the trouble with sleep

I'll just start this post out by saying- I love my girls. I pretty much want to spend every second of every day with them. They're adorable, sweet and just so fun to watch; most of the time it doesn't feel like a job to watch them all day.

Until nap time.

Nap time is the bane of my existence lately. I mean, it's never really been easy, but I think before I thought, "Oh, they're only 4 (or 5 or 6 or 7) months old, so the napping just isn't consistent yet". Well, tomorrow they are 9 months old; and I'm ready for some reliable napping, dammit. Just even one nap per day that I could count on even MOST of the time would be nice.

This is generally how it goes: Around 9:30-ish they start rubbing their eyes and seeming sleepy. So, I check their diapers and get ready to put them down for a nap. Now, my girls still have to be rocked to sleep (sigh. that's a post for another day), but I can't take them both in the bedroom at once, because while I'm rocking one, the other one will cry, or babble and keep the other awake. I used to just leave them on the floor playing with toys, but then they learned to roll over/sit up/scoot around, so that was no longer an option. Once they started being able to sit up, they stopped enjoying their swings at all. Then I started putting them in their activity chairs, but they would cry after being out here a few minutes by themselves. So, I now put them in their activity chairs, with a bunch of toys, right in front of the running washing machine. Laugh, but it works. They love watching the washing machine go.

ANYway, so one of them (usually just the least cranky one) sits in front of the washer playing in her chair, and I rock the other one to sleep. Usually takes between 5-10 minutes. I keep the door cracked so I can hear if activity chair baby starts crying at all. Once the first baby is down for her nap, I go get the second. If all goes well, that baby will quietly let me rock her to sleep. If all DOESN'T go well, that baby will cry and fuss and not WANT to go to sleep, and then will subsequently wake the first baby. Then I sigh and try and start all over again, this time with the second baby in the room, hoping she keeps quiet long enough to get the first baby back to sleep.

Once they're finally asleep all the books say, "oh, yeah, your babies will totally take two naps a day. One should be an hour long and the other should be two hours long. If they don't sleep that long, your baby is NOT getting enough sleep!" So, yay! The first nap will be an HOUR? Great! I'll get some breakfast and maybe take a shower and tidy up a bit and.... oh. I hear crying over the baby monitor 20 minutes in to the nap. I RUN down the hall to try and stop it before the other baby wakes up and NOPE. They are both awake. End of nap.

Second nap goes pretty much the same, except they are MORE cranky and MORE tired, so yay! This will probably be the 2 hour nap! Just like the book says! No? 40 minutes? And not even 40 minutes straight through. 40 minutes with me rocking one of the babies after they woke 25 minutes in.

Now, if this second nap ends early enough, I usually try and do a third nap. Sometimes I just take them for a drive, because honestly? I'm tired of the nap game for the day. But, if their second nap ends too late, and they aren't going to be tired for a third nap until 4:30 or so, then it's too late. We can't give them a nap too late, because it will interfere with their bedtime of 7pm.

I really don't quite know what to do about all of this. Most of the problem with the naps lies with them waking each other up. We could separate them, but ultimately, we want them to be used to the other baby and their noises. I'd also like to stop them from waking up 20-30 minutes in to the nap and having to rock them back to sleep. Because even just one hour that I could have for myself during the day to get things done, would be great.

I have the book "The no cry nap solution" and I have read some parts of it, but methinks it's time to just read the whole damn thing cover to cover, because mama needs a SOLUTION. And also, a shower.

(old picture. back when they fell asleep pretty darn easily.)

the doubts

It stands to reason that when you're a first time parent, you're bound to have questions as to whether or not you're doing things right. Questioning your methods for feeding, changing, soothing, dressing, and burping them. I started having my doubts right away.

Recently, my doubts have mostly surrounded around breastfeeding and sleeping. I've always wanted to exclusively breastfeed my girls, but from day one there were hurdles encountered. Poppy had to spend a couple of days in the NICU, and she was fed formula while there. I was breastfeeding Amelie, but when they did some standard tests on her, they found she had low blood sugar, so they gave her some formula as well. Also, I tried to do rooming in with Amelie, because I wanted her to be with me all night, but because I was stuck in bed (more on that soon when I recap part two of my birth story. soon- I swear!) I was unable to lift her in and out of her bassinet. So, one night, in tears, I called the nurse and had her take Amelie to the nursery to sleep, where she was fed formula. With all of this happening;, right out of the gate I kind of felt like a failure. I was pumping and saving my colostrum to feed them, but it just wasn't enough with everything that was going on.

Since they have been home, I've done a combination of breastfeeding, pumping and supplementing with formula. Until the last few days, they really couldn't breastfeed for much longer than 10 minutes (usually shorter) before they fell asleep. So, the routine was: Breastfeed for 10 or fewer minutes, feed them my pumped breastmilk pumped from the previous feeding, then pump for 15-20 minutes afterwards. Sometimes this was enough, but quite often at first, (especially when my milk was still coming in) they also needed some formula.  I really never wanted to feed them formula, but it's just how it worked out. I didn't feel TOO bad, since I was still giving them all of my breastmilk, but it still wasn't how I planned it. Nowadays, they can nurse for quite a long time, and it's evident that they're getting more breast milk, because when I pump, there isn't a lot left. However, they still are hungry afterwards, so I still have to supplement. I've purchased books on increasing my milk supply and am doing all I can to help this out, but for now, supplementing is necessary. I have worries occasionally that giving them formula is "bad", and that I should be able to feed them only breast milk. But it's just not possible right now, so I hold out hope that someday soon we can cut the formula out of the picture.

And, sleeping. Well, they honestly had been doing pretty well. Actually, since they were premature, the pediatrician told us we needed to wake them every two hours to eat. And this was honestly hard sometimes; they'd be so sleepy. Once they surpassed their birth weights and were a few weeks old, we were told they could go 3 hour stretches, and 4 hours at night. They did this for probably 1 1/2 weeks (though I think they only lasted 4 hours once), but now? Not so much. Poppy is having some sleep issues now and has been waking up after less than two hours, or just not going to sleep at all. It's so confusing, because in all of the books they say that they are approaching a time (6 weeks) where they will start staying awake a little longer. BUT, it also says, if the babies are premature, it would be 6 weeks AFTER their due dates. Which wouldn't be until late August. So, not sure what the deal with Poppy is nowadays. I realize that things with babies don't always go by the book, and that there are things like growth spurts to factor in, but when you're sleep deprived and exhausted, you start to doubt things. Is it something I'm doing? Does she need to eat more? Less? Sigh. Sadly, since Poppy can't talk yet, there's no real way to know for sure. And who knows; tomorrow she could stop doing it and move on to something else.

That said, I'm trying to embrace my doubts a little more, and realize that they're just part of being a parent. I feel good about the fact that I do research, but that I don't live by what I read. I take it in and consider it, but we don't just do something becuase a certain book says so. Especially considering the next book you read will say something completely different.

I know that my doubts will grow and change as they get older. One thing I am absolutely positive of though; we love these girls more than anything, and will always be doing whatever we can to take the best care of them. Even if we doubt ourselves from time to time along the way.

~M

weekly wednesday update

How far along? 21 weeks 6 days!

Total weight gain/loss: Haven't weighed myself since my last Tuesday doctor appointment, but as of then, I was up 4 pounds. I have another appointment this coming Tuesday, so I’ll have a more up-to-date number then. I feel like maybe I’ve started gaining more, but who knows. It’s so hard to tell. I definitely FEEL like I’ve gained more than 4 pounds, because all of my new weight is up front.

Stretch marks? Yes. A few more. Whee.

Maternity clothes? I don’t know how much this section is going to change. I mean, from here on out, I’ll be wearing maternity clothes. I did just order 2 more pairs of Gap maternity boot cut pants, because they’re awesome and will probably help me make it all the way through the pregnancy for work clothes; I have 3 pairs total. They’re very cute and comfy.

Sleep: I think this is another category that just isn’t going to change much; in fact, it will probably get worse. I still wake up every hour and a half or so, my hips really hurting and needing to switch sides. The good thing though, is that I wake up, use the restroom, flip over, and go right back to sleep. Also, I have been getting really hot at night, and needing to open the window; but Ian gets cold. It kind of sucks, and we might have to switch sides of the bed or something so that I can be closer to the window.

Best moment this week: Snuggling on the couch with my husband last night. :)

Movement: I’ve definitely felt more movement this week! It’s pretty cool. I don’t always feel it during the day, but I think that’s just because I’m at work and not focusing on it. But sometimes there will be a really hard kick or flutter and I’ll feel it no matter what I’m doing.

Food cravings: Nothing special recently.

Genders: Still two girls!

Labor Signs: No. We had a nurse come by our house this weekend to show us a DVD on pre-term labor and to talk to me about recognizing the signs. It was covered by our insurance since I’m a high risk pregnancy. It was nice, but still didn’t really answer all of my questions. I think I’ll just have to make sure I’m really in tune with my body and all that is going on.

Belly Button in or out? Technically it’s in… but it’s TOTALLY on its way out. It’s very odd.

What I miss: I can’t say I’ve been missing much lately. If I had to choose, I’d say (once again) that I miss not getting all out of breath when I have to climb a bunch of stairs. Other than that though, I still very much am loving being pregnant.

What I am looking forward to: I have an ultrasound to check on my cervix on Friday, and last time I had one, they let me see my babies too! So I’m hoping that happens again.

Weekly Wisdom: This isn’t MY wisdom, but it is wise. My friend Kate posted this little paragraph on her blog, and I really liked it. It really made me feel a little less bad about the stretch marks:

“Our bodies are tools, not treasures. You should not spend your days trying to preserve your body in its eighteen-year-old form. Let it be used. By the time you die, you want to have a very dinged and dented body. Motherhood uses your body in the way that God designed it to be used. Those are the right kind of damages…We are not to treat our bodies like museum pieces. They were not given to us to preserve, they were given to us to use. So use it cheerfully, and maintain it cheerfully. You want to fix your body up in order to be able to use it some more. We should not be trying to fix it up to put it back on the shelf out of harm’s way or to try to make ourselves look like nothing every happened. Your body is a tool. Use it.”

- Rachel Jankovic

Milestones: Over halfway there!

Have a lovely Wednesday all! :)

~M

showing and snoogles

So, you read all of this stuff in twin books or in pregnancy books saying “Oh, if you have twins, you’re going to start showing really early! It will be crazy how early you’ll show! Like, you’ll start showing SO early that everyone will KNOW you are having twins just by looking at you!”

Well, I’m pretty sure I’m not showing yet. I have a feeling this is pretty much due to the fact that I was already carrying extra weight when I got pregnant, so, I can’t see if I’m getting any belly yet. It’s kind of a bummer, because I’m really getting ready to start looking more pregnant; though I know I shouldn’t be in a hurry, since I’m having twins and will most likely be ginormous by the end. But, I guess I just was hoping with the whole twin thing that I’d be popping out by now. I know, patience, patience. I’ll show eventually of course, and will probably be longing for the day when I wasn’t huge.

However, SOMEthing is happening in the belly region, b/c I’m already having trouble finding a comfy position to sleep in. I am a stomach sleeper, and try as I might to fall asleep on my left side (best, healthiest way to sleep for babies; good blood flow or something) I always wake up on my stomach. Which is my comfiest way to sleep. However, lately it is starting to make my back hurt a bit, which is making me think maybe my tummy is getting in the way even though it’s not really popping out that I can see. I bought a pregnancy sleep pillow and so far, I can’t really fall asleep using it. This is the one I got. The lady in the picture looks SO happy to have her snoogle!
The name makes me laugh. I can lay in it and watch TV, but falling asleep is harder. I actually did fall asleep last night, but woke up on my back, which I never do. Also, starting in the 2nd trimester, you’re not supposed to sleep on your back, so I can’t keep doing that. It’s pretty much just supposed to be side sleeping. Anyway, I will keep working on ways to be comfy while I sleep, which I know will only get more challenging the more my little ones grow.

Speaking of growing, this week they are the size of large plums. So I’ve got two of these growing in mah belly. Crazy! I love my little plums! Can't wait to see which fruit they are next week! :)

~M

*photo found here