35

I turned 35 a couple of weeks ago. The age factor didn't upset me at all, I'm totally fine with 35. Excited, even. What I realized though, is that I AM getting older, and it's a lot harder to get away with not taking good care of yourself.

When I don't sleep; I feel it a lot more than I would have 10 years ago. When I don't eat enough, I get irritable and tired. When I don't drink enough water, I feel sluggish and headachy. And when I don't exercise, the pounds pile on a LOT faster than they used to. Sadly, since the babies were born, I am quite guilty of neglecting all of these areas.

What I'm saying is this: 35 didn't make me sad about getting older, but it did make me really realize that it's time for some changes. I need to take a lot better care of myself.

This does not just mean exercise and weight loss, though those are a big part of it. I need to try and go to bed a little earlier (always hard since I relish the 2-3 hours of baby free time in the evening); I need to make sure I eat and drink enough water. And eat WELL, not just grab a granola bar. I need to try and find some more "me" time opportunities, even if it's just 30 minutes on the weekend; and finally, I do need to start exercising.

This will be my biggest change by far, but I think it's the most crucial. I need it for my physical and mental health. And I need to make it a priority. So, this week, I'm committing to exercising 3 times. Even if it's just a good long walk.

I want to be a good example to my girls. I want them to have a healthy, happy mom.

So here I go. Time to start making myself a bit more of a priority, so that I can be the best possible mom to these cuties :)

acceptance

Today, I accept that I didn't have time during the day to blog, and that this evening, I chose to watch Grey's Anatomy curled up on the couch instead.

So, since I didn't, here are some pictures to tide you over. :)



















More soon!

~ M

9 months

Today I have two babies that are 9 months old. I can't believe this! They have officially been outside longer than they were inside!

I'm so excited by all of their developmental milestones and all of the things ahead for them, but also a bit sad that time is going so quickly! In 3 short months they will be one year old. It just boggles my mind. It wasn't THAT long ago that I was sitting at my desk at work in New York, reading about fertility and just hoping and wishing that I'd be pregnant soon.

And now, I have the loveliest daughters a girl could ask for. Happy 9 months, my little loves.

~M

the trouble with sleep

I'll just start this post out by saying- I love my girls. I pretty much want to spend every second of every day with them. They're adorable, sweet and just so fun to watch; most of the time it doesn't feel like a job to watch them all day.

Until nap time.

Nap time is the bane of my existence lately. I mean, it's never really been easy, but I think before I thought, "Oh, they're only 4 (or 5 or 6 or 7) months old, so the napping just isn't consistent yet". Well, tomorrow they are 9 months old; and I'm ready for some reliable napping, dammit. Just even one nap per day that I could count on even MOST of the time would be nice.

This is generally how it goes: Around 9:30-ish they start rubbing their eyes and seeming sleepy. So, I check their diapers and get ready to put them down for a nap. Now, my girls still have to be rocked to sleep (sigh. that's a post for another day), but I can't take them both in the bedroom at once, because while I'm rocking one, the other one will cry, or babble and keep the other awake. I used to just leave them on the floor playing with toys, but then they learned to roll over/sit up/scoot around, so that was no longer an option. Once they started being able to sit up, they stopped enjoying their swings at all. Then I started putting them in their activity chairs, but they would cry after being out here a few minutes by themselves. So, I now put them in their activity chairs, with a bunch of toys, right in front of the running washing machine. Laugh, but it works. They love watching the washing machine go.

ANYway, so one of them (usually just the least cranky one) sits in front of the washer playing in her chair, and I rock the other one to sleep. Usually takes between 5-10 minutes. I keep the door cracked so I can hear if activity chair baby starts crying at all. Once the first baby is down for her nap, I go get the second. If all goes well, that baby will quietly let me rock her to sleep. If all DOESN'T go well, that baby will cry and fuss and not WANT to go to sleep, and then will subsequently wake the first baby. Then I sigh and try and start all over again, this time with the second baby in the room, hoping she keeps quiet long enough to get the first baby back to sleep.

Once they're finally asleep all the books say, "oh, yeah, your babies will totally take two naps a day. One should be an hour long and the other should be two hours long. If they don't sleep that long, your baby is NOT getting enough sleep!" So, yay! The first nap will be an HOUR? Great! I'll get some breakfast and maybe take a shower and tidy up a bit and.... oh. I hear crying over the baby monitor 20 minutes in to the nap. I RUN down the hall to try and stop it before the other baby wakes up and NOPE. They are both awake. End of nap.

Second nap goes pretty much the same, except they are MORE cranky and MORE tired, so yay! This will probably be the 2 hour nap! Just like the book says! No? 40 minutes? And not even 40 minutes straight through. 40 minutes with me rocking one of the babies after they woke 25 minutes in.

Now, if this second nap ends early enough, I usually try and do a third nap. Sometimes I just take them for a drive, because honestly? I'm tired of the nap game for the day. But, if their second nap ends too late, and they aren't going to be tired for a third nap until 4:30 or so, then it's too late. We can't give them a nap too late, because it will interfere with their bedtime of 7pm.

I really don't quite know what to do about all of this. Most of the problem with the naps lies with them waking each other up. We could separate them, but ultimately, we want them to be used to the other baby and their noises. I'd also like to stop them from waking up 20-30 minutes in to the nap and having to rock them back to sleep. Because even just one hour that I could have for myself during the day to get things done, would be great.

I have the book "The no cry nap solution" and I have read some parts of it, but methinks it's time to just read the whole damn thing cover to cover, because mama needs a SOLUTION. And also, a shower.

(old picture. back when they fell asleep pretty darn easily.)

sew cute

For Christmas, my mother-in-law and sister-in-law gave me a whole bunch of sewing stuff, and lent me a machine so that I could try my hand at sewing! I don't think I've sewn anything since 7th grade when I made a duffel bag in home ec. I think I got a B on it, so it wasn't great, but it wasn't horrible.

Anyway, The girls have these really cute onesies that were given to me as a gift, and I thought, hey, I might be able to make something like that! I mean, not as good of course, but just sew something simple on the front of a onesie.

 So, the above are the ones I got as gifts, and here are the ones I made:

They turned out ok! I mean, not spectacular, but cute enough. :) Also "made" by me are the girls' leggings. I just chopped the foot part off of a pair of girls' long socks and hemmed them. They are ok, but they fall down too much, so I think I'll add some elaastic for the next pair I make.

I have to say, I really liked making these little things! I have a few patterns that were part of my Christmas gift so I might try my hand at those next. Or, I'll just keep sewing stuff on to the front of onesies. :)

~M

mommy guilt

I thought about just calling this blog post "guilt", because really, I had all sorts of guilt before I was a mom; just different kinds. Sadly, I think many women do. Society/media often paints this picture of what women "should" be; beautiful, intelligent, kind, tough, humble, maternal, strong, sensitive, independent, home maker, sexy, career woman and of course- thin and well dressed. And sadly, though we all know it's pretty much impossible to be all of those things, we often put unnecessary pressure on ourselves to attempt to achieve it all.

Then if you become a mother, add on top of all of that: Do everything you possibly can to have the healthiest, happiest baby possible at all costs.

Lately I'm constantly riddled with the mommy guilt. If I am playing with them and I stop to check my iPhone for something- guilt. You should be paying attention to them all the time! If one of them tips over and bonks their head- guilt. Oh- you're so neglectful! Even if I go to the store and my husband is watching them; I feel guilty if I take too long. He doesn't make me feel guilty of course. No, I do it all to myself. And yes, before you all say, "That's silly. Babies need to play on their own, and they WILL fall and bonk their heads, and for the love of GOD woman; just go to the store! Jeez!" I know all of this. But you know; your brain isn't always in line with what your heart feels.

Most recently the biggest guilt burden I've carried has been surrounding breastfeeding. I won't get in to the ins and outs of all of that in this post, but BOY has it been a roller coaster ride. I love breastfeeding. So much. But the girls are starting to show signs of wanting to wean- especially Poppy. And while I had planned on breastfeeding them for a full year, there's part of me that just wants to say "OK, 9 months- close enough!" But, then the guilt kicks in. Breast milk is best for babies. Nothing wrong with formula (they get probably about half of their food from formula now), it's just that breast milk is easier to digest and has all those great antibodies and magical fairy dust. ALSO, the cost. Full time formula feeding two babies is expensive. As I said, they're only getting about half of their food from formula now, so we'd be doubling the cost. Ouch. Anyway, for now, I will probably just keep doing what I'm doing, and let them slowly wean naturally. Because even though the small desire to just quit is there, so too is the knowledge that I shouldn't rush their weaning. This may be the only time I get to do this, so I should soak up every minute of it. :)

Anyway, I'm trying to be more aware of the things I feel guilty about. Most of the time I realize I need to cut myself some slack. I'm doing my best, and that's all I can do. I'm a smart gal, so realistically I know this.

But then I look at these two faces, and all that flies out the window:

Because, come ON. Who wouldn't want to do just about anything for them??? :)

~ M

rainy afternoon walk

It wasn't a long walk, but yesterday we took the girls out for a short walk and change of scenery. It was raining and cold, so we made it quick.

Also, frog and monkey hats from Grandma. Insanely cute.



~ M

I'm back, babies!

Hi, all! Well, it seems as though this whole "first-time-mom-taking-care-of-two-babies" thing has been a bit of a time suck. A good time suck, don't get me wrong. But time for blogging? My goodness; I rarely have time to shower. I bet you're anxious to hang out with me now! Covered in spit up and drool and not showering daily? Hot.

But today, I am sitting at a Starbucks, drinking my coffee while it's STILL WARM, and taking an hour to do some blogging! My sweet husband is watching the girls, and it's kind of crazy having this kind of free time right now. I almost don't know what to do with myself!

I certainly don't know where to start! Let's see, we left off when they were 3 months and now they're almost NINE months??? whoa.

How about we start here:

(Amelie L, Poppy R)

and here:

 (Poppy L, Amelie R)

 and also here:

  (Poppy L, Amelie R)

I know what you're thinking. They're ridiculously cute. So cute, it's almost not fair! :) I might be biased, but I don't care.

These girls are the joy of my life. Every day I wake up very , very tired, and reluctant to get out of bed; but when I see their big smiles first thing, it makes everything easier. They are just the sweetest babies, especially in the morning or any time they wake up from a nap. All smiles and super excited about life.

I have so much I want to talk about! So much has happened in the last 6 months that I don't know where to begin. My life is so drastically different than it was 9 months ago, it's just unbelievable. My day is filled with baby smiles and cries, drools and diapers, fussing and giggling, exploring and learning and seeing things through brand new eyes. Even on the worst day (and there have been some pretty bad ones) I wouldn't trade it for the world. These girls are my heart and I love them more and more every single day.

So, I am going to make a commitment to doing a daily blog post again; even if it's just a picture or a few sentences. I started this blog as a place to vent and to let out my heartache about my fertility issues. Now I'd really like to keep it up to have a little virtual baby book to track all of the goings on of my cute girls. And to also possibly continue to vent from time to time, as I know every day isn't an easy one. Topics I plan on discussing in the upcoming posts; feeding, sleeping, crawling, teething, making time for myself, struggles with being a stay at home mom, trying to maintain a small portion of your normal life while parenting, tons and tons of cuteness, and much, much more. There will always be pictures because of course. The aforementioned adorableness.

like this:

(Poppy L, Amelie R)

More soon!

~ M

P.S. So, I list my blog on topbabyblogs.com, and I used to be in the top 20! I now am down around 400. Oops. Guess that's what taking a 6 month hiatus from blogging will do to ya. Would you mind clicking on the below link? You don't have to sign up for anything. Just click and vote for me. And you can do it once a day! So if you felt so inclined, you could do that! I know! So exciting, right?? I promise that if you vote for me, I will keep the posts coming. Thanks! :)

3 months!

My babies turned 3 months yesterday! So cliche, but my how time flies! :)

~M

bad blogger.

Ok, I'm a bad blogger. It's been way too long since I've written anything here; but I have a good reason. I just moved across the country with my 3 month old twins. So, yeah. Hectic, stressed, displaced, whirlwind; doesn't even begin to cover it.

I have so many posts in my head that I am going to write SOON. So many things I want to talk about, and I will soon. Very soon. I've missed blogging and I feel like I really do need it! It helps me vent, or just reflect on certain things/events in my life.

Anyhoo, to tide you over, here are some pics we took on my last day in NYC:

Ian stayed behind two weeks extra to pack up. There was just no way we were going to be able to pack up our 1 bedroom apartment with the babies there. It was hard enough for me to pack my suitcase! When I wasn't feeding them, they were napping in the bedroom, and that's where all my stuff was.

I arrived in Seattle on August 31st, and Ian just arrived today! We are SO happy to be back together again; all four of us. He swears that the girls grew during the two weeks we were apart. They certainly are changing! They are both making more noises (cooing, etc,.) and are just smiling all the time. They also are getting way better at holding their heads up.

My mother-in-law and I started house hunting before Ian arrived. So far we haven't found anything, but we sure had fun dressing the girls up for our house hunting adventures:

Anyway, that's all for now. I promise I will be better from now on! Pinky swear!

~M

head above water

Ian and I knew that moving across the country, just weeks after having our twins would be tough, but I think in the back of our minds we thought it wouldn't be THAT bad. Well, it is. It's really hard. We are dealing with so much at once, it kind of just feels like we're barely treading water. We keep saying to each other "It will all get done one way or another..." but lately even that feels like a stretch.

When I'm home all day with the girls, it's really hard to get much of anything done. I can get a few things done here and there, but not a lot. I mean, mostly what needs to be done for my departure (I'm leaving two weeks before Ian, so that he can do the majority of the packing without two babies to take care of) is just packing my suitcases with stuff that the girls and I will need. But I can't really do that yet, because well, we're still using a lot of that stuff.

Also, we went to the pediatrician yesterday for their first shots, and she said she wanted us to "keep an eye" on how quickly Amelie's head size was growing (it shot up a lot between the last visit and this one) and also to just keep an eye on both of their head circumferences in general. (Poppy is in the 95th percentile). And of course we made the mistake of googling all the things that a large head or quick head growth could mean. Also, they are both favoring turning their heads to one side, which we need to try and correct. Most likely, we're going to take them to a physical therapist once we arrive in Seattle so that he can do some exercises to get them to be ok with turning their heads to the right. Amelie's head is a little uneven because of how she always turns her head to the left, and they both don't like turning it to the right.

Anyway, all of these worries about the girls on top of the move stress is a lot to handle right now. We both know there will be a light at the end of the tunnel; it just might be a little while. For now we just have to hang in there, love each other and love our girls.

~M

breastfeeding update

So, I figure that as my girls grow and they start eating more, I'll continue to update on how the breastfeeding is going; since it has changed so much already- it's bound to keep changing.

As of right now, things are going really well. (knock on wood.) When I first started breastfeeding they were still really little, and since they were premature, the pediatrician didn't want them to breastfeed for longer than 10 minutes at a time, since it was so much work for them. Basically, it was so hard for them that they'd be burning all the calories they ate if they breastfed longer; so it would be counter productive.

So, in those first few weeks, they breastfed for no more than 10 minutes, and then we'd give them a bottle of either pumped breast milk, or formula (if we were out of pumped breast milk). I HATED giving them formula. I know that there's nothing wrong with it- because the first rule is feed your babies- but there's such PRESSURE out there to only feed babies breast milk.

I pumped after every feeding. It sucked and was exhausting and painful, but I was trying to do everything I could to increase my milk supply. Usually I pumped just enough to give them their bottles for the next feeding. However, if they ever wanted more, that was when we had to supplement with formula.

I started reading everything I could online about increasing milk production. I bought a book on increasing milk supply and a book about breastfeeding twins. I started taking Fenugreek (an herbal supplement that is supposed to increase milk supply) and eating oatmeal almost every day (which is also, strangely, supposed to increase your supply). I tried to eat plenty and drink a lot of water.

Fast forward to today. The girls are 9 weeks, 1 day old. It has now been over a week since they have had any formula. I have a stockpile of about 10 ounces in the fridge. It seems as though I'm finally keeping up with them, and have a little extra to boot! I still pump after ALMOST every feeding (I occasionally give myself a break when it's 2am and I'm just TIRED), still take Fenugreek, still eat a big 'ol bowl of oatmeal almost every day. Who knows which things are helping? It also could be that the girls just breastfeed a lot more now that they're bigger. Or, it could be a little bit of each thing.

I'm just hoping my body continues to keep up with them. Since we're moving, I can't really keep a stockpile of milk in the freezer, because it won't obviously stay frozen on the airplane. I think we might use up a lot of the stockpile though (wow. I'm saying "stockpile" a lot) next week, as I'm going in to work for two half days to train my replacement. I plan on bringing my pump so that I can pump a few times while I'm there, and Ian is going to stay home with them. I'm hoping that even if we use up all the extra, we'll still be able to avoid formula; but who knows.

At this point, I'm pretty proud of the progress (whoa. alliteration alert.) I've made. I'm hoping my body can keep up with the growing girls, but if I still have to occasionally supplement with formula from time to time, that's ok. Right now though, breastfeeding them is pretty much my number one priority (though....as it seems I have about fourteen days until I'm moving, I probably should start focusing on that a little more...).

Did anyone else out there breastfeed twins and have some tips for me? Or anyone at all have particular success about increasing and maintaining your supply? Any tips welcome! I'll keep updating on how it's going as time goes on.

For now, it's time for another feeding!

~M

on the move

It has been a little hectic in our household lately; and not just because we have two, two-month-old girls to take care of. It's also because we have decided to move back home! You see, we live in New York City now- and have for almost 5 years- but we're both originally from the Pacific Northwest and we've decided to move back; specifically to Seattle.

We couldn't be more excited because all of our family lives in Washington and Oregon, so we'll be much closer to them, and most of our friends live there, too! (Though we've made a few very dear friends here in NYC that we'll miss greatly.)

When we first get back, we'll live with Ian's parents for a while until he finds a job and we find an apartment. We've decided that for now, it doesn't really make financial sense for me to go back to work, as I'd pretty much just be handing over my paycheck to cover two kids in daycare.

I'm both excited and nervous about not working and being a full time mom. Excited because I love taking care of Poppy and Amelie, and think we're going to have so much fun together; and nervous because I've worked my whole adult life! I started working when I was 15 years old, and have always had a job since. It will be an adjustment for sure.

Seattle is a beautiful city, and we're so excited for this big change in our lives. I'm so thrilled that the girls get to grow up there, though I do think it will be totally cool that they get to say they were born in NYC. We'll certainly take them back for visits though, to show them where they started their little lives.

I'm leaving in about two weeks, so there is a lot to do; and not much time in my day to do it! I'm just trying to slowly chip away at it all, and realize that one way or another; it will get done.

Big changes on the horizon for us, and we couldn't be more thrilled!

~M

*photo found here

P.S. We've slipped a little in the numbers on Top Baby Blogs. Would you mind clicking below to vote for us? No need to register for anything and you can vote once a day! Thanks! :)

two months

Amelie and Poppy turn two months today! Happy two month birthday, girls! The time is going by quickly, but I'm enjoying it so much! We love you more than words.

Amelie

Poppy

~M

birth story (part 3)

(You can read parts one and two here and here).

When they were rolling my bed down the hall towards the operating room, I honestly felt like I was in a movie or a television show. It still didn't feel real. Ian had to wait outside until I was all prepped, and my mom wasn't allowed in the room.

I remember in our childbirth class our teacher said many times, that you can't worry about being dignified during childbirth. It's primal and messy and raw. Now, I've never given birth vaginally, but I think there's a whole different kind of undignified for a cesarean birth. I was laying there on the operating table, completely naked except for a hairnet thing on my head. I'd say there were 10 people in the room, at least. Then I had to be lifted, naked, from the bed I was rolled in on, to the operating table. But of course I couldn't help at all, because I still had an epidural, so I was pretty numb. You just feel so helpless and exposed in every way.

Once I was on the table, they began prepping me. Gave me more epidural so that I was completely numb. Then they put up the blue curtain thing in front of my face. My arms were each stretched out to the side. One had an IV and the other had a blood pressure cuff so that my blood pressure could constantly be checked. The anesthesiologist was at my head, explaining things to me; I THINK trying to make me feel better, but it wasn't really helping. I got so nervous, because they never asked me "can you feel this?" while poking my leg or something, so I was SO freaked out that I was going to feel them cutting. I should have probably realized they do these all the time and knew what they were doing. Finally, I was all prepped, numb and ready to go, so Ian was allowed into the room.

As soon as I saw him and heard his voice I got really emotional. It had been a long 30 hours, and a much longer journey to get to this point. All of that rushed through my head; the fertility tests, the ups, the downs, the miscarriage; all of it leading us to this point. We were about to meet our girls. It was finally time.

Dr. Leipzig asked me if I was ready, and off they went. It really only took a few minutes before she was telling me that Baby A was here and she was big! They had a little trouble getting her out, because of how she was positioned. I didn't feel any pain, only lots of tugging and pressure. Then after several minutes, I heard a beautiful little cry. It was so amazing. I remember being too afraid to look at Ian, because I knew I'd start crying; and not just a little, but the kind where you sob and can't stop. Baby A was whisked off to be cleaned. Ian tentatively went over to try and see, and the mean nurse- (remember Ida?) shooed him away. When I think about that now, it pisses me off. He wasn't in their way at all; just wanted to see his first born! Really makes me mad. Anyway, Baby B came out a lot quicker, and after we heard her cry, she was whisked away as well. A few minutes later, they brought Baby A over to us. She was a little bruised up since it had been a little difficult to get her out. But she was beautiful. SO AMAZING. So unreal. There was a tiny person laying there on the table staring up at us, and we made her!

Then they took Baby A back, and brought over Baby B. She looked a little smaller and very different from her sister, but just as beautiful. We had our names picked out, but hadn't yet chosen which baby got which name, so I asked if we could please see them side by side. As soon as they laid them down next to each other, we quickly chose their names. Baby A would be Poppy Lorelei, and Baby B would be Amelie Violet. Our two beautiful girls.

Here are the only pictures we were able to get in the OR:

 

Amelie

Poppy

We got to sit there with them for a few minutes, but then they had to take Poppy to the NICU. She had been in the bag of waters that ruptured 30+ hours ago, and since she was also premature, they had to take her there for observation because of a higher risk of infection. Once they had finished stitching me up, they wheeled me to recovery with Amelie. Ian went to make some phone calls to our families.

Amelie was with me for a few minutes. We attempted breastfeeding for a bit and then they took her to the nursery. I had to stay in the recovery room for about two hours (well, that's what they said then). However, two hours turned in to 6. After six hours, they said I could probably go to my room soon. However, they realized that even though I was being given lots and lots of fluid, my urine output was REALLY low. Not good. So, after 9 hours, Ian and my mom went home, and I was still in recovery.

The time in recovery is SUCH a blur. I was so exhausted and still not able to eat anything. It was a super hectic place to be during the day. I saw so many new moms come and go, and I just stayed. Some people from the high risk OBGYN team came in to see me, and let me know that they were concerned about the fact that I was so dehydrated and holding on to all of the fluid they were pumping in to me, therefore, until that improved, I had to stay in recovery. They hooked up bag after bag of fluid, and I drank apple juice and water as much as I could. I wasn't really scared, but I could tell that the doctors were worried. Finally, things started to improve in the early morning of the next day, and after about 24 hours in recovery, I could finally go up to my own room.

Poppy had to stay in the NICU for longer than they first expected. She ended up being in there for a full 48 hours. I was able to visit her once while she was in there, but it was difficult to get out of bed with a catheter in. We figured it out with a wheelchair though, and I got to hold her after not seeing her for over 24 hours. It was so hard to see her in there all by herself. I knew she was fine, and a lot better off then most of the babies in there, but it was still sad.

I won't bore you with all of the details of my stay in the hospital. I won't lie though; it was rough. First of all, they don't let spouses spend the night, so Ian had to leave every night around 10pm. Also, the first night I attempted to have Amelie in the room with me, and it just didn't work. I still had a catheter in, so I was stuck in bed, and I wasn't able to move her in and out of her bassinet on my own. So, she went to the nursery. I pumped as often as I could and saved the colostrum to feed to them, but it still wasn't how I had wanted it to happen. I had really wanted them to stay in the room with me, but with one baby in the NICU and the other in the nursery, it just didn't work out that way. I cried a lot that first night, feeling like I had let my baby down. It turned out to be just fine though. I got some sleep, and my babies were well taken care of.

And.... that's pretty much it! I hope you weren't bored to death by all of the detail. Writing out this story was just as much for me as it was for the blog. I don't want to forget any part of our experience. It didn't turn out the way I had pictured and hoped, but I think that's pretty much what happens to everyone. You can't plan these things. There are times I still get really sad that I didn't get to have a natural birth. But when I look at these sweet faces every day, it really matters less and less as time goes by.

~ M