the first due date

Friday marked the due date for my first pregnancy. The pregnancy that I lost at 8 weeks. So, it’s possible that if that pregnancy hadn’t been lost, I could be holding my brand new baby right now, instead of sitting at work. I have very mixed emotions about this fact.

It does make me sad, because I wonder- Who that baby would be? A boy, or a girl? Who would it have looked like? How big would it be? How would my pregnancy have gone? These are things I’ll never have answers for, and this gives me a feeling of loss, and yearning for the answers to these questions.

On the other hand, if I didn’t lose that pregnancy, I wouldn’t be sitting here being kicked by my twin girls growing inside of me as I type this post. And not having them sounds just unfathomable.

No, I’m not happy I had a miscarriage. I’m not happy I lost my first pregnancy. It really was the worst thing I’ve ever gone through. I just can’t imagine not having these girls. So, it wasn’t a blessing in disguise; it was just the way things turned out. It was just life.

But I’ll never forget my first pregnancy. I’ll never forget the joy in Ian’s voice when I called him and told him the news. I’ll never forget walking in the door that night just hugging and holding him tight, looking at him through tears of joy. Staring at the little ultrasound pictures saying “that’s our baby!”. No, I’ll never forget these things.

Thank you, little blueberry, for giving us the gift of joy and hope and for showing us that we can make it through anything if we stick together. We’ll never forget you.

~M