were already petite to begin with, but if you’re ever someone who has struggled with body image, having someone say “Holy crap! You’re huge!” doesn’t really feel good. Yes, I know it’s hard not to comment. But couldn’t you say something like, “Those babies sure are growing!” or “what a lovely belly!” or SOMEthing?

Now, as far as the comments from strangers, I’ve only had two official ones. I HAVE, however, had lots of people blatantly stare; and not look away for a long time. The first comment was a gentleman visiting our office. I was seating him in a conference room, and he asked when I was due. I gave my standard response, “Around the end of June, with twins.” I have to add the “with twins” part, so that people realize why I already look like I’m going to pop. His response? “Oh, with twins. Well, that makes sense. I was going to say, ‘End of June? But you’re already so big!’ but now that I know it’s twins, that makes sense.” Um, was it really necessary to tell me what rude thing you were GOING to say?

And finally, I had a very “New York” rude comment this morning on my way out of Grand Central Station. This guy with a very thick New York accent saw me walking down the street and as he passed me he LOUDLY said “Whoa! That HAS to be twins! Whoa!” and just kept walking by, like he wasn’t saying it to me, just generally commenting. Nice.

Sigh. I know that some people just can’t help it. And most of the time, I honestly don’t care. But I just wish that sometimes people would think about what they’re saying, BEFORE they say it. I’m not saying you have to ignore the fact that it looks like I’m smuggling a watermelon, but you know, try to be nice about it.

~M

the best laid plans

So, I’ve been dreaming/planning/thinking about babies and all things associated with pregnancy pretty much since we started officially trying back in June of 2009. Different ideas about many things have come and gone; Nursery designs, diapering options, pregnancy plans, parenting styles, etc. But one thing I’ve always really wanted; was a natural birth. Maybe in a tub, or at a birthing center, most likely with a midwife and a doula. This was something I knew I always wanted, for several reasons. One; I don’t do well with medication, needles, etc. So, any chance to avoid all of that sounds great to me. Also, I like the idea of being able to be aware of my body, and really feel everything. I know, I know. Childbirth is painful, and definitely no picnic. But I really wanted to just be aware of and feel everything.

Well, so far, this whole journey has not turned out as I pictured. I always thought I’d have SOME trouble getting pregnant; but only because of irregular cycles. I didn’t think anything was actually WRONG with me, like PCOS. I thought I just had a wonky cycle. I certainly didn’t think it would take as long as it did to conceive (though I know many others wait MUCH longer); even though I read the statistics about PCOS and conceiving. I knew I could be at higher risk for miscarriage; with the PCOS and then with the Factor V, but I never thought it would actually HAPPEN. I really never wanted to have to take any medication to ovulate, and I also never wanted to do anything like an IUI. Yet, all of these things happened. I had to jump through way more hoops and compromise my “ideal” on most things in order to have what I wanted most; a baby of our own.

Through each step, I’ve been disappointed, and then finally made my peace with it; because it was how it had to be. I did have an AMAZING Reproductive Endocrinologist, Dr. Sami David, so I was truly lucky in that respect. But I did have to adjust my way of thinking of things.

Back to the “one thing I always knew I wanted”; a natural birth. Well, once again, I will have to let this dream go. There are VERY few midwives that would take a twin birth. It’s too risky. So, that’s out. Along with birthing center, and tub birth. I most likely will have to give birth in the Operating Room, because they have to be prepared to do an emergency c-section. Because of THIS, they have to automatically give me an epidural. I’ve not clarified it with my doctor, but in some of the books I’ve read, they place the epidural line, but don’t administer the drugs until absolutely necessary (if I request them or if I have to have an emergency c-section). So, I have to clarify that part with her. Also, with twins, there is slightly less than 50% chance of a c-section, because if the first baby is not head down; you can’t deliver vaginally. I really need to prepare myself mentally for this. I’m WAY more scared of a c-section than I am of a drug free delivery, for many reasons. I don’t like the idea of being sliced open; I don’t like that I can’t hold them right afterwards, and that I have to lay there being sewn up for like an hour afterwards; I don’t like that the recovery time is so much longer; etc.- the list goes on. Honestly though, I will not be taking any chances. I’m too scared to lose my babies to take any chances. So, if my doctor recommends that I do something one way, I’ll do it. She’s great, and has delivered many sets of twins vaginally. So I know she’ll do everything she can to make it happen that way. But- it could go either way, and I need to prepare myself for this.

I think it will probably be the same process I went through to come to terms with all of the things along the way that didn’t “go as planned”. I mean, life rarely goes as planned, which sometimes makes it frustrating, but also makes it thrilling.

I know that no matter how it happens, the outcome will be that I have two new members of our little Fraser family. And that’s pretty much all that matters to me.

~M

honesty

I was recently given an award from Michele of the the lady is in. An award you guys! :) It's an honesty award, and because I won this award, I'm supposed to tell you 10 things about myself. I'm guessing it has to be 10 honest things. I mean, that would make sense given the title of the award. Hmm. I'm also guessing since I have like 3 readers, that you all know these 10 things, but here goes:

1. My middle name is Anne. Please don't forget the "e".

2. I used to drive a really awesome 1970 light yellow VW Beetle. I wish I had known anything about VW's to keep it running, because it was a super cute car- I loved it. But it broke down a LOT.

3. I love the city, but I'd really like to live in the country some day. Not SO far out that I couldn't get to a fairly decent sized town in under an hour though.

4. I also fantasize about living in a small town. But in my mind, the small town is extremely quaint and everyone knows everyone and is fabulously quirky. I MAY have watched too many episodes of Gilmore Girls. (But seriously guys, if you haven't seen that show, it's AWESOME. And I want to live in Stars Hollow.)

5. A few years back, I started painting my fingernails and toes bright cherry red. Now, on the rare occasion that I get a manicure or a pedicure, I find it hard to choose any other color.

6. When I see a kitty, it's REALLY hard for me not to pick it up. Even when people are like "oh, they don't really like to be picked up. " I usually try anyway. I love kitties. Even if they bite me.

7. I am 1/4 Lumbee Indian.

8. I have a new pet peeve since moving to New York; cutting your fingernails in public. It's just not ok, you guys. Just not ok.

9. I think it would be fun to live in so many parts of the world. I'd love to live in Northern California some day, or Arizona or New Mexico (because I think deserts are beautiful), or Maine, because I'd love to live on the beach in Maine. Italy, Ireland, London, Paris… so many places, so little time! I probably won't get to live all these places, but I sure hope to visit.

10. I am so excited to someday be a mother. And I'm excited for every stage; babies, toddlers, kindergarten, family vacations, school dances, high school, college… all of it. I just am so looking forward to it.

Thanks, Michele!

~M