birth story (part 3)

(You can read parts one and two here and here).

When they were rolling my bed down the hall towards the operating room, I honestly felt like I was in a movie or a television show. It still didn't feel real. Ian had to wait outside until I was all prepped, and my mom wasn't allowed in the room.

I remember in our childbirth class our teacher said many times, that you can't worry about being dignified during childbirth. It's primal and messy and raw. Now, I've never given birth vaginally, but I think there's a whole different kind of undignified for a cesarean birth. I was laying there on the operating table, completely naked except for a hairnet thing on my head. I'd say there were 10 people in the room, at least. Then I had to be lifted, naked, from the bed I was rolled in on, to the operating table. But of course I couldn't help at all, because I still had an epidural, so I was pretty numb. You just feel so helpless and exposed in every way.

Once I was on the table, they began prepping me. Gave me more epidural so that I was completely numb. Then they put up the blue curtain thing in front of my face. My arms were each stretched out to the side. One had an IV and the other had a blood pressure cuff so that my blood pressure could constantly be checked. The anesthesiologist was at my head, explaining things to me; I THINK trying to make me feel better, but it wasn't really helping. I got so nervous, because they never asked me "can you feel this?" while poking my leg or something, so I was SO freaked out that I was going to feel them cutting. I should have probably realized they do these all the time and knew what they were doing. Finally, I was all prepped, numb and ready to go, so Ian was allowed into the room.

As soon as I saw him and heard his voice I got really emotional. It had been a long 30 hours, and a much longer journey to get to this point. All of that rushed through my head; the fertility tests, the ups, the downs, the miscarriage; all of it leading us to this point. We were about to meet our girls. It was finally time.

Dr. Leipzig asked me if I was ready, and off they went. It really only took a few minutes before she was telling me that Baby A was here and she was big! They had a little trouble getting her out, because of how she was positioned. I didn't feel any pain, only lots of tugging and pressure. Then after several minutes, I heard a beautiful little cry. It was so amazing. I remember being too afraid to look at Ian, because I knew I'd start crying; and not just a little, but the kind where you sob and can't stop. Baby A was whisked off to be cleaned. Ian tentatively went over to try and see, and the mean nurse- (remember Ida?) shooed him away. When I think about that now, it pisses me off. He wasn't in their way at all; just wanted to see his first born! Really makes me mad. Anyway, Baby B came out a lot quicker, and after we heard her cry, she was whisked away as well. A few minutes later, they brought Baby A over to us. She was a little bruised up since it had been a little difficult to get her out. But she was beautiful. SO AMAZING. So unreal. There was a tiny person laying there on the table staring up at us, and we made her!

Then they took Baby A back, and brought over Baby B. She looked a little smaller and very different from her sister, but just as beautiful. We had our names picked out, but hadn't yet chosen which baby got which name, so I asked if we could please see them side by side. As soon as they laid them down next to each other, we quickly chose their names. Baby A would be Poppy Lorelei, and Baby B would be Amelie Violet. Our two beautiful girls.

Here are the only pictures we were able to get in the OR:

 

Amelie

Poppy

We got to sit there with them for a few minutes, but then they had to take Poppy to the NICU. She had been in the bag of waters that ruptured 30+ hours ago, and since she was also premature, they had to take her there for observation because of a higher risk of infection. Once they had finished stitching me up, they wheeled me to recovery with Amelie. Ian went to make some phone calls to our families.

Amelie was with me for a few minutes. We attempted breastfeeding for a bit and then they took her to the nursery. I had to stay in the recovery room for about two hours (well, that's what they said then). However, two hours turned in to 6. After six hours, they said I could probably go to my room soon. However, they realized that even though I was being given lots and lots of fluid, my urine output was REALLY low. Not good. So, after 9 hours, Ian and my mom went home, and I was still in recovery.

The time in recovery is SUCH a blur. I was so exhausted and still not able to eat anything. It was a super hectic place to be during the day. I saw so many new moms come and go, and I just stayed. Some people from the high risk OBGYN team came in to see me, and let me know that they were concerned about the fact that I was so dehydrated and holding on to all of the fluid they were pumping in to me, therefore, until that improved, I had to stay in recovery. They hooked up bag after bag of fluid, and I drank apple juice and water as much as I could. I wasn't really scared, but I could tell that the doctors were worried. Finally, things started to improve in the early morning of the next day, and after about 24 hours in recovery, I could finally go up to my own room.

Poppy had to stay in the NICU for longer than they first expected. She ended up being in there for a full 48 hours. I was able to visit her once while she was in there, but it was difficult to get out of bed with a catheter in. We figured it out with a wheelchair though, and I got to hold her after not seeing her for over 24 hours. It was so hard to see her in there all by herself. I knew she was fine, and a lot better off then most of the babies in there, but it was still sad.

I won't bore you with all of the details of my stay in the hospital. I won't lie though; it was rough. First of all, they don't let spouses spend the night, so Ian had to leave every night around 10pm. Also, the first night I attempted to have Amelie in the room with me, and it just didn't work. I still had a catheter in, so I was stuck in bed, and I wasn't able to move her in and out of her bassinet on my own. So, she went to the nursery. I pumped as often as I could and saved the colostrum to feed to them, but it still wasn't how I had wanted it to happen. I had really wanted them to stay in the room with me, but with one baby in the NICU and the other in the nursery, it just didn't work out that way. I cried a lot that first night, feeling like I had let my baby down. It turned out to be just fine though. I got some sleep, and my babies were well taken care of.

And.... that's pretty much it! I hope you weren't bored to death by all of the detail. Writing out this story was just as much for me as it was for the blog. I don't want to forget any part of our experience. It didn't turn out the way I had pictured and hoped, but I think that's pretty much what happens to everyone. You can't plan these things. There are times I still get really sad that I didn't get to have a natural birth. But when I look at these sweet faces every day, it really matters less and less as time goes by.

~ M

birth story (part 2)

Ok, now where did I leave off? (for part one go here). Oh, that's right; my first contraction at 1:42 pm on June 14th. I remember it really barely hurting at all. It was just like they say; it felt like a mild menstrual cramp. It was a different story a couple of hours later though. It definitely started being painful enough that I had to do some deep breathing and serious concentrating. They were still bearable though. I wanted to know how far dilated I was, but because my water had already broken, they were minimizing how often they checked to avoid infection. Plus, they said the contractions needed to be no more than 3-4 minutes apart in order for my cervix to be really dilating, and that wasn't happening at this point.

It was around 2:30 that a nurse brought in these "boot" things that went around my calves. They basically were like blood pressure cuffs for your calves that squeezed and released every 30 seconds or so. I had to get these to keep circulation going due to the fact that I had all the fluid retention and the factor V leiden. It felt fine; didn't hurt or anything, but it was one more thing I had to unhook when it was time to go to the restroom. I had two baby monitoring things strapped to my belly, along with one monitoring my contractions, my fluid IV and now these boots. It was quite a process to get out of bed!

Around 6:45 they decided to give me a bit of pitocin to jump start things. I was quite nervous about this, because of the stories I'd heard about the contractions coming on quickly. They gave me the smallest dose possible though, so I was hoping that would help ease me in to things. By 9:30, my contractions were about 4-5 minutes apart, and I was feeling really restless. An hour later though, they were really getting painful and I decided I needed an epidural then. I was a little sad about it, but I knew I'd have to get an epidural eventually, so I went as long as I could without it. My doctor said it was really the safest bet to get an epidural given the fact that I was having twins, since she may have to manually turn one of the babies (OUCH!) and also the increased chance of an emergency c-section with twins. Anyway, the decision was made and I anxiously awaited the anesthesiologist to come and numb me up.

He arrived about 30 minutes later, and I immediately was nervous. It sounds unfair, but he was quite young, and I worried about his experience. I got all these fears into my head about the risks (being paralyzed the one that worried me the most) and thinking, "um, I wonder how many of these this guy has done?"  I longed for the really funny, older anesthesiologist that had put my IV in that morning, but alas, his shift had ended. Anyway, I had to scoot to the edge of the bed and lean over and round my back; my nurse supporting me. At this point, a resident came in to observe my young anesthesiologist, which made me feel better in some ways, and more scared in others. He was so inexperienced he had to be observed??? Oh well. Just breathe. Anyway, they first numbed the area with local anesthetic, and then told me I'd feel some "pressure" from the needle going in. Um, they need to find a new descriptive word. It friggin HURT. A lot. Which caused me to panic; because um? You said pressure, so is it bad that this is hurting?? I said "Ow! It hurts!" to which they replied "well, you are going to feel some pain" in a sort of "duh" way. Well, I thought, then say "this is going to hurt a little" instead of "you're going to feel some pressure"! Big difference in my book. Anyway, it was finally in, and I laid back. They handed me a little clicker button and told me that I could push the button up to once every 15 minutes. They gave me a fairly low dose of epidural, so it took about 15-20 minutes to kick in, but when it did it was SO much better. I was able to just relax and rest a bit, which was really nice. I still felt the contractions, but barely. Another plus; a catheter. I mean, ok, not really  a PLUS, but no more unhooking of 8 million cables to get up to go to the bathroom. Ok, also, no more getting up at ALL, but oh well. :)

My mom was still en route (she had several delays and it wasn't a non-stop flight) during all of this, but she finally arrived at 1:30am. It was so great to see her! No matter how old you get; it's always nice to see your mom when you're a little nervous or scared. She hung out for a while and visited and we got her all caught up, but about an hour later we decided it was best that she head to our house to get some sleep, and that try to do the same. She was reluctant to leave, but I promised her not to have the baby until she was back the next day. :)

My mom arrived shortly after we awoke, and we were all pretty excited. The nurse shift changed at 7am, which was a bummer because I had really liked our night nurse; Tocin (pronounced just like pitocin). Our new nurse was Ida, and she left quite a bit to be desired. More on her later. Anyway, my doctor arrived somewhere around 7:45 am, and checked my dilation. I was at 6cm, and she said that it could be merely a couple of hours before I started pushing! Whoa. My mom and Ian headed out to breakfast (so HUNGRY! mmm. apple juice.) and at 8:45, the upped my pitocin to keep things moving along as my contractions had slowed a tiny bit however, I had reached 7cm. Getting closer!

So, my nurse; Ida. She was a piece of work. At first I thought I liked her, because she was super chatty and friendly. BUT; not so great at her job it turns out. Now, to be fair, they were implementing a new computer system in the hospital and it was only day 2 or 3 of it being in place. Anyway, she was spending SO much time at the computer trying to make sure she did everything right, that she kind of kept forgetting about me. My doctor had made explicit orders for her to do blood pressure every 30 minutes, and check my urine output that frequently as well. But, Ida was distracted. This annoyed my doctor greatly, and Ida got annoyed right back. This made for some awkwardness in our tiny little hospital room. Luckily, my doctor is AWESOME and she kind of straightened Ida out- well, as much as she could. At this point I was kind of hoping that maybe I wouldn't have the baby until the next shift change so that maybe I could get a better nurse, but I knew I wouldn't make it until 7pm. So, Ida it was.

Anyway, once my pitocin had been turned up, the contractions came fast and furious. And the epidural? Not helping as much anymore. I pushed that little button as often as I could but they still hurt pretty bad. I got checked again though at 10am, and- 9cm! Huzzah! Getting so close. But, I was checked again at 11:15am- and still at 9cm. Stalled. Checked again 45 minutes later, and still at 9. BLARGH. I am now informed that if in one hour I am not at 10, it will be a c-section.

At this point I'm starting to panic. The contractions HURT you guys. And I have an epidural. I'm starting to panic about the pain. I confide in my mom and Ian that I am sort of wishing for a c-section because I'm scared to push. I feel bad about wishing for that now, but at the time, it sounded easier. Sadly, I got my wish. at 12:30, we are informed that my body is stalling out at 9cm. It could be for a variety of reasons; my severe fluid retention, or just the fact that I'm having twins often causes your body to stall out. Regardless, I was not going to have my vaginal delivery I had hoped for. In that moment, I was slightly relieved, but looking back, I get really sad about it.

A little after 1pm, we roll in to the operating room. Our lives about to change forever.

(Ian, in his operating room gear :)

~M

P.S. Part 3 coming soon! I'll be faster than I was with part 2, I promise!

birth story (part one)

Here we go! I'm finally attempting the birth story, 3 weeks after the fact. I hope I remember enough, because honestly while parts of the day are clear as crystal; other parts are just sort of a blur. Luckily, my husband tweeted the whole thing (no really; he did) so that will help me fill in the gaps. I apologize in advance; it's going to be a long story, because I want to make sure I document it all for posterity. So, it will most definitely be in a few parts.

Tuesday, June 14th- 6:15 am: I slowly wake up, and realize I have to pee. Again. Nothing new. I'm working from home this week which is good because my legs are so swollen with fluid they're hard to lift. Getting in and out of bed is a major effort. As I attempt to roll my gargantuan stomach over to get out of bed, I feel a small rush of fluid between my legs. "Oh great," I think. "I've finally reached that point in my pregnancy that they talk about where I'm incontinent. Guess I should have done my kegels like they said to, because I totally just peed the bed." I finally am able to stand up and the fluid just doesn't stop. "Whoa, that's weird. I'm REALLY incontinent." (Laugh all you want; it really did feel like I was peeing!) I get to the bathroom and go pee, and realize I can't stop peeing no matter how hard I try. Hmm. Maybe I'm NOT peeing. (Betcha didn't know that so much of my birth story was going to be about pee, didja?) Maybe my water is breaking? But how could that be?

Walk back in to the bedroom, still leaking fluid everywhere. Decide that this is definitely SOMETHING, so I tap Ian on the leg. He wakes up startled, because I've turned the lights on, and am standing up by the bed; not a normal occurrence for 6:15 in the morning. "I think my water broke." Instantly he is WAY more awake.

I was pretty darn excited, because honestly; I never thought we'd get to have the "honey; it's time!" moment. My doctor seemed pretty much certain that I'd have to be induced to deliver. But here we were; at 35 weeks, 5 days and it seemed as though it most definitely was "time". I still had my doubts though, because hey; I'd never had a baby before- what did I know? I called my doctor and spoke to her answering service. She called me right back, and once I explained what was going on, she said "Yes, it sounds like your water broke. Head to the hospital, and I'll meet you there later this afternoon." Holy crap! This IS it! I mean, probably!

Next up to call was my mom. She was flying in for the birth, so I needed to give her the head's up. I called her and I think she knew what was up, as it was 3:30 am her time. I told her that I was PRETTY sure my water had broken, but that she should wait to buy her ticket until it was confirmed. She said she'd start looking for flights and stand by.

So, had I packed my hospital bag? Nope. It was on my "to do" list for that week. I figured I had time; plenty of time. I had a whole list of things I was going to get done that week that obviously weren't going to happen now! Whoops!

I kind of was just standing in my room, (over a towel- as I was still just making a mess everywhere I walked) in a daze, not really knowing where to start. Luckily, Ian pulled up our "hospital bag" list and just started packing. I decided a shower was probably in order, so I went to do that. As I stood under the hot water I started crying a little. Not out of sadness, but excitement and a little bit of overwhelmedness. "I'm going to have babies soon! Holy crap! This is actually happening! I'm going to be a mother!" To me, honestly, that was the very first moment it all felt very REAL. Yes, I realize that sounds silly, since for almost 9 months I'd felt babies kicking, seen them on ultrasounds, heard their heartbeats, etc.; but this was the first moment I really, really realized that I was going to give BIRTH, and it was going to be soon. I was going to finally meet my girls.

Once my shower was over I came back into the bedroom and Ian was making great progress on the hospital bag. I all of the sudden felt very anxious that we had to get to the hospital SOON. I wanted to make sure the babies were ok. Ian headed off to shower and we decided that the bag was packed enough; it was time to head out. We called the car service around 7:45am and were off to the hospital!

It only took about 15 minutes to get to the hospital; very little traffic which was good. Our driver was nice and didn't chat with us at all, which was good. We asked him his name when we got out of the car, so we could have it for posterity. I think he thought we were going to report him for something, because he seemed worried after we asked him. I kept a list in my iPhone of names of people we encountered; but unfortunately, I've since ruined my iPhone by dropping it into the toilet on one of the sleep deprived nights in the hospital- so that list is gone. :(

Once we arrived and checked in, it was about another 45 minutes to an hour before I was in a room and getting checked. They had a resident come in to do a check to see if my water had officially broken- and lo and behold it had! Officially in labor. :) Wahoo! No contractions at this point, but it was good to know that I was officially on my way!

First point of business was to set me up with an IV to get some fluids going. I had read that you could refuse fluids so that you didn't have to be hooked up to an IV right away, but in our childbirth class we learned that if you were going to have an epidural (which my doctor said was pretty necessary for me since we'd probably have to manually turn baby B or I may need an emergency csection) that you should get fluids because you needed to have a certain amount of fluids before you did the epidural. Anyway, the nurse tried once to find a vein and couldn't (this is always an issue for me; I have really hard to find veins) and decided to call the anesthesiologist on call to find one. He arrived a few minutes later and was really funny and kind; which made things less stressful. It took 4 tries in total; lots of poking, bleeding and bruising, but he finally got one on the back of my left hand. Which by the way, is a very uncomfortable place to have an IV.

Once the fluids were in, we just kind of hung out until my doctor arrived around 1pm to check me. I was 1 cm dialated and still not having contractions, so she administered a pill called Misoprostol to start contractions. It kicked in about 30 minutes later at 1:45pm when I had my first contraction. About 30 minutes after that, they were about one minute long and 10 minutes apart. So, a ways to go, but progress nonetheless.

Ok- stay tuned for part two! (And possibly 3 and 4.... depends on how long winded I end up being.) :)

~M