who will you be?

Many times a day, I sit with my hands on my stomach, feeling the two little babies flutter around inside, and wonder; what will they be like? Will they be shy like their mom was, or super creative like their dad? Will they be tall, short, thin, chubby, outgoing, introverted, freckled, blue eyed, red headed, smart, athletic, musical… the list goes on; so many possibilities! And with two of them in there; they could be very similar, or complete opposites! It’s so exciting to think about; yet a little overwhelming at the same time.

I feel like I’m starting to reach a slightly overwhelmed stage in all of this. It feels very similar to the “senioritis” you get before you graduate high school or college. Yes, of course it’s quite different, but I think it’s because I know their arrival is SO close in the grand scheme of things, yet it sometimes still feels so far away! I know it will go quickly though, and they’ll be here before I know it. I still have things to do to prepare for their arrival, but we’re pretty close to ready. And though I do feel impatient to meet them, I also sometimes think “wait! I’m not ready! I’m not ready to have two babies that I’m in charge of. Not ready, I say!”. But I know that I am. I can keep reading books, and going to classes, and checking things off of lists, but I know that I’m ready enough, because I’m more than ready to love them. More than ready to talk to them, smile at them, keep them warm, fed, clothed, changed, safe and snuggled.

It will probably be a while before we see any real distinguishing personalities from each of them, so my curiosity about “who will you be” will probably have to wait a bit. But that’s ok. We have a whole lifetime to figure that out, and until then, we just can’t wait to meet them.

~M

*photo found here

the best laid plans

So, I’ve been dreaming/planning/thinking about babies and all things associated with pregnancy pretty much since we started officially trying back in June of 2009. Different ideas about many things have come and gone; Nursery designs, diapering options, pregnancy plans, parenting styles, etc. But one thing I’ve always really wanted; was a natural birth. Maybe in a tub, or at a birthing center, most likely with a midwife and a doula. This was something I knew I always wanted, for several reasons. One; I don’t do well with medication, needles, etc. So, any chance to avoid all of that sounds great to me. Also, I like the idea of being able to be aware of my body, and really feel everything. I know, I know. Childbirth is painful, and definitely no picnic. But I really wanted to just be aware of and feel everything.

Well, so far, this whole journey has not turned out as I pictured. I always thought I’d have SOME trouble getting pregnant; but only because of irregular cycles. I didn’t think anything was actually WRONG with me, like PCOS. I thought I just had a wonky cycle. I certainly didn’t think it would take as long as it did to conceive (though I know many others wait MUCH longer); even though I read the statistics about PCOS and conceiving. I knew I could be at higher risk for miscarriage; with the PCOS and then with the Factor V, but I never thought it would actually HAPPEN. I really never wanted to have to take any medication to ovulate, and I also never wanted to do anything like an IUI. Yet, all of these things happened. I had to jump through way more hoops and compromise my “ideal” on most things in order to have what I wanted most; a baby of our own.

Through each step, I’ve been disappointed, and then finally made my peace with it; because it was how it had to be. I did have an AMAZING Reproductive Endocrinologist, Dr. Sami David, so I was truly lucky in that respect. But I did have to adjust my way of thinking of things.

Back to the “one thing I always knew I wanted”; a natural birth. Well, once again, I will have to let this dream go. There are VERY few midwives that would take a twin birth. It’s too risky. So, that’s out. Along with birthing center, and tub birth. I most likely will have to give birth in the Operating Room, because they have to be prepared to do an emergency c-section. Because of THIS, they have to automatically give me an epidural. I’ve not clarified it with my doctor, but in some of the books I’ve read, they place the epidural line, but don’t administer the drugs until absolutely necessary (if I request them or if I have to have an emergency c-section). So, I have to clarify that part with her. Also, with twins, there is slightly less than 50% chance of a c-section, because if the first baby is not head down; you can’t deliver vaginally. I really need to prepare myself mentally for this. I’m WAY more scared of a c-section than I am of a drug free delivery, for many reasons. I don’t like the idea of being sliced open; I don’t like that I can’t hold them right afterwards, and that I have to lay there being sewn up for like an hour afterwards; I don’t like that the recovery time is so much longer; etc.- the list goes on. Honestly though, I will not be taking any chances. I’m too scared to lose my babies to take any chances. So, if my doctor recommends that I do something one way, I’ll do it. She’s great, and has delivered many sets of twins vaginally. So I know she’ll do everything she can to make it happen that way. But- it could go either way, and I need to prepare myself for this.

I think it will probably be the same process I went through to come to terms with all of the things along the way that didn’t “go as planned”. I mean, life rarely goes as planned, which sometimes makes it frustrating, but also makes it thrilling.

I know that no matter how it happens, the outcome will be that I have two new members of our little Fraser family. And that’s pretty much all that matters to me.

~M